Characters
Under Construction. Will be in Alphabetical Order when finished:
Imperial Commando
Darth Vader
The Emperor
Paul the Spy
John
Admiral Bob II
Admiral Bob III
Admiral Bob IV
Admiral Bob V
Jar Jar Binks
Blue Leader
RebelPilot
BOB
Bob
Doug
Fred
James
Bob's Mother
Bob's Father
Admiral Ackbar
Lando
Wedge
Major Trouble
General Paranoia
Commandor Bjork
Omega Leader
Ima Reporter
Annoying Sponser
Crix
Metallic Green Leader
Metallic Green Two
Metallic Green Four
Orange Leader
Orange Two
Red Leader
Xi Leader
Rogue Leader
Rogue Two
Blue Two
The Ensign Guy
Pi Leader
Pi Two
Alpha Leader
Omicron Four
Phi Leader
Phi Two
Omicron Leader
Omicron Seven
Alpha One
Omega One
Alpha Two
Omega Four
Blue Three
Phi Five
Blue Twelve
Orange Three
Chi Leader
Psi Leader
Psi Two
Luke Skywalker
Quigon Jin
Anakin Skywalker
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Arnold Reporter
Imperial Commando's Mom
Narrator With Funny Voice
Guy Who Actually Makes Any Decisions Around There
Guy Who Can Make THAT Specific Decision
George Edson
Narrator's Understudy
George's Superior
Interrupting Narrator's Understudy
Interrupting Narrator's Understudy's Backup
Fred Reporter
Rebel #1
Rebel #2
Rebel #3
Rebel #4
Rebel #5
Rebel #6
Rebel #7
Rebel #8
Rebel #9
Rebel #10
Rebel #11
Rebel #12
Rebel #13
Rebel #14
Rebel #15
Rebel #16
Rebel #17
Rebel #18
Rebel #19
Rebel #20
Rebel #21
Rebel #22
Rebel #23
Sponser
Frank Reporter
Rebel #71
Ima Cameraman
Ima Cameraman's Brother
General Johnson
Colonel Wilson
Colonel Mustard
Admiral Frank II
Sergant Williams
Sergant Fred
Colonel Ketchup
Colonel Corn
Colonel Relish.
Blue Four
Voice
Boba Fett
Front Desk Person
Person #1
Han Solo
Worker #1
Worker #2
Worker #12
Worker #13
Worker #14
Worker #15
Worker #16
Worker #17
Ed Reporter
Joe Reporter
John Newscaster
Rebel A-Wing Pilot
Rebel X-Wing Pilot
Rebel Y-Wind Pilot
Neon Black Leader
Indigo Leader
Indigo Two
Indigo Three
Indigo Four
Indigo Five
Indigo Six
Indigo Seven
Crowd
Ima Questioner
Fred Questioner
Imperial Commando 2
Crowd #1
Crowd #2
Darth Vader's Sidekick, George
Waiter
Waiter Jr.
"Super" Waiter
Super Waiter II
Super Waiter III
Super Waiter IV
Super Waiter V
Ed Bobson
Instructor
Albert Einstein
TIE Fighter Pilots
TF Pilot #1
TF Pilot #2
New Pi Two
Aquamarine Leader
Aquamarine Two
TK-469
Zeta Leader
Zeta Seven
Private Ryan
Private Bronstead
AK-47
TK-421
Mon Mothra
Rebel Scum
Elian Gonzalez
Pikachu
Bulbasaur
Waiter Person
Jimmy Hoffa
Hamlet
Little Red Sprite
Little Blue Sprite
Imperial Commando
Imperial Commando tends to be the main character. He is usually smart and diobolical, but sometimes he's a bit absent-minded. He is also quite eccentric. He has a VERY large ego that is stored in a super star destroyer and the only reason it fits into there is because it's folded up. He is the leader of the Imperials, and has won many battles. He has been in all of the episodes except one(the first one), and he is always the one who kills Jar Jar in every episode. Surprisingly, he seems to be the smartest of all the Imperials. He also makes at least a 12 digit salary, from what we've seen.
Darth Vader
Darth Vader is Imperial Commando's best friend. They have very similar personalities, except that Darth Vader isn't QUITE as smart, and no where NEAR as self-centered. He has been in every episode. One time Anakin Skywalker made a guest appearance. Another time, the characters were doing some time traveling, and there ended up being two Darth Vaders from the future, the one from the present, and one from the past. He has been fired eight times.
The Emperor
The Emperor is EXTREMELY stupid, and is so random, he would put a random number generator to shame. His real name is Palpa Tine. First name Palpa, last name Tine. He is only a decoy leader. Reason being, if the Rebels kill him... who cares? He has also been in every episode, and in the first couple episodes he wasn't as dumb as he is today. He is also friends with Jar Jar Binks.
Paul the Spy
Paul the Spy is a British spy, hired by the Imperials to.. well... spy. He has a bizarre fascination with bashing people's faces in, and has a funny accent. He just joined The Empire in episode 36. He's a good spy, and pretty smart, but fairly naive. His role models are the Monty Python guys.
