Saturday, June 15, 2002

Stupid, stupid me...

Have you ever had a time when you sort of drift through a day without much emotion, then reach the end of it, look back on one or two events and suddenly think "What the hell did I do that for?"

Yesterday, I was a total wreck. I had a major essay to finish (which was already a day late...), I had to order the pizza for the BSU's movie night, I had to run to the lab for a few hours and check on my flies, I had to prepare for the BSU meeting... But actually, it wasn't that much to do, if you really think about it. Except I was running on about 3 hours of sleep each of the past 4 nights... and I was majorly suffering from writer's block, the worst I've ever had.

Nevertheless, I got through the day. Finished the essay (poorly, but it's done), went to the lab (didn't get as much done as I would've liked -- feel a little guilty about that, but... oh well), and made my first ever pizza delivery order over the phone (is that a surprise??). Ran a little late and totally unprepared to the BSU meeting -- but ended up being the first one there anyway, go figure. =P The meeting flew by... definitely didn't do a good job of conducting that meeting, especially since the stuffiness of the room sucked the life out of my brain... but it was somewhat productive, I guess. Then we had a massive common room clean-up -- attacked the monsters in the microwave and everything. (Big thanks to the BSU exec!) Inhaled a little too much Lysol... Then pizza/movie night -- watched The Others. Creepy movie -- expected we'd have a comedy last night, but didn't turn out that way. Still decent movie though (Al and I overanalyzed it to death on the phone last night, which is the kinda movie I like -- one that make me think).

So, yeah, survived it sort of unemotionally. Then had a moment to sit down and breathe... and it suddenly hit me that I said some of the stupidest things I've ever said in my life all day long. Made the corniest cracks, my sense of humour drier than usual... Laughed at my own stupid jokes, interrupted people talking, acted all greedy for attention and a little demanding... All the sort of things you just know everyone'll talk behind your back about once you leave the room -- and yes, everyone does gossip about other people (it's just another fact of life). Also did a bunch of stupid things I didn't realize at the time... But know what? I'm not going to list all the details cuz I just don't wanna remember 'em.

The day's over and people will hopefully excuse and forget my step outta my "respectable" (yeah, whatever!) character. But... what if not?? Oh dear oh dear...

Thursday, June 20, 2002

Midterm

And of course, it only gets better from here... Another midterm down the drain... Of course, I should've studied harder (how many times have you heard that line?) but life's short and summer's here -- gotta have some fun. ;) Scary to think that next Friday night's my last midterm as an undergrad... Hehheh, another one of those sentimental "oh, those were the days" thoughts. The swamp of course registration and textbook buying and "first lecture of the semester" newness and then midterm cramming... It's weird thinking that this may all never happen again. I might actually miss sitting on the floor in the middle of the busy AQ with my headphones and meditation music, leaning against a wall, eyes closed, half-praying that I pass, half-drilling those last-minute pnemonics (e.g. King Philip Comes Over For Great Sex -- Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species. thank you, mrs. naso, bio 11) into my head so I can scribble them down as soon as I get my intimidating green exam booklet. Hmm... actually, no, I won't miss it one bit! *laf*

So, I had my 3-hour carcinogenesis midterm today -- yep, 3 hours, more like a final than anything =P -- and half of the class was still scribbling like mad when I left around 2 hours, 45 minutes. But like I said, it only gets better from here... it can't get any worse now, can it?

It's like new!!

Yeaaaaa, I can't believe this... I actually got facilities management (through Brian Medford, who I owe a million thanks) to paint over the wallpaper of obscene graffiti in the bio common room! So now I feel like I've accomplished something as student union prez, heehee... and now I can sit back and do nothing! =D (j/j) Well, the painting's needed to be done for ages, and I'm glad it's finally done. It actually does look pretty good without the crap and sexual innuendos, but kinda too bad I never got around to reading it all. ;) After a week, the room's still fairly clean, too, and I'm being totally anal about keeping it that way! It just ticks me off how people can be so inconsiderate. If you spill something in the microwave, dude, wipe it up, dammit! Don't let it cake up and mold over for the next person. Actually, there was this quiet guy who took his napkin and wiped up the little splatters from his soup on the table 2 days ago, and I just wanted to hug him for being such a sweetie. But don't get me wrong; I'm a nutcase when it comes to keeping the room clean, but I ain't no neat freak once things ultimately get messed up (just see my room!).

So, anyhow, it all gets better from here...

In the paper...

There are only three sections of the newspaper I read everyday: entertainment, comics, sports. Pretty pathetic for a med school hopeful, eh? But anyhow, I leafed through the sports section yesterday and, as if by reflex, I ripped out a full-page spread of... yeah, you guessed it: #16!! Here I am, just entering my early 20's and still mad over a completely dreamy married hockey player. Ok ok, NOT REALLY. I just admire him for what he stands for -- he's just generally a nice guy, right? He cares about the community, he takes time for his fans, and no matter what anyone says, he can still play hockey (look what he did for the 'Nucks in the playoffs when ol' Markus stank like old socks =D). And I still remember Stanley Cup '94... Anyhow, there was this whole spread about him and his golf yesterday, and I'm keeping it with the other articles... hehheh... But YES, it's honestly only admiration for a respectable person. No mistaking for a school-girl crush! (Not really...)

