in loving memory of Colin Michael lost to miscarriage 08.17.00
activism\\emotional mansion\\journal v1.0\\journal v2.0\\links\\main\\mission
journal v1.0 |
mis-car-riage
1. Premature expulsion of a
nonviable fetus from the uterus. Also called spontaneous abortion.
2. The act of bringing forth before the time; premature birth.
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If I could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true
I'd pray to God with all my heart
For yesterday and you
A thousand words can't bring you back
I know because I've tried
And neither will a million tears
I know because I've cried
You left behind my broken heart
And happy memories too
But I never wanted memories
I only wanted You.
~Unknown
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Sunday, August 20, 2000
Miscarriage. That very
word strikes fear into the heart of every woman who has ever been, will ever be,
or currently is pregnant. Superstitions abound during the first trimester that
some women will always keep. Others who, have miscarried before, wait until at
least the beginning of their second trimester to even begin to let themselves
�feel� pregnant and bond with their growing baby, let alone dare to tell anyone.
Even before we knew for certain that I was pregnant, Patrick was having
deep conversations with my tummy. There is truly nothing more amusing than a
grown man talking to a stomach, and perhaps nothing more endearing,
either.
Nearly a month ago I was thrust into the pregnant world. Baby P
was a surprise to say the least. We hadn�t expected him, though we�d both
secretly wanted him. We weren�t married and even in the present day, there
remains much anti- �single, pregnant women� feeling. Patrick and I moved our
wedding date up from �some time next year, when we can afford it� to November
4th, 2000. By then I would be nearly 5 months along and probably as fat as a
house, but it didn�t really matter to either of us. We would be a family.
So what happened between then and now? Because that feeling of complete
elation has disappeared. After a three hour visit to the ER (which is a story in
and of itself) on Wednesday, August 16, 2000, our hopes were dying. Several
tests had been run; an ultrasound was inconclusive and the doctor had informed
us that even though my cervix was still closed, my HCG levels were low and I was
either not as far along as we�d thought, or going to have a miscarriage.
How do you respond to that? As if squeezing your legs together with
ironclad stiffness would help? Could you pray to God? Why didn�t that at least
work? Because none of it had. Why wasn�t He listening to you? And why did your
baby have to fall out of you, as you wished an Acme anvil would fall out of the
sky and onto your head? What was so amusing to God, about two grown people
sitting on a bathroom floor at 2am on a Thursday morning, one balling her eyes
out and the other just there, trying to make sense of it all? What was so
amusing about that? Especially after you�d eaten right, taken care of yourself,
tried to keep your blood pressure down. You�d walked every night, something
you�d started before you were pregnant. And the doctor�s �one out of 3� and �one
out of 4� and �one out of 5� speeches were just swirling in your head and not
helping at all. Sure you blamed yourself, for it was your body that had expelled
your future happiness. It was your uterus that had betrayed you and it was your
eye you wanted to gouge out. Because maybe you hadn�t seen what you�d actually
seen. You were the one bleeding to death, and not knowing why. And your heart
had been torn out of your chest, and only your body was to blame. Not some big
void in the universe where the answer to why you�d had a miscarriage had been
misplaced.
And that is where I am right now. Wanting to know why, because
I�ve always wanted to know every detail about everything. I don�t know if I�ve
cried enough or if I�ve got more tears inside me. Though it seems to be the
latter, as simple things choke me up. But one thought remains constant as it
echoes in my brain.
I want my baby back.
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EntryTwo
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Friday, August 25, 2000
It has been one week and a
day since we lost our little precious Baby P. I have decided to call him Colin
Michael, as I was certain he was a boy (though I have no way of knowing). I
think that this will allow me to cope better with our loss. My baby has a name.
My bleeding stopped yesterday, finally and I went today to get a blood
test taken, to make certain that the HCG was out of my system. I was suppose to
go Wednesday, but forgot until today. I was a little upset with my doctor�s
office and the way that they treated me on my visit after I miscarried. I know
that to them it is a natural and regular occurrence, but Patrick and I thought
that they might have at least pretended to be a little more feeling about the
situation. It was my first pregnancy after all; therefore one would deduce my
first miscarriage. I was asked repeatedly if I had kept certain byproducts of
the miscarriage and brought them with me to the office. I wasn�t too keen on
them poking and prodding at my baby, and hadn�t thought of it at the time,
besides. They seemed to be very upset with me for not keeping things. But there
was little I could do about it almost 12 hours after the fact.