John
John was a little character I created a while back to add something to the list that none of the other characters could. I noticed I was throwing out a lot of jokes that I could have told if only I had another character. So, I created John. I never developed John's personality very well, and he never really contributed much in the way of humor. So soon, I stopped using him. I made up for his failure with Paul the Spy though.
Admiral Bob II
He was just sort of "there" during a joke about Commandors. See the information on Commandor Bjork for more information on that. Anyway, Admiral Bob II was just talking to him, and he informed Commandor Bjork when he could release all the TIES. Which turned out unfortunately. He released 10,000 BOW Ties. Admiral Bob II is based on the Imperials in the movies, but with a much larger ego.
Admiral Bob III
Admiral Bob III is a character I created way back in episode 13. I never planned for Admiral Bob III to be anything, but I just randomly had him start saying "Nice SHOT Imperial Commando" whenever Imperial Commando shot someone. He continued his career of shooting people until he fell ill with Anthrax. Then the next week he had Ebola. Then E-coli, and so on, and so on. Now he has a new illness EVERY week, but the weirdest one was DEFINATELY when he had a pig latin overdose. A close second was pnemonia-itis, or Admiral Bob III-itis.(hey, I ran out of terminal illnesses, okay?)
Admiral Bob IV
Admiral Bob IV is the son of Admiral Bob III. He says "Nice SHOT Imperial Commando!" when Imperial Commando shoots someone, just like his father did. He also tells people what illness his father has THIS week.
Admiral Bob V
Admiral Bob V only appeared twice that I can recall. Admiral Bob III was as usual at home sick as usual, and Imperial Commando stole Admiral Bob IV's line, Admiral Bob V popped in and said "Nice stealing of Admiral Bob IV's line, Imperial Commando!" Also in issue 21, when the 3rd was sick, and the 4th was in Australia trying to get a part in Episode II.
Jar Jar Binks
That's right folks, Jar Jar Binks. After his popular performance in Episode I, The Phantom Menace, Jar Jar Binks has become a character in The Empire! Fortunately for the readers, he gets killed in every episode. Usually he gets shot, but sometimes it's more interesting and painful. After Jar Jar dies, Admiral Bob IV pops in and says "Nice [whatever] [whoever]" and then they ask where Admiral Bob III is THIS week, and it's really funny.
Blue Leader
Blue Leader is Imperial Commando's brother, but strangely, he's a Rebel. Imperial Commando says that they were both born Imperials, but that his brother became a Rebel after a serious bump on the head while he was playing Rebelball. In early issues, Blue leader was Blue Two, but in issue 15, Darth Vader killed the old Blue Leader. Blue Leader is smarter than any Imperial and an excellent pilot and tactician, but he's pretty boring, but that's what makes it so funny when he talks with an Imperial. Blue Leader is actually loosely based on my brother... very loosely.
RebelPilot
RebelPilot is a real person(but RebelPilot isn't REALLY his name). He has an E-Zine about Star Wars, but it's from the point of view of the Rebels. His website is www.rebelpilot.net. Anyway, in The Empire, RebelPilot is portrayed as a typical annoying Rebel. He co-stars in episodes 14 and 15, which was a two-part series called "When Competing E-Zine Editors Meet". He has also appeared in Episode 41, saying "Snerk". (he says snerk in real life! Honest!)
BOB
Bob is a character who I just don't have a need for any more. That's why he isn't in any of the recent episodes. He used to appear all the time back when I had people from the 'Reporter' family guest starring as Reporters, usually covering a battle. He was the guy at the station, and later the narrator. He made a good narrator because he talked in all caps, and never had a name in front of what he said, but everyone called him Bob. He was also HIDEOUSLY overpaid.
Bob
Bob, not to be confused with Bob, lives on Tatooine and ISN'T house-trained. His first appearance was in episode 16, along with Fred, Doug, James, and his parents. Him, Fred, Doug, and James didn't have any personalities, they just kept saying: "I don't know [name], what do YOU want to do today?" "I don't know [name], what do YOU want to do today?" And stuff like that. Bob and the rest of the gang have actually appeared in at least 3 episodes, despite having been killed at the end of episode 16.
Doug
Doug was one of the characters on Tatooine with no personality. He isn't house-trained either.
Fred
Fred also has no personality. He IS however house-trained, so he won't ruin your carpets, if you're thinking of adopting him.
James
James has no personality and is house-trained. Not much to say, since he has no personality.
Bob's Mother
Bob's mother only had three lines. One was calling the kids in for dinner, one was yelling at them for saying "I don't know [name] whose turn do YOU think it is to pass the vegetables?" And her last line ever was yelling at her husband.
Bob's Father
Bob's father only had one line. He was humoring the kids by continuing the line of "I don't know, who's turn do YOU think it is to act really sad, now that mom yelled at us?" Then the mom yelled at him. Then they all died. But Bob, Fred, Doug, and James seemed to live just fine.
Admiral Ackbar
Admiral Ackbar is of course a Rebel. He has appeared numerous times, and recently has aquired a speech impedimint, where he mixes up wigginings of borgs. Early on however, he didn't have this speech impediment, and was actually quite normal. He was Blue Leader's and a few other's boss, and just left the work to them. He had to go to the bathroom quite badly in Special Edition One (published during my first summer).
