Charlie gets it right? Surely not?
Full story ---->
Prince was caught by his mother strolling
through the corridors of Windsor palace humming to "I just can't wait to be
king". "Hakuna mattata Mother. Does one fancy a trip to the zoo? I hear they've got a
new hyena exhibit open"
Too many chiefs, not enough Indians?
|
Concord, again.
Almost news as the concord is
almost finished and almost on display to the public:
The story of the famous plane being displayed in a museum:
-
when it was disassembled for transport.
-
when it set off.
-
when it arrived.
-
when the wings were attached.
-
when it was almost completed.
Another slow news day
was in effect. Expect news of when it goes on display next week.
Circumnavigating female sailor
does it single handedly ('cos she ain't much of a looker) again.
Expect similar degree of coverage when...
Sheridan: true to the cause,
almost.
Tommy Sheridan leader of the Scottish socialist party
resigned last week, one of the few principled politicians left. However his
contribution to the cause was scuppered by a combination of naivety and a
prejudice against his working class accent. He nobly took a self imposed wage
cap, and could relate brilliantly to everyone apart from the people he needed to
persuade the most: the middle class.
Preaching socialism to the unemployed
doesn't do wonders for either improving social justice, or changing public
opinion. The situation has become polarised into the "huvs
and the huvneys". An actual quote that demonstrates the feelings of at least a
portion of a certain demographic: "ma mammy said ah didn't huv tae pai cooncil tax, cuz Tommy Sheridan told hur". Rightly or wrongly, this made many hard working tax payers feel that a section
of society wasn't pulling its weight; thus they were even less likely to
support a socialist agenda. Only a strong economic downturn would allow this
approach to attract anyone other than fringe voters. Perhaps this will change
with Sheridan gone, but it's doubtful. It's ironic that the vast majority of socialist movements have
been started by well-to-do people from the middle class such as the much revered,
silver spoon fed, "Che", but put into the social context, it's the only way
that change could be brought about.
An East German socialist once declared that I
should buy him a drink for "the cause". However like overly supportive parents,
socialism is good for creating a safe and just environment, but a free
luncheon voucher for those who miss the point, or insist on taking the piss.
Free love for the randy MP who didn't want to 'fess up to his wife came at quite
a price. If
you want to make a change; try preaching socialist philosophy to those who it doesn't benefit individually.
I'm not holding my breath on getting a beer back in return, but stranger things
have happened.
Science bit; concentrate.
Staring at the sun causes retina damage.
Staring at The Sun causes cerebral damage.
Obituary.
Pioneering plastic surgeon dies aged 87. "Thanks for the mammaries"
Retentive corner: A-expulsive.
You can say anally retentive, or anal-retentive. However you if you were to say
anal retentive without the hyphen, you'd be grammatically incorrect.
TLA:- RIP.
In use by the smug for over a decade, it emerged yesterday that TLA, or "three
letter acronym", isn't actually a TLA. The technicality exists that an acronym is an
initialisation which is has to be pronounceable; such as SCUBA, LASER or NASA. TLA is simply an initialisation, a
"Three Letter Initialisation" or TLI ; a technique of abbreviation first invented by lazy
headstone engravers.
Scientific tests with blind monkeys help prove the "Monkey see, monkey do"
theorem, but refute the "Monkeys always look" hypothesis.
Murder suspect: not a very
nice guy Shock horror: horribly murdered murder
victim smoked cannabis and so did her boyfriend; the main suspect of the
investigation.
Both killer
and victim were using illicit drugs; that's right- drugs that aren't legal. The
law abiding jury's decision not influenced by any mention of tobacco smoking,
alcohol drinking prescription drug
popping. The next day, the local news reported on how he cheated on
girlfriend...that decides it; he must be a murderer. The mention of the defendant being found to carry a knife, and the co-defendant
changing his appearance unexplainably after the crime seems far more relevant,
than the current character assassinations elements that are being focused on by
the media. He was found with his dead girlfriend's DNA on him: It would be more
unusual if it wasn't there. A witness who saw a picture of the accused in the
paper before he/she recognised him? Is that "believable testimony"?
The accused calling the talking clock to try and form an alibi, and the mother
having a little bonfire of evidence suggest he probably did it. Give me some forensics, some eyewitness reports; no matter what my personal
feeling on the innocence or otherwise of the suspects; a fair trail and fair
media coverage must be given to all. An emotive, media influenced trial is no
excuse for a lack of proof and is no way to serve justice.
not not proven?
New Labour renamed "Nu-Labour" to appeal to the youth vote.
Monday C4. 23:00: Controversy ahoy.
