Brand new America.

Everyone shout "Huzzah!" as the USA saves the day yet again.

No public inquiry into the accusations of rape, tortuous initiation rituals and suspicious suicide deaths.

Yet another horrible rumour has added to speculation about incidents at Deepcut in Surry a place marred by accusations that it is some kind of camp or "barracks" which equips people with the necessary know-how to be an effective state-employed killer or "soldier". One wonders where they learn such inhumane behaviour whilst serving Queen and country by practising how to slaughter the enemy. 170 allegations of physical or sexual abuse, 4 suicides under suspicious circumstances, and still no official inquiry.

Top Reasons to Give.

1. Collection tin was in my face

2. Media induced guilt.

3. To increase my self esteem

4. To make up for farting during 3 minute silence

5. To distract attention from the ongoing humanitarian disasters in Iraq and the Sudan.

Fine wine review: Md 20/20, Buckfast, White lightning, Lambrini? Choose your brand.

I'm a drug pusher, openly trading in front of the police. They didn't care and were powerless to do anything about it if they did.  I don't just sell to anyone, mind, over 16's, over 18's, I'm a responsible supplier of your favourite poison... I know it's deadly, but it's their choice. Don't you just hate scum like me.

Drug dealers have families and bills to pay too and we all know it's the Mr Big characters in the background who are the real earners. Besides, don't we all have free will as to what we put into our bodies... heroin, cocaine, it's up to you. I'm just your local friendly shop assistant on minimum wage, I'm not paid enough to care. Now how may I help you...some booze, fags or perhaps some fatty treats for your kids?

Electronic data recorders- why not?

Why the police don't want to be watched whilst at work and why the government is doing nothing to make them accountable.

Racist incident mars visit to Spain.

We thought we'd enjoy our holiday; not only catch a game of football, but see a few sites too, but after a nasty occurrence on the second day, we've been unable to relax on our trip. Distinct monkey noises were heard from the terracing at the end of the western enclosure...apparently directed at the visitors. Banana skins were also thrown in their direction. "These animals should be kept behind bars." commented one Brit. "That's the last time I visit that "parque zoológico"."

Geographical division of U.S.A. 85% identical to that of the civil war- apart from this time the confederacy wins.

Sharon's new years resolutions- Stop Ozzie swearing, stop the dogs soiling the furniture

Sharon's new years resolutions- Stop the troubles in Palestine, stop being so Zionistic, loose the belly.

UN resolutions are just like new years' resolutions...apart from more people don't take their UN resolutions as seriously.

Girls Aloud a powerful counter subversive force

A reflection of the bourgeois dream of harmony; any kind of music is an attribute of authority; its tool and its bond with people, whatever it may be. Some critics have said their latest miesterwerk is a dissident channel of counter-imperialism avante garde, a piece of conceptual art even. An excessive and relentless ideology of media and pop culture, an archetypal interrogation of the "free" sphere of western culture. Their latest cover version a marvellous creation of utopian space from past distopias. Simultaneously repressive and corporate, Girls Aloud's latest Album hardly re-determine the coordinates of their paradoxical and increasingly alienating environment. Escapist popular music actively encouraged by the system and as a result totally compromised, deformed by the status quo and its compromises. Be the epiphany of anti-cool, and purchase this homogenisation by the dissident regime, thinly disguised in cynical pop surrealism. Adopted by "the system" and marketed as hyper social realism, no wonder its contemporaries seem anaemic is comparison. In short- at least it's better than that god-awful charity single.

6/10

By our guest writer who won't be featuring in Kerrang or MNE.

Sharon faces crucial vote.

An election in Israel could have an effect on the peace process, with global implications on terrorism, counter terrorism, economic policy, social reform and even your own personal liberties, yet the only reason you even read the article was because you thought it was something to do with Pop Idol.

Cripple throws away crutches after touching saintly Princess.

Cripple requests return of crutches after visiting her slippery memorial.

Let us not forget saintly adulterer who gave a lot of her time and our money to charity.

News just in...

Gadget shop closes in Amish community.

Heartstrings are skilfully tugged and situations made into melodramas: Woman tragically lost. Followed by the requisite ray of hope: Child miraculously saved!. Familiar western faces in the news from an unfamiliar location. The newsreader didn't bat an eyelid when a woman was shown complaining about not getting sufficient help from local government finding her dead relatives- "I am a British citizen after all". Doesn't that mean anything? Such is our biased prioritisation in the news, it seems absurd that she didn't get the special treatment she was(n't) due before any of the locals. Why should westerners get priority mortuary places granted by the Thai government, in front of their own people, and why should we expect it?