Lando
Lando has even been in here. Admiral Ackbar is his boss, and Lando helped explain that the Imperials schedule, literally, EVERYTHING. Even when they go to the bathroom.
Wedge
Wedge is by FAR the Rebel's best pilot. He once blew up something like 500 TIE Fighters with one shot. He doesn't usually plan any attacks, but he executes them beautifully. If it weren't for him, we Imperials would have CRUSHED the Rebels YEARS ago.
Major Trouble
Major Trouble can roll his eyes across a room. He has only appeared once, and that was with General Paranoia. Those two were just created as a one-issue joke. "Major Trouble Reporting to General Paranoia, SIR!"
General Paranoia
General Paranoia. The name says it all. He takes pills for his paranoia, but he thinks the pills are plotting against him. His only appearance was with Major trouble in episode 24.
Commandor Bjork
That's right, commandor. Well, it started OUT as a typo, but I quickly covered for it by making it a new rank. He only appeared (and was killed by Imperial Commando for launching bow ties instead of TIE Fighters) in issue 24. He is the only Commandor to ever be seen, and in the episode he appeared in, only Commandors could deploy TIE Fighters.
Omega Leader
Omega Leader is one of the smartest Imperials. He runs the most elite Imperial Navy Squadron. A while back, we had a joke about the Imperial TIE pilots. They were named after the letters of the Greek alphabet, getting progressively smarter. Naturally, Omega would be the smartest of the pilots, followed closely by Psi, and so on. By Gamma squadron, the pilots are so dumb that Jar Jar Binks looks smart, and by Alpha, the pilots are about as smart as slime mold...
Ima Reporter
Ima Reporter was the oldest kid in the Reporter family. His first appearance was in Episode 10, where he took a special "behind the scenes look" at The Empire. From the beginning he hated Imperial Commando for thinking the Ima Reporter was saying his job, when Imperial commando kept on asking his name. He quit by the end of the episode, but appeared one more time, in episode 10 as a lion tamer.
Annoying Sponser
Annoying Sponser only appeared once, and in Episode IV. He was selling Imperial and Rebel bumper stickers, which I had thrown in there, because I like top ten lists. Annoying Sponser snorted a lot.
Crix
Crix has only "appeared" once. I use the term appeared loosely, because he just wrote an article, which was the entire issue for Episode V. He really does exist in the Star Wars universe, but he's some obscure character...
Metallic Green Leader
Metallic Green leader was a Rebel in Episode XI. Everyone around him seems to get killed, but he survives. Every time he gets backup, they die, but he lives... Man, that would suck.
Metallic Green Two
Metallic Green Two ALSO only appeared in Episode XI. He had one line. After which, I promptly killed him.
Metallic Green Four
After Metallic Green Leader starts asking for people to help him, Metallic Green Four informs him that he's the only one left in Metallic Green Squadron. He shouts that he needs backup, then dies.
Orange Leader
Another Rebel in Episode XI. He asks how Metallic Green Leader is doing, after he's almost been killed several times. Orange Leader starts thinking he's pretty funny... then I killed him.
Orange Two
Orange Two only had one line. He calls for backup. He doesn't die right afterwards, but you never see him again, so I assume he died.
Red Leader
He comes up with a really long, complex plan for attacking the Imperials. Yup, that's really the only appearance of Red Leader. He only has one line, but it's kind of a long line. Yup.
Xi Leader
Xi Leader is the first Imperial Pilot to speak in Episode VI. He comes up with a plan that is EXACTLY the same as Red Leader's. The only differences are which pilots actually do the maneuvers and stuff.
Rogue Leader
Rogue Leader takes part in the very first battle. The one in episode 6. He comes up with a very long and complex plan for attacking the Imperials. It is exactly like the one Red Leader comes up with.
Rogue Two
Another Rebel. He spots some plot flaws in Wedge's plan, after Wedge comes up with another one. Mostly, the reason the plan won't work is because some guy named Joe didn't re-order the concussion missiles. More about Joe later... he gets his own paragraph.
Blue Two
Blue Two is really Blue Leader, before he was promoted, so to speak. Well, okay. Darth Vader killed the old Blue Leader.
The Ensign Guy
The ensign guy was part of the Commandor Bjork joke. He expresses the readers point of view when he says "Commandor? Don't you mean commander?"
Pi Leader
Pi Leader was an Imperial Squadron Leader in a sneak attack in issue 24. He gets told his epidermis is showing, then he dies. Then Pi Two becomes the new Pi Leader, and Pi Three becomes Pi Two.
Pi Two
Pi Two tells Pi Leader that his epidermis is showing in issue 24. This causes Pi Leader to die, and Pi Two becomes the new Pi Leader. Then the former Pi Three(now Pi Two) tells Pi Leader that HIS epidermis is showing. "I already used that one..."
Alpha Leader
In the Imperial Squadrons, the joke is that as they get earlier in the Greek alphabet, they get dumber. So Alpha dudes are the dumbest. The stupidest of the idiots is none other than Alpha Leader. Alpha Leader is sometimes Jar Jar Binks, but that's only when I'm looking for more creative ways to kill him.
Omicron Four
Omicron Four just had one line. He was in issue 24, and commented on Alpha Leader, who at the time was Jar Jar Binks.
