Why this journal?

Journal has the dictionary meaning of recording of daily activities, events & observations for future recall. As an involuntary but nevertheless satisfied public bus passenger, I realise the need for such an outlet (fire) to release tensions, reflect, explore new insights & understand others & myself. Anyway, through writing, juices of humour start flowing as I look back to the past. This also makes bus riding a more thoroughly enjoyable experience.

Looks like you might as well live in the buses

Oh yah … often a times living seems more like a cage rather than the dreamt freedom that supposedly come with nation development, openness & democracy

Seems you have a complex relational learning system?

Talking about physiology, any frequent bus passenger can say quite a bit on this. I remember today (28062001) the lady sitting beside me with all her distracting body language:

• Burps: incessant burping with sounds & smells rumbling from the bottom of her active stomach, quite gross actually
• Fidgeting thighs, fingers: the thighs first contract inwards & rock sideways for a quick moment before she controls; her fingers seldom stay put - fidget her things, rubbing, sweeping her hair like a broom
• Rumbling walkman music, loud enough for me to hear as if I'm one myself, ear-numbing
• Coughs a lot, with audible stomach noises & visible movements
• Twitching of upper arms & thighs in line with stomach
• Breathing in is silent as a lamb, but exhalation is loud as thunder, quite heavy as if the weight of the world is on her
• Ironically, despite all these warning bodily signs of sickness, she is not the least focused on her previous body instead she is listening intently to me & her surroundings - a militarised behaviour signaling a "Fight-or-Flight" nervous response to external stimulus aggravated by the unconscious

Her reactions have caused much distraction, I need much holding back to reconfigure my physiological systems

Looks like you are easily distracted

Distractions are perceptual disturbances that if allowed to breed in the consciousness, present external stimulus to the physiological system to respond.

I met a few of these distractions today (30062001). First, man sitting beside me incessantly peering over. He has totally ignored the rolling scenery that the wide windows of the air-conditioned public TIBS bus offer. Is it that the scenery is just too ordinary, not striking & common? Is it we have always been travelling along this stretch that we are tired of it & choose to retrain the focus of our restlessness? Do we take things for granted? Do we pay to get disturbed & not being able to enjoy & flow along? Or am I doing things that attract attention - flipping TODAY newspaper noisily, peering over, too still (as if the chairs & other furniture are not), moving too often for "their" comfort?

Second, my last bus (960) as a student with the last bus stamp of my life is extremely crowded with the passengers having waited for over half an hour with no avail. Naturally tensions are high - having waited so long, so many people, no seats, have to stand crowded together & many with nothing better to do & focusing their restlessness on their bus neighbours. In addition, this busload of passengers are not ordinary - they are bound for the weekly turf club activities of horse-racing, so naturally anxious & bound with a "free-for-all" & "anything goes" attitude. In effect, no mercy. I stand beside this man throughout the journey from Bukit Panjang to Kranji without noticing him. Unfortunately, when people are unloading on the Kranji turf, this man started shoving & pushing me, as I seem to be blocking his majestic way to "fortune". At that time, I am letting others in front of me to pass by & do not bother about my back where that man is scrambling to pass. At first, he push but I can't move as others are also crowded near the entrance. Then he suddenly increased his force as well as anger. That was the time I was about to move aside, but I resisted him as his force was not "friendly". He started cursing me up & down as he alighted while his woman (wonder if it's his wife or not, you know these people) watched my reactions solemnly. My feelings are mixed - anger due to being the one shoved for no choice (I'm also stuck in a crowd) & cursed (not good when this situation is so ridiculously minor); puzzled as he didn't stop to ponder my side of the crowd (perhaps greed blinds people & their thinking as well) & why he would want to curse others when he's on his way to fortune (maybe he's never one, thus ill-fortune always accompanies him & forces him to "try his luck"), well he'd better not try me - he's my punching bag; insightful as the balance of madness & calm gathers inside me - I picture 太極張三丰 practising his Tai Ji Quan, the firm movement releasing my anguish, frustration, anger & hatred; the calm, flexible movement teaching me the humour within, the strength within the softness, the health within the harm & the depth of thoughtfulness within the superficiality of emotions (especially of the unconsciousness being the driving mastermind force)

Do you have to think so deeply in order to board a bus?

It is just another way to adapt to the bus passenger circumstances. It may entail quite a lot of thought, but ultimately I find it to be sustaining & staying stance. As I have observed, others have their own ways. Some read, looking around for a breather. Some listen to walkman. Some do their stuff, looking out of the window. Some appear dazed, perhaps tired, wondering or bored. Some look normal, having that faraway look in their eyes. And some focus on other passengers.

Just today (06072001), I'm faced with a man seemingly focusing on me. It always makes me wonder why, when & under what circumstances that make those looking actually focus on a target passenger. Hence, I too focus my attention on this man - a Malay in casual jeans, green shirt & sports shoes. At first, he is leaning against the rotating "merry-go-round" of this bendy bus. He starts by making those screeching sounds - sssi ….. like a snake in the bus, asking to be silenced. When I focus on him, he appears nonchalant and looks anywhere but my corner. Interesting indeed. Wanting attention yet shunting it. Scientifically, this phenomenon is equivalent to the accumulation of energies - the calm before the storm, the peace before the war, the preparation before the exam & the foreplay before the emotions.

As if circumstances would dictate, the bus becomes more crowded & shifting occur. However, the man chooses to stand next to my seat instead going elsewhere & continues his disturbing hissing sounds. It is really welling up to the point of boiling as he does all kinds of fidgeting, yawning, shuffling & hissing. What is interesting & intriguing is that he actually continues to do all these nonsense despite that he is already tired & succumbing to his desires. The unconscious is now in the driver's role, as the body weakens & yields to it. The brain & consciousness are dampened, baffled & muted. In fact, I can safely say the man is hooked to over-powering desires. Ironically, he is the one who allows this to happen, weakening his thought, will & health. He may blame the circumstances including me for "doing this to him", but the fact is he allows it. It takes two hands to clap.

Eventually, to get rid of this man & release bottled tensions that I have allowed myself to accumulate, I pick up a pen & paper to describe this scenario. I think he detects that I might be some KGB or CIA secret agent & immediately alights the crowded bus to seek refreshments elsewhere. From this episode, I do learn the importance of pressure living techniques.