The BMW Purity Test
Are you a fanatic or just a poseur?

You’ve probably noticed by now that there are among us certain individuals, any one of whom might easily find his or her picture in Funk & Wagnalls next to the word fanatic.

That’s okay. Despite the news media’s best effort to stigmatize the word, fanatic is a perfectly good thing to be. We probably hear it most often in the context of religion, which, when you think about it, is absolutely appropriate. Who better than devout believers to be fanatical in the cause of their faith?

Which brings us to BMW CCA. It is no secret that the tie that binds together our happy band of road warriors is our spirited devotion to the products of the Bavarian Motor Works. The assorted Bimmers and Beemers of the world (and Lord help you if you don’t know the difference) constitute the icons of our peculiar automotive sect. The ardent affection engendered in our ranks by BMWs of any stripe foments a heady brew, potent enough to raise a million X-fighters from the swamp with no more suggestion than the faint vision of a blue and white roundel.

Luke Skywalker would feel right at home in our midst. But you must remember that before young Luke could truly be considered a member of the Jedi, he faced a challenging test for the strength of his belief.

And now, thanks to the mind of John Burns, so do you. It’s called the BMW Purity Test.

As BMW’s own British Yoda, Burns has created a means by which the true state of any man, woman or child’s devotion to BMW may be revealed. By answering the following 97 questions with ruthless honesty, you will know with certainty the degree to which you deserve to be considered a fanatic of our marque. As for myself, I scored a 52 out of 97 (53.6%), earning a “definite BMW Nerd, welcome to the fold!” from Burns’ website. You can check your own rating at: www.unixnerd.demon.co.uk/bmwpurity.html.

May the Force be with you.  -Rick Sparks

The BMW Purity Test
BMW History
Do you know the difference between a 503 and 507? If someone asked you would they regret it five boring minutes later?
If a friend mentions they have a 328 do you wonder whether they're taking about the '37 or '97 model? If so, can you identify all the pictures without reading the captions?
Do you know all the E & M numbers, the years they were made, and their common problems?
Do you know how to pronounce Hartge and Schnitzer despite having never worked for either?

BMW Mechanics
Have you ever read a service manual for a procedure you know you'll never carry out? More than twice in the same week?
Do friends ask your advice on mechanical problems? Do they ask you to then fix the problem for them later?
Do you often have to lend tools to friends?
Do you have manuals for BMWs which you don't own?
Can you name the function of more than three fuses in your fuse box without using a manual?
Have you ever removed a part from your engine just to clean it? And then had trouble putting it back?
Have you ever removed part of your dashboard? And then removed it again to stop that new creaking sound?
Do you get nervous when other people have to work on your car? Do you check their work later just to be sure? Have you caught someone out this way?
When you take part of your car to bits do you call friends over to look at the interesting stuff inside?
Have you ever removed a spark plug to "read" the state of the engine?
Have you ever given a "tech tip" to a mechanic at your local dealer?
Do you know the first name of the local dealer's mechanic who always works on your car?
Are your tools are now worth more than the first car you bought?

BMW Driving
Have you attended a race track driving school or autocross?
Have you left the stick-on numbers on your car for more than a week after the event?
Have you modified your car for the track with undesirable consequences for normal driving? Deliberately?
Do you own more than one driving techniques book?
Do you always heel and toe gear-change, even in town?
You've never understood what possessed BMW engineers to make cars with automatic gearboxes?
Do you drive with the stereo off in order to listen to the engine?
Do you own more than one set of tires for any of your BMWs (snow or track use)?

BMW Care
Is your car cleaner than your house?
Have you ever tried to hide the true cost of a cleaning product from your wife/husband/parents?
Have you tried more than four brands of wheel cleaner in one year?
Have you ever used a toothbrush to clean any part of your car? Even a part of the engine?
Do most of your neighbors believe you have some mental problem / too much spare time?
Do you make disgusted comments about other people’s dirty BMWs?
Have you polished your valve cover(s)?
Have you ever washed your BMW more than once a week?
Do you wax it just about every time you wash it?
Have you ever known that it was going to get dark outside, but decided to wash it anyway?

BMW Evangelism
Do you feel sorry for non-BMW owners?
Have you talked friends into the joys of BMW ownership?
Do people try to avoid talking about cars in your presence?
Do you have a BMW model / poster / screensaver at work?
When you give friends detailed BMW advice over the phone, do your workmates shake their heads in silent disbelief?

BMW Worries
If you read about a BMW problem do you ever convince yourself your car has it?
Are you nervous about leaving your car parked out of your sight?
Do you keep hearing almost inaudible yet worrying rattles and creaks?
Do you replace wearable parts long before they are really needed?
Have you ever told a fellow owner about a design fault in their car? And then told them how to cure it?

BMW Buying
Does your local salesman try to hide whenever he sees you coming?
Have you ever had to convince a salesman the part you want does exist?
Have you ever caught a salesman telling lies about a car's specifications?
Have you ever purchased an exhaust or tires to replace one which wasn't worn out yet?
Have you ever tried to order a part only to have the guy in the parts dept. say "it doesn't exist"?
Then gotten the part number from the 'net and found the dealer has three in stock?
Do you spend ages agonizing over which parts or accessories to buy? Despite the fact you can't possibly afford them?

BMW Lifestyles
Does you web browser have more BMW related bookmarks than any other kind?
Do you subscribe to any BMW magazines? (only counts if you keep the back issues)
Do you own more than three books about BMWs?
When your monthly BMW magazine arrives you read the parts for