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In the latest thrilling instalment Bond looses his briefcase and is sent on a most dangerous assignment to the Middle East. Having used up most of the lead in his pencil, James now relies on Viagra and a cheeky smile. Will Q be able to provide him with an appropriate gadget to cure his premature ejaculation? Wearing his Casio wristwatch (water resistant to 25 meters, with a backlit screen to dazzle his enemies), Bond carries a BIC pen full of semtex. A real spy blends into the background, like James in his Hawaiian shirt, a paunch and a hip flask full of vodka martini.

Discover what will become of this patriot, 30 years of killing and screwing at her majesty's pleasure surely he won't be asked to do the unthinkable and take it up the arse for queen and country?

The heroine of the last film lost her job with EVIL industries after James blew the main reactor core up. Left pregnant with no job, no pension or even any redundancy pay. We join her now, working as a waitress, wondering why she found that lying bastard so damn attractive, and why she told him where the hidden control room was. It's not exactly easy to catch up with a secret agent, but with the help of the child support agency, she's going to try.

Imprisoned for dereliction of duty after refusing to seduce an ugly double agent...rotting away in a foreign jail with a nasty case of VD, will James ever be able to defeat his evil nemeses, evade the CSA and get his memoirs published? Will he ever find that laptop he left in the tube, and manage to avoid getting caught by the Russians for talking to rocks. Watch the latest episode of the Glaswegian Englishman spy battling the DSS in  'Dr Gonnae No'.

"How dare you call my family fat!!" says fat woman with fat family on reality TV.  "At least we could have attempted to deny it if you'd called us 'stupid'." she didn't say, and we wouldn't have believed her anyway. She should have know she was getting fat when her portait was done in landscape.

Ned actor or actor ned?

Unlike Gregor Fisher; an actor famed for his portrayal of old ned "Rab C Nesbitt"; Ford Kiernan seems more like an old Ned pretending to be an actor. While committing  road rage assault or getting rambunctious down at the Hampden social club, you can be sure he's "getting into character".

Social mobility= chavs in your nice neighbourhood.

Secrets of the "tough guy" walk.

Blank stare.

Coat hanger left inside kappa jay-ket.

Ferrous metal Sovvie rings.

Magnets hidden in pockets.

The full horror the the Crowe hijacking revealed.

Al Qaeda planned to drive Russell Crowe into an awards ceremony where he was not nominated for anything ....knowing full well of his volatile temper and liability to explode.

Humans obsessed with rounding, whole numbers and lasting legacies.

You did a four minute mile? So why is that more significant than breaking the 4 minute and one second barrier or the 3.59 mile (which is surely harder to do)?

Celebrate the integer of revolutions about the nearest star that have taken place since your conception? Why? Oh right, it's my birthday.

Quiz: Know your tragedy hierarchy.

Put the following in order of mourning media merit:

Princess, baby, mother, child, teenager, Grandmother, grandfather, father, foreigner.

Victim of tragic situation suddenly becomes heroic.

Masterchumps

TV Quiz program pay animators to create an ultra realistic computer generated chair for the introduction….when they already own the chair in question. And they call it Mastermind?

Da Vinci's new manuscripts reveal him to have invented the motorcar, discovered DNA and made the first club sandwich.

Filthy Furry F*kers.

Wombles subsisted on 'Things that the everyday things leave behind' ...which, in the park environment would consist of empty crisp packets, dog shite and used condoms. Even Blue Peter couldn't knock up a mother's day gift for Madame Beaujolais with that lot.

Media sensationalism v2.

Boy gets killed in freak accident by giant snowball.

Did you think that was all that was required to report the news event? Hell no! Let’s ask the head teacher how he feels and let him make a little statement. Let’s ask locals how they feel about the local boy dying and let them say how tragic the whole thing is. Let’s mention how devastated the family must feel. No longer is mentioning the time, place, event and implications sufficient; the maximum effect must be drawn from the "human" aspect of the story. No lessons learnt, no logical conclusions drawn.

Slow news day: one year on.