Phi Leader
Phi Leader appears several times, only in battle issues though. He is an Imperial Squadron Leader.
Phi Two
Phi Two appears only once, in issue 24. He is told to shoot Jar Jar Binks/Alpha Leader, but he says he was already planning on doing that.
Omicron Leader
Omicron Leader appeared in issue 24 to tell people that though Phi squadron had just been instructed to kill Jar Jar, he already had it covered. Apparently, everyone wanted to kill Jar Jar for some odd reason.
Omicron Seven
Omicron Seven appears in issue 24 to tell everyone that HE wanted to kill Jar Jar, not Omicron Leader, or Phi Leader, or Phi Two, or any other squadrons. He already had the killing of Jar Jar covered.
Alpha One
Alpha One is an Imperial in the battle in episode 6. You might think that Alpha One is just Alpha Leader, but you're WRONG! The truth is, I don't know what I was smoking back when I wrote that, but since the universe I created in The Empire is, after all, my own, I can make Alpha One and Alpha Leader different people.
Omega One
Omega One is an Imperial in the Episode 6 battle. Omega One, contrary to popular belief, is NOT Omega Leader. It's just one of the quirks of MY Star Wars universe.
Alpha Two
Alpha Two is almost the dumbest of all the Imperials. The dumbest would be Alpha Leader or Alpha One, but Alpha Two is right up there. You see Alpha Two in the battle in issue 6, when the Rebels are disabled, and the Imperials decide to have fun by sending Alpha Squadron in to finish them. Alpha Squadron has a bit of trouble finding them.
Omega Four
Omega Four appears only in the battle in issue 6. He is an elite Imperial Pilot, if they even exist.
Blue Three
Blue Three is an interesting story. I guess he's Blue Two now, since the original Blue Leader was killed a while later. Anyway, he was disabled along with the rest of the Rebels in episode 6, and at the end was left there, because everyone forgot about him. So I asked the readers to e-mail me about what might have happened to him. To this day I haven't gotten a single response!
Phi Five
Phi Five is an Imperial, who takes part in the episode 6 battle. He kills several Blue Squadron folks.
Blue Twelve
Blue Twelve is the one Blue Squadron dude that gives the Imperials trouble(other than my brother, of course). He goes Rambo on a bunch of Alpha Squadron pilots... then Phi Leader kills him.
Orange Three
Orange Three is a Rebel who complains in episode 6, "They're coming in too fast!" He gets yelled at for using such a trite line, so he shouts, "They're coming in too slow!" That's the kind of humor I do ALL the TIME.
Chi Leader
Chi Leader is of the smartest Imperial squadron leaders. He appears a couple times, in battles and meetings. Often he points out rather obvious facts.
Psi Leader
Psi Leader appears rather randomly in battle issues(multiples of 6), and occasionally some meetings. Psi Leader is an Imperial, and the second-smartest squadron leader that there is.
Psi Two
Psi Two only appears in the battle in episode 6. He is supposed to be not as smart as Psi Leader, but he really is. And he would make a good candidate for Captain Obvious.
Luke Skywalker
Luke Skywalker has appeared a couple times. His first appearance was when he was infiltrating a meeting where he was tricked into revealing who he was. He appears a couple times later, but he's never an important character.
Quigon Jin
Quigon Jin, also known as 'the geezer', appeared in issue 9 only, when he was trapped in a time warp or something. This also marked the first appearance of Jar Jar Binks. He appeared with Anakin Skywalker and the young Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Anakin Skywalker
He appears only once and that is in episode 9. He is Darth Vader when he was 9, but he appears in The Empire because he and Quigon and Obi-Wan fell through a wormhole or something, and were teleported to our time. The two Anakins were very surprised upon meeting eachother.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Obi-Wan Kenobi is one of those names that loses its meaning FAST when you say it enough times. Obi-Wan only appears in The Empire when he was very young -- About the age he is in episode I. Obi-Wan appears in The Empire due to some kind of weird wormhole that distorts time and space and... ah, get that wheelchair guy to explain it. Obi-Wan, Anakin, Jar Jar Binks, and Quigon all appear together on the Death Star III in episode 9.
Arnold Reporter
Arnold Reporter appears only once. He is the second-oldest son in the reporter family, right behind Ima Reporter. He does the behind-the-scenes special in episode 10. He succeeds quickly in pissing everyone off, and by the end of the episode, quits just like his brother before him. Speaking of his brother, he makes a special appearance in that episode.
Imperial Commando's Mom
Imperial Commando's mom only makes two appearances. She's very much like her son, large ego, funny.... She also enjoys embarassing her son. For example did you know that Imperial Commando's real first name is James? None of us knew that until she showed up. She also has a very short temper and once attacked Darth Vader with her purse.
Narrator With Funny Voice
The NWFV was one of many, many, many narrators that I have had over the years. He narrated most of issue 11, until, the poor guy, he got colditis... wait no, he got a cold. What the heck is a cold?
Guy Who Actually Makes Any Decisions Around There
The GWAMADAT was interviewed briefly in episode 11 by the Narrator With a Funny Voice.
Guy Who Can Make THAT Specific Decision
This interesting character was interviewed in issue 11 by a fellow by the name of The Narrator With a Funny Voice. Back when I created these characters I had a very injured arm, so I must not have been thinking clearly.