Is it worse having a loved one killed by a terrorist than die in a natural disaster? The masses seem to make a distinction, but is there such a thing as a better death? A compensation of, on average $2,082,128, if you lost a loved one in the twin towns, a total payout of $14.6 billion to the families of people who were mostly well paid, well insured, middle/upper class white Americans. $400 each for the Tsunami victims.

With a manipulation of emotions, we are obliged to have a 3 minute silence (for all the good it would do, nobody seems to know who decided it would be a great idea).  Bangladeshi cyclone killed a similar number of people less than a decade ago? Remember that anyone? Who cried when a million were killed in Rwanda?

The biggest and badest; America is an easy target. Bush and Kerry spent $400,000,000 to buy the necessary publicity to win the election.$150,000,000 of which was from the public purse! It's defence budget if not spent on nuclear weapons and suchlike, could be used to eradicate global starvation, but to pick on the USA is missing the point. The news claimed that "us" Britons showed amazing generosity with £100 million pound donation- put another way, that's an impressive £1.67 each! I'm certainly not complaining about people donating to charity, but why do people have to die en mass in spectacular fashion before anyone reaches into their pockets? The means justifies the ends. Put up with the shameless Hollywood self publicity, the sick media dramatisation if it increases charity donations. It's sick and voyeuristic. The futile silence, the ribbon, the armband, Diana syndrome. Overcompensation for something missing within ourselves. What's worse; to die horribly, or to live horribly?

The reaction to an unpreventable natural disaster is understandable, but is the continuing crisis in Darfur unpreventable? The Red Cross estimated in December that a thousand people per day are dying there. Apparently this is a political situation so the UN can't involve itself (although it doesn't seem to stop certain countries when it's in their interest). If all the starving people in the world all died each year en mass in the one place, publicly...

So I ask you, how much did you give?

Don't they know it's Christmas (CD promo) time?

Cravis and Drollplay may have a genuinely heartfelt desire to help charity, but nobody involved was heard to say "Don't buy the record- give to charity instead". Does buying the record have any importance whatsoever compared to giving a like amount to charity? Show you'd like to help by making us number 1? It's not the suggestion that the sort of promotion of charity records by pop stars provides the kind of publicity opportunity that money just can't buy. On the contrary, this provides exactly the kind of publicity that money can and does buy.

Remote culpability for the starving masses. Rich pop stars are above everyone when it comes to murder through inaction. No more guilty than any of the rest of us, but far more visible. Wondering if you're going to have to release a "Best of" album to pay for that 2rd Ferrari and the mansion you liked in San Marino. It's not like mortgage worries or regular 2nd car vulgarity.

300,000 people globally each year die of tetanus, whooping cough, measles, influences treatable. You drive about in your sports car and bug eye specs telling everyone else how they should be donating to stop preventable diseases kill a few hundred thousand African children, but who gives a damn, they can have more. For the sake of a 43p vaccination. Countries don't kill people...greed kills people. Corporations kill people. Idealism kills people. Bling is a deadly disease, death by deprivation; economics of finite resources: someone goes without, thanks to your vulgar over consumption. Personal responsibility...we don't take any. It's not a question of making mistakes...it's a question of integrity in the face of blinding hypocrisy from all of us.

 

One week; two stories; alternative perspectives. Children take illegal drugs legally...again the news tries to sensationalise; chill pills prescribed to kids aren't class "A"nything if you've got a prescription. The "B" classification applies to the applicable prison sentences for drug dealers and drug abusers...not eleven year olds who got them from a doctor. Dia-morphine supply limited by Chiron. Very important drug powerful painkiller for cancer suffers, auto accident victims and opiate dependants. A very different spin put on the report with no mention of it's class A status and its chemical twin heroin. News: Police have caught 30 heroin dealers which is predicted to cut off supply to many parts of Scotland. Junkies unable to get their fix quickly loose their tolerance to the drug and without proper advice/supervision or substituion, when supply is resumed, they are liable to fatally overdose. However, the government's education program, the "Ask Frank" campaign; is woefully inadequate; a baby step in the right direction, but nothing more will be done for worry of disturbing right wing sensibilities held by Tory ministers and voters (especially as regards methadone clinics and needle dispensing schemes which have been proven to save lives and reduce crime). The continuing public fear of minority drug problems whilst the encouragement of socially acceptable (yet equally devastating) habits is set to continue.

What is it to be Scottish anyway?

Why are you wearing a kilt? Nobody as far south as the central belt ever wore a kilt, nobody in lowland Scotland
ever spoke Gaelic either. It's just helping foreigners, including the English, stereotype Scots with a myth, an inaccuracy, an outdated image perpetuated to such an extent that even Scots themselves feel a false sense of "tradition" at weddings, funerals, graduations and scout meetings. This age old tradition of highland dress that's being going on in Glasgow and the capital for as long as anyone can remember....that's about 10 whole years.

