Kristin’s plays include TELETHON (Trinity Rep/Brown University New Play Festival 2004 and JAW/West-Portland Center Stage 2006), OUR SERIAL REMAINS (Trinity Rep/Brown University New Play Festival 2004 and 2005), EDUCATED FLEAS (commissioned by New City Theatre), HAPPY? (commissioned and produced by Consolidated Works), SAKES ALIVE (produced by The Compound), BLUESTORY (commissioned by A Contemporary Theater, New Play Reading Series, Seattle), THE PIRATE PLAY (commissioned and produced by Youth Theater Northwest), and SUBROSA (commissioned and produced by Alice B. Theater). Before attending Brown University (MFA playwriting 2005), Kristin was Co-founder and Co-artistic director of The Compound, Seattle’s experimental performance group. Her film credits include the screenplay adaptation of HEDDA a feature length film which debuted at Seattle International Film Festival 2004, LOVE DOLL and WEDNESDAY, HANK a feature length documentary, and currently in post-production. Kristin has also directed many plays including; THE INCUBUS ARCHIVES, by W. David Hancock at The Playwrights Center’s Hot House New Play Festival, EURYDICE and THE CLEAN HOUSE, by Sarah Ruhl at The Seattle Rep’s Hot Type New Play Festival, and The Women’s New Play Festival, and FEFU AND HER FRIENDS by Maria Irene Fornes at Cornish College of the Arts.

For production rights, please contact the author at [email protected]

CONTINUED FROM LAST ISSUE

Production notes:

The set is one or two formica covered tables, three uniform chairs and a payphone. On the table, a silver napkin dispenser. Behind and above is a projection screen, on which a Dunkin Donut menu is projected. The lighting is semi-fluorescent. The costumes look cheap, thrown together, second hand. The wheelchairs and crutches are functional. The goldfish, piles of cash and coins are real.


2. CHRISTMAS

SETTING:

Five people at a table in Dunkin Donuts.
They are wearing Christmas Manger costumes.

It is late night.

CHARACTERS:

Scott	Joseph costume
Ann	Shepherd costume
Jerry	Wise Man costume, on crutches.
Shelly	Virgin Mary costume, in a manual wheelchair.
Gary	Angel costume, in a motorized wheelchair, with a computer.

The napkins in the dispenser have a special Christmas stocking design.

SHELLY UNWRAPS HER CANDY CANE. SHE HAS IT IN HER MOUTH THROUGHOUT THE SCENE.

SCOTT AND ANN PULL CASH OUT OF CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS AND BEGIN TO STACK INTO PILES AS BEFORE, EXCEPT THERE IS LESS.


Jerry: I ask you Gary, what is the meaning of love?

GARY BEGINS TO TYPE SOMETHINGVERY VERY SLOWLY
ON HIS SPECIALIZED CUSTOM LAPTOP. HE CONTINUES TYPING THROUGHOUT THE SCENE.

Jerry: Because you know- at the end of the day, I just want to be able to go home and put my feet up and hunker down with my babe. To me, that’s what it all comes down to.

Shelly: You don’t have a babe.

Ann: Where is baby Jesus?

Jerry: I have a babe.

Shelly: It’s a blow up doll.

Jerry: Excuse me? Does it look like I’m talking to you?

Ann: Scott?

Scott: What? I’m trying to count.

Ann: Where is baby Jesus?

Scott: (COUNTING UNDER HIS BREATH) Just a second.

Ann: Check Gary’s bag.

GARY STOPS TYPING.

Gary: Eeeyye dougghhhnt neeeed mey bahhg chaaannged.

HE RESUMES TYPING.

Jerry: He’s not in there.

Shelly: He’s the Angel, he didn’t have Jesus. I had Jesus. I’m Mary.

Ann: Did you forget him?

Scott: (COUNTING) Who?

Ann: Jesus.

Scott: I thought you had him.

Shelly: She’s the shepherd, she didn’t have Jesus. I had Jesus.

Ann: I had the goats.

Jerry: Sheep.

Ann: What?

Jerry: They’re sheep, not goats. Get it straight.