And it only gets better...

ER

I did my first shift in the ER on Monday. Can't spill much because of patient confidentiality and everything, but... well, didn't see anything gory on my first day. However, the place was definitely busier than I was told to expect, and there were lots of frustrated people because of the wait. The hardest part was probably figuring out my boundaries as a volunteer. The PCC and the triage nurse were always so occupied, I couldn't just sit down and ask them questions for half an hour as I would've liked. Nevertheless, I love it. I mean, I don't love seeing people sick or in pain in that sense, but I love feeling useful and knowing I can do a little bit to make other people's lives a little easier -- a little more comfortable, even. I already sort of miss my old job of visitng the patients on the main floors of the hospital because that was a cool learning experience in itself, hearing people's life stories and everything. But this new placement just feels right -- it's exactly what I need at this time in my life, with my mind and body and spirit all over the place in turmoil! Sometimes I really don't know where I'm going and who I am. In comparison, the ER can actually feel more stable -- it's where I feel like I have a purpose!

And yes, it can only get better from here...

Lab meeting

Yesterday in lab meeting, we had chocolate cheesecake in honour of Wendy's birthday, as well as awesome cupcakes that Jill made. I was starved all day long, so I attacked the food as soon as I could get my hands on it. But seriously, remind me next time that I love sweet things, not huge rich dairy chunks... The slice was waaaaayyyy too big for me. My poor GI tract...

But it was all good! And yes, better it gets... somehow. ;)

Al...

So, tomorrow, it's lunch and movie/Playstation at Al's. He complains that I don't say much about him in my entries, so there, I mentioned him. =D

I was just chatting briefly with a good friend on ICQ about relationships and singlehood and stuff... And once again, I've realized something. =) I am very, very, very grateful to have Al in my life. He's sweet and kind and wonderful... and he appreciates me for who I am -- makes me feel like I'm someone special, despite all my insecurities. BUT... I also know that there's nothing wrong with being single, and I don't need to depend on him to stand on my own two feet. In fact, being single has its own advantages and there's all this freedom you never really appreciate until you're locked in a relationship. =D BUT seriously, even though I know I'd have survived and even been happy if I'd never known Al, he's only made my life better and even happier, especially cuz he's my best friend first before anything else. =)

And it will all still get better than this...

It only gets better from here??

What the heck am I talking about...?

After studying cancer all week -- no, make that all 4 hours of this morning -- and volunteering at the hospital, I've gained a greater appreciation for my life and my health. Seriously, sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be me right now. I'm not suffering in fear of getting nail-bombed on a bus in the Middle East, I never had to struggle against leukemia like some of the unfortunate kids of the world who don't even get to see their 20th birthday... and sometimes I have to read my story to remind myself. I know that someday I'll probably end up a diabetic like the majority of the women in my family, and suffer a stroke or from some form of cancer, but until then, I'm healthy now. And I'm still one of the luckiest girls in the world... And though, honestly, a lot of my life seems so dark right now, it's all going to get better. The future has promise... right? Maybe not my future, but the future. And that's something to look forward to...

Saturday, June 22, 2002

Trust

Things almost got a lil' outta hand yesterday... but a big hug of appreciation for the respect and composure to you-know-who-you-are. ;)

The degree of closeness in any relationship (between family, friends, lovers) is directly proportional to the degree of trust between the parties involved... non? The trust that another person won't take advantage of you, won't spread your secrets (unless they judge your well-being to be in danger), won't spread rumours about you and talk behind your back, won't lie to you, won't make you feel like the scum of the earth, won't let you feel alone in the world for a second, won't be afraid to tell you that they care and that they love you, won't betray you... And sometimes just being able to trust one single person in this way is all we ever really need to keep us going... =)

The Olds

The 1980 Oldsmobile Cutless Crusier station wagon brought me home from the hospital, carried me to my baptism and first holy communion and confirmation, carted me to school and piano lessons and string orchestra performances and catechism classes and birthday parties and what-not, braced itself through the weeks I first learned to drive (ha, never drove up the curb with it, but my brother sure did!)... It suffered a major head-on collision when it was less than a year old on an American freeway and gave my mom amnesia (damn drunk driver was going the wrong way...), was rear-ended by a boat-tugging pickup truck when it was about 2 yrs. -- just hasn't been side-swiped. ;) That car's older than me! Yet it's still chugging along. Mechanics and supposed "car-experts" (which I'm not) say that it's definitely a good automobile -- maybe even of better workmanship than in the cars you find nowadays. They tell us to keep it cuz we'll never find anything like it ever again.