At my
visit, the doctor gave me yet another pelvic exam and noted that I wasn�t
�actively bleeding� but there was mucous. This meant and still means little to
me, since she didn�t explain anything to me, and I bled for 6 days after that
exam. So much for �not actively bleeding.� Others who have had miscarriages have
also asked me about a D&C. Apparently my doctor didn�t feel that one was
needed, and I�m just wondering if I do need it. I suppose that the blood test
will tell them, and that they will call me if anything is wrong.
Physically I�m feeling better. My cramping stopped two days after we
lost the baby. I was just annoyed and reminded about what was happening to us,
by the continual bleeding for a few days.
Emotionally I�m not quite sure
how I feel. I think that I�m still a bit numb, and having a bit of a hard time
accepting that what happened to us is real. Right now it feels like a dream. I�m
also feeling jealous of women I see on the street who have babies. And I know
that�s simply insane. It�s not their fault that I had a miscarriage. I just
can�t believe that I�m begrudging them their beautiful children. I�m also really
afraid of getting pregnant again. Not because I don�t want to have children in
the future, but because I�m terrified that this will happen again. And I�m not
certain how I will react to losing another baby. And I�m not certain how that
would affect Patrick. He was so happy about Colin, and I don�t want him to be
hurt like this again.
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EntryThree
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Saturday, September 9, 2000
Just this week have I
been able to get in touch with some of my friends from back home. They have been
calling for most of the past month. But I didn�t feel like talking to any of
them. Not that they wouldn�t be a good support, but just because I didn�t want
to hear the words 'It was for the best' again. Because it doesn�t feel like
anything was for the best.
I�m supposed to be around 3 months pregnant
this week, though I'm not quite certain.
I�ve kind of overcome the fear
of getting pregnant again. I mean, I still fear losing any future babies we
might get pregnant with, but I�m not quaking in my shoes over it, anymore. I
don�t know how I�d handle another miscarriage, but then too, most people who
have had miscarriages, go on to have healthy babies, their next pregnancy.
Patrick and I are planning on getting pregnant again, sometime after we are
married. We may put it off for a while, and we may not. I do want to be a mother
so badly. I�m just not sure if I should wait for all of those firsts, first. You
know, the day that the baby was due, and the one-year anniversary of his trip to
heaven, etc.
I�m not as upset about seeing pregnant women on the street,
anymore, either. I�m still a bit sensitive about it, especially in cases where
babies are born to crack-whores, and where mothers brutally abuse their babies,
etc. I still question how those women get to have babies that they don�t
appreciate and I couldn�t have the baby that I would have loved more than
anything in the world. Our baby wasn�t going to be brought up in an abusive
relationship. Our baby was wanted, by both parents, and both sets of
grandparents and all of his aunts and uncles and great grandparents. Yes, we
were going to be struggling for a bit, but both Patrick and I have our degrees,
we have careers in our futures, and we are going to be able to provide for our
family.
For a bit I was really emotionally taxed. I kept thinking that
the reason why we had the miscarriage was because we were going to break up.
We�d been fighting a bit about stupid things, before we lost the baby. And they
say everything happens for a reason. The only reason I could think of in my
twisted state of mind was that he was going to leave me. Why else would a baby
that was wanted and expected with so much anticipation not be allowed to be
born? Surely it was because I was going to be a horrible mother and he was going
to leave me alone. Which he�d given me no indication that he was. If anything in
this time I have heard more and more, over and over again, how much Patrick
loves me. And I love him more and more every day, for being the loving and
supportive man that he is.
I feel really good, lately. I�m not quite as
mopey as I was when we first came home from the ER and when we had the
miscarriage. I�m not quite as overly sensitive, either. Baby commercials don�t
make me tear up anymore. Seeing the 'Good Samaritan�s book for Expecting
Parents' sitting on my bedroom floor isn�t so traumatic, nor is seeing my
prenatal vitamins lying around. I finally stopped taking them this week. At
first I think I kept taking them because I didn�t want to believe. Or maybe I
thought there might be some great chance in hell that I had been pregnant with
twins, and I�d only lost one. What if I was still pregnant? Basically I didn�t
want to face the truth, though I�d let myself believe it was only because I was
out of my regular vitamins, which I wasn�t.