Ann: Fuck you.

Scott: Hey, just chill, it’s not a big deal, we’ll find him (BACK TO COUNTING)

Jerry: Yeah, chill man. We’ll find Jesus.

Ann: Don’t tell me to chill. I’m the one out there busting my ass with the herd of goats-

Jerry: It wasn’t a herd, it was three. And one of ‘em was stuffed. Big deal.

Ann: It is a big fucking deal- don’t tell me it’s not a big deal.

Scott: (STOPS COUNTING) It’s a plastic doll.

Shelly: Jerry has a doll.

Ann: What do you know, huh? You get to sit there on your ass all night cozy warm with little Virgin Mary.

Scott: You wanted to be the Shepherd.

Ann: I have allergies you know. I’m allergic to wool. I get hives.

Jerry: Hey man, don’t go blaming us for your problems with the sheep.

Ann: It’s not easy you know, I got debts to pay.

Scott: Preaching to the choir. (COUNTING AGAIN)

Jerry: Yeah, preaching to the choir baby.

Ann: Hey, lay off, I’m tired. My kid’s been sick.

Jerry: She into Barbie this year?

Ann: Pokeman. She collects.

Shelly: What’s Pokeman?

Ann: It’s Japanese. Pocket monsters.

Shelly: Is it like a game?

Ann: Sort of. The object is to catch as many wild Pokeman as you can, train them, and then do battle with them.

Shelly: Who do you battle?

Ann: Other Pokeman trainers.

Jerry: Like cock fighting.

Ann: Except when your Pokeman wins it evolves.

Shelly: Involves what?

Jerry: E-VOLVES. It evolves.

Ann: Into the higher form of itself.

Shelly: What happens when you lose? Does it die?

Ann: No, they never die. They just get really weak and they have to stay inside their shell, un-evolved, until their trainer can re-energize them and can do battle again.

Scott: How many Pokeman are there?

Ann: I don’t know, thousands-millions.

Jerry: Times three.

Scott: Times three?

Ann: Each one evolves three times. It has three forms of itself. And they cost 4.99 each. It’s expensive.

Jerry: Not as much as Barbies. Barbies are 19.99. Plus the cost of clothes.

Ann: You know, It really pisses me off. Like I don’t have anything better to spend my money on. Now every time I go to fucking WalMart my kid throws a tantrum. I want a Pokeman- I want a Pokeman! So I buy her one just to shut her up, so I don’t have to listen to the screaming. But it’s never enough. She’s never happy. She always needs more.

Scott: So, just tell her no.

Jerry: Yeah, you just gotta set some boundaries man.

Ann: Do you have a kid? Do you know what it’s like?

Scott: We all have our cross to bear.

Ann: (TO SCOTT) You don’t even have a dog.

Shelly: Todd got a kitten.

Scott: Just be grateful for what you got.

Ann: You know what I got? I got people on my ass.

Jerry: (TO SCOTT) She does have a nice ass.

Ann: They hound me. They call me every fucking day. The phone rings day and night. I’m afraid to answer it. I’m afraid to talk to these people. I don’t even know who they are. But that doesn’t matter. Because it’s never the same person twice.

Scott: How do you know?

Ann: I have caller ID.

Shelly: Todd has ID

Jerry: You mean ADD.

Ann: Sometimes the ID says unknown name unknown number. Those I never answer. Sometimes the ID will be the name of a city. Springfield, Salt Lake, Cincinnati. One day I’m brave and I answer the phone and I talk to them. I talk to Detroit. I tell Detroit I’m sending the money or I’ll try to send the money and we talk and we work out a plan and I get off the phone and I feel better. I worked something out. I’m paying my debts. I have a plan.

Shelly: Todd rides the van.

Ann: I worked it out with Detroit.

Jerry: I’ve been to Detroit.

Shelly: You have not, shut up.

Ann: Then the next day the phone rings and it’s Houston.

JERRY MAKES STATIC SOUND

Ann: I answer it.

Jerry: (STATIC) Ghost to Houston.

Ann: Houston’s not as nice as Detroit. Houston doesn’t like my plan.