George Edson
George Edson was a person interviewed in episode 11 by the NWFV. He's not a very bright fellow, and he once ran right into Darth Vader. How RUDE!
Narrator's Understudy
The Narrator's Understudy took over for the Narrator in Episode 11 after he got colditis... or something.
George's Superior
George's Superior was interviewed as well in issue 11. He is George Edson's superior, and is never really a major character. Well, almost none of these people are major characters, but still...
Interrupting Narrator's Understudy
We're not sure if the Interrupting Narrator's Understudy is the same person as the Narrators Understudy. All we know is he showed up after the Narrator's Understudy was interviewing George Edson's Superior, and he interrupted him.
Interrupting Narrator's Understudy's Backup
The Interrupting Narrator's Understudy's Backup appeared after the INU got so flustered with signing off that he quit. Flustered is a funny word, isn't it?
Fred Reporter
Fred Reporter is the third-eldest kid in the Reporter family. He is right behind Arnold Reporter and of course, Ima. He covers the battle in issue 12, along with his younger brother Frank Reporter.
Rebel #1
Rebel #1 was one of the attacking Rebels in issue 12. There were many Rebels in this issue, and most of them only had one line. The joke was there was about 70 of them just standing around talking. It took quite a while before any of them attacked anything.
Rebel #2
Rebel #2 is another Rebel who just stands around talking in issue 12. He only has one line, much like the rest of them.
Rebel #3 Rebel #3 has, get this, TWO LINES! WOW! AMAZING! INCREDIBLE! UNBELIEVABLE! That doesn't stop him from standing around doing nothing, though.
Rebel #4 Rebel #4 stands around doing nothing. He's the sarcastic one of the bunch of Rebels. He asks for everyone to shut up and start attacking. Poor Rebel #4, no one listens to him. The Rebels don't start attacking until another 21 Rebels later.
Rebel #5 Rebel #5 agrees that they should start attacking now. As in right this instant. NOW! Obviously it doesn work. They quickly get sidetracked by the disappearance of this next fellow...
Rebel #6 Rebel #6 causes quite a commotion when he doesn't show up right after Rebel #5 stops talking. Instead it's that horrible knowitall, Rebel #7 who is really no different from any of the other Rebel #s, but I had to say that to take up some space.
Rebel #7 Ah yes, the famous Rebel #7. He has only one line, and... WHAT THE HELL WAS I DRINKING WHEN I CAME UP WITH ALL THESE REBELS?!?
Rebel #8 Rebel #8 is the first one to realize that Rebel #6 has gone missing. How observant he is. Boy, these Rebels are starting to get redundant, huh? Well stay tuned, there's a LOT more where this came from.
Rebel #9 Rebel #9 only has one line out of the group of Rebels all standing around doing nothing. Get this, he says he doesn't KNOW where Rebel #6 is. This is some pretty cool stuff, eh?
Rebel #10 Rebel #10 comments that he saw the missing Rebel #6 at the McDonald's the Rebels stopped at on their way to the battle. Silly Rebels!
Rebel #11
"Rebel #11: Well duh, we stopped at McDonalds on our way here." Need I say more?
Rebel #12
Rebel #12 agrees that he saw Rebel #6 get left behind at the McDonald's. Oops. NOW this is getting interesting. Other than the fact that nothing is happening, this is getting interesting.
Rebel #13 Rebel #13 doesn't even have an entire LINE he says two words before vanishing into thin air. Poor guy. We hardly got a chance to know him.
Rebel #14 Rebel #14, being immediately after Rebel #13 is the first one to comment on his disappearance. Great, now Rebel #6 AND 13 have disappeared. What EVER will we do now? He later disappears much the same way that Rebel #13 does. But that is still his only line.
Rebel #15 Rebel #15 has by far the dumbest line of any character EVER in the history of The Empire. He says "A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with. Get it? HAW HAW HAW!
Rebel #16 Rebel #16 asks Rebel #6 where he was when he finally pops into the scene. He says he stopped at Baskin Robins.
Rebel #17 Would it kill you if you didn't know what Rebel #17 said? I mean really? Just kidding, I'll tell you. He questions Rebel #6. That's it. He only has one line too. "Well, you're LATE!!! How could you do this to us?"
Rebel #18
Rebel #18 insults Rebel #6 for ditching them at a time when they needed him. Though they don't seem to need him very badly if they're still standing around doing nothing!
Rebel #19 Rebel #19 comments on how Rebel #14 disappeared in the same way that Rebel #13 did. That's his only line. He's no where near as cool as the NEXT character here...
Rebel #20
Rebel #20 has the most personality of all the Rebels in this issue. He's smart, he's sarcastic, and he's got a root canal at six. So he says let's hurry up and kill the Imperials in some one of his THREE lines.
Rebel #21 I think I'll nickname Rebel #21 Captain Obvious. He states that Rebel #20 is a Rebel, after he complains about where all these redundant Rebels came from.
Rebel #22 Says that Rebel #20 doesn't talk like Jar Jar Binks, after he made a sarcastic comment about how he wasn't a Rebel, he was Jar Jar Binks in disguise after Captain Obvious (Rebel #21) said that Rebel #20 was a Rebel
Rebel #23 Rebel #23 agrees with Rebel #20 that they should stop talking and start killing some Imperials. After all, the Imperials leaders are all easting lunch in the same spot not very far off. All very EASY targets.