I think I�m dealing well. I
hope I�m dealing well. I�ve even gotten back onto one of my previous pregnancy
lists at egroups. They are a wonderful support system for me. A very tight knit
group, and some of them have been through what I am currently going through.
Only to have healthy babies afterward. So I know that it can be done. I have a
bit of distraction, too. I�m planning a wedding that is less than five months
from now. And I�ve started job hunting. I figured that getting back into the
work force and moving the wedding from November 2000 to February 2001, would be
a good thing.
I�m still missing the baby. I miss talking to my tummy and
walking every night, while rubbing my tummy, to play with him, even though he
was too young to notice. Most of all I miss the life that we might have had
together. Life isn�t fair, that�s for sure. It�s brutal and at times it�s very
wrong. Right now I�m just struggling to discover what was �for the best� about
all of this.
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EntryFour
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Wednesday, September 19, 2000
I should be at the
end of 13 weeks today.
The doctor started me back on birth control pills
right away. She actually mentioned something about considering the bleeding from
my miscarriage, a period and that I should start the following Sunday.
Personally an AF and a MC are two different things to this non-medically minded
person, but whatever, I�m not as smart as those there doctors, after all. I�m on
the last line of pills this week, and haven�t started my period yet. This
worries me a bit, because before we were pregnant, I would usually start about
the second day of the �sugar pills� and only last a few days.
This
period is crucial, because it lets me know that I�m normal, or I�m not. If I�m
back to normal and have reclaimed my body from the evil baby-expelling machine
that it was last month, then maybe this means, I can carry any future babies
that we might have, to term. Yes, it�s horrible to refer to my body as an
expelling machine, but when you�re body is doing something you don�t want it to,
it very much feels like you have no control over it, and I want to reclaim my
body to myself. These new pills have been horrible to me, this past month.
Before I had the name brand and this month I got the generic. It has completely
wreaked havoc with my system. Before I had virtually no problems, and felt fine,
unless I was up around 2 am (same thing happened when I was pregnant, only mild
morning sickness around 2 am if I was up). Then I would get slight waves of
nausea, but sitting down for a few minutes and taking it easy took care of that.
Now, with these pills I�m getting nauseated almost every night. I don�t know if
it�s the generic, or just my body continuing it�s journey to nuts-ville. But I
would very much like it to stop.
Also this month comes the gripping
fear. What if I�m pregnant again? I have been getting hunger pains like I did
when I was pregnant. If I so much as dared to go five minutes or more past when
the baby thought he should eat, he let me know. My stomach was growling inside
of a second. It was crazy then, and it�s especially crazy now. Add that to my
non-showing Aunt Flow, and I may have to go nuts with worry. Of course I suppose
the over-hungriness could just be my body replenishing itself. Does it do that?
I am taking a multi-vitamin still. It�s the same one I took before the
pregnancy. Keeps my energy up and fun stuff like that.
I have also been
seriously job-hunting this past week and a half. I feel that I�m ready to get
back into the big bad ugly business world. I have had a few very promising
interviews and a few that are simply wild. I swear some people should not be
allowed to conduct interviews. Because what I think a company sometimes forgets,
is that we are �interviewing� them too, in a way. If we don�t like what we see
w/ their interviewer or have to wait half an hour or more for that interview to
even begin, it says something subliminal about the company. A corporation can
espouse time management and �time is money� philosophies all they want, but
often actions and even the way they treat prospective employees and their time
speaks louder than words ever could.
Hopefully I�ll hear soon about the
job that I really want. This way I can start to save up money for among other
things, our wedding and our future.
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EntryFive
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Wednesday, December 13, 2000
I have long thought
about adding to this journal. Excuses come too easily however, and I have been
able to avoid this for a while.
I started my new job on October 2, 2000.
I opted not to tell anyone of my mc; because it just wasn�t something that I
felt should be shared in an interview. Nor did I think it was anyone�s business.