I Won't Marry White?
Another channel 4 program addressing the difficulties of cultural integration;
this time in the Asian community. However, the main crux of the issue was "If my
mum and dad cared that I married a white....would I act to please them?" (Heck no!
)
A combination of generalisations and specific examples, none of which tackled
the crux of the matter affecting mixed race couples- addressing the prejudices
of both sets of parents. Why is such an un-PC opinion tolerated by some minorities,
but not in the majority? Would a program with the equal and opposite title even
be broadcast? Any generalisations made were unhelpful, adding to or trying to
excuse or compensate for pre-existing stereotypes of both Asians and whites. The
whole program was a non event, with the conclusions made utterly transparent.
People are different, some are better suited to each other than others,
sometimes they're the same race, sometimes not. Really?? Would an
oppositely titled program be appropriate? Are any racially imposed limitations
acceptable in this day and age?
The only controversial,
challenging thing in the whole program was the stupidly inappropriate title...as
is unfortunately becoming the trend on the forth channel.
World's 2nd oldest man experiences mixed emotions upon hearing about world's
oldest man's pneumonia.
Re-invention of the language.
man 1. wit?
man 2. what??
man 1. wit did you say?
man 2. what??
man 1. WIT did you say?
man 2. ah....wit! Well.... "wit" I was saying was...it's rather loud in here. |
HRH broadcast bigs up the UK massif.
23rd November. A party political broadcast masquerading under the title "The
Queens speech broadcast" told Britain-to be proud. We've got less unemployment
than Germany, higher GDP than Italy, lower crime rates than the USA; a
thriving vibrant hub of life; the place to be. Britain isn't just fish
'n' chips and Barbara Windsor's tits, it's so much more than that. We've got a
natural right to think we're better than everyone else; smarter than the
yanks, more cultured than the Ozzies, a secure little island, which isn't, God forbid, France.
Strategically placed black kids for added emphasis of the friendly, integrated
Nu-Britain.
I'm primarily proud of my own achievements & those of people I know
personally. Being proud of conceptual groups like "nationality" "race" and
"religion", just leads to biases which I feel are counterproductive. It makes
it difficult to examine a situation rationally and come to an informed
decision when you've got a vested interest. An effective tool to create
loyalty, and an "us and them" mentality, as used so effectively in the abroad.
Why should I take pride in the achievements of the British more so than those
of anyone else?
Why would the government dedicate a broadcast to instil this sense of identity
on the viewers? They want us to feel patriotic, and want to do everything to
protect our nation; including not vote for the wrong party. It's a very
American tactic; patriotic voting.
Is it any co-incidence that they announce plans to introduce a series of bills
which infringe on civil liberties at the exact same time? From big brother
Blair's ID cards, to the home secretaries ability to hold (foreign*) citizens with no
charge. This nation needs to wake up and smell the ever-so-British cup of tea.
*If it's for "our own security and benefit" that foreigners can be held
without charge....so why not nationals?
Aren't you glad you signed
up to that onlinejobs.com?
Job search
results: Graduate, IT / Engineering.
Dear Mr
<insert first name here>
-----------------------------------
Job 1: Abu
Dhabi. Sell your soul to the devil working to help pump Arabian black gold.
Risk getting shot at for big buck$, tax free.
Job 2: (as we
see you have graduated in 2001, we are happy to offer you this job that is
exactly as you want it; great pay, benefits, nice location) 10 years industry
experience required.
Job 3: It is
essential that you have excellent A-level grades and a 2:1 minimum form an
oxbridge university. (The high qualifications the job required are not
reflected in the advertisement- so you convince yourself that job was rubbish and
you didn't want it anyway)
<list
continues with a list of amazing opportunities; 2/3 month contracts; jobs for
college leavers with wages to match, jobs in London where the pay wouldn't
cover the rent of a cardboard box. Jobs asking for PhDs (since every Tom, Dick
and Harry has a degree now)>
---------------
2nd email in the inbox read:
Want to give yourself an unfair advantage of getting this and other great
jobs?
Now you can
improve YOUR chances of getting a new job. From full career management to
upgrading & re-writing your CV/Resume (only £5.95/$8) Go to www.improveyourcv.com
to see how we can help you.
|
|
Fascinating croc catching documentary
ends 1 hour later with disappointing lack of crocodiles.