It is very sad that 9 people died in a factory explosion in Glasgow. But it's all to easy to forget that the demand for cheap imports from countries with horrific industrial safety records where many hundreds of people die from industrial accidents working in factories that pay peanuts, and pollute the environment, so the we in the west can enjoy cheaper products and our privileged existence.

4*4 owner denies claim that he takes it up the dirt track.

Giving a sharp rebuffal of allegations pertaining that although he enjoys polishing it on a regular basis, he prefers to get it filthy in country passages. Mr Wiseman claimed "I've never been off road before...apart from that one time in boarding school..." One wonders what the point of an off road vehicle is, if it never strays further than the pavement? Don't let it near the bridleway whatever you do.
 

Non News special: news so new that it's not even happened yet.

"Bong" The modernised, techno inspired, theme tune to the evening news kicks in with the certain urgency and gravitas that only orchestral drums and bass can provide. The News- it's dead important like. Tonight we were given a feast of topical information and events from around the globe...well almost.

Attempted fraud = fraud not committed yet.
Murderer still on run = murderer not caught yet.
Design award nominees announced = awards not presented yet.
Sport preview = games not played yet.
Sporting hopefuls = those sports people who haven't actually done anything yet.

But isn't it modern; the news reporters are standing up!! In the twenty first century we are given a news forecast of things that might happen, and a weather review of how it rained today. How very useful.

Chris Choi presents a report informing us that, different shops sell the same items, but, (wait for it) for different prices! Would you believe it?! An astounding claim, backed up by real life examples, this was an example of cutting edge consumer journalism that certainly enlightened me. I, for one, will be "shopping around" in future (if only for a different evening news channel).

An entire generation missing the point, we aren't even told what the point is. Trivialities in the local news whilst corruption and deceit is rife. A source of "Unbiased" opinions and neutral reporting of the banalities, not libellous or offending to the status quo. You can almost hear the boardroom discussion "We had business corruption and political scandal last week...what...the people are still being massacred in Darfur? But that's boring news...put something on about Beckham."

Distraction for the masses. I didn't even realise it myself until recently. The cultural glue used to bind us is actually manure, with one kind of shit smelling much like any other. It's mob rule, but who rules the mob? The next reporter revealed they'd been nominated as a good regional news program, I'd hate to see a bad one.

The judges will be given divine inspiration by god, not Steven Cowell.

A cynic wonders if Pope John Paul’s comment that condoms don't stop the spread of Aids has caused the death of more people, than say, Harold Shipman or the September 11th terrorists?

Positions vacant...

Do you think you're a suitable candidate to give spiritual guidance to millions of people. Do you consider yourself the mouthpiece of god, whose own personal interpretation of the holy books is to be taken as the word of god? If you answered "yes" to the above you are not suitable to be a Pope, Ayatollah, Guru, Dali Lama. If you answered "no", sorry, as you already know, you are not suitable for the job. Why is your god cult more valid because it has several million followers instead of just a handful of "nutters"?

BBC trivialises for benefit of 5 minute attention span generation.

Computer generated animation of a dragonfly penis was just what we wanted to see. Constant analogies of Dragons, princesses, damsel(fly)'s failed to capture my
interest. Was I to believe that the camera crew followed the exact same dragonfly during the whole of filming? Walk with the dinosaurs (or our best guess at what colour they were, what noise they make, and how they acted- badly).

The program on the earth came out with the very philosophical "The crust- the ground on which we build our lives".

Shock horror student dates teacher.

A phone line set-up for worried parents. Investigation by the education authorities.

As much as most sensibilities are upset when a forty year old dates a young girl…would a newly qualified twenty one year old teacher be investigated for dating a seventeen year old student who later becomes his fiancée? Girls of the age of consent, and not only his judgement, but theirs. The undertone of a paedophilic suggestion mistaking a perhaps unhealthy, but perfectly legal interest in nubile girls (as encouraged by certain sections of the media).

Channel 4: that "cool" channel between 3 and 5

Ooh how cool...look at the pieces spin and spin.