Jerry: (STATIC) We have a problem.

Ann: Houston doesn’t like me. Houston gets nasty and demanding.
There’s an urgency. So I promise things. I make promises I can’t possibly keep. But at least it satisfies Houston enough to get off my ass.

Jerry: (STATIC) Copy.

Ann: They hound me. I’m telling you, there is no escape. It is always accumulating. This debt. It’s wearing me out. I’m exhausted.

Shelly: I’m hungry.

Scott: I need more coffee.

Jerry: I need tea.

Ann: My crotch itches.

Scott: My bowels, they’re killing me.

Jerry: He needs to do his three shishes.

Ann: His what?

Jerry: His three shishes. Shit-shower-shave. He’s not right without them. I need tea.

Scott: They don’t have tea here. You need to adapt.
God, it’s like I have a furball or something winding through my bowels.

Ann: My sister had a furball.

Shelly: Did she have kittens?

Ann: It was a cyst. Uterine. It was the size of a cantaloupe.

Scott: She have it removed?

Ann: It must have weighed like four pounds. It had hair and teeth.

Shelly: What did she do with it?

Ann: She had it removed.

Shelly: No, after it was removed. What did she do with it?

Ann: I don’t know. It was in the hospital.

Shelly: Did they keep it?

Ann: Who?

Shelly: The hospital?

Ann: I don’t know, I guess they just threw it away.

Shelly: I wish I had a kitten.

Jerry: (TO ANN) Hey, what’s that girl’s name?

Ann: Who? My sister?

Jerry: The one from the bookmobile.

Scott: The one with the tits? She’s a skank.

Jerry: Shut up, she is not.

Scott: Oh, you like her. She your type?

Shelly: She has toxic shock.

Ann: Gross. From tampons?

Jerry: Shut up.

Scott: Yeah, don’t start talking about tampons.

Ann: I don’t use tampons. I use pads.

Scott: Don’t start talking about pads. That should be saved for the hut.

Ann: What hut?

Scott: The menstruation hut. It’s where the women used to go when they started bleeding. They went to the hut and they bled together. They didn’t come out until they were done so the men didn’t have to deal with them.

Ann: When was this?

Scott: A long time ago. They were banished from the village and all the men went hunting.

Ann: I need coffee.

ANN GETS UP TO GO GET COFFEE.
SCOTT GRABS SOME CASH FROM THE STACK AND HANDS IT TO ANN AS SHE PASSES BY.

Scott: Get one for me.

SHE HESITATES.
THEN SHE GOES.

Jerry: You like horror?

Scott: Like blood and guts and people dying for no particular reason except for the shear excitement of random brutality?

Jerry: Yeah.

Scott: It’s all right. I’d rather watch football.

Jerry: Me too. You play?

Scott: Used to. I fucked up my knee.

Jerry: Me too.

Shelly: You did not, shut up.

Jerry: We are simple creatures.

Scott: Who?

Jerry: Men. We have simple needs.

Scott: What do you mean?

Jerry: I mean, come on, what do we really want?

Scott: Overall?

Jerry: I mean at the end of the day.

Scott: At the end of the day? Literally?

Jerry: Yeah.

Scott: I guess I just want to come home, watch a little TV, eat a little ramen, talk a little, or not-

Jerry: And fuck.

Scott: Basically, yeah, that’s it.

Jerry: I mean we’re educated, don’t get us wrong.

Scott: Yeah, we read.

Shelly: Todd reads.

Jerry: We know things.

Scott: We’re not Mr. Lazy-Boy in the trailer park.

Jerry: We just know what we like.

Scott: Nothing wrong with that.

Shelly: Jerry likes Barbies.

Jerry: I like a woman who likes sex.

Scott: Who doesn’t?

Jerry: I mean a woman who really enjoys it. Who wants it all the time.

Scott: Like 24 hours a day? That would wear me out man. I mean, you have to stop every once in a while for like food and shit, right?

Jerry: The secret is you gotta think of your orgasm as the beginning of making love. Not the end, not the climax, the beginning.

Scott: The beginning?

Jerry: That, and you gotta like pussy.

Shelly: Todd likes pussies.

