8000 dead in Srebrenica; Jack Straw apologises for United Nations' inaction on war crimes.

"This evil happened under our noses and we did nothing like enough...I bitterly regret this and I am deeply sorry for it."

In ten years time will another civil servant be in Darfur apologising for the inaction in 2005, and another preventable massacre?

Hilary Clinton condemns computer game.

Here's da lowdown from ma man, CJ from San Andreas City, word up dawg.

Hey homies,  in 'dis bleak portrayal of a consequence free virtual world of gang banging in a class oppressive society, with corrupt police, mafia, triads, bloods and crypts. A hood full of drugs, prostitution, gangland violence; vengeance and murder. 'Jackin' cars is only the start of it...Uzis, Ak47s, grenades, samurai swords...in the x-rated scenes, y'all don't get to see ma weapon fo' sure.

Word up, bitch. Is it iller for a young blood to act like a player with his lady or 'jack a ride then bust a nine in yo' dome? Who's da fool, fool?

When an ignoramus condemns the game for perhaps it's least offensive element it proves to be a real publicity coup for the games company. What do you expect for a country which spends more on guns and ammo than it does on pornography...and more on porn than it gives to charity. Who are these people who find two semi clothed characters pelvic thrusting more offensive than a gun? Where a majority finds Janet Jackson's tit slip to be more offensive than pictures of gun crime victims.

Word.

<inset> CJ gets busy with it, whilst thinking of Hillary (but only to stop his P.E. problem).

rant cont. on pages 22 through 126

Psychic Tony

The PM showed amazing mind reading skill in 'knowing' that the terrorist didn't attack the UK because of the government's foreign policy on I-raq. It seems that Tony knows what the terrorists are thinking even better than they do themselves, since the suspects caught say that watching the Iraq invasion on TV was motivation.

It seems a pity that he's less good at mind reading where and when the next attack will be.

Sponsor a starving footballer.

Even as we speak some premiership reservists are living on the borderline of exorbitant luxury and are doing without some essentials like:

• Ferrari sports cars.
• 2nd house in Cannes.
• Plastic surgery/ fake tan/ Bacardi for the wife.
• Legal costs for divorce and assault/rape charges.
• Funding of drinking/drug/gambling habits.
• Liver transplants.
• PR to defend their sullied reputations

For as little as 2 pounds per day you can buy a season ticket and help provide for many of the most deprived footballers in the premiership.

Overweight lady fronts campaign to provide food aid to starving people.

'We're facing a crisis' she said (about 14 stones of it). Had she been on vacation there and emptied their cake silos? A star who'd acted in Mission Impossible and James Bond was plugging the charity on the other channel. It's easy to mock, so I shall continue...isn't it brainless to use the rich and/or overindulgent to advertise charities, and doesn't this highlight the whole damn problem? 

Fear Incorporated

If you're alert and aware; there are trends of global uncertainty present in every era; economic uncertainty, terrorism, the bomb, ecological disasters at every turn. Many people respond to that uncertainty and anxiety with fear. There are various methods with which they dissipate that fear.

One strategy is to just buy more things to get more pleasure now, because it's all going to be gone soon; this is the materialist’s strategy; to absorb oneself in the acquisition of wealth and avoid asking questions.

Others feel that they will reduce the fear if they align yourself with good, as opposed to evil. In the world of good and evil if you are part of the elect, one of the good guys and you push away the bad guys somehow you will be protected from the uncertainties of the world.

People grab onto the belief system which makes them feel that they are in the right, and this reduces some of their anxiety. However, in order to preserve that they have to be committed to believe that other people are not in the right. The world is polarized into ‘Ours is the only way and if you don't do it, you're missing it, and you're wrong’.

There is an alternative strategy that suggests that fear is rooted in our feeling of separateness, so we should work for our deeper unity and understanding.

Britain unites, and Blair declared national hero.

Change arrives as the inevitable, long awaited terrorist attack has come and the media has a new focus:  Death toll from terror attack likely to rise to 60.

In the face of any loss of human life, it may seem callous to point out the weekly figure in Iraq is in that region, and to be truly humanist; you have to ignore that fact that it’s not happening in the west. Any moment now, expect to hear someone say “My god, this is almost a tragic as when Diana died”.

Put in perspective, more millionaires are made on the lottery in the UK each year…but as most people have no concept of statistics, winning the lottery or getting killed by terrorist bombs seem far more realistic scenarios than, say, dying due to one’s own lifestyle choices. Here’s your lottery ticket of death courtesy of Messrs B & B.

 As developed nations around the world join London in a two minute silence...would it not have been possible to dedicate the vigil to all victims of suicide bombers...with the hope that we can understand and resolve the issues of people deluded enough to do these things? It is exactly this disparity which has created the problem- an unequal view of the worth of foreigners.

If we were to have a silence for every preventable, outrageous waste of human life; we would be a very quiet species indeed.

The media frenzy takes a grip; doing the terrorists’ bidding; publicising risk, creating a ‘terrified’ atmosphere that unites the nation; a ‘wartime’ leader and a free hand to introduce rather dubious legislation.

But, hey, it sure sells a lot of newspapers. Bowel cancer also kills about 50 people a day in the UK, but little wonder it's no worthy of the headlines.

