Saturday, June 1st, 2002
Summer + Dez = AURRRGGGHHHH!!!
Why am I always taking on more than I can handle??? =P Y' see, I feel restless if I'm sitting or lying around doing nothing, so I keep myself busy. I'm a chronic multi-tasker who can't
watch TV without doing something else simultaneously, even reading a book. When I'm in bed trying to fall asleep, my mind's always going a mile a minute, reflecting on the day gone by,
trying to plan for the future, going over lecture notes, etc. -- and consequently, it takes me at least an hour to hit dreamland. And honestly, my mind's so active even in sleep,
I have some of the most vivid dreams of anyone I know. Sometimes they're so realistic that I confuse what I've dreamed about with what's actually occurred in reality. Sometimes
I even end up experiencing déjà vu -- but I'm no psychic.
Anyhow, I get restless fairly easily. Even when I procrastinate (my #1 hobby!), I always do something productive -- isn't that ironic? So, I thought that this, my final semester at
SFU, would be an opportunity to relax a little and enjoy the campus environment. The PreMed Society is on hiatus for the summer and I don't have to update the website for awhile,
and I even dropped 2 courses (psych & spanish) so I'd have a little more time... but I was so wrong.
My priorities this semester... (in no particular order):
Hours in the lab, working with itty-bitty Drosophila flies for 498 Undergrad Research -- hours that I actually enjoy and am getting lots of learning experiences from. Just takes
up more time than I expected. It's almost like having a job and taking courses at the same time. Lab meetings... journal club discussions... But yeah, it's all good.
Running the SFU Biology Student Union (BSU). Could anyone ever believe that someday I would be president of something??? I don't know if I was ever cut out to be a leader. =D But I'm taking
this as a whole different learning experience -- almost like a challenge, really. The biggest challenge so far? Attempting to chase down the Coke company to fill our dang pop machine, leaving
bitchy messages on their answering machine the past month!
Volunteering at RCH. I've learned a lot visiting with the patients -- I've especially gained a greater appreciation for life. Sometimes it's just so hard to leave!
Studying for the MCAT in August... AURRGGGHHH, I kept putting it off. SO... it's really come down to "now or never" since I need to start med school applications before October (darn UBC =P).
But how can I expect myself to recall all that 1st year physics and chemistry within the next 2.5 months??
Keeping up with my 2 kinesiology courses -- likely my final 2 courses ever at SFU. Feels kinda weird having only 2 courses (actually 3 counting the undergrad research, but whatever) after
5 straight semesters of 5 courses! But so many research essays to write -- l-o-n-g ones, too. =( Grrrr... And sitting through a 3 hour-lecture during a sunny summer afternoon? =P
Going through with my "piano plan", which I've told only Al & Kev about. Yes I will go through with it... I think I can, I think I can. =)
Completing my Mickey & Friends cross-stitch by the end of the semester. It's sure taking me longer than I planned. =P
Filling out graduation applications, worrying about job and med school applications, keeping in touch with pals, getting re-acquainted with old ones, squeezing in some much-needed
calorie-burning physical activity, etc. etc.
The list actually goes on, but I can't waste any more of my precious little time typing them up, eh? Basically... I just take on more than I can handle. Why is that? On top of my "priorities", I volunteer
for numerous one-day events around the school, and attend events like SFU Theater contemporary arts shows or free-food socials during time I should actually use studying! I also worry about BSU matters
I should just let other exec members deal with and I have a hard time saying "no". Consequently, I stress out,
I throw myself into a totally pathetic vortex of paranoia and worry and verbal complaints, and I neglect the people I care about most (and in turn, piss 'em off -- I'm so sorry, y' guys!).
And somehow... everything always turns out okay in the end -- most often better than I expect -- after sleepless nights and early-early-early morning cram sessions. Yet I know that this is definitely
not the way to live. So why do I keep doing this to myself??? Through high school... worse through university.... aaaurggghhh.... I feel restless if I'm not doing anything at all, yet I feel like kicking the
wall and pulling out my hair when I'm busier than I can handle.
I originally partially intended this website to be some kind of stress-reliever -- a break
from all the chaos. And it's been fun, yeah. But it also takes up a chunk of time! =D BUT IT'S ALL GOOD. Uh-huh. Hmmm... my #1 priority of all this summer? Staying sane. ;)
Oh, by the way, once finals and the MCAT are over, I'm outta here. Florida, here I come!!!! Woo-hoo!!!!!! Maybe I won't even come home... ;)
Friday, June 7th, 2002
Am I nerd???
