Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Did ya miss me??

It's been awhile since my last entry... not that anyone reads this crap anyway?? But this student's been busy slaving over a essay on vaccines that target viral infections in both the female and male genital regions and subsequently aim to prevent the onset of related cancers. Sound exciting? Or arousing? Not even! =P

Stressin' in the lab...

Dang, got so much to say about working in the lab and the people in the lab... but most of that'll hafta be left for another time.

But everything's going at crazy-speed now. The goal is to publish a paper (i.e. big-time article in a scientific journal, duh) by the end of the semester, so the results hafta come in quick quick quick. Yet the flies ain't laying as many eggs as quickly as they should. And rounding up the virgins for major polygamous mating with the impatiently waiting gents ain't exactly easy. =P The ones that I manage to catch, they tend to get their ass stuck in the fly food in a matter of seconds. That ain't good. Also, some of my babies were supposed to eclose outta their pupal cases last Friday, but they just didn't wanna, so that put everything off a couple of days. *sigh* but I've got successful recombinants, yea! (A silver lining in every cloud, yada yada yada.)

Well, today... I got to flush the thousands of flies from our morgue-jars down the public toilets. Now that I think of it, I don't think I'm ever gonna use those ever again! (Yeah, I can hold it in, my puny bladder and all... =P). We had lab meeting and a million thanks to Worlanyo from this gal sleep-walking on a half-empty gassy stomach -- BTW, did you know I've been up since 3AM this morning? Crazy, I know. I just can't stay up late all night long, so I get up extra early, and end up wiped out by the time I walk outta the house for school. C'est ma vie. But anyhow, we had the yummy yummy Wagon Wheels, which brought back lotsa elementary school recess memories... ;)

Oh, and Darrell sent out an email for his BBQ/party with the subject line "Thank god the bitch is gone" and used the word "shenanigans" a million times, and it brightened the day somewhat. =D Don't ask how; it just did.

ER infatuated

I absolutely love my latest volunteer job at the hospital! So far, it definitely hasn't been like anything you see on TV, but it's all been good. I've seen quite a bit of blood, but nothing's made me faint -- yet. The scariest thing ain't really even the pathological distress of the patients, but mostly the lower priority patients (i.e. without immediate danger of dying) in the waiting room who get impatient and seriously put holes in the wall... Thank God that security is right there when I'm on duty.

BSU

I got a funny letter from the SFU financial aid rep (or something like that) thanking us (the bio student union exec) for our donation of a $100 bursary to a deserving bio student. Why funny? Cuz the person commented on our website (http://www.sfu.ca/~biounion) and how much she enjoyed it. Now, trust me, it's probably the crappiest SFU site of all because our webmaster's too occupied to do anything more with it! It's all just simple HTML, and very plain HTML, I might add. The colour scheme's kinda odd too... But that was totally funny. We had a laugh about it at our last meeting. =D However, she was right about one thing; we sure do know how to throw some of the awesomest and fun-nest cheap-beer socials. ;) At the last one, I was in the middle of Lent fasting, yet couldn't resist the call of Smirnoff... 2 bottles of Smirnoff + 1 Mike's + 24 hours of no food = bad idea. =D I hear that I did a lot of hugging and walking ziz-zag straight lines... But damn, it was all good! Yeah! And they all know it! =D

But the BSU's all been good overall, I suppose. I've met lotsa awesome people -- I've even had some one-time kick-ass conversations with people in the common room who I've never seen again and whose name I never had any clue of! =D But, most importantly, I've made a couple of my bestest friends through the BSU. ;) And it feels good to be involved with something so significant in SFU society. We put out the most thorough anti-calendar... we throw awesome socials... we have hot pizza at most meetings =D... we run the cheapest soda/juice machine on campus... Disorganized and all, I'm gonna miss it. Can't believe this semester's already heading into final exams! Our last meeting's next next Friday... and it'll probably be the last meeting I'll ever run. Gosh, I've probably been the damnest prez the student union's ever had, but the power was all good. ;) Muah ha ha... Heck, I accomplished what no other accomplished in the past few years: I got the room painted and the floors cleaned and waxed! ;)

Misc. ramblings...

