- enslavement to fat -
I'm writing this page in hopes of finding the
right feeder for
me. Of if I can't find that, at least I'll be giving people
something to read.
I'll talk about what I'm looking for and some of my desires and maybe
they'll
mesh with someone out there. It's going to ramble pretty badly,
kinda stream-of-consciousness, sorry about that. First off, in
case you missed it in
my profile, I'm transgendered.. that's male-to-female
transsexual.
I'm average-looking, 5'11", currently a plumpish 220 lbs. I'm a
switch,
but in terms of feederism I'm very submissive. And I'm definately
into the hardcore, darker side of feeding, which is certainly not for
everyone
but
it works for me and I'm not ashamed of it.. if you don't like that sort
of thing, don't bother to
read further. Some of the stuff I like is really twisted,
involving force and degradation, and is not
for the
easily-offended. Sorry, there's no photos on this site, just
words.
I am a reluctant feedee. I'm utterly
fascinated by the idea of gaining weight and everything that goes with
it, but I'm not fat and I'm not a self-feeder, or a gainer. I
need to have someone who wants to make it happen to me, to change me by
their own hand, remake me in the image of a supersize woman. I
dream of being forced to submit to gaining weight. I think every
day what it would be like to be anywhere from 350 to 500 pounds.
I've always
had a love-hate relationship with fat. I
think it's
sexy and I love to look at fat women (I get so envious of them), and I
love the whole concept of intentional gaining, gluttony, and
overeating.
It's one of the most exciting things I can think
of. The briefest thought about becoming fat is enough to excite
me. And the idea that I couldn't go back or ever lose the
weight is enough to make me light-headed. Whereas a sex slave
demonstrates her submission by offering her body
for pleasure, a fatslave shows her submission by eating and getting
fatter. I want to become a fatslave--someone who is both a slave
to her feeder's whims and a slave to her own appetite and growing,
fatty body.
I imagine being that fat would be the ultimate in
sensual
pleasure, being constantly surrounded by
so much heavy, squishy softness that moves with a mind of its
own. Every step causing a sensation of jiggly stimulation, every
motion evoking the pleasure of pillowy flesh rubbing against pillowy
flesh. Becoming so very soft and squishy all over. Constant
softness, constant heaviness. The total
freedom of guiltless indulgence in food. The freedom that comes
from completely letting myself go and ceasing to worry about weight,
dieting, or appearance. It's also, to me,
kind of
inescapable bondage, a constant encumbrance that would dictate how I
move and live. I also like the idea of the helplessness of food
addiction, how I could lose control and essentially be dominated by
food, ruled by my stomach. The
very act of gaining for someone else is submission in itself, allowing
someone to change my entire body, remake my body and alter my
lifestyle to suit them, for their own
pleasure. And getting fed wouldn't be just a psychological
submission; every
pound I gain is a physical sign of my submission, and more weight
equals a better slave. Almost as if the gained fat doesn't even
belong to me, but rather to the feeder who caused it to be there, and I
would have the burden and privelege of carrying it around inside me for
them. Not
a single day goes by that I don't think about it. It's
like I'm a fat woman trapped in a skinny body.. the skinny half is
scared to disappear, but the fat one wants out so bad. Or perhaps
it's more like a skinny woman who wants to be trapped in a fat woman's
body, her fat flesh surrounding me, taking over, until it becomes
my new identity. Either way, the result is the same. I want
to be left with no option but to completely let myself go.
It's not just the physical transformation and
gaining that draws me. For whatever reason, I want to experience
the life of a supersized person, one who was that way naturally.
I know it's not all good or easy. Some of it is very, very
hard. Being huge can be very
difficult and not without substantial risks. Even the possibility
of not
liking being obese or finding it all to be
more than I bargained for but no longer able to effectively diet to
lose the weight is part of it.. many huge people are dissatisfied with
their size and yet aren't able to lose weight. I would simply be
dealing with the same thing (except that I got to that point
intentionally). I want to experience everything.
Everything. Along with the sensual pleasures of being that large,
I want to know the helplessness of food addiction and habitual
overeating, deal with the challenges of having such a large and heavy
body, cope with the issues that supersize women must face as they age,
and face the health risks just like every other supersized
person. Even the
little things, like trying to find decent clothes that fit (and having
to pay more for them). I
dream of not just becoming fat, but also of growing old and
living life, with all its ups and downs, as the very fat
woman I had become.
Part of the excitement comes from becoming
increasingly limited in many ways: growing more limited in
opportunities, limited in freedom of movement, limited in choice of
activities, limited socially. It's strange to think of such
limitations as a desirable thing, but I suppose that from a submissive
point of view, it's like a kind of bondage as well as sacrifice.