Maybe. =D From my last entry, I received lots of lil' notes telling me to take it easy, "remember there's more to life than just work work work", etc. And I do appreciate the word
of reminder, really, thanx. But there comes a time in life when you just hafta work your ass off, and my time is right now. Trust me, I enjoy kicking back, hanging out, procrastinating with the best of 'em. But
right now, I've gotta do what I gotta do... ;)
And in 3 months... I'll be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee -- and laughing in everybody's face. =D Okie, looking for a job and appartment, and med school applications and stuff... But no more school!!!!!!!!!!! And this year, I swear, for once, I'm gonna celebrate
my own birthday in style. ;) Anybody with me?? hehheh... Just remind me not to drink on an empty stomach again... *groan*...
Convocation
Standing outside, suffering the chill of a sudden half-hour freak wind-and-rain blast during an otherwise sunny day, I watched fellow science students march across a "stage", shake
sweaty hands with a bunch of people, and then return to their seat in an orderly fashion. And I was so damn proud of all of them. Heck, I give credit to anyone who has
the nerve to attend their own grad ceremony and...
don the grad cap that flatters nobody, emphasizes receding hairlines, and makes a bad hair day even worse
sit through an hour worth of speeches from "important" people they've never heard of or met in their life
sit through another hour as hundreds of unknown students have their names read out and cross the "stage" (in the mean time, butt's going numb in the hard folding chair...)
bask in the glow of their 15 seconds of fame when, finally, they get to cross the stage themselves and stretch out those legs from sitting so long
suffer the embarrassment of hearing crowd members cheering and clapping for the other students but being hit with a wall of silence when it's their own turn to cross the stage ("Mommy, daddy, why are you booing me???")
overwork those cheek muscles for a plastered smile that tells the crowd and the cameras "Wow, I've finally graduated. I'm so happy" when all they really want is to get out of the silly uniform and go home and watch Oprah
watch the Dean's medal being handed to a young 18-year-old prodigy who's overcome adversity, volunteered at a homeless shelter, travelled to every single country of the world, and still achieved a perfect 4.33 GPA with a full courseload each semester in the span of 3 years --
and all they can think is "Why couldn't that be me? Why didn't I work harder?? Damn him! Damn her!!! I could've gotten that medal! Grrrr..."
(Okay, none of that is really funny. =P But I've had a long week and I'm exhausted, so DEAL WITH IT.)
But seriously, I was so proud of them. Quite a few of them did look sincerely pleased with their accomplishments and they definitely should be! This particular ceremony
was especially special to me because it's the first time I knew a huge chunk of the graduating group. I know what these people have gone through; I've had several classes with many
of them and we've struggled through countless assignments and exams together. Honestly, I was just so damn proud to see them officially being recognized for their hard work, even for only a few seconds of their lives!
Special congrats to Reza, Candice, Andrew, Christiana, Poh... and several other people I know I'm missing. You guys are leaving me behind!! Nofe-air!!
But y' know what? Reality set in today... That's gonna be me (hopefully) crossing the stage in 4 months. Holy crap... although, I haven't yet decided if I'm going to my own grad or not. =D Nevertheless, it's only 2.5 more months of courses at SFU... 4 more months 'til
I'm no longer an undergrad... Wow... And it's damn right scary. Help!!
And I just realized that nobody may show up to root specifically for me at my grad anyway. I mean, everyone's busy with school and work during the day, and there aren't many people I know graduating in October (most of them graduated today)... so who exactly would I be walking across that stage for
anyway???? I could always just get the degree mailed to me... Okay, everyone and anyone is invited to show up for my grad, k? Heehee... If I can find at least 10 people I know who'll be there, I'll go. ;)
The Future...
It totally hit me a couple of times this week (and especially today) that I really, really, really want to get into med school at McGill. In fact, I almost feel like I need to. I'd be happy getting into any med school, but I'd never feel as elated
as I'd be getting into McGill. It's my ultimate dream... Plus, I really, really, really, really need to get away from everything "here" for awhile... I dunno... there's this something inside of me telling me I won't know what I really want from life or the purpose of my life
until I fulfill my dream. I'll only keep hurting myself and the one's I really really really care about the longer things remain as they are... me grounded here forever...
Florida!!
Plans are totally set & I'll be in Florida in only a few short months! Of course, hitting Walt Disneyworld -- always a kid at heart. ;) It never grows old on me, I swear! The last time I went to Disneyworld was after my high school grad,
so this is actually quite fitting that I'll be going around my university grad, eh? (Maybe not... I should be "older" and more "mature" now, right? But whatever! =D) Also hitting up Sea World and Universal Studios, including the highly-publicized
roller coasters at Island of Adventure -- damn, I live for coasters! I love speed, I love the thrill of pseudo-danger -- it'll all rock. Plus, it'll be a chance to work on the tan a lil' (although August is Florida typhoon season...) and just be freeeeeeeee.
