Clinton College of Public Policy
Disssociated Press
12/28/98
FAYETTEVILLE (DP) -- Officials of the University of
Arkansas hope to create a new William Jefferson Clinton
College of Public Policy with funds left over from
an appropriation for the Clinton Presidential Library.
B. Alan Sugg, president of the university system,
says the Clinton College will be a free-standing school --
a so-called "college without walls" -- where
graduate-level students can earn a master's degree
while performing public services.
"To understand the concept of a free-standing school,
just picture a pair of pants without a zipper," said Sugg.
"Studies will not be confined by the traditional
restrictions imposed by a linear curriculum."
Despite an apparent abundance of hedging, Sugg maintains
that the courses will interconnect the rooms in students'
lives via open paths without windowless hallways.
"Besides, the behavior code requires instructors to
never be 'alone' with students. Of course, we're still
working on a definition of 'alone'."
"This is an effort to move $1.1 million in
leftover funds, given to the Clinton Library to a
separate, free-standing unit in the UA system,"
said Pat Torvestad, director of planning and development
for the UA system.
According to auditors, the library budget surplus
came about because so many Clinton Administration
records are missing or have been accidentally destroyed
by fires and shredding, that the library is only expected
to fill to one quarter of its design capacity. The problem
will be further exaggerated if the President is unable to
finish out his second term in office.
The university has requested establishment of 16 full-time
positions in the 1999-2000 Higher Education funding budget.
32 additional part-time positions and an open-ended number
of volunteer positions have been requested for the
internship program.
The following information was gleaned from the application
to the Arkansas state legislature and obtained through the
Freedom of Information Act.
Cooperative Regional Academic Program (CRAP)
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*Degrees:
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B.A. in BS
M.S. (Master in Spinology)
PhD. (Piled Higher and Deeper)
CPK (Certificate in Presidential Kneepads)
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Special Internships:
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Individually tailored and available by audition only
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Extension classes:
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Available at the federal campuses at Lompoc, CA,
Leavenworth, KS, or San Quentin, CA
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Sports Teams:
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"The Shredders"
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* Credits for courses completed at other institutions
may be claimed by The College.
Clinton College Curriculum Plan (CCCP)
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Political Science 501: Practical Government I
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Integrating the five branches of government:
Executive, legislative, judicial, academic, and the press
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Political Science 502: Practical Government II
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Effective utilization of the spin cycle:
Policy,
semantic tailoring through focus groups,
trial balloons, leaks, press releases,
reportage and filtered reportage,
push-polls and polls, and
implementation
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Political Science 503: Practical Government III
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Effective utilization of educational resources to
indirectly influence electoral trends,
establish foundations for long-term sociological goals,
and to gather intelligence on familial cell groups
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Political Science 601, 602, 603: Prevarication and Obfuscation I, II, & III
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Creative utilization of multi- and nebulo-denotative
language in the codification of public policy,
with emphasis on creation of circumventive exceptions
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Philosophy 501: What Is 'Is'?
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An epistomological journey with the verb of being
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Sociology 510: The Modern Feminist Token Economy
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Explores the traffic of prurient favors and
iconographic tokens in return for public support
of feminist policies and professional advancement
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Sociology 511: Population Studies
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The necessity and role of life-enhancing missions
such International Planned Parenthood in preserving
the integrity of the planet
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Sociology 513: The Prosecutor as Oppressor Class
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Explores, using Marxist exegesis, the nature of
prosecutors as an oppressor class imprisoning the
libidos of vulnerable citizens
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Business Law 501: Permissible Perjury and Mental Reservation
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How to use multi- and nebulo-denotative language
in the judicial setting; effective transfer of
culpability; and how to grossly redirect perceptions
without compromising culpability
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Business Law 502: Permissible Injury and Anal Perforation
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The science of pre-forensic corrective actions,
including techniques of post-natal abortion
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Business Law 514: How to Coerce an Affadavit
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An exposition of effective coercive techniques
for tailoring affadavits. (Guest lecturers:
Terry Lenzner, Jack Palladino.)
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Business Law 516: The Joint-Defense Agreement
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The use of the joint defense agreement to get a
"heads-up" to avoid conflicting testimony
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Business Law 518: The Preemptive Leak
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The use of leaks and exaggeration to impugn the legitimacy of a lawful investigation.