What did you first do it? They ask the stars of their programming. Amongst the dozen answers were the numbers 14, 13, 15 and 12....all of which under British law is defined as statutory rape. Is it the role models or the law out of touch with society? How would you react if it was with partners two decades older than them...or horror of horrors; their teacher? What is the point of law of the land, and duty of the media? Behaviour meets expectation; the "forward thinking" channel decides to bridge the gap? Society's double standards for the sexualising of youth, creation of an image or selling of a product...in a week where a jail term of 10 years can be imposed on anyone found to be "grooming" a minor for sex.

McDonald's new menu more surprising than couple who actually have feelings for each other.

The latest advert features a post coital scene where the boyfriend has bought bagels from a fast food outlet. The girl, unaware of the new menu, thinks the boy has gone to the trouble of making breakfast, and confesses her love for him. The advert features leaving the boy looking shocked...but hang on a minute, is the idea of confessing love towards someone she's been intimate with... that so strange? The suggestion that it's more bizarre for them to serve bagels at breakfast time is patently ridiculous. Or is the author not up to date on contemporary society? Why does the moral compass have to point at magnetic north instead of true north?

Heathwatch Special

In this modern age, two new health worries have come to light. In this special scientific report we teach you how to diagnose the conditions of C.B.S. and O.F.S.

Full Story--->

What would you fight for? Asks Sly Stallone.

To prove yourself? But why should you prove yourself to anyone? To prove it to yourself? Are you insecure? To win money. So you'd commit an act of violence against another human being to satisfy your own desire for tangible goods, but is it ok because they choose to do the same?

To be a champion. Yes, being a champion of aggression and violence is a useful everyday skill. Because you had no choice but to compromise and risk yourself for the amusement of other people, who shall compensate you handsomely for it. Other sports might contain violence and an element of risk, but this sport is violent, and the objective is a harmful one. Is it not the worst possible reason to fight, not to save an innocent, but to commit aggression toward someone in an equally desperate situation as yourself? Perhaps you both deserve what you get for your greed?

Remember the moral message: Unlicensed underground fights for cash prizes are bad...but if the stakes are high enough, and a TV show is encouraging you to train, fight and knock someone's skull with your fists, that's A ok.

G8 Preview.

Geldaft the Great and the Midget Urine were on a very special mission; to save the lands of Um Bungo and achieve a saintly glow in the process.

 ‘I am the master of live 8, for this is what we shall call our concert’. Said Gandalf the great, tussling his messy hair and looking very sincere. Midget Urine, the other master 8’er, the singing Wiener. Do you know the significance of a million people all w*n*ing at the time?

Surely this will get the attention of the world!!! For a large amount of *******ation what we really need is a Boner…to self indulgently ******ate himself on stage.

 I original idea was to do it as a web cast…but so many people are w*n*ing on the internet simultaneously already. Midget had another genius idea ‘perhaps we could have a concert to raise awareness of world poverty….yet not charge for tickets…yesh….that would make perfect sense’. Apparently.

To be aware of an asteroid heading towards planet earth….it doesn’t do a damn thing to stop it. How easily I can ignore a million people w*n**g about something, anything. Show me how rational you are, how cogent your argument is, by smashing shop windows? How is wasting property helpful to anyone? Yes, we know you’re not ‘lovin it’. How about you prove your words, not by taking a little holiday vacation to Scotland’s capital to embarrass yourself by *********ating in public? How about rather than spending your time and money raising awareness and taking a trip to super size your ego (and other people’s ‘awareness’)…yes, how about you give the money to charity instead?

 What a bunch of hypocritical, self prostrating, procrastinating,  wingers. Pop stars driving sports cars preaching environmentalist issues. Preachers speaking in tongues of forgiveness, but only for a select few... generosity, whilst sitting on a fortune.

Scientist couple "playing god"

For years campaigners have worried about "evil", "mad" and "slightly balmy" scientists egomaniacal scientific abilities to tamper with genes. Humans should not be making such life and death decisions. said a spokesperson for the Church of England.

"Creating a life is something only god should do".

Their plan is to merge their genes, perhaps to create some kind of grotesque hybrid.  Some kind of superhuman with the blend of traits from each of them.

Inset: "mad" scientist keen to start the baby creation experiment as soon as he gets home.