A total kick-back time following 3 brutal years of work work work before I actually hafta start looking for real work. =D
But I swear... I'm totally freaked out about flying. It's not even funny. =( I may just have a massive anxiety attach before I even board the plane... *sigh*
Tuesday, June 11th, 2002
Random Reflections...
Okay, so I took the day off and I've been sitting here at my computer for a couple of hours, home alone... la dee da dee dum... Trying to start my essay on elderly people and how they eventually lose control over their bladders and involuntarily revert back to
peeing in their pants (or their Depends, eh Blen? -- but no offense to elderly ppl! it's all just a fact of life.) And dammit... just can't get started on this thing. I haven't done any research... I haven't pulled up journal articles like
I should've... And the paper's due in 2 days! Aurrrrggghhh... Tomorrow I've got journal club (lab meeting), gotta check on my flies... so hafta get most of it done today. Must must must... Can't fall back into the rut of cutting classes for last minute essays...
But my mind keeps wandering, my computer mysteriously keeps pulling me to check my email, my AA hits -- and YES, I've become so friggin' addicted to AA only now after 4-5 years of membership, reading everyone's page updates 'n all (go figure =P).
What's a girl to do but to give in to the impulses? Hmm?
So, basically, I just started thinking about how I come across to people, both online and in person. Why? I dunno!!! Just did. The complete strangers I've met online (chatrooms... ICQ... I even answered a personal ad once... haha....) have often labelled me as "happy" -- which must be a shock to
all those who actually know the "extremely moody, insecure, and paranoid me" in person. Strange strange... But something that totally hit me a little while ago... I talked to some ppl (on different occasions) about how I wasn't too sure I could spend the rest of my life
doing research in a stuffy lab day after day after day... and several of them agreed that they definitely couldn't see me in a lab cuz I'm too outgoing and hyperactive for that. Scandulous, I swear!
Why? I admit, I'm not a very outspoken person. I was never the girl all the guys fell head over heels for -- or the girl that anyone really knew, for that matter. In fact, I know a lot of people consider me a shy, quiet introvert. Maybe even a total airhead at times. But in reality,
if you really get to know me, I ain't one for sitting around, hiding in my shell and doing nothing.
I may seem quiet, but I ain't very much a private person. You can usually drive anything you wanna know outta me -- not that I'm encouraging you to. ;) I can talk and talk and talk (and drive you up the wall) if you get me started. Nevertheless, people who don't know
the "real me" think I'm a quiet, reserved, serious, goody-two-shoes. Fine, their loss. Doesn't bother me anymore... well, not much anyway. ;) So it surprised me to know that there are individuals who think I ain't that way. Outgoing? Hyperactive? Me???
No way!!!
Sure, some of these individuals only know me best from those "wild" socials at which Smirnoff does all the talking (and I've been accused of immorally feeling up my BSU-prez-predecessor =P)... or those lil' sugar-parties where I don't even need the sugar to start bouncing off the walls...
But some know me in between all that... Maybe I'm just totally schizo and certain people only see the character I play on certain days. Who knows? Mebbe I'm just a brilliant actress -- fooled 'em all... =D
I've also been told that I come across as young -- I'm more often mistaken for 14-16, which ain't bad for someone who just doesn't wanna grow up, but it don't seem wildly good either. Does "young" mean "immature"??? I know I sound baby-ish on the phone (I've been told "You have to be at least
16 to volunteer here" and I'm like... "Dammit, I'm hitting my early-20's, woman!") A lot of the people I meet at SFU automatically assume I'm only in first year -- do I still appear that naive?? ;) Don't get me wrong; I'd give almost anything to be 16 again -- it was my most favourite age of all...
but it's hard for someone so immature -- or, ahem, young -- to be taken seriously. =P Yep, still haven't totally emerged from the insecurities of adolescence... haven't yet had the "wild phase" before one commits herself forever to a lifetime of husband, baby, and career (not necessarily in that order...
heehee). Maybe I'll never grow up... ;)
Anyhow, I swear, I'm all up for planning a joint bday-graduation celebration in honour of me, yours truly -- heck, they're only approx. a week apart, so why not? Maybe I'll drag everyone along to get my first official body piercing and tattoo. Any suggestions where and what? But dang... I think it was
Simon who warned me not to do it before med school interviews (not that I'm getting any anyway...) Oh well, I'm still up for doing something crazy... The piercing'll hafta wait.
I do tend to talk too much about myself in these lil' journal entries, don't I? Hehheh...
So back to elderly people peeing in their pants...
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can... No one's gonna accuse me of being in denial -- and underestimating myself, eh Al? ... Muahh ha ha...
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