A
documentary
shown recently on C4 featured
reptile experts and zoologists who went to Lake Tanganyika. Why? In the
last couple of years over 200 locals had disappeared from in and around the water
where a massive crocodile lived (a fact that couldn't be dismissed as coincidental). The
documentary covered the experts along with the locals and their attempt to
capture and re-home the giant man eating croc (which also had a sweet tooth for
women, children and household pets). A boat trip on one of the rivers running
into the lake was filmed and tantalising footage of the monster was taken with
a telescopic lens. The experts calculated it to be 6 meters long; some serious
firepower would be required to take it out, but they weren't going to kill it.
Oh no. They were going to capture the beast!
The
tension mounted steadily during the program as an enclosure was built, along with
a huge metal cage, carried it
several miles to a good spot in the river, baited it with a goat and
waited. Night vision cameras were set up giving atmospheric footage of the
terrified goat. They waited...and waited. The viewers waited and waited. The
experts ran out of time and money; caught the next plane home. On reflection
program lasted an hour during which nothing actually happened. No clue or
explanation of what happened as the
entourage apparently left the grateful villagers as they found them, along
with the man-eating croc.
|
Historical headlines: Warning: summer is hot.
30th July
2004: The early evening New's number two story was "midsummer weather is hot".
The four minute segment gave a prediction of expected (27C) temperatures and
such useful tips as "open a window" and "have something to drink". The
reporter was standing on the beach, in the sun, to give visual impetus to the
story. Journalism is a serious business, but we do love to be beside the
seaside. A warning was given to those with illnesses affected by the heat;
that you may feel ill, because of the heat. Just in case you didn't know: be
wary- the sun is hot.
Next a four
minute segment on how the roads might be busy during a sunny bank holiday weekend and how caravans should probably travel in the slow
lane. Again a reporter was on the scene to deliver some interviews with people affected by slow caravans, and a
reporter standing in front of a road, in case you didn't know what
one looked like.
National
and international news? The half hour time slot contained: a minute of
introduction, a minute of round up, three minute advertisement break, 3 minute
look at tomorrow's headlines in the "newspapers" then a minute for the short "and finally" story.
At the end of the timeslot; a two minute weather report (ironically
sponsored by a carbon emitting power generation company). Take away the time
for the additional "summer is hot" and "roads are busy" items, and you've less
than quarter of an hour dedicated to the actual news stories for an entire
planet.
Confessions of a food snob
Last night local twenty-something cooked himself dinner. Some gnocchi di patate (the potato and durum wheat flour
dumplings, the type made without
egg) boiled for 4 minutes until they started to rise and fall in the
simmering water.
Next the now fluffy dumplings were fried in a mixture of olive oil and vinegar
(Italian, naturally enough) whilst preparing the sauce. The piquant bolognaise
has a tomato base, livened with a tuna, itself spiced with garlic and peppers,
drained of oil and added to the salsa. (Rio Mare "pepperocino e aglio" unfortunately not available in the UK; pre-packed with the seasoning; it's not
only convenient, but the flavours
infuse delightfully within the can), Once the gnocchi are golden brown, add
them to the sauce and enjoy. One packet serves two, or one rather greedy
twenty something, whose father commented on the developing jowls only
yesterday.
He laughs at those who subsist on burger and chips, considering "they raisin
hings" a delicacy; then takes equal distain at those who buy chestnut
roasters and organic shimeji mushrooms. He pursed his lips, blew a raspberry
and tossed the Sunday magazine onto a chair. It's all trivial; testament to
the society we live in that people get caught up on the minutiae of what to
wear, what to eat, which vase to buy, where to be seen. Guilty as charged; the
human is a most sociable of beasts, but he couldn't help thinking... wouldn't
it be nice to be above all that?
Democratic decision an affront to democracy.
This can be said to be true with an uninformed, ill-educated electorate.
However, an emotive argument requires logical examination, and it appears the
pro-hunt lobby can't see the woods for the trees. By claiming "an attack on
cultural diversity" is a shame faced attempt to encourage support by
suggesting oppression, and it doesn't wash. "your minority group could be
next!!". It's just a class prejudice that townies have against country folk?
Huntingisawayoflife? Are you tribes people who subsist on fox meat? And my
traditional urban boyhood pursuit of cat hunting is banned because it's not
traditional and doesn't employ anyone? The point isn't that "we the voters"
don't know about hunting being a way of life, a tradition, a sport, acceptable
interest to a group of people, and a livelihood to many. "Hundreds and
thousands" said one local, although one suspects he's a baker.
It's irrelevant when the overriding issue is
one of cruelty. Chasing a artificial scent trail would keep the hounds in
business, but not satisfy any blood lust. Christians make do with wine and
wafers, why don't they make do with an aniseed rag? I'm quite sure that a
cruelty free hunt could even be marketed as an appealing day out for town
folk. Showing civilised pictures
of horse and hound may be the "business end" of the hunt for the farmer or the
Ferrier, but the "ends" of the whole business is something they'd rather you
didn't see, talk about or pay any mind to whatsoever.