No nine-month surprise to look forward to... haha... thank God... Huh? Don't ask. =D

Al's mom's cooking is de-licious, I swear! Oh, and Al sure surprised me this past Sunday, driving 30 km and showing up on the doorstep like that. No wonder my essay ended up late, dude.

So far, I've counted 6 insect bites from the weighted-climb up cardiac hill. =P (4 stops, 40 minutes?) Ug-ly. And itchy.

Is there such thing as Arcade Etiquette? If you see someone standing behind you watching as you play, then you die a painful death or your game terminates somehow... do you not step aside and see if the person was actually waiting for a turn? Or do you shove in more coins and start right from the first level again, pretending he/she doesn't exist? After all, he/she is simply fascinated with how well you can can punch those buttons and keep re-starting, game after game after game... right? Grrrrrrrrrr... seriously, if you're not winning, let someone who can win play, k? OKAY??

When is the next Harry Potter book gonna come out???? Sad to say, but I'm still waiting...

Saturday, July 20, 2002

Frustration, frustration...

After 4 days of 3-4AM wake-ups, I needed to crash Wednesday night and sleep in until at least 8AM the next day, otherwise I wouldn't have the stamina to function the rest of the week. But, of course, things never happen the way you want them to. For one thing, if you're a horrible, restless light sleeper like me, and your mom's yelling at your dad at the top of her lungs at approx. 12AM, you just don't sleep. I swear, they could've heard her in Denmark with that decibel level. I can't even remember what she was yelling about, but it definitely could've waited until the next day. And even when my dad finally had enough and went up to bed without her about 15 minutes into the screaming, she just kept going! I mean, he was upstairs in bed, and she's downstairs still bitching away by herself... *sigh*... Not that this is exactly an extraordinary occurence in my household -- it happens all the time. However, when you're trying to catch up on your sleep, it just ain't good.

So it wasn't easy getting back to sleep... Then, to make matters worse, I involuntarily wake up extra early Thursday morning to her yelling once more. My dad had already gone to work, so my big bro was obviously taking the brunt of it. But you know what it was all about? The stupidest thing you could ever imagine... dental floss. That lady went rummaging through the garbage and pulled out every used length of dental floss she could find. Then she proceeded to bitch on and on about how everyone in the house but her is wasting the dental floss. I burrowed deeper into my pillow and comforter... but I had to get up some time, eh? So, as soon as she sees me, I get a repeat of the damn lecture my brother just had -- as if I hadn't heard it the first time through the several walls and doors. =P According to her majesty, my dad and bro and I are only supposed to use 6 inches or less of floss a day. And NO, you're not supposed to wrap it around both your fingers; you must wrap only one end of the floss around your finger once, then just "hold" the other end as you proceed through each gap between your teeth. Um, excuse me?? =P

We are not exactly that poor, okay. I mean, we're not even close to being rich, either, nor are we even close to well-off. But we're not so poor that we can't afford an extra 3 or 4 inches of dental floss a night. You see, my mom is obssessed with having that special thicker floss called "dental tape" available because nothing else is good enough for her teeth, and now it's becoming more expensive in the drug stores, so she can't buy as much anymore. Therefore, we have to save the floss because it's so expensive. And get this: she threatens me with "If you waste this floss, you're going to use the old thin-as-sewing-thread kind." And y' know what? I couldn't give a rat's ass about the thickness of the floss! I can't even use the tape to get behind the permanent retainer wire glued to the back of my lower teeth anyway. So I told her that it was fine with me; I'd just use the thin floss we get from the dentist. Then, as usual, she freaks out about how she's been the target of a counterattact (oh horrors!) and needs to regain control of her lil' daughter, and retaliates with "you shouldn't be using more than 6 inches of any kind of floss anyway because it costs money". *sigh* Whatever. Really, whatever. Dental floss is such a petty thing to argue about. REALLY.