The job was a smaller one, and I took an extreme pay cut. I am working as an
administrative assistant in an accounting office. I took this job because I
realized that I needed a measly job that would not stress me out as much as my
last job did. I purposely sought out employment below my level so that I could
spend as much time on healing as possible, without living off of my fianc�
(quite yet). I chose this job because even though I am the only assistant in an
office of up to 5 managers, it seemed to be work that I would enjoy, and I had
fixed hours. I could however choose to work over time on the weekends with
various catering events, etc.
I have been there just over two months
now, and I simply hate it. I am making the same amount as the wait staff in the
company (they get paid a higher wage since they do not receive tips). I have
been sexually harassed by two separate members of the kitchen staff, and have
opted to never return to the kitchen, as I can easily avoid it, once at my desk.
Aside from being the Administrative Assistant for up to five managers, the
controller has seen fit to give me every single task that he no longer cares to
perform. Therefore I am now an Administrative Assistant who commands the company
switch-board and is working in Payables, Receivables, Billing, Collections,
Inventory Control, and Commissions, and some Human Resources (though I get
scolded when the HR manager neglects her job and gets heat from the powers that
be, because everything seems to be my fault, aside from the fact that she is
under qualified to do her job). She is a lovely lady, but still under qualified.
And occasionally I have time to call the airlines for flight information and be
the resident copy expert girl.
The girl whom I replaced was completely
incompetent and I believe that they are so overjoyed to have someone (over)
qualified to be their new AA, that they have simply gone mad with �what can I
give her to do?� disease. At times I am treated as if I know everything and then
suddenly I am simply the copy girl. I do like the people in my office, it�s just
sometimes I get overwhelmed. And I don�t believe that I get paid enough to deal
with this amount of stress. I simply don�t feel that vendors should be calling
and yelling at the Administrative Assistant for bills that have not been paid
since August, but then, I may be alone in that feeling.
However I do
think that it is a bit soon to be having fantasies of bludgeoning my boss to
death with my monitor every time he places something else on my already
cluttered desk.
Once in a while I have fantasized about screaming, �Give
me a break! Don�t you understand? I have just lost my baby!" But of course they
wouldn�t understand, because they don�t know.
I have opted to stick it
out for at least a year; because this is very good experience and it will look
wonderful on a resume that an Administrative Assistant was trusted with so much.
I do like the job and most days these things don�t bother me. It�s just been
this past week and a half that I want to scream.
At home I have just
gotten over this very moody phase, (which I�m certain has contributed to my foul
mood at work.). Patrick informed me last week that he thought that he might be
over losing the baby, and I must admit I almost socked him in the mouth. However
he has had to deal with my blubbering and I�m ashamed to say temper tantrums for
this last little while, due to some of my feelings about that remark. He is an
angel, and believe me, very sorry for opening his mouth. But he is an
EMT/firefighter and people who deal with death and destruction on a day-to-day
basis react to tragedies differently. I think that with his help I have overcome
some of my worries and fears from before. For example the �how did my body kill
my baby?� thoughts are subsiding. Hopefully I have stopped thinking that if I
had done ABC instead of XYZ my baby would be here in my tummy a healthy 6 months
pregnant by now. I have begun to seriously consider ttc again. We are set to
marry in February (yay!). It will be almost six months since we lost our
precious Colin that month, and we had originally planned to start ttc again,
then. But as the date approaches faster and faster, the thought of being
pregnant again terrifies me. However it�s not in the same manner that it once
did. Yes, I am still plagued with the fear of losing the baby, because I still
don�t know how I would handle another loss, the first being so hard on me as it
was/is. Most of all I am unsure because no one could tell me what happened that
caused us to lose Colin. I don�t know if he was physically hurt before we lost
him, and the thought of my body hurting someone I love so much makes me want to
tear it to shreds. I couldn�t bear to hurt another person I love so much.
I have also dealt with my �wretched mother� syndrome. I have questioned
if I would make a good mother. What if I would make a terrible mother? I
wouldn�t want to emotionally scar my children for life because I�m too selfish,
or something. Most of all I don�t want to make our next child feel as though I
am comparing him/her to our precious Colin. And I don�t want Colin to feel as
though I have jipped him by not grieving properly. Because I have no idea if I
am honoring him in anything I do. For Pete�s sake I forgot to light a candle on
Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. It was also my MIL�s birthday and we took her
out to dinner, but still. If I can�t remember to remember and honor him on one
day of the year, then am I really honoring him at all? These are my most recent
demons.