Children's story takes dark twist

It was rush hour in the busy city station when the police officers pounced on the short dark, unusually hairy foreign gentleman, and wrestled him to the ground. He was seen carrying a brown suitcase with the initials "P.B.", which was now in mid air, sent flying by the force of the three burly cops who'd rugby tackled the suspect. Time slowed down as horrified commuters saw the case and wondered what horror it contained. "GET BACK" screamed one lady, and the lid sprang open and spilled its contents across the platform.

Within minutes the station had been cordoned off, passengers at a safe distance. The city in chaos; commuters diverted. The chemical weapons team burst out of an armored vehicle, sirens blazing as it screeched to a halt. The bomb squad was sure the package wasn't explosive, but there could still be some kind of biological hazard.

An very tense hour later and the head of the Bio-threat team reported back to the chief constable. "it appears to be" he muttered through the steamed up window of his protective suit "it appears to be...some kind of sandwich. It's not my area of expertise, but I'd say it was marmalade".

The small dark gentleman had been in custody long enough to be strip searched, roughed up and grilled by the local constabulary. No admissions were forthcoming, only something about coming from darkest Peru. He had been murmuring about his aunt when the man from the embassy arrived and stopped the interview. Before long an apology was given and he was promptly driven to his new home: Brown's- a purpose built detention centre.

Join us again for the next adventure "Paddington Bear and the failed claim for asylum".

Terrorism and duplicity.

This examination of the known 'facts' is not to cast judgement, but merely to stimulate thought. Blair says 'No compromise' and says these terrorists have 'Warped reasoning and twisted logic' He tells us to stop seeing something in their ideas. Tony won't give an inch to terrorism.

Well...not to certain terrorists. Within a week of the announcement of a cessation of violence; a two year plan has been announced to remove watchtowers and most army bases, to de-fortification police stations, repeal Northern Ireland's counter-terrorist legislation and a halving of the military presence. Paramilitary fugitives granted amnesty in secret agreements. Why is it that deals were done with the IRA, but not with Al' Qaeda? They don't have a legitimate democratic political wing ran by ex-terrorists with which to air their grievances. They don't have legitimate justification?

Even to the layman it seems that those in northern Ireland had a better deal than the Palestinians. The lack of racial element, the controlling government slightly more accountable, the oppression escapable and a semblance of a democratic option. Between both sides, 3637 were killed in the troubles between '69 and '99 (statistics from the BBC website). Yet, because the IRA didn't kill so many people in spectacular fashion, and weren't so willing to give their lives, this makes them more reasonable? According to Tony Blair, we can negotiate with them.

The word of Irish terrorists is worth more than that of Osama Bin Laden? Who, if you read between the fire and brimstone in this particular speech is basically "You leave us alone, we'll leave you alone". It sounds, dare I say it, quite logical to me, despite the fanaticism. Who is it serving if we don't just mind our own business? Who is after the black honey of the middle east?

So what have we learnt in Sesame Street today? No, it's not that terrorism works, but compromise is necessary for peace. The IRA didn't 'win'...nobody did. Is peace possible before the USA decide it is...since amongst their ranks are sponsors of Irish terrorism and ex-Taliban supporters?

How would Iraq be if it was international peacekeepers from Pakistan, from Egypt and Syria? How would we react if we were being liberated by a country with different language religion and culture, as opposed to say, people from old commonwealth?

The western problem with Osama is his intent of Islamification. Injustice and democracy aren't the main motivators...our governments' best friends in the region are unelected Princes presiding over their realms.

 Islamification of a country makes it an unviable capitalist option, and a potential future hazard in the eyes of those whose unilateral policies state 'you're either with us, or against us'. Like the commies, the fundies aren't good for business. We're now in the untenable position of having overstepped the mark, and yet we're unable to step back for fear of appearing weak. Don't we need to be smarter than this? Don't we need leaders who are smarter than this? We're 'not' racist, yet we allow ghettos of alienation to develop in our major cities with mistrust on both sides.

RSPCA reiterate: the weasel does not go 'pop'.

‘Pop goes the weasel’ they said. Yet in the pet shop, the assistant said that a weasel should definitely not make a popping sound unless it’s defective, or eating Pringles.

Pride comes before a fall-

parading on stilts, wearing nothing but Speedos & a smile is just asking for trouble.

Being a midget highly overrated.

With the rise to fame of Mini-me, Jackass's 'wee man' and that short guy from Willow; it's harsh reminder that being small isn't as glamorous as it's made out; especially if you're a little on the big side.

Lowland Scots in kilts.

Do I look like a victim of the clearances? Clearance sales, maybe.

Nobody as far south as Glasgow ever wore a kilt. A Zebra without stripes is a horse, a kilt without tartan is a skirt.

Drag n drop.

When your girlfriend persuades you to emigrate before dumping you.

Recycle bin.

Over 30's night club.

2nd law of smelt it dealt it.

• Those who quote the 1st law are the more likely culprits.

Hot Womble Action

'Endangered species', excuse used unsuccessfully by Orinoco in attempts to start personal breeding program.

Asbo- an order of anti social nature.

Four pints of Stella please.

Two times zero.

Geek ponders advantage of purchasing a book entitled 'Double your dating'.

TV program helpfully suggests

'Darkness- idea conditions for a night dive.'

Rapper uses grammar, looses cred.

"It'll be alright on the night #28" cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.