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Rebel #30 Rebel #30 says that they're going to finally attack the Rebels, and for once the Rebels actually DO something.
Rebel #35
Rebel #35: I third that motion to take a motion that a motion should be taken when more than 25 rebels appear out of no where.
Frank Reporter Frank Reporter is Fred Reporter's younger brother. They both appear in issue 12 to cover the battle. Fred stays at the scene where the Imperial leaders are eating their lunches, and are viciously and suddenly attacked. Frank Reporter reports the death toll and losses from the Death Star III
Rebel #71 Rebel #71 sets off a thermal detonator in a desperate last attempt to kill the Imperials, as the Rebels are now losing somehow. The blast killed him and anyone else who wasn't a main character.
Ima Cameraman Ima Cameraman became the host of the battle in episode 12 when the original host, Fred Reporter left, and his co-host, BOB got fired. He was actually a very good reporter. So good in fact that BOB tried to hire him.
Ima Cameraman's Brother
Ima Cameraman's Brother is the brother of Ima Cameraman. He was the cameraman for Frank Reporter at the Death Star III until he quit along with his brother, Fred. So after Ima Cameraman reported the end of the battle over where the Imperial Leaders were eating lunch, Ima Cameraman's Brother had to report at the Death Star III.
General Johnson General Johnson is one of the main characters in the issue 13 post-battle meeting. Apparently he likes to do a little cross-dressing on weekends. He only shows up in issue 13, along with several other characters. Issue 13 was the start of Admiral Bob III. It was also the first episode in which we killed Jar Jar.
Colonel Wilson Colonel Wilson only has one line in Episode 13. He's not even funny. Just a character I threw in there for padding, to make Issue 13 longer, and to make the meeting larger.
Colonel Mustard Colonel Mustard's name joke is pretty obvious. He is one of the main characters in the meeting is issue 13. That is the only episode he shows up in though. He's a sarcastic, quick-thinking guy, who loves insulting General Johnson, despite the rank difference. He has two brothers, Colonel Ketchup and Colonel Relish.
Admiral Frank II
Admiral Frank II is in the navy. Sergant Williams is in the army. They are both in the meeting in issue 13, and obviously there is much tension between them...
Sergant Williams Sergant Williams is in the army. In issue 13, Admiral Frank II is in the navy. There is a lot of tension between them. Sergant Williams: Well, you don't see people buying little plastic NAVY men do you?
Sergant Fred Sergant Fred only has one line. That's in issue 13 when he is in favor of quitting the meeting and going out to get ice cream. YAY!!! Everyone loves ice cream!
Colonel Ketchup
Colonel Ketchup appears only in issue 13. He is Colonel Mustard's brother, but he is a Rebel, quite like the Imperial Commando-Blue Leader relationship. Later on in the issue he becomes an Imperial, since the Imperials are going out for ice cream. YAY! Everyone loves ice cream!!!
Colonel Corn Colonel Corn was a silly character in issue 13. When everyone was going out to get ice cream, he appeared. When Imperial Commando reminded him that he's been fired, he said oh, right, then began telling a story. And was promptly shot. I did NOT get the name from Catch 22. It was many months AFTER I created this character that I read the book. Besides, that's spelled Colonel Korn, with a 'k'.
Colonel Relish Colonel Relish is Colonel Ketchup and Colonel Mustard's brother. Like them, he only appears in issue 13. In fact, other than the main characters, the only character who actually MADE it past issue 13 was Admiral Bob III... then he started getting sick and missing every issue... He also orders 46 scoops of pickle ice cream. EEWWW!
Blue FourBlue Four is only in issue 15, When Competing E-Zine Editors Meet, Part II. He walks in, asks what's going on. Takes a sheet of paper from the Imperials, and hauls arse outta there. Unfortunately he doesn't make it, and Darth kills him. Yay!
Voice Imperial Commando: All right, shoot!
Voice: AUUUGGHHHH!!!!(falls in a crumpled heap)
Imperial Commando: Oops. I wasn't talking to you Boba Fett.
Boba Fett No fan fic would be complete without our all-time favorite character Boba Fett. Especially if he kills someone by accident. So in issue 16, he DOES kill someone by accident. It is an un-named person who we just call Voice, but that's okay, because he was killed by Boba Fett!
Front Desk Person The Front Desk Person is an Imperial who works at the front desk near Imperial Commando's office. He only appeared in issue 16. When a person shows up, he'll let them shoot the Gungans. If a Gungan shows up, then he has them sit down and fill out a gigantic pile of forms. Pretty clever, eh?
Person #1 Person #1 is a human that walks up to The Front Desk Person in issue 16. He wonders how the FDP knows his name and gets a strange look. He is great at blasters, so he wants to be a storm trooper. He says he's really bad at flying TIE Fighters, so of course his new job is flying TIE Fighters.
