One day about 19 years ago after many years of trying to be good enough for God and other people and never succeeding I had a nervous breakdown. Believe me trying to please everyone is a good way to give yourself a nervous breakdown. Too many people telling me what to do and expecting more from me than I had to give and never being pleased when I tried to please them.
To me God was just a big bully sitting up in Heaven with a big club in His hand just waiting for me to mess up again so He could start swinging and telling me what a loser I was. I tried to be good enough for Him but I always blew it again and then would feel so guilty and frustrated and hate myself even more than before. I was sure these feelings were God telling me I was no good, and never would be and I lost all hope.
When I had my nervous breakdown, I laid on the floor of my home for 3 days; I didn't eat, drink, move, talk or anything for those three days. I didn't care if I lived or died. There was no feeling there at all to care. There was nothing left in me, no hope, no desire and no sense of being.
In that time I could not speak so I just laid there quietly. I heard a voice inside my head say to me, "I just want you to love Me'. I thought it could only be God speaking to me and since I could not speak I just thought in my mind, "I can't love You". I heard the voice again, "I just want you to love Me".
That's when I realized that I didn't have to be good enough for God. All I had to do was to accept His love for me and He would do the rest. He loved me even when I had absolutely nothing to offer Him, I couldn't even speak. He loved me anyway. Then I let Him have my life. I was doing a pretty miserable job of living it anyway so I figured He couldn't do much worse.
He spoke to me for a while and then He told me to get up and get some water and a pencil and paper. I got some water and a pencil and paper and laid back down and He gave me my first poem I had ever written. It tells where I was and what He did for me that day. It is the most important poem to me because this was the beginning of a new life for me. A life of serving God. The name of the poem is called "Now I Praise God, He has Set Me Free". You will see it on the next page of this site.
I hope that this web site will minister to you and encourage many that there is always hope with the Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God. God bless you all.
Agape'
Sandy |