Today thankfully, however I am at peace. I have recently begun
having dreams of being pregnant again, and according to these dreams; I will
have a little girl. Now it depends on the day as to whether I put stock in
dreams, but they have served to comfort me and calm me, if nothing else.
I think that I am ready to enter the next chapter of my life, in some
ways. However, I�m not leaving everything behind. I still feel angry that I lost
our precious baby. And I want to honor him in any way I can. I don�t feel,
however that blubbering around the house until the day I die will serve his
memory in any way. I mean certainly there will be blubbery days. There will be
days where I can barely stand, because I�m crying so hard. But there will be
good days, like today, as well. I think one trait Colin might have inherited
from both of his parents would have been stubbornness. And I don�t think he
would have wanted us to stop our lives forever, but to do things that make us
happy. Yes, I�m sure he wants us to remember him, to continue to love him and
maybe even grieve him, but I�ve been to the deepest edge of grief, and I don�t
think I liked being there. And I hope that he didn�t like me there, either. And
I hope that he knows that his first little brother will share his middle name,
but I also hope that he knows that to have that little brother, his parents have
to get to some place where we are willing to set aside our limb debilitating
grief and start to live life again.
We will always love you, Colin. I
will always love you, Colin. Mommy will always love you, Colin Michael.
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EntrySix
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Saturday, February 10, 2001
February 4, 2001 was a
wonderful day for us. We were married, on our one-year dating anniversary. It
was a small ceremony with only about half of the people who RSVP�ed actually
gracing us with their presence. That�s ok, really. It was a lovely day.
Patrick and I haven�t quite gotten used to the fact that we actually did
it, yet. But he�s wearing that ring. He started the marriage out right, by
getting the flu for the first three days. I for my part was a dutiful wife,
taking care of my sickie. And I believe that I have caught what he had. I have
had a queasy tummy for the last two days, and I know that I�m not pg, because af
has paid me a visit today. She�s always sweet about that.
This is the
week that Patrick and I have decided that I will stop taking my bcp�s. We are
going to wait the recommended three months, to try to avoid any chemical side
effects. We plan to start ttc in August. It is very sad that we are waiting a
whole year after we lost Colin, but it was probably a good idea. I feel that I
am and will be emotionally and physically ready by the time that we start ttc.
Depression has plagued my body for long enough, I feel. I have gained about as
much weight as I�d like to, thank you very much. It is time to really reclaim my
body from the mc that tore it (and me) to pieces nearly six months ago.
Patrick and I had a discussion a few days ago. He thinks that it is
about time that I start doing things on my own again. Until he�d pointed it out,
I hadn�t even realized that I had lost my independence. And really I have. I
have been hiding behind him for months. Anytime we are in public, I make him do
the speaking and it seems I don�t know how to speak for myself. I don�t know if
it has been a side affect of the mc, or what. I have thought about it, and it
seems that his protecting me in private kind of transcended into public. I
didn�t want to be hurt anywhere ever again. I didn�t want to deal with anything
ever again. His 6�3� frame is so demanding that I guess I just felt that my 5�0�
frame would best be served by sometimes literally hiding behind him. He just
commands respect and he has a way with people, to get them to see his side of
things, non-violently of course. He is wonderfully persuasive. I have a soft
voice, and often have to repeat things for people to even understand me, let
alone react to what I am asking.