When slavery was being abolished there were similar
economic arguments from the boat owners, slave drivers, slave traders and
cotton growers. Hopefully looking back, the "oppressed minority" who
think that chasing down and ripping apart wildlife with dogs is justifiable,
will realise that barbarity towards animals is another relic that should be
consigned to history. Respecting democracy is about recognising and accepting
the public will as law.
Mr John Holiday denies having the free will to act sensibly "we're being
made extremists". Which almost sounded like a threat to try to intimidate
government and public opinion "or else". Very apt in today's socio-political
climate. The group interviewed in the pub made it very clear "my friends
might..." an attempt to distance themselves. An attempt to intimidate the
government with a threat of disruption; and the general public; costing the
taxpayer money, because they didn't get their way. Threats of civil
disobedience rather than actual terrorism may seem like tantrum toddler
behaviour, however it demonstrates the same self righteous presumption that,
in their special case, "alternative" or "direct" action is an acceptable course. This is
equally true of "minority" groups at both extremes of the animal welfare
argument, and is becoming more and more the done thing.
It's tantamount to piracy; demanding action or else, and particularly
distasteful when public servants hold the country to ransom. Civil
disobedience isn't just what Americans would call "unpatriotic". That, of course
is a whole other argument, and whatever your personal feelings on any issue,
it seems the general rule is: any group having to resort to "alternative"
action is almost guaranteed to be on the loosing side.
The best solution to the problem: if these
foxes are such a problem to farmers; humanely cull every single last one of
them, so that these bastards can't get their sick thrills.
|
|
Say no to Bullying, really?
22nd Nov. Radio 1
DJ Chris Moyles puts his full weight behind the latest "Say No to bullying"
campaign. On the same day he spent most of of breakfast show mocking Janet
Street-Porter for her buck teeth and accent. Perfectly
appropriate, and definitely not an example of the kind of thing a bully
would do.
No matter whether you think she deserves criticism
or not, picking on someone for their intrinsic being, rather than something
they've said or done, is not constructive behaviour. You say she deserves it...isn't it
possible for any bully to justify themselves with that?
perhaps those who get bullying deserve it?
Does that make it ok?
Man buys jazz mag
because he was too embarrassed to buy lad mag "they're so tacky, I really didn't
want to shame myself by purchasing one... you won't find me sitting about with
my "Nuts" out.
Singer
"blessed" by cancer.
Possibly fatal disease
invaluable at demonstrating value of life.
Fortunate? If only we all could be so lucky. (Then again, we've got the cursed
"ageing" condition which kills all it's sufferers.)
Crime: now
illegal.
Shock government
announcement stuns burglars, rapists & murders.
Mohammed Ali: great at
boxing. Shit at "Buckaroo".
Erickson's scoring record
better than 2nd striker Michael Owen.
Contrary opinions...
Don't reduce the
number of Scottish regiments or the number of soldiers...but whatever you do;
don't send them into a war - it could be dangerous.
Seller misses
point of auction with "buy one get one free" offer.
Porn watching
youth, discovers something to his & his parents' horror even more
disgusting on the channel he just switched to.
Children banned
from doing potentially stupid things which only responsible adults are allowed
to decide aren't stupid things to do.
What does "ay
carumba" mean anyway? exclaims child.
Pizza: invented before the discovery of
America, yet 20% of Americans think that they invented it. Even more think
they invented the motorcar, but a certain Mr Benz would have something to
say about that.
Does nobody notice?
Animated chef with faux-French accent sells German branded cooking sauce.
This doesn't
taste like tomato soup...
German cannibals: bringing
fresh meaning to eating Heinz.
Am I rambling or do you just have a short attention span? asks rambler,
but you didn't notice.
Sunday Papers Turd review: 21st November 
Another Damien Hurst piece, a political statement,
or simply a good dump? The lack of sweet corn was most notable feature of this
seven inch masterpiece. I give it 8.5/10
Man talking to the bathroom mirror about his motions should worry
less about bowel disorders, more about
schizophrenia.
hey you, check your poo.
As profits drop, old McDonalds girls
told: Shape up or ship out.
 Above: Bubbly Samantha, "larger than life" Becka, & "great
personality" Jillian.
I'm loathing it.
Aggie and Maggie ruin Tracy Emin's latest exhibit in
cleaning frenzie.
Messy bed no more |
n Earth
ISSUE 8 24TH NOVEMBER 2004