Saturday, September 14, 2002
There's no place like home...
I've been home for almost two weeks. Orlando was absolutely fabulous... except for the daily rainstorms... the constant bickering... the horrible drinking law ("no alcohol to anyone under 21" grrrrr)... whatever.
Nevertheless, it was almost all good. (I've got more to say about it... but later, since I'm just not in the mood right now.) And I didn't want to come home...
I suppose there are perks to that "coming home" stage of any trip. You get to sleep in your own bed again (instead of the hotel beds that probably have a million different stories to tell...), use your own toilet (oh yeah, big plus), see
the loved ones that you just couldn't pack into your suitcase to take with you, etc. However, the perks don't take away from the fact that a brief, fun-filled stage in your life is coming to an end and that you must return to the reality
of your life. Of course, there are some vacations that are so horrible that you just can't wait to get home... but for even the starving, lethargic, home-sick contestants on those Survivor shows, there's a melancholic aura surrounding them when it comes down
to the last few days and they realize that it's all about to end, that they have to return to their "normal" lives, that they might never have this unique experience ever again... You sort of just want to soak it all in and not let any of it go.
If my life dreams go as hoped, this will probably be my last "vacation" trip for a l-o-n-g time. And I just didn't want it to end...
And the harsh reality hit me immediately the day I returned home. Now that undergrad's all done and completely out of the way, it's time to hit the "real world" of career and the big question of "where do I go from here??" I guess I've already had that question answered
for a long time, because I know exactly where I want to be. However, getting to that point is the greatest challenge of all.
But besides that challenge, coming home hit me harder that I would've ever expected... It's been constant nagging about my studying now for the MCAT (which I put off again for a million reasons I'll type up in the near future) when the exam isn't until April and
when I'm still trying to get over 36 straight months of university stress and sleep-deprivation. There's been nothing but overpowering parents who want me to be tied down at home 24 hours a day, except when I'm working or volunteering at the hospital. It's been nothing but
hateful words for two weeks... It's all about me being inconsiderate, stupid, ill-mannered, down-right mean, blah blah blah. And I've just got to get out of here... Nothing ever changes. And I still don't have any time for those who mean most to me... The irony rocks on...
It's like I'm paying for someone else's mistakes... for my cousin's? my brother's?? some unruly individual conjured up in my parent's imagination???
And as if things couldn't get any worse... The anger subsides into an oblivion of forgiveness, yet the hurt remains unforgotten... and nothing is ever the same again. It's as if some invisible force out there is trying to destroy me, and something inside of me is tearing me apart
or waiting to explode. And for a moment, I wish I didn't have to care. For a moment, I wish I didn't have to give a damn about how others think or approve of me. For a moment, I wish I could just be selfish and live my life for myself for once... and stop trying to satisfy the expectations of those who are such
signficant presences in my world... For a moment, I wish I could just be me...
And I didn't want to come home... I wish I'd never left...
Work work work
*Sigh* But anyway... yeah, grad's less than a month away (that is, if my application's approved. still waiting). I'm officially no longer a student. It feels strange to not be sitting in lectures anymore or worrying about midterms. It's as if something's missing... *sigh*.
And since I'm no longer a registered student, I couldn't even renew my gym tag for another year...
Of course, I'm not just sitting around doing nothing -- that'd be so unlike me. =P I'm back in the lab where I did my undergrad research (bisc 498) last semester. So, in a way, I'm still going to school, yet not. Just can't seem to tear myself away from that place... although it's still strange to be
completely "working" and not "studying" or "learning". Though, a lot of learning's still involved... but it's not the same as learning in class.
So, I'm still working with the Drosophila flies. I've got the new responsibilities of transferring fly stocks and packing automatic pipette tips for autoclaving. I'm also learning how to do embryonic cuticle preps. So... it's all of this on top of
crossing mutant strains and generating recombinants and studying variations in wing vein phenotypes and stuff... Did I mention that I love genetics??
More frustrations...
And again... the anger subsides into an oblivion of forgiveness, yet the hurt remains unforgotten... and nothing is ever the same again. I know this may not sound like a big deal, but once again it feels like a huge chunk of me has been lost forever. I returned home from Florida to
discover that somebody has completely taken over the SFU premed website. Yes, the website I worked on for 8 months. A new guy has updated it, altered some things... even changed the meta tag author name from mine to his on several pages when I was the one who designed every single existing page
in the first place (including the graphics) and kept it up-to-date since last September.