The whole process is expected to take about 9 months in a genetic engineering experiment "gone mad". Even the author, who is supposed to be unbiased on such matters, thinks that scientists have no business meddling. Who do Mr and Mrs Richards think they are?

 Mrs Richards: genetic meddler

Bad looser needs more practise.

 "I'll be the best looser I can be, far better than you"

Chelsea manager Morinio was quite livid that Liverpool used the unfair tactic of defending their goal, thus preventing his side from winning like they should have.

Outrageous!

When being better than someone else is awfully important...it's likely you'll attach your self worth to it; then grade yourself accordingly. Look up and down on people; perhaps celebrate the material successes of the rich, but not necessarily their character. Not what a person does, but the manner in which they do it. Judgemental and arrogant? No way, José! However, the jovial ticket collector is living the dream far more than the successful, multi millionaire, top-of-his-game yet utterly miserable bastard is. Simon Cowel, pay attention.

Boss calls "bird flu" a foul, paltry excuse for missing work. 

Pop Grief special: Entire  continent of Australia sends sentiments to Kylie.

A giant rubber band is to be wrapped around Tasmania to let the pint size princess know that the vast land down under is thinking of her in this time of need, right from the bottom of it's ularu.  The get well card left by her bedside was signed simply 'Oz'.

Luke Skywalker kicks his dad's ass for not paying child support.

Nursery rhyme filth:

"Spit don’t swallow"… fly ingesting pensioner advises.

"Use contraception"….shoe dwelling single mother suggests.

P, K, H declared enemies of the state.

Scrabble letters mistaken for dangerous terror suspects.

Do you have a vagina?

If the answer is "yes", we can help with cheaper car insurance - claims sexist advertisement.

Anti Racism wristband pinged in anger- black man slightly injured.

...available on e-bay for unreasonable fee.

Does a person really have to wear a wristband to tell you they're "not a racist"? I would have taken it for granted that we weren't racist in the society, but it seems not. Perhaps it would be a whole lot easier if racists were the ones who had to wear the wristbands.

News of the future.

Bono and the Edge die, but the band keeps playing, despite the shouts from the audience of "shut up you two."

Sister Stephen finds that helping Father Dowling solve mysteries is no substitute for divine worship, chocolate, or chippendales.

Smug villain didn’t notice the film still has 15 minutes to go.

Original Golden balls

Things go horribly wrong for Midas after some absent minded scratching.

Following the alleged discovery of a human digit in a Wendy's burger the new advertising claims:

Finger licking- good : finger biting -bad.

Shows they didn't make: TV's naughtiest police chases. 50 funniest fatal accidents. You've been falsely imprisoned.

Jog in the park turns out to be no walk in the park.

Missing In Action:

Scientists unable to find third action of triple action washing powder. When does a double action not suffice?

Miracle face cream works on 7 signs of aging.

Stay young forever.

*Not including dementia,  incontinence, depression, osteoporosis, cataracts, Parkinson's disease or wrinkles.

New god of rock pool ecosystem turns out to be 10 yr old boy.

800% longer lashes mascara. Warning: you could have someone's eye out on them.

Zippy suffocates due to lack of nostrils.

Tarantino looses job directing children's TV after Mr Ben finds himself in a gimp mask after wandering into the wrong shop.

Coen's building company- Sherlock homes.

X Factor: X sells.

Watching XXX whilst drinking XXXX, Mr X expected an X rated extravaganza.

Amazing creatures.

Everyone knows how a salamander can re-grow it's tail...but who could have guessed that the very rare Blunket miraculously re-grow his integrity?

Cool dudez.

Got the clothes, got the magazines, got the hairdo, got the attitude, got the board. Got to the top of the hill- promptly fell off.

Shallow Hal has important moral message: only go with a fatty if you've been hypnotised.

Werthers' unoriginal.

I must have been about your age...Sweet and creamy and uncommonly good… what she said... the look of joy when I opened the foil wrapper…I can still remember the very first fellatio given to me by your grandmother. Of course, old prophylactics were nothing like the feather light johnnies I can see you are using.

Thanks granddad, but could you please get the hell out of here and give us some privacy?

Positive thinking:

The cup is half full, (of poison).