Gaining weight for someone would be like having them close and lock
doors of opportunity, reducing the number of options or alternate
choices one by one, until the only way forward was restricted to only
what my weight and lifestyle would allow. In most situations,
having doors of opportunity shut would be a negative, but in this
situation the concept is delightful. It is a little scary to know
my world will effectively become smaller and smaller, but it's also
comforting. I want to know going into it that I'll be unable to
avoid the limitations that will come with my obese condition.
At the same
time, most of me
is frightened by the idea of gaining weight, especially lots of
it.
It's such a permanent change. You can't wake up one day and say,
'Well, that's enough of being fat, I think I'll be skinny again.'
A few pounds are easy to lose, but
the more gained I gained the harder it would be to return to my old
size, eventually almost impossible. Fat is forever. And
there's the embarrassment
of everyone I know seeing me become fat. And there's health
concerns. And there are fears that
once I put on a lot of weight and the feeder left, being fat would make
it even harder to find a good relationship and that I might have to
remain fat
and alone forever. It's like there's two paths my life could
take: one
where I get fat, and one where I don't. Doing one would deny the
possibilities and pleasures that come with the other. Which am I
supposed to be? How can I
be sure which path would make me happier? Would I regret
it? Though the fantasy of getting fat is undeniably incredibly
exciting, does that necessarily mean it's the right path to take?
Yet in spite of these worries, this secret desire
remains strong and it gets so very hard to
ignore.
I try to put it out of my mind sometimes, but eventually the desire
returns as strongly as
ever. Sometimes I deny it by working out to lose weight, and I
think I have it licked. Then I start fantasizing about gaining
again and I stop watching my diet and I end up back where I
started. It's very confusing. Perhaps that's why I need
someone else to make the decision for me. To overcome my
reluctance,
I'd need someone to convince me that my destiny is to become a
very
fat woman, that there's no other possibility for me. I want
someone to patiently convince me
that
I need to become fat, even if part of me is scared of it.
It's
ultimately
for my own good by letting me experience the supersize life. I
want to learn to accept that getting fat is not an option, but is
simply the way it's going to be.
Getting me to submit to becoming fat may be the only
way for me to
be the real me,
even if I don't want to fully admit it to myself since it
means giving up forever all possibility
of being slender and conventionally attractive. I want to know
that once it happens I can
never go back. I do love so much the thought of becoming
completely resigned to my fate and no longer offering any resistance
whatsoever. One of the
sexiest phrases to me is 'letting oneself go'.. and the term 'morbid
obesity'.. I'm intimidated by the term
yet
I also want it to define who I am. I dream of fat taking over
my body and my life, for my world to revolve around my stomach, my own
fat controlling how I live, demanding that I adjust my lifestyle to
accomodate it.
Part of me is
terrified that if the right person reads this and we become involved,
I might find myself in a situation I can't get out of. But
that
is
exactly what I would want.
I've organized the rest into these various
sections, because it was just far too large and ungainly to fit on one
page:
Here I'll talk more about what I'm looking for and what I hope to
achieve from my fattening.
Here's some hopes and thoughts about how my fattened body might turn out.
A page about the pros and cons of feeding real
life versus online.
This section talks about using fat as a method of humiliation, and humiliation as a tool for
getting me even fatter.
Here I go into deeper consideration of fears and concerns I have about getting fatter, and
their pros and cons.
This page is a sort of random list of various fantasies and preferences in regards to
feeding.
And lastly, this page has a sort of potential/fantasy, contract I've been working on.
I'm not sure how to wrap this up other than to
reiterate that I feel
the only way to be myself is to submerge myself under layers of fat and
I can't do it alone. I need someone who has an idea of how I
ought to look and live for life and won't stop until I am that way for
real, to do
what has to be
done
to make me morbidly obese and content, and make me fall in
love with all of my
squishy,
jiggly fat and everything that comes with it. Someone who would
tie me to a
chair
and spoon food into my fat cheeks day after day until I loved it.
Someone to change me into their vision of a perfectly hungry sow of a
woman.
Someone to make me love food and having a stuffed tummy more
than
anything
else, to make eating and rubbing my big soft belly my greatest
pleasure. Someone to make sure I become a fatslave and remain one
forever. Someone who needs to
load hundreds of pounds onto my
body
and make sure I'll always remain a slave to fat. Someone to make
sure that whatever else I do in my life, I will have to do it all
as a very fat
woman. I don't know if
I'll ever even go through with any of this, but it's all here for
people to see. Perhaps it has inspired or amused some people, or
at least provided some food for thought.
My email is [email protected] (remove the nospam
part) and my
yahoo
messenger is fattenmebyforce. I'm not on the yahoo
messenger too frequently, so it might be better to email me if you want
to
talk. AOL sometimes blocks mails from Yahoo addresses, so it may
be best to just mail to fattenmebyforce on yahoo.