But I am a college-educated woman. I
worked hard to get my degree, lived on my own, worked at least two jobs all
through school, and never hid behind anyone ever, before the mc. I am shy by
nature, but I don�t think that I would have gotten my degree if all I�d done was
hide behind some tall guy throughout school. I was independent. I took years of
Tae Kwon Do, knew self-defense, and how to take care of myself. Fed myself,
clothed myself and paid bills on a monthly basis. I shopped alone in the dead of
winter at 2 am, while driving a clunker �68 Chevelle everywhere. I was the only
one of my two roommates who had reliable transportation, and was the one that
they depended on. I socialized and did things on the spur of the moment, either
by myself or with friends. I was in all honesty a completely different person
than I am now. And as much as I love Patrick and as much as he does protect me
and as much I need and want him near me, I never hid behind anyone. Never had
someone speak for me. And always knew exactly what I wanted. In fact when
Patrick and I met and he first asked me out, I had convinced myself that I
didn�t have room for anyone in my life. But he persisted, and I�m very grateful
that I accepted his ump-teenth offer to go on a date. But somehow I have
transformed into this woman that I hardly recognize anymore. I�m not saying that
it is his fault, because it isn�t. He hasn�t protected me into some dependant
whining dummy. I have let myself become that person. A person that I never
thought I would be. Patrick is right, I need my independence back. I think it�s
part of the healing process after losing such a precious person as Colin Michael
was and remains to this day. I believe that once I discard my whimpering mass
persona that then and only then will I be able to offer myself to another baby.
Only then will I be able to be the mother that I have/had always dreamed I would
be. Only then can I be the wife that Patrick deserves.
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EntrySeven
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Thursday, March 22, 2001
I am actually at work as
I type this. I�m all alone in the office right now and ignoring the things that
I really ought to be doing. It�s nice to have some peace and quiet sometimes,
even at work. This morning I had a doctor�s appointment to get an infection of
mine cleared up. It�s something I should have taken care of a billion years ago,
but never seemed to have the time. The doctor worked out a schedule for
medication that would be conducive to our ttc in August. I should actually be
done with the medication by the first of July and then she recommends waiting at
least a month before ttc. It really works out well. She also seemed very
understanding when I told her about the mc. She wanted to know if I had support,
how I dealt, how I was feeling, etc. And she told me about their high-risk
department if we needed that in the future, as well as just generally asking if
I had an OB. It was my first visit with this particular office and it seemed
that we focused on ttc in the future and the mc in the past more than the
infection at present, but it just may have been what I needed. I was very
pleased with the visit.
In the meantime I have stopped taking my bcp�s.
I am reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler and using the
Family Awareness Method (as well as a billion Condoms) for birth control. The
book and actually the whole process is so fascinating. I read a review on
Amazon.com where a reader said that she thought that the book should be required
reading for every teenage girl and for every woman in the world for that matter.
I couldn�t agree more. I am an educated woman and even though I know more than
most, this book really connected the dots for me. Even if you decide that
charting your temperatures is not for you, I still recommend the book. It
explains female fertility in layman�s terms and I feel that it has helped me to
better understand my body.
I have decided to chart, but have yet to
really be able to tell anything from the charts that I�m doing. My temps were
everywhere last cycle, and it lasted 38 days, which was kind of scary and rather
stressing. Also it was an anovulatory cycle, whish is a concept that I had never
even thought of before. But now I know that you can have an af without
ovulating. Also this af is super heavy. According to the book, this is normal
for women just getting off of the pill, however. Now if it only had the answer
as to why I keep feeling nauseous and/or dizzy all the time. My mother keeps
saying it�s my blood sugar. Ugh, I don�t even want to think about that.
On the home front, newlywed life is so much fun. That is when you get to
see each other. Dh and I have such conflicting schedules, so we really cherish
the time that we spend together. In fact we are going on a date tomorrow night.
It�s a date that we pre-planned three weeks in advance, mind you. I�m not quite
certain what we�re going to do or what I�m going to wear for that matter, but
I�m really looking forward to spending time with the man that I love and adore.
Other than that life is pretty boring.
I have been a bit moody lately.
Just the other day I couldn�t stop crying. But, I guess I expect this every once
in a while. The time between each crying spell is getting longer and longer,
however, and I�m hoping that that means that I�m healing. But then too sometimes
it seems that each few days of crying gets worse and worse. Perhaps the longer
between crying spells dictates the intensity of it? I don�t know. I still miss
our baby so much. In fact he was due in about three weeks. It made me sad today
as I was filling out the new patient information sheet at the doctor�s office.
It asked for our wedding date which is 02/04 and I realized that that was the
exact opposite of Colin Michael�s due date 04/02. I don�t know, I notice things
like that and make them bigger than perhaps they should be. I just find it so
wrong that I have to say now that yes, I�ve had One pregnancy, No living
children and One miscarriage. It hurts me to write all of that down. As if I
didn�t already know that in my heart, and now I have to tell complete strangers
about it.