But the darn hulking thing bears lotsa lil' health problem as it ages. =P It's now got a new engine, new carbuerator (sp?), etc. -- barely anything significant in that car was part of the original. Yet you can't exactly shove new organs into a body and expect them all to work together, eh? So... basically, it's getting old. The real problem? My parents won't give it up. Weekend after weekend, they drag it off to Firestone, or Vancouver Brake and Wheel, or Speedy, or my uncle... but if one thing gets fixed, another thing falls apart. You would think that after years and years, they'd have been able to use the money to buy a new one! But still they won't give it up...

But... how do you get rid of something with so much sentimental value? How do you replace such a thing...?

Sunday, June 30, 2002

Kin 461 Midterm

I spent the past week cramming 7 weeks worth of distance ed. material into my little brain and, by Friday night, I was in major panic about my preparedness. But lo and behold, I ended up over-prepared. =P The exam was so friggin' easy... I screwed it up. AURGGGGHHHH. I had so much to say for each short-essay question, smoke was literally flying outta my pen after the first hour, and 6-feet high flames by the end of the second hour. And I ended up rushing through the last two long-essay questions... and I didn't really finish either of them... *sigh*

But where's the justice in SFU scheduling a 2-hour midterm for the late Friday night right before Canada Day long-weekend?? That was sooooo cruel, I swear. Oh, one other thing I learned from this midterm: I've got a huge phobia of those blank, lined, recycled-paper exam booklets. I freak whenever I see one! I mean, I prefer my exams to be typed out with big whopping, un-lined space allotted for each question, instead of being given a question sheet and an exam booklet -- y' know what I mean? Ah, whatever...

But otherwise, although it can be awfully depressing learning about the physiological changes of the aging elderly, it's all so fascinating. Loss of bladder control, loss of reproductive function ;)... This was actually the most interesting section. =D It's the first bio textbook I've read that doesn't deal much with the actual reproductive part of the reproductive system, but more with the "other" part... or, more specifically, the loss of ability to do the other part... ;) But never mind, I'm just being silly.

Seattle

Another family automobile torture chamber yesterday. =P However, there were huge mall sales down in the States, so maybe it wasn't all that bad, eh? The Canadian conversion was horrible, so didn't buy much anyway... except a huge jar of peanut butter (made without hydrogenated oils and containing no trans-fatty acids, mind you). The most interesting part was in coming back over the border. We were stopped and told to pop the trunk because they suspected we had full boxes back there, especially when my dad only claimed $7 worth of peanut butter.

Rambling on...

Was just thinking about my last entry and "trust"... I think that, although so much emphasis in society is placed on how much parents trust their kid, the closeness of a relationship also depends on how much a kid trusts his/her parents. I mean, if we don't trust that our parents are doing what is best for us, then of course we grumble about the way they treat us. And sometimes parents aren't worthy of our trust too! Especially when it's so obvious that they don't respect us enough to listen to our opinions or when they go out of their way to make us feel like the scum of the earth. So when my parents tell me they don't trust a thing I say or do, I feel like retaliating and telling 'em how much I don't trust 'em either... ;)

Banging on the walls... when the 'rents are out.... I can be a little loud sometimes, I know. Big apologies to Al for the parking lot incident. But I'm not embarrassed, dude! It was actually kinda funny, heehee. Maybe I was a lil' high... ;) However, he did get me back by hitting me in the face with the basketball while we were shooting hoops. =P

And BTW, I need to learn to control myself when I get those wild impulses. ;) No, seriously! Lately I've just said and done things without really thinking until later when it's too late. Oh, I like what scatterbrain (on AA) called them: verbal farts. Perfect! I know I've heard that lotsa times before, but it didn't come back to me until I was reading her page a lil' while ago. =D But yeah, fits it all perfectly.

Thank you millions, hon, for dinner Friday night and for the pre-midterm relaxation session =D. Big points to Al for saying that I'm hotter than Briteny Spears -- even if he's lying. Hehheh...

Looks like the BSU's not going white water rafting after all. =( But now we're thinking maybe a Stanely Park afternoon or something.

I'm really beginning to freak out about flying... Maybe I'll just walk to Florida instead, eh? Seriously, even before 9.11.01, flying freaked me out. Especially after a horrible landing in Vegas 2 years ago, when our plane came down on its side, tilted onto its other side, then back and forth... then the pilot totally took off again up to 10,000 feet (or maybe not... well, it was back up high anyway!). And all that time, the pilot said absolutely nothing to us about what was happening. A lot of us panicked that some maniac took over controls. So, finally, he came on and told us that he had to take off again because we landed funny (okie dokie...) and we'd hafta try landing again. SO.... he totally circled all of Vegas (okie, maybe not all, but it was a big circle =P) and "tried" to land again. Well, by then, I was freaked out that we wouldn't be able to land again... then we'd circle again, run outta fuel, and all be doomed! But of course, the second try was successful... I'm alive... but definitely scarred for life. ;)