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(Created sometime in 1996. Last update: 3 March 2000)
"Where's McCarthy when we Need him?"
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The Gall!!! The Unmitigated Gall!!! Premier Clintong helps himself to the queen of Spain!
(Adapted from "Married in Heaven," [author unknown].
Copyright 1996, Richard Wheeler 4/26/96
[That is, assuming you can copyright something you plagiarized from someone else!])
There was a young law student, very much dedicated to bringing his home state of Arkansas out of the bronze age, who was appointed by then-Governor Clinton to the Mena Municipal Airport Board. Unfortunately, the night before he was to be graduated from law school, he tragically committed suicide in a mysterious airplane crash.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective lawyer took Peter aside and said, "Cousin Peter, I is more tickled than a tick in a blood bank to be in this here heaven, but I misses very much the opportunity to have served my great state of Arkansas and work to'ards the goal uh makin' the world a better place in which to live in. Is it possible for folks in heaven to run for office? I'd be happy with even a little office like, say, mayor?"
Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone wanting to be mayor of our celestial city. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Creator about that. But I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the student was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Himself, where he made his petition. The Lord looked at him affectionately and said, "I'll tell you what: Wait one hundred years and if you still want to run for mayor, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well, a century went by, and the student, still very much wanting to run for office, came back. Again the Lord of Mercy said, "You must wait another hundred years and then we will discuss your request again."
Finally, he comes before the Lord God Almighty the third time, two hundred years since the first request, and prays to the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may have your wish. After all, this is Paradise! Next Tuesday we will hold the first celestial election. And your victory party will be on me!"
The campaign went smoothly. All the voters thought the young candidate showed great promise and he won in a landslide. At the victory party, Moses brought a stone plaque for the new mayor to bang his gavel on and Joseph presented him with a new multi-colored mayoral robe. King David and his son Solomon sang a dedicatory song together. Samson volunteered to by the mayor-elect's sergeant-at-arms, and Paul even built a cabana where Peter served lox for everybody.
But, after a few decades on the job, you guessed it, the young mayor discovered he had a PR problem and realized that he had never been interviewed about his accomplishments.
So he went to Peter to make another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if he could be interviewed in heaven. When Peter heard the request, he looked at the young mayor and said, "Look, it took us two hundred years to find a politician in heaven for you to run against; it would take an eternity to find a reporter!"
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The American Revolution was foreshadowed a century earlier in North Carolina.
From 1677 to 1679 John Culpepper, one of the leaders of the revolt,
was appointed Governor of North Carolina
by a group of rebels whose chiefest grievance was the
onerous British trade laws being enforced by the colonial government.
Hence, the rebellion became known as the Culpepper Rebellion.
Perhaps you have seen the Culpepper Flag.
It depicts a coiled rattlesnake and bears the motto,
Don't Tread on Me.
In a disarmingly honest choice of symbolism, the Clinton co-presidential campaign organization has adapted the flag of the Culpepper Rebellion to represent their own revolutionary plans. As you look at the flag you will notice America's new motto, "E Pluribus Unum, Out of one, many," first pronounced by Vice President Algore in a speech (appropriately addressing Affirmative Action). |
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It is an annual tradition for presidents to undergo their annual physicals at the Bethesda Naval hospital. After the checkup, a press briefing is always held where the nation is assured that the president is in prime health. This year, Hillary and Vice President Al Gore accompanied Bill and got their own checkups at the same time. Of course, being very secretive about her private life, Hillary did not make a media event out of her own results; and Algore doesn't make a big deal out of his checkup, either.
After Bill's checkup, Hillary took the doctors aside and demanded a report. The cardiologist said, "I'm afraid the strain of life in the fast lane has taken its toll on the president. Between long-term stress and side effects of controlled substances he never sniffed, it's affected his renal and cardiovascular systems. I've already instructed Vice President Algore to prepare himself to occupy the oval office before the end of the term."
"No f___ing way," shouted Hillary. "I've still got too f___ing much to accomplish! You get him through the next four and a half years if you value your @$%? life!"
"It's not up to me, but if you'll do the following four things, you've got a chance of reversing the damage.
"First, each morning, get him to eat a healthy breakfast of fruit and oatmeal, and send him off to work in a good mood."
"I can do that," she replied.
"Second, for lunch time," continued the physician, "make him a sandwich with whole-grain bread, no more than half an ounce of meat and cheese, and no mayonnaise; give him carrot sticks; and give him more fruit for dessert. And make sure you put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
"Third, for dinner, order an especially nice meal with lots of vegetables and no more than three ounces of meat, and don't burden him with shop talk.
"Fourth, and most important, he needs exercise and stress relief, so pleasure him every night. Do these four things, and Algore won't become Commander- in-Chief for at least another four years."
On the way back to the White House in Limo One, Bill turned to Hillary and asked, "The doctor said you had something to share with me. You seem so serious. Are you OK?"
Hillary, deep in contemplation, didn't answer, but thought to herself, "If Tipper mysteriously committed suicide, I wonder whether Al would find me attractive?"
Bill asked again after first making sure he got Hillary's attention. She replied, "The doctor said you needed to know four things.
"First, you need to eat fruit and oatmeal for breakfast every morning."
"I can do that," Bill replied.
"Second, more fruit for lunch, and no more than half an ounce of meat and cheese."
"What? No more Big Macs?" Bill asked with mock discomfort.
"Third, lots of vegetables for dinner, with no more than three ounces of meat. And no shop talk until afterwards."
Bill said nothing.
"Fourth, and most important, you need exercise and to start prepping Algore to become Commander-in-Chief."
...A week later, the cardiologist was overheard saying into the telephone. "Yes, I told her. I'm sorry it didn't work, sir."
Finally!
Here it is!
The Verrrry Scarey Story that Had a Happy Ending!
Vic Bilson's
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