Robert Burns never wore a kilt in his life, and neither do I. Now could somebody please pass me my can of Tenants Super - I need something to wash the haggis, chips and fried mars bar down. Selling out to the Scottish tourist board with faux patriotic behaviour; it's not my national "character" to take pride in bullshit presumptions. A novelty shop with novelty food and novelty fashion- we expect to be taken seriously in Europe? We've got a national anthem that dates way back to ancient times...that being the 1960's. Inspiration by faux historical "Braveheart" (filmed on location-in Ireland), with a reality more reminiscent of Trainspotting. How can it be called introverted or backwards looking when Scottish shops are run by Pakistanis in Glasgow and Bangladeshis in Edinburgh, as is the tradition for the more enterprising members of the community. "Thompson" tartan being pedalled, with the more popular English spelling of the name on the label- realise that you're in a gift shop and a country which has turned into shortbread peddling whiskey land.

We're multicultural now, a Chinese man plays the bagpipes on the Royal mile (incidentally, that's "Lee" tartan he's wearing). National identity is essentially be used for political ends to separate and subjugate, when used as a unifying asset it is certainly a good thing, but at what horrifyingly kitsch cost? Sir Walter Scot's doing apparently. 3 million pounds from the Scottish Executive (i.e. the taxpayer) for a Gaelic school. Disadvantage your child by making English their second language instead of their first. Is the curriculum to be translated into Gaelic? English and French lessons taught in Gaelic. Turn to page 15 of your Gaelic/German dictionary to discover how unfeasible this is. One wonders what would happen if the Scottish Executive paid 3 million pounds for an exclusively Urdu speaking state school. There are more people speaking Urdu than the oft' quoted 65,000 Gaelic speaking grannies.

Get in touch with history...if you're from the lowlands of Glasgow or Edinburgh, it's not even your history. How would Manchurians react to that sort of money being spent on a school that teaches Cornish? Why don't we have more colourful Gaelic phrases used in our everyday speak to give it a certain je ne sai qua? When the Gaelic for "room" is "room" it becomes all too apparent. As any foreigner venturing north will testify: maybe the Scots should prioritise and concentrate on learning how to speak our first official language properly first.

Glaswegian Beatles. "Ah wanny hod yer hawn."

If it's not tartan it's a skirt, not a kilt. Just as French bread "pizza" isn't a pizza, but a toasted cheese baguette.

Hats off to Tony! 

Government very generously donates public's money.

 (3.2Bn to war in Iraq....200 million to S.E.Asia..)

South East Asia's sentiments to Boscastle and Liverpool:

"For f*cks sake get over yourselves & get a sense of perspective".

People in the Sudan wish it was a nice westernised tourist resort.

Beckhams christening too late to save souls from eternal torment as the event examined in minute detail in the papers.

Mortal quits job as lackey to the Devil then takes up new role as an IT consultant working on a project commissioned by Beelzebub.

Spaniard surprised to be called "Paki" by racist Scottish girl with orange skin and very little brain.

"che?"

Good will to all men - except paedophiles.

Unnecessary qualifier spoils perfectly adequate seasonal greetings card.

Whisky advert informs public that individuals with character drink this brand (and not just the kind of people easily influenced by adverts)

A sheep may have been more appropriate.

Capture the amateur spirit of the Olympics- sign a 5 million pound deal to pedal sugary treats to children.

J-Lo's new perfume : "Glow"

Not the first fragrance she's released as Ben and Puff Daddy report less popular "egg" and "spicy bean" aromas.

Cruel and unusual punishment - not very unusual.

Blunket claims "I didn't see any ring"

Isn't it strange how a cashier would be sacked on the spot for stealing a fiver, yet a person in a position of responsibility is permitted indiscretions that someone of supposed "higher" judgement just shouldn't be making?

Clueless b*stard of the week.

"Go one better than the power shower...turn your bathroom into a wet room, for as little as two thousand pounds."

"Don't touch my Briel" - says woman with tight shirt to Blunkett on cold day.

Sign Guestbook

View Guestbook

Smokers campaign for their right to do something that 70% of them don't really want to do anyway.

Labrador replaced by greyhound as Blunket "fast tracked" out of back door:

First gadget shop opens in Amish community.

Mental asylum: warning: may contain nuts.

Mixed nut selection contains prudent warning "may contain nuts".

Proudly display your affiliation to a secret society with an official Masonic tartan.

Not very secretive is it?