Jerry: It should intoxicate you. Sure, every once in a while you run into a rancid one. But its not their fault, it means they are rotting from the inside.

Scott: The secret is you gotta feed ‘em. They are what they eat.

Shelly: Todd gave me a candy cane. It’s a hook.

Jerry: Feed your woman?

Scott: Yeah, you know, cook for her. Cook really great food and feed her. Fruits are good, and vegetables.

Jerry: Stay away from the dairy. Too much milk and cheese and you get that yeasty thing.

Scott: Whole grains. Poly-unsaturated fats. Olive oil. Chicken.

Jerry: Spices.

Shelly: Sugar and spice and everything nice.

Jerry: No sugar. Honey.

Shelly: I’m not your honey.

Jerry: You feed her and she is happy.

Scott: She is taken care of.

Jerry: She is loved from both directions.

Scott: North and south.

Jerry: It’s like Korea.

Scott: And her pussy is the DMZ.

Shelly: What’s DMZ?

Scott: Demilitarized zone.

Jerry: A whole lot of tension, but it’s what keeps you from killing each other. Know what I mean?

Scott: I know what you mean. I have a mother. I have a sister. I was raised by women. I know it’s not easy being female.

Jerry: You got to deal with the blood and the cramps and having the babies or not having the babies.

Scott: You got to deal with being beautiful or not being beautiful or feeling worthy or not feeling worthy. And on top of that you also got to be smart and sexy and tough and not a fucking victim. But every fucking day you are faced with becoming a victim.

Jerry: Some women, they get a lot of mileage out of that. Being a victim.

Shelly: I don’t get good mileage.

Scott: It’s not their fault, but you know- dealing with all that shit- that takes a lot of energy. I used to have a wife. We fought a lot. Man, did we have some fights. Said things to that woman that I wouldn’t have said to my dog.

Jerry: Yeah, I used to have a dog.

Scott: I’ve done some really stupid things.

Jerry: Me too. But we can’t dwell on them. What good is that? We’ve wasted enough time.

Scott: Yeah.

Jerry: I figure you say you’re sorry to the person you hurt, try to make amends, and they forgive you and you agree to put it all behind you and you move on.

Scott: You begin again.

Jerry: And if they don’t, if they can’t forgive you, then well, you tip your hat and take a bow and get as far away from them as possible. You fucking take a hike. Don’t hang around waiting for their forgiveness because it will never come. It will be torture.

Scott: I’m not a masochist.

Shelly: Pacifist.

Jerry: Yeah, I’m not into self-abuse. I’ve learned not to stay where I’m not needed. What’s the point in that?

ANN COMES BACK WITH THE COFFEE.

Ann: Here’s your coffee.

Scott: I’m getting old.

Ann: I’m suicidal.

Jerry: Did you call the hot line?

Ann: It was busy. It’s Christmas.

Shelly: My Mom killed herself. She had pretty handwriting. She left a suicide note, except it was more like poetry or a song. Like I’m a little teapot. I made a story box out of it in crafts. But I don’t think Linda liked it. She said it was like a wet floor.

Scott: Metaphor. She said it was a met-a-phor.

Shelly: What’s a metaphor?

Scott: A tale of a whale.

Jerry: I eat whale.

Scott: Isn’t that illegal?

Jerry: We got special permission.

Scott: Who?

Jerry: My tribe.

Shelly: You don’t have a tribe, shut up.

Jerry: Said it was okay as long as we did it the old fashioned way, with like canoes and spears and shit. So we paddled out and caught a whale. Caused a lot of commotion. All the save the whale’s freaks came out and made a stink. Held vigils. We did it anyway. Dragged it up to the bank and cut it up.

Shelly: Todd goes to the bank.

Jerry: Divided it into like a thousand pieces- enough to feed the entire tribe and all their second cousins. We had a barbecue.

Scott: Oh yeah? What’s it taste like?

Jerry: Pussy. Wanna try it sometime? We froze the leftovers in Tupperware.

Ann: You’re sick.

Jerry: I can’t stay in one place for more than a day or something bad will happen. I mean really bad.

