Richa: Didi! Did you hear anything about Binaya?
Me: No, I didn’t. Why? What happened?
Richa: Binaya dai committed suicide!
Me: What!!!!
I panicked. My whole body froze. Cold blood ran into my nerves.
Binaya! I had first heard about him in Nepal; he had helped me get admitted to in New Mexico Highlands University. He was the best friend of my fiancée. Binaya used to call my fiancée 'uncle', as they happened to be relatives and grew up together in the same village. Binaya used to call me aunt. Although I had only heard about him when I was in Nepal, I finally met him after coming to the United States where he was studying for his Masters Degree in Applied Chemistry.
He was a really nice and friendly guy. He was very helpful. Binaya was a sincere guy with a good sense of humor. He used to make every event special. In fact, Binaya was our great friend.
I lived in New Mexico for one semester before transferring to UW-Whitewater. During my stay at NMHU Binaya used to take care of me a lot. He used to say: “If I didn’t take care of you your fiancée would complain to me.” We used to cook and dine together, sometimes in my apartment and sometimes in his.
Las Vegas, New Mexico, is a very small city like Whitewater. As we didn’t have our own car, we used to walk to the bank together and go to the grocery shop. We had nothing else to do. So we used to go swimming whenever we had time. He was taking swimming class and learning how to tread in the water. I was good at swimming but I was scared to dive. After few lessons in swimming Binaya used to say that diving is fun, let’s dive together, but we never had a chance.
We used to party once or twice a month. It was not actually a party but a fine gathering. There would be Binaya’s special recipe of meat. Every time we cooked chicken he used to say we’re having a party. Cooking more than two dishes was a party for him. At that time we used to call all our friends to the apartment and eat together. Sometimes we used to call the Nepali students from World College New Mexico, which is also located in Las Vegas. Especially on an occasion like Dashain or Tihar we used to gather people. We had a great time together.
Last May my fiancée and I went to New Mexico for Binaya’s graduation. He was very happy. His relatives from Texas also came to join Binaya on his graduation day. We took videos and pictures around the University and his apartment. He was expecting to go to Texas Tech University after finishing presentation on his thesis from NMHU. He told us that he was going to Texas Tech University in July to take part in an orientation program for his PhD degree in Chemistry and that he would return to New Mexico in August to present his thesis.
He used to call us a lot. He called us on every weekend. After his graduation day he was busy on his thesis. He was stressed to finish the thesis and worried about the degree. What if he couldn’t make it? He started feeling depressed. He told us that he went to a doctor and started taking anti depression medicine. He told us he was really worried about his degree.
After few weeks it was time for him to go to Texas, so we were expecting a call from him. But he didn’t call. We tried to call him, but he had already disconnected the telephone line to make it easy to move to Texas. We were waiting for his call and waiting to hear about his Texas visit, but he never called.
On August 13, 2003, we got the call from Richa, a girl who transferred to New Mexico Highlands University from Concordia University, Wisconsin, telling us that Binaya committed suicide on Saturday August 9, 2003. The day she arrived in Las Vegas, the international advisor told her that a Nepali student had committed suicide. After talking to the international advisor she came to know that it was Binaya. She was expecting to meet him there, but he hung himself before she could even see him.
Suicide is very uncommon in Nepal. It is considered to be a degraded, illegal, and most of all irresponsible action, especially when the suicide is the only son in a family. Parents expect much from a son. Parents expect their son to attend their funeral, not to attend their son’s funeral. Binaya’s suicide was particularly shocking for us. I couldn’t concentrate. I went cold as if cold blood ran into my nerves. I was dumb for a while. What was he thinking? What was the matter with him? What must be the reason that he had to take his life? Binaya died leaving everybody in shock and mystery.
We called his uncle in Texas about him. He told us that Binaya returned to New Mexico from Texas on Friday night. Before going to New Mexico he bought the return ticket to Texas also. But they got the news on Saturday evening that he had hung himself in his room. They had the funeral on Sunday. They had told his family about Binaya’s death but not about his suicide. Binaya’s told us that the police were doing an investigation and would publish a report after getting a postmortem report from the hospital.
Even though I had known Binaya for only a little time, his death had a very big impact on me. It took me more than a week to overcome the shock about his suicide. I often miss him. Many things remind me of him. I still can’t believe that he is gone. Whenever I cook chicken I remember Binaya’s recipe. Whenever I think of him my eyes fill with tears.
I still think he should have called us before going to New Mexico. If he had called us he would never have died. At least he should have called us once.
We called some of his friends, whom we knew, in the United States about his action. Everyone was shocked to hear the news and asked us what was the reason. Did he have a broken heart was the most common question. But we still don’t know the reason for his suicide. We are waiting to get the report from Las Vegas Police department. We came to know from his roommate that he had written a letter before committing suicide. But we understand that if releasing a letter would harm anybody who is living, then the police would never disclose what had been written in his final letter. So we are unsure if we will ever be able to know the reason for his suicide or not.
After one year I will graduate from the University; I expected him to be here at Whitewater as a part of my graduation, as we were at his graduation in New Mexico. But he died leaving everybody to live in mystery, in sorrow and with all our expectations for him that never be fulfilled. *** |