Han Solo Han Solo appears more in the Special Editions that I published my first summer, but he has also appeared in episode 16 where the Rebels are discovering that the Imperials have everything, absolutely EVERYTHING planned.
worker #1Worker #1 was only in issue 17, the issue where they were making the thousands of lunches that Imperial Commando was gonna eat. Worker #1 was one of the guys preparing the lunches.
Worker #2 Worker #2 is ALSO one of the workers preparing all the lunches in issue 17. He only has one line though, and it's not even funny.
Worker #12 Worker #12 is ALSO one of the workers in issue 17 who prepares lunches. All the workers between 2 and 12 get mentioned, but they don't have any lines so I'm not including them here, for a very important reason. I've MENTIONED over 1,000,000 people total in The Empire. But there's only a little over 200(and increasing every week, but not by much) characters that have actually had lines. You know, I've had more characters than I have subscribers! QUICK, SUBSCRIBE ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!!
Worker #13 Worker #13 is just another worker who brings in a gigantic load of lunches for Imperial Commando. He only has one line.
Worker #14See Worker #13(above).
Worker #15See Worker #14(above).
Worker #16See Worker #15(above).
Worker #17Worker #17 has a couple lines but they're only for padding. He says so himself!
Ed Reporter Ed Reporter is the latest in the whole Reporter family joke. He is there to report the battle in issue 18, and an experienced reader will know that he will either be fired, killed, or he'll quit by the end of the issue. Heh. Heh. Wait, he's there again in issue 24... D'OH!
Joe Reporter Of course, THESE days we have to kill off the Reporter kids two at a time. If you wanna read for yourself oh these turned oout, go to the archives page, and click on Episode 18. I can put in the exact URL, because it may change, and I don't want to have to go changing every reference to it when I change it.
John Newscaster John Newscaster makes his debut in issue 18. He claims he was sent in by Imperial Commando so that there...would be more characters, but later admits that he's just a Rebel trying to infiltrate this so called "The Empire" which he hears is so funny.
Rebel A-Wing Pilot In the legendary battle of issue 18, where Imperial Commando ate something like 10,000 lunches, at first the Rebels were all standing around bickering over who should attack first. Rebel A-wing Pilot was one of those Rebels(DUH!)
Rebel X-Wing Pilot It is rumored that there once was a Rebel who was better than the rest. A Rebel who was stronger, faster, better at combat. A Rebel so powerful that he had no equal in strength or speed. Needless to say, Rebel X-Wing Pilot was NOT this Rebel. He was just another one of the bickering Rebels in episode 18.
Rebel Y-Wing Pilot Rebel Y-Wing Pilot is really no different from the other Rebel Pilots that are standing around arguing in episode 18. I really have nothing new or insightful to say about him. In fact, all I'm doing right now is taking up space so it looks like I put more work than I really did.
Neon Black Leader Neon Black Leader led his squadron to attack the announcer's booth in the episode 18 battle. I'm not telling you if they were successful or not though. That would spoil all the fun of finding out for yourself how they died.. err.. quit.
Indigo Leader Indigo Leader is a Rebel in issue 18, but he and the rest of his squadron convert to Imperials, and take part in the party over at the Death Star, celebrating another Imperial victory... even though they lost.
Indigo Two Indigo Two is a Rebel, who converted to Imperial after the issue 18 battle. In other words, Indigo Two is cool. Very cool. Except he gets shot after 5 minutes being an Imperial. Heh. Heh.
Indigo Three Indigo Three... well, you probably already read Indigo Leader and Indigo Two's bios. Indigo Three is no different. He converted to Imperialism at the end of issue 18.
Indigo Four Indigo Four, of course being part of the squadron that converts to Imperialism, only has one line. Lots of these side-characters have only one line.
Indigo Five Indigo Five... I have nothing at all original to say about him. He is just like the other Indigo Squadron guys.
Indigo Six See Indigo Five.(above)
Indigo Seven See Indigo Six.(above)
Crowd Ah yes, the famous "crowd" of issue 19. They were the crowd that Imperial Commando addressed when he talked to the public about the loss of the battle in issue 18.
Ima Questioner Ima Questioner asked Imperial Commando some dumb questions in issue 19 when he addressed the almighty "crowd". Yup.
Fred Questioner In issue 19, Fred Questioner asked Imperial Commando some stupid question when he addressed the crowd. So did Ima Questioner.
Imperial Commando 2 Imperial Commando 2 showed up in issue 19 as a very unfunny Imperial Commando who wanted to change The Empire so that it was less funny. As you can tell, I wrote issue 19 on VERY little sleep.
Crowd #1 Crowd #1 was the crowd in issue 19 that supported Imperial Commando. The REAL Imperial Commando.
Crowd #2 Crowd #2 is the crowd in issue 19 that supported Imperial Commando 2. Pretty clever huh?
Darth Vader's Sidekick, George Darth Vader's Sidekick, George only had one line in issue 19, when they were trying to figure out which Imperial Commando to keep. It's a long story, check out the bio for Imperial Commando, and Imperial Commando 2, right below him.
Waiter There was a Waiter in issue 20. He took the orders for Imperial Commando and Darth Vader. The Emperor was being too much of an idiot to be bothered. It was a pretty funny sequence at the beginning of the issue, so check it out.
Waiter Jr. His father, Waiter, appeared in issue 20, Waiter Jr. Appeared in issue 21. Waiter got fired at the end of issue 20. That wasn't bad grammar either.. heh.