This just tops the "don't use so much toothpaste" (no wonder my brother's got yellow teeth...) and "use lots of soap to clean your acne-prone face, but don't waste it" and "who's using up all the toilet paper?? use only 2 blocks to wipe your ass" rants. Next it'll be "use only one sanitary napkin the whole week long, dear" (and yes, gentlemen; I am female, I get a period =P). *sigh* Seriously, I'm grateful for everything we have, especially compared to those who don't have as much in developing countries, but... our industrialized world's also moving at a million times faster speed, ain't it? And there are so many other things to worry about besides the length of the dental floss!

And a moment of more frustrations...

It was actually quite nice running into and hanging out with several people this week that I haven't seen in awhile. However, catching up can be so depressing at times, too. I love hearing about what everyone's up to and just chatting. But... sometimes (like now), I just end up feeling sorry for myself. Seeing everyone so carefree with a long resumé of whopping accomplishments and a huge list of cool extracurricular/recreational activities... I think to myself "why can't I have all that too?"

After less than a half-hour worth of chat with Simon yesterday (haven't seen him since the last BSU social!), I am so extremely happy for him. He's got so much going for him, he's found his purpose, he's created an extra strong bond with our Creator, he's so thrilled with his life as it is, and he's totally comfortable with who he is right now. And yes, I'm so extremely happy for him. He deserves it all. But... on top of all the built-up emotions from chatting with other old pals during the week, I ended up feeling extra sorry for me.

Right this moment, I feel lost and out of my own control. I'm almost 21, yet I'm still trapped... Sometimes I just wish I could be dead for awhile -- not forever, but just for awhile. To not have to think, to know, to feel... To not have anyone tell me I'm the scum of the earth, the most repulsive thing to ever walk the face of the earth... To not have to worry about concealing the darker side of my life and pretending it's all okay... To not be ashamed any longer about who I am and the life I come from... To not care who loves me, who hates me, who I love, who I hate, or if I love or hate... To not have to concern myself with what people think of me or where I fit in... To not have to care that I do everything I can to make a single person happy, yet never completely succeed... To not have someone constantly patronizing me and every aspect of my being...

I have a cousin who ran away from home when she was still in high school and lived with her boyfriend... eventually had a fight and returned home... married that guy at the age of 19, then had a son a year later... 10 years later, is still married to that same guy, but lives with another guy and has his baby, while her husband still lives with her mother. And she's happy. I, on the other hand, have worked my butt of trying to do what was asked of me, studied hard, stayed home and never went out with friends any minute I wasn't in school... faithfully gone to Mass every weekend... in 3 months, I will be the first of my maternal side's 10 cousins to graduate from university... have the potential to fulfill my dream of med school... and still I feel trapped, lost, and unhappy.

And the more I think of it... I just can't take it anymore. I've gotta get away... far, far away... just gotta step out and never look back... and make myself believe that nothing is holding me back...

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

Ramble Ramble...

I dunno what's wrong with me. I feel nauseous and completely exhausted, even though I've gotten so much sleep in the last few days. =P Is it the unbearable heat?? Or something else??? Some bug I picked up in the lab????? *sigh*.

Final exams, final assignments, final death are all approaching so quickly... where am I going to find the energy or the time???

Lots of ICQ problems! Dang. ICQ used to be my lifeline... Ha, but know what? I may just be able to live without it for awhile... Wait; who am I kidding???

Actually, looks like I'll have to live without being online and working on my website for awhile too. =P Must start learning to prioritize... No updates for awhile? Aurgggh, how will I survive?? Must stay off a.a.... must must... hehheh, maybe I won't update again until I get back from Florida -- September at the earliest! ;)

Al came over the other day and we watched my video of A Bug's Life. Romantic, eh? Haha... I've already seen the movie 5 times at least (ashamed as I am to say), but it only gets better watching someone you love watch a movie you love, eh? Well, maybe... =D

ER yesterday was absolutely crazy. It was like everyone decided to have a heart attack or, at least, they kept putting off going to hospital until they knew I was going to be there. The waiting room was totally packed with people and impatient complaints. But what could I do??? I'm only a volunteer. =( Nonetheless, I still love my job -- no, do not enjoy seeing people in pain and suffering! I love helping out in making things a little more bearable for both the patients and the nurses...