Ann: Oh yeah? How bad?

Jerry: You don’t wanna know how bad. Some people call me the gansta of love. I got this tattoo on my forehead. Wanna see?

Ann: The sign of the cross?

Jerry: It’s a target. I’m being followed. I need to stay out of range.

Ann: You’re giving me a headache.

Scott: Chill out man.

Jerry: I’m just yanking your chain.

Ann: Yank your own chain. I’m not in the mood.

Shelly: (TO SCOTT) I think you’re nice.

Scott: I’m glad.

Shelly: You warm the washcloths. I like that.

Scott: I know. You said.

Shelly: You’re good with the washcloth. You know how to do it. It feels nice.

Scott: Good. That’s good.

Shelly: Thanks.

Scott: It’s my job.

Ann: Check out this flyer.

Scott: What is it?

Ann: For a church. Here, read it.

ANN HANDS SCOTT A CHURCH FLYER.

Scott: (READING)
Kids take over the church.
New Years Eve Party.
8pm to 1pm
There will be dancing, raping, and much more for the Lord.
Hope to see you there
God bless.
Ann: It’s supposed to be rapping. Not Raping. It’s a typo.

Scott: That’s unfortunate.

Jerry: I need to go.

JERRY STANDS, AWKWARDLY.

Shelly: Number two?

Jerry: Don’t laugh at me. I don’t like being laughed at.

Scott: We’re not laughing.

Jerry: Don’t laugh.

Scott: What’s the problem man?

Jerry: You’re pushing me.

Scott: It’s my job dip-shit. I push. I’m paid to push.

Jerry: Not that kind of push. I mean like buttons. You push my buttons.

Scott: Since when do I push your buttons? Come on, I thought we were good. I thought we got past this.

JERRY SITS AGAIN, AWKWARDLY.

Jerry: I just don’t know why you have to be that way.

Scott: What way?

Shelly: He’s sensitive.

Jerry: It’s my plate.

Scott: What plate? What are you talking about?

Jerry: The plate in my head.

Scott: You don’t have a plate in your head. Get off.

Ann: What kind of plate?

Shelly: Like a dish?

Jerry: It’s tectonic. It’s a tectonic plate. It shifts

Shelly: Teutonic?

Jerry: Tectonic. Teutonic is something else.

Ann: What is it?

Jerry: I have a fissure. Don’t get too close or you’ll fall in.

Scott: It’s probably titanium.

Ann: Is that like Teflon?

Scott: It’s metal.

Ann: Won’t it rust?

Jerry: No. But if it did it would be stronger. Like the guardrails

Ann: What guardrails?

Jerry: The highway guard rails. They used to paint them to protect them from rusting but then someone noticed that the rust made them stronger so now they don’t paint them. I had a vision on the highway.

Shelly: I have visions.

Ann: Visions of sugarplums?

Shelly: I had one tonight, in the manger. It was shiny.

Ann: Shiny?

Shelly: Yes.

Ann: Would you even say it glowed?

Shelly: You don’t like me.

Ann: I like you. What does that have to do with anything?

Shelly: You’re jealous.

Ann: Jealous of what?

Shelly: Of me. It’s okay.

Ann: I’m not jealous of you.

Shelly: You’ll find someone. Don’t worry. You won’t be alone. Have you ever been in love?

Jerry: She is in love.

Ann: You shut your mouth.

Scott: What. He push a button?

Ann: Drop it.

Scott: C’mon Jerry, spill it, who she hot for?

Jerry: You don’t know?

Ann: I said DROP IT!

Scott: Who is it?

Jerry: Read between the lines man. You’re smart.

Ann: (TO JERRY) Read between these lines.

SHE HOLDS UP THREE FINGERS.

Shelly: Todd’s smart. He has a job.

Ann: He’s a bagger Shelly.

Shelly: He’s not a beggar. He works. He has money. He bought a phone.

Jerry: Bagger. He bags groceries. BAGG-ER. Christ. I give up.

Ann: I think she has the waxy build up again.

Scott: We’re out of Q-tips.

Ann: It’s Jerry. He hoards them.