Ok, I do want to tell complete strangers about loss, because I
want to educate others on what those of us who experience loss go through. This
has been something that has been nagging at the edges of my subconscious for
some time. I want to bridge the gap between those who have experienced a loss
and those who never will. I mean they can never understand us, but at least
maybe I can get one or two to stop being such jerks when it comes to loss.
That�s my goal, and with that in mind I will be opening a new site soon. I will
still continue to keep this site going with [name omitted].* Also I will keep this
journal on this site, because I believe that it is so important. I just want to
do more, that�s all. I�ve been so self-absorbed for so long, that I feel I need
to honor those who have helped me, by helping others. There should be a link to
my other site at the bottom of this page, as I plan to link to this journal from
that site, once I get it in working order. I just feel that this is something
that I need to do. I have to let others know that the things that they are
feeling after their loss are normal. I want to comfort them and let them know
that there are others like them and that we care, and even if no one else will
listen, those of us who have come before them, are here, because we understand
like no one else can. And we want to help. I also want to honor our baby angels.
While I am very sorry for each person who is in the community and their
loss(es), my life has been enriched by meeting and getting to know those in our
community. I feel that our baby angels need to be honored every chance that we
get.
*Please note that up until this time my journal was solely on the
QPBabies website. ~~Added 09/08/01~~ I had originally decided
to keep my journal on both sites and did for quite some time. However, when the
'best friend' that I shared that site with emailed me to tell me that she was
pregnant for a second time (ending the email with a question as to whether or
not she should have told me that way -as opposed to calling, or even telling me
on the chat that we were at that moment then on), I decided that she may not
have been as sympathetic to my loss as originally promised. I feel it is very
important to spread awareness about loss, but apparantly I have failed in one
area, and it saddens me deeply. I have lost what I thought to be a very dear and
trusted friend. I could not in good conscience keep loss awareness on the site
that I shared with someone who obviously was not sensitive enough to even
understand the awareness she was helping to promote. Thus my journal is housed
solely on this site now.
Top
EntryEight
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Saturday, March 31, 2001
10:19pm
In two days my
baby was due. In two days dh and I should be kissing the beautiful forehead of
our first child. Maybe even today he would have been born, who knows. I feel
like I�m going completely nuts. I have clung to Monday like a ship clings to the
faint glimmer of a lighthouse in a storm. I figured that if I could just get to
this day then, maybe miraculously everything would be ok. I don�t know if I have
been ignoring my feelings and emotions because of it, or what. But I feel so
useless right now. I feel as though my grief and the fact that something is so
wrong in my world has thrown in the back seat of a car, and I�m no longer
driving. I haven�t cried in a while. But tonight I was talking to my mother and
I just started tearing up. I told her that I didn�t know how I was going to
handle Monday and that I thought of taking the day off of work, just so I could
deal with it, and she said that it was probably best that I didn�t because then
I�d just drive myself crazy, and she�s right I would. And then she just changed
the subject. I know she didn�t do it on purpose because we had been talking
about this other thing, but maybe that�s what set me off tonight. I finally
realized what I have been thinking all along. No one in my physical life gets
it. Virtually yes, I have found a wonderful support group. They are sometimes
the only thing that keep me going. But no one in my physical life understands
me.
Yes, dh lost a baby too. But he seems to have finished his grieving.
And still he doesn�t know what it�s like to actually carry a baby inside you. He
doesn�t know how even for weeks after we lost Colin, I would pat my tummy and
talk to him as if he were still there. And then when I realized that he wasn�t
and I was being stupid, it was like going through losing him all over again. He
doesn�t know how I had hoped that Colin was a twin and that maybe just maybe I
had only lost one baby. Because surely losing one baby wouldn�t be so bad if I
still had another one growing inside me. He doesn�t know how I fear getting
pregnant again now. Because right now is only two months after I stopped taking
my bcp�s just like it was only two months after when we became pregnant with
Colin. And I just don�t think I can face losing another baby. He also doesn�t
know how in my search to find answers for this mysterious tragedy, the only
thing I can think of scares me to my core. Sure everything you go through in
life makes you stronger, supposedly. But what am I being made stronger for?