And how old do I really look????? People at the hospital keep asking me what grade I'm in! Could I fall for a 10th grader, maybe? Sweeeeeeeet...

I don't particularly swoon over the light-pink smock that makes up my hospital uniform... but people say I look cute in it. O-kay, then... When will I ever be taken seriously?? But being sweet is fine with me for now. Go ahead and remember me that way... cuz it's so not true. ;)

Think you only get trash-talk, foul-mouthedness everywhere but in a respectable scientific research lab? Think again. Got an all-nighter dozen-hickey story today (don't ask)... ha, and Darrell said they shouldn't corrupt lil' me. Too late for that... hehheh... But it was hilarious when Wendy loudly announced that she smelled -- a totally unexpected outburst -- and proceeded to say that she should start bringing deodorant with her. ;)

But seriously, the people in the lab can be so hilarious and so much fun together. And sometimes I feel like I'm the extremely young, ignorant girl who's watching all of 'em in awe... looking in, but not really a part of, y' know what I mean? Many people tell me to stay as I am, be who I am, don't fight to fit in... stay innocent and uncorrupted... but really, I think it's way too late for that. ;)

How come some people can keep their skin so flawless, yet others break out in millions of volcanoes of clogged oily pores? Genetics suck =P. (But I love genetics, so I take that back.) Some of us can wash a million times a day, stay out of the sun, drink 10 bottles of water a day, take extra pains to keep extremely clean... and still break out, like, KABOOM! While others can spend a Survivor-like month out in the desert with no shower, no skin-care products, no nothing, and still their skin is as clear a baby's bottom. Where's the justice in all of that?

Okay, so my skin doesn't usually suffer humiliating break outs on a continuous basis (yeah, just once or twice a month only =P), but it still looks like I'll be stuck in the oily vortex of adolescence forever and ever. Maybe by the time I surpass all of that, I'll be blessed with the permanent sufferings of wrinkles and sunspots...

I don't believe in setting goals for myself. Why not? I reach a goal, I celebrate for a second, then say "what next?" That's all. If I don't reach it, I get depressed and threaten suicide. Goals may be fine for other people, but for me, they just don't work. I prefer to dream instead -- at least a dream could come true, but doesn't necessarily mean it'll come true, and that's easier to accept than a failed goal. Non?

Ha, but I just magically discovered my inner soul's life goal (such a hypocrite I am!). That infamous line of Jack Nicholson's character to Helen Hunt's in As Good As It Gets: "You make me want to be a better man" -- or something like that. I was just thinking that'd be the sweetest thing in the world: for me to die only after having touched a single person's life in a manner that makes the person sincerely say -- or think -- "you make me want to be a better man". I don't need to hear it with my own ears or even be aware of it myself, but just touching a single person's life like that would make my life all the worth it... Maybe my ultimate dream is to become a doctor and save a life on the brink of death so that person can have a second chance to be a better person and right all the wrongs... or maybe as a doctor I can help make those last days of a cranky, dying patient ones of no regrets, no anger, no pain, and full of peace, acceptance, and a desire to spend the final moments as a changed person. Dramatic? Whatever... But to touch just one person, it'd be worth my life... I guess my greatest fear in life would be not having touched anyone's life at all...

Hey, none of these blurbs make any real sense! Some day when I look back, I'll be like "what the hell were you thinking??? that don't mean nothing, gurl!" But heck, who cares. I am what I am now. I say what I say now. Regrets can be left until the future. ;)

Anyway, back to my newest best friend: Spence's "Biology of Human Aging"... *sigh*