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Economics 510: Multigender Team-building
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Characteristics to look for in women that assist the executive in exploring relationships inside the workplace while having a minimum impact both within and without the workplace
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Economics 520: The Joys of Socialism
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The implementation and maintenance of systems of centralized planning, controlled means of production, and molded public sentiment
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Environmental Science 501: Introduction to Environmental Science
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The art of creating and interpreting scientific data in order to substantiate favorable policies
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Environmental Sciences 601: Environment and the Government
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Implementation of the holistic, maternalistic government through promotion of environmental policy
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Speech 501: Basic Oral Skills
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Introduction to skills useful to novice public employees (e.g., non-reciprocal nurturing through interpersonal congress)
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Speech 502: Intermediate Oral Skills
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Intermediate skills for public employees (e.g., fundament osculation, parsing on-the-fly)
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Speech 503: Advanced Oratory Skills
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The discipline of focused interchange, with emphasis on techniques for maintaining focus in the face of such problems as overwhelming factoidal obstacles and deficiency of informational assets |
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Speech 601: Speed Screeding
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Techniques for maintaining control of discussions and for communicating overwhelming amounts of information without being hindered by factual rigidity or Boolean rigor (led by J. Carville, with guest lectures by Visiting Professor Camille Paglia)
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Required Supplies and Study Materials
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Webster's (Hubbell's) Dictionary, Clintong Edition on re-writeable CD-ROM (with dozens of parsed definitions for each word; subject to revision daily)
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It Takes a Village, H. R. Clintong
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Hustler Magazine (subscription)
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Mein Kampf, A. Hitler
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The Communist Manifesto, K. Marx
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The Complete Barbara Streisand (CD collection)
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Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot, A. Franken
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Dear Buddy, Dear Socks, H. R. Clinton, ed.
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La Monica Cigars (one box)
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Sharon Stone (R) Condoms (one case)
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Dr. Elder's Scented Hand and Body Lotion
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Poster boards, poster paint
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Coat hangers
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Assorted ribbons, with safety pins
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Knee pads (wear-resistant steel
or Kevlar recommended)
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Stain remover (must contain DNA-depolymerizing solvent
or catalyst)
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Faculty and Staff
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The Hon. William Jefferson Clinton, BA, MA, PhD, JD, PD, McD,
BVD, Distinguished Professor of Law; Director, Food Services
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Alan Dershowbiz, PhD, JD, Professor of Philosophy,
Professor of Economics (specialties in identifying good
and evil, and in debunking overwhelming statistical evidence,
respectively)
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Larry Flynt, Chaplin
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Gen. Janet "Tank Girl" Reno, JD, Commandant, ROTC
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Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson Lee, and Carol Mostly Braun (Speech Department)
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* Hillary Rockem Clinton, JD, MD, BFD, Chairs, Dept. of Child
Development, Dept. of Health Management, Dept. of Urban and
Village Planning; Director, Dept. of Economics (Investments
Section)
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Hon. Edward Kennedy, DWI, Coordinator, Driver Education
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Craig Livingstone, Chairman, Dept. of National Security Studies
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Vernon Jordan, Director, Outplacement Services
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Barney Frank, Chairman, Dept. of Proctology
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Albert Gore, Distinguished Professor, Dept. of Environmental Sciences
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James Carville, Chairman, Department of Strategic Negotiation
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F. Castro, Special Lecturer on International Relations
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M. Lewinsky, Special Lecturer on Office Relationships
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* It may be noted that H. R. Clinton is broad enough to
fill several chairs.
Coaching Staff
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William J. Clinton, Personal Trainer, skating team
(he's great with those spins)
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William J. Clinton, Personal Trainer, women's basketball
(experienced with assists)
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William J. Clinton, Personal Trainer, women's swimming
(knows all the strokes)
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William J. Clinton, Personal Trainer, women's track
(they'd be the ones running out of the gym screaming)
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William J. Clinton, Coach, cheerleeding squad
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Chelsea Clinton, Coach, dog sled team
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Hillary Rodhand Clinton, Coach, boxing and self-defense
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Kathleen Willey, Coach, women's wrestling
(experienced with grappling)
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Ted Kennedy, Coach, women's swim team
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The Clinton College Guest Licture Series
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Jerry Rivers (star of the Geraldo Rivera Show) - The prominence
of Media Relations in Despotic Regimes
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Hon. Richard Gephardt - The Art of Political Consensus-Building
and Integrity in Government
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Rep. John Conyers and Sen. Tom Daschele - Impartiality of
Representatives and Senators during the Impeachment Process
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| The Hon. William Jefferson Clinton -
Creative Use of the English Language in Political Discourse
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Facilities and Schedule
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We're easy to find: Just look for the bronze statue of
Gen. Joycelyn Elders riding her trusty steed, Dicky Morris.
Classes alternate between the Astroturf-lined bed
of the red pickup truck on the concrete blocks
(not the one on the red bricks) and under the
professor's desk. On federal campuses, classes
will be held in the conjugal visitation chambers
or linen closets, depending on availability.
Classes meet in late evening, in early morning,
or after Easter services. Classes commence as soon
as Hillary leaves the premises.
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Fees
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To be determined. Estimated to be greater than the cost
of watching the President's weekly radio address,
but less than the price of a night in the Lincoln Bedroom).
Students should be prepaired to pay with thier lives.
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Professor Clinton:
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