"Super" Waiter "Super" Waiter is really Waiter Jr. He's probably insane though. He became "Super" Waiter after he was annoyed by the main characters a bit too much...
Super Waiter II Super Waiter II mysteriously appeared shortly after "Super" Waiter did his thing in issue 21. At about this time, the issue stopped making any sense at all, whatsoever.
Super Wai. Super Waiter III appears shortly after Super Waiter II in issue 21. He's crazy. They're ALL crazy...
Super Waiter IV Super Waiter IV is one of the many "Super Waiters" that appear in issue 21. He only has one line.
Super Waiter V Super Waiter V, much like all the other Super Waiters only has one line and is completly useless. He was just put in there for some EXTREMELY off-the-wall humor. I think I succeeded in the off-the-wall part....
Ed Bobson Ed Bobson was interviewed by John in issue 23. He ended up getting the job TIE Fighter pilot, since he's so bad at that. I think that was the last we ever heard from poor ol' Ed Bobson.
Instructor Instructor was the instructor of the TIE Fighter pilot classes that Jar Jar Binks took in issue 23. We were looking for different ways of killing Jar Jar at the time. Jar Jar has been a TIE pilot multiple times, but was only trained once. Don't worry though, it was a four day crash course. Literally.
Albert Einstein That's right, even Albert Einstein had a part in The Empire, albeit very small. He only had three lines. Like thousands of other characters I've had, Albert Einstein was killed. Poor guy.
TIE Fighter Pilots TIE Fighter Pilots isn't really a character, just a bunch of characters, much like the Crowd of issue 19. The pilots collectively only had two lines.
TF Pilot #1 TF stands for TIE Fighter. TF Pilot #1 asked a silly question about the battle that was about to happen in issue 24. He only had one line.
TF Pilot #2 TF Pilot #2, like TF Pilot #1(above) asked a question about the battle in issue 24. That's the only line he had.
New Pi Two In issue 24, Pi Leader was told his epidermis was showing, and died. So Pi Three became the new Pi Two.
Aquamarine Leader Aquamarine Leader was supposed to die in issue 24. The special effects for that issue were so cheap that he was supposed to SHOUT Boom. He thought that was very funny.
Aquamarine Two Aquamarine Two thought that it was pretty damn funny how cheap issue 24's special effects were too. In fact, he died of laughter in that issue.
TK-469 TK-469 only has one line in issue 24, and it's not at all important. It's not even good enough to be considered filler. He just says "Leave that to me."
Zeta Leader Zeta Leader asks why Zeta seven shouted boom when he blew up in issue 24.
Zeta Seven Zeta Seven explains that The Empire has REALLY cheap special effects so that's why he SHOUTED Boom when he blew up. It was part of a joke, okay?
Private Ryan Private Ryan threw up in issue 24, because the Imperials attacked so much. After all, the Imperials said to attack the Rebels until they puke!
Private Bronsted Private Bronsted was the Rebel in issue 24 that killed Jar Jar Binks, who was Alpha Leader at the time.
AK-47 AK-47 is a joke name for a Storm Trooper. You know like TK-421... AK-47...
TK-421 In The Empire I have done very little in the way of advertising anything OTHER than The Empire. However in issue 24, I DID advertize the E-Zine TK-421, since it is after all an IMPERIAL E-Zine.
Mon Mothra Who is Mon Mothra anyway? That name sounds vaguely familiar. Anyway, in The Empire, Mon Mothra asks about the Rebels' losses in the issue 24 battle.
Rebel Scum That's right, Rebel Scum. Someone makes a mention of that "Rebel Scum" in issue 25 and Rebel Scum takes offense at that.
Elian Gonzalez
Elian Gonzalez... Remember him? back when he was all over headlines, I got incredibly sick of hearing about him. So did everyone else, but I was more vocal about it. Well, I wasn't vocal, but I was.. um... type-l... whatever. He just ran by and said "Daddy!" in episode 25.
Pikachu Holy God... did he REALLY have Pikachu in The Empire? You bet your shower caps I did. He just ran by and said "Pika Pika!". For some reason I thought that would be funny. hmm.
Bulbasaur As long as I was being random in issue 25, I decided to have Bulbasaur pop in and say Bulbasaur. However by now the characters were getting irrate, so Bulbasaur got shot before he could say his entire name. It was pretty funny, I guess.
Waiter Person In case you haven't already noticed, I am incredibly uncreative when it comes to names. I've had what... 12 Bobs? Also when I don't have to, I just don't come up with a name. Like Waiter Person in issue 25, or Front Desk Person, or Imperial dude.
Jimmy Hoffa Jimmy Hoffa once made a guest appearance on The Empire. He faked his disappearance after an unlucky night of gambling. He owed lots of people money, including Imperial Commando.
Hamlet Even Shakespear's Hamlet made an appearance on The Empire. He pondered whether "To be, or not to be." Right before he was shot. Guess that answered THAT question, huh?
Little Red Sprite Little Red Sprite is one of many Sprites that shows up in episode 26. He only has one line, but it's the start of a rather bizarre joke involving several colors of Sprites. What is a sprite anyway? I just drink sprite.
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