But why does this all bother me so much? Well... the premed exec is made up of really nice, really nice people, and I'm sure they're all going make really awesome doctors -- even better doctors than I'll probably ever be. Yet... near the end of July, they sent out an email looking for a new webmaster to replace me, apparently assuming that,
since I was graduating, I wouldn't be around or want to do it anymore. Or perhaps they just didn't care and were looking for someone more experienced to spice it up... I dunno. Nevertheless, they just didn't ask me whether I'd still do it. =P So... I was extremely busy at the end of July, especially heading into August final exams and MCAT cramming and
preparing my lab presentation/report and everything, and therefore, I guess I sort of overlooked the email. I guess I just thought "to hell with it all. let 'em do whatever they wanna do. i've got more things to worry about. don't have time to argue with them for giving away my job without talking to me first."
But then I came home... and I noticed the changes automatically. And realized that my baby's totally been snatched away from me... And someone's gone into all my files and fooled around with the code without even consulting me first... I mean, I probably wouldn't have had time to work on it anyway, but it would've been nice to have a
part in passing it over in the first place. Instead of coming home to see that I've been totally wiped out... feeling like I've lost an irreplacable part of me...
And I didn't want to come home... I wish I'd never left...
*Sigh*
This entry ain't anything but one giant mood-swing, eh? I'm feeling so messed up right now... I just can't explain why. Everything's so incoherent... and I'm lost... and I'm not who I used to be... yet I'm still
everything I've always been...
Sunday, September 15, 2002
Let us remember...
I know that this may seem a little late, but it's really never too late to remember...
May there be peace...
A year ago, on Sept. 11th, I listened in disbelief over the radio while the news was pumped through the air, and I was sitting at my desk studying something so relatively meaningless (MBB 322). I had to get my braces tightened at the orthodontist that day... I had to attend
several tutorials and lectures... And I did...
However, while I was about to enter a routine and absolutely trivial day, thousands took their last breath, their loved ones grieved, prominent buildings collapsed into nothingness.. and the horror spread from one corner of the world to every other. And nothing was routine any longer...
Yet we march onward. The fight for freedom never ceases, yet our neighbouring nation's heroes will not have passed on in vain...
The Olds, part deux
But... how do you get rid of something with so much sentimental value? How do you replace such a thing...?
Back in June, I ranted about the 1980 Olds station wagon that my parents just didn't want to give up -- the one that's older than me. Well... after years and years of expensive visits to mechanics and a million organ transplants (incl. a "new" rebuilt engine), and several
miserable and embarassing breakdowns in the most bizarre locations, the poor thing is finally being cut off our family's life support. Yesterday, the whole family trotted off to the Volvo/Subaru dealership in Vancouver and came back approx. 3 hours later in shock that our beloved Olds is a week or
two away from being nothing more than a memory.
And suddenly, I feel empty inside... but ecstatic that dinner conversations will no longer be about spark plugs and busted radiators. =P
Back to America
I also found time to cross the border yesterday. I mean, after all the Canadian malls close around 5:30-6, where else to continue the shopping spree but down in the States where everybody's still going 'til approx. 10? The border wasn't too busy, but there was still a little wait. What was totally amusing
was this guy pushing an ice cream cart between the two lines of cars. And it was mostly the Americans who forked over the 2 loonies to him. (Actually, 2$ for a drumstick ain't bad, eh?) Hehheh, a nice last impression of Canada for them to leave with... Maybe the thrifty Canadians were just saving their bucks
to spend down South, who knows.
Anyhow, I absolutely fell in love with an ultra-chic, ultra-feminine skirt and a not-too-casual, not-too-businesslike bag I saw down there at the Bon Marché. But, sadly, I'm completely broke after those 2 weeks of vacation, and my first paycheck (or more like "pay deposit") is still a week away. My main mission was actually to pick up
these tennis shoes I saw down there 2 weeks ago and realized I couldn't live without. They were made especially for the American "Finish Line" store, so I could only get 'em down there. And truly, they still looked awesome when I got there. However, I put 'em on my feet... and... well, they definitely didn't look like tennis shoes anymore.