What�s the purpose? My husband is a firefighter. Am I going to lose him, too?
Maybe not to a fire, ok, but what about to another woman? He loves me with all
of his heart, I know that and I love him with all of mine. And I trust him
implicitly. But I�m being such a bear; maybe I�m pushing him to it. What do I
know? Maybe he wants someone who can actually have his children. He�s entitled
to it, isn�t he? Ok, and we don�t know that I can�t carry a baby to term . . .
.yet? The �what if�s� are the hardest part of dealing with a loss. They truly
are.
I�m sorry. I don�t mean to make my husband out to look like a bad
guy, because he�s not. In fact he�s the reason I have kept every last bit of my
sanity that I have right now. He�s the one who has let me sob in his arms night
after night after dark night. He is the reason I get up in the morning and I
live to see his smile. He makes me so happy. I don�t think that he even knows
how much he means to me. I love him with every fiber of my being. And I really
wish that I could have his baby. I wish that on Monday I could show him just how
much I love him. But I can�t, because our baby is dead. He�s dead and he�s never
coming back. And I don�t know what I did to deserve this. And the only way to
make it better is to miraculously give me back the last six months and let me
carry my baby to term.
Oh, what a big strong mass of a pile of goo I am.
Yeah, I�m stronger. As Dr. Evil would say �riiiiiight.�
Top
EntryNine
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Sunday, May 13, 2001
8:24pm
It�s mothers� day.
I can�t help feeling that something is wrong today. I have been ok in the past
month, since Colin Michael�s due date passed us by. I was really apprehensive
about the day itself, but made myself go to work, and kind of just breathed fire
at everyone, but got through it.
I attended a family dinner tonight and
I felt rather jipped that everyone else was getting mom�s day gifts, but no one
even remembered me. I don�t know what I expected, but just a card or recognition
would have been nice, that�s all. I mean I know that my baby isn�t alive, but if
he had lived, they would have had no problem including me in the celebration.
But instead it kind of felt like I was a failure, all over again. Not even DH
got me anything or said anything. Of course the fact that he�s working all day,
and I haven�t seen him since early this morning, when I was half asleep might
have something to do with it. But I still don�t think that he will even
acknowledge the day. Whether it�s out of fear, or just not realizing that it
means anything to me. I don�t know.
For the past month I have been
watching TLC and Discovery Health programs about pregnancy and birth. Labor and
Delivery, Maternity Ward, and today I have been watching the Birth Stories
marathon. I think I�m just watching to be curious, and I have always felt proud
and better when there has been a couple who have had a loss and they
successfully have a healthy baby. I don�t know if it�s just because I identify
with them or the fact that it puts the issue out there, where people have to
deal with it at least for a bit or what. But it seems to be a comfort. Watching
these shows has also prompted me to jog in place, etc during the commercials, as
I know that I really NEED to lose weight before we ttc. I think it�s helping
heal me a bit, and put to rest some of my nagging sub-conscious fears. I also
think I might be addicted to the shows. LOL. Of course that�s better than right
after our mc, when I was just obsessed with getting PG again. I�m glad that we
have waited and sad at the same time. But I think that my watching these
programs shows that I can mentally handle a pregnancy. Of course I mentally add
that I can handle another pregnancy only if it results in a healthy baby.
Anything less and I might actually be committed or just become a drunk as I have
sometimes longed to be, ever since we lost our precious son.
An online
buddy of mine has sent me some information about a support group in my city. I
have been looking for one that talks about miscarriage specifically and I�m so
thankful to her for it. I will try to work up the courage to call or write the
group leaders and see about attending the meetings. I don�t know if they would
be receptive to having someone who is nine months post mc, but we�ll see. I
think I�m dealing with it well, lately, but I still think it would be a good
thing to have support and make doubly sure that I AM ready for ttc. They also
have a meeting for those ttc after a loss at the same facility, so I think it
would give me a chance to grow beyond the group when I am certainly ready, and
still have live support. My online support is tremendous, but I kind of want
that face-to-face stuff too. We�ll see what happens and I will report back if I
actually do decide to attend a meeting.
Other than that, I�m missing
Birth Stories, so I really have to go. I�ve already seen the first half of this
episode, but the second part is still new to me.
Top | Year Two
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