Jerry: I do not.

Ann: He has a fetish.

Jerry: They feel good.

Scott: Quit hoarding the Q-tips man. You know the rules.

Jerry: I get tingles.

Shelly: Tingle bells.

Ann: He’s got a fetish.

Shelly: I want a fetish. Do they bite?

Jerry: It’s an experiment. I’m unlocking a mystery. Get off my fucking case.

Scott: Chill man. You got something you need to get off your chest? What’s going on?

Jerry: You think I have some deep psychological scar. You think maybe I am working out something internal.

Shelly: Infernal.

Jerry: Some fucked up thing that happened in my childhood like I was abandoned by my mother or abused by my father or I don’t know- choose one. But the truth is I don’t remember. I have no memories. They have been erased. And what is left is a party line memory.

Ann: What kind of party?

Scott: Like a political party?

Shelly: I love parties.

Jerry: No. A phone party line- like channels on the phone. Other peoples memories, seeping in.

Ann: He needs his meds.

Jerry: Hello, I can hear you. I’m not deaf.

Scott: We’re happy for you Jerry.

Ann: You finish the count?

Scott: Yeah.

Ann: How’d we do?

Scott: I think we’re all right. We made the quota.

Jerry: You take out for rent?

Scott: What do you mean?

Jerry: We have to pay the rent.

Scott: What rent?

Ann: The Manger rent.

Scott: What?

Ann: It’s the new policy, remember?

Scott: What new policy?

Ann: Didn’t you read the memo?

Scott: What memo?

Ann: From Cindy.

Scott: Oh Christ.

Ann: And we have to pay for Jesus.

Scott: Didn’t he come with the manger?

Ann: Nope, just the straw.

Scott: What about the sheep? Do we have to pay for the sheep?

Ann: Yep. Three sheep.

Scott: But one was stuffed!

Jerry: Plus the cost of clothes.

Shelly: The sheep had clothes?

Scott: We have to pay for these?

Ann: Yep.

Scott: Give me a break. These suck.

Ann: That’s the policy.

Scott: That’s insane! They’re busting our balls man. I’m not gonna- I’ll fucking pound ‘em!

Ann: Chill.

Scott: But they’re taking everything we made! It’s a fucking franchise!

Shelly: I love french fries.

Scott: They can’t do that, they can’t take it away!

Ann: Calm down.

Jerry: Yeah, keep a lid on man.

Scott: It’s a fucking rip off!

Jerry: I’ll show you a rip off.

JERRY FARTS

Shelly: Jerry farted.

Jerry: I speak of the pompitous of love. Let’s go.

Scott: I can’t breath.

Jerry: I need to piss.

Shelly: I feel sick.

Ann: Where’s my purse?

Scott: What? Where are you going?

Shelly: I’m gonna throw up.

Jerry: I have to piss.

Ann: Are you okay?

Scott: I can’t breath.

Shelly: I’m getting sick.

Ann: She’s gonna hurl.

Jerry: I have to go.

Scott: I can’t-(SHORT BREATH).

Shelly: Call 911!

Ann: Unlock your brakes.

ANN PUSHES SHELLY TO THE WOMENS ROOM.
JERRY FOLLOWS ON CRUTCHES INTO THE MENS ROOM.
SCOTT REMAINS AT THE TABLE, HIS HEAD DOWN.
GARY TYPES THE FINAL KEY ON HIS COMPUTER.

HIS COMPUTOR VOICE RECITES (ALA STEPHEN HAWKING):

One upon another
passion piles up and flows with desire
making its way through the gates of antiquity
towards now…
No use clamoring to shut the gate.
Ready or not, it will arrive.
Through fields of snow and wheat,
past drooping dime store dreams bittersweet.
It will come to you and make itself at home.
At home amongst your unmade bed and dirty dishes,
crumbs of life on your table and underfoot.
And it is good.
It will happen to all of us
at one point and another.
Some divine it “grace bestowed of happiness”,
Others simply blush, and call it “love”.
I never know what to call it.
But it doesn’t matter.
Because it always seems to arrive,
in one form and another, humble or exalted.

BLACKOUT.