They just looked so... white. Like an old lady's walking shoe, maybe. =P But... stubborn as I am, I couldn't let myself not buy them after coming all this way. So... yeah, now they're sitting amid my contantly-growing shoe collection. Maybe I could've just spent the money on the skirt and bag... The salesgirl wasn't too pleasant anyway. She never
smiled, she was just standing around and I had to go to her to ask for help, she looked so reluctant in lacing up the shoes for me (dammit, I could've just done them myself), and she didn't even say anything at all (no "do they feel comfortable? do you need a different size?"), and she just stood around and stared everywhere else but at me or my feet. =P
So she's probably gonna get commission off of my purchase for doing nothing, eh? Should've just bought the skirt and bag...
My wish list
Which all reminds me... I've come up with a list of things I just absolutely want (but don't necessarily need... I guess). Why? I dunno... maybe I'm intending to splurge my first paycheck on luxuries, then start saving the rest for med school, moving out, and "the future". =D But anyhow, here's my wish list (in no particular order):
SFU sweatshirt, hat, or any article of clothing that says SFU. I mean, I'm graduating and I still don't have a "college sweatshirt" like everybody else in this world??? As if!
Mirrored shades. Since I've finally got my contacts, I absolutely need to fulfill my approx. 10-year dream of owning mirrored sunglasses. ;)
Bag. I don't own one that I currently like, so I definitely need a new one to tote my contact case, my sunglasses, my retainer case (bleh! =P) , cosmetics, etc. around in.
Grad outfit. Gotta look good. Those gowns don't close in the front, so hafta wear something nice underneath. And I'm aiming casual flowery feminine (not too formal), so nothing in my closet works.
Keyboard. I've always wanted a Steinway grand (like mulan81, but probably not as much ;D), but for now, a nice keyboard with approx. 70-something keys is good enough for my song-writing, finger-exercising purposes... and one I can easily carry around when I move...
Subscription to Cosmo. Hehheh...
Chicken Soup for the Canadian Soul. I just need this to add to my Chicken Soup collection. I... am... Canadian.
Embroidery hoop. Need a bigger one for my next cross-stitch project.
Huge bag of Jelly Belly Beans. I got re-addicted to these at WDW. Especially the toasted marshmallow ones. And the banana, cream soda, root bear, orange/tangerine, lemon, cantaloupe, chocolate, dr.pepper, strawberry cheesecake, caramel, and french vanilla =D. (But the cinnamon, buttered popcorn, and caramel corn are disgusting. =P) Think I've gotta get to the candy store, like, NOW.
Rechargeable batteries (+ recharger). For camera, walkman, discman, whatever!
Dang, I'm so materialistic... ;)
Thursday, September 19, 2002
Yesterday
Yesterday was utterly exhausting. Lab work took longer than I expected because of a million misunderstandings and "accidents" (microwaves and dezzie don`t mix =P). Afterwards, it was off to volunteer at the hospital... The ER was practically empty for 2 hours, and I sat around reading Reader`s Digest for quite awhile (makes me sound lazy, eh? but there was really nothing to do!). Then all of the sudden, there was just a lot of... blood. And once one person walks in, a million other patients follow. I actually love when it gets busy (of course, I feel bad for the people, but... y` know what I mean!), yet it can get so exhausting trying to calm people down and keep them in line, as well as running around grabbing towels to soak up the blood from where a finger once existed... and whatever else. Nevertheless, I came home feeling like I`d just fall into bed.
But I check my mail upon walking into the door. And suddenly, I`m wide awake again. I got a formal letter stating that I am officially being awarded my bachelor of science! Ok ok, I know a lot of ppl are telling me "you already knew that", but NO I DIDN`T. =P Paperwork often goes awry, doesn`t it? Anything can happen that would hinder me from graduating. Stuff happens, y` know, like grades being entered incorrectly... (which I had a delightful experience fighting out less than a year ago *grumble grumble*). But now it`s officially official. So yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Life`s a little brighter.
And furthermore, the family`s new automobile will be ready in 2 days for trade of our ancient Olds, so only 2 days of final farewells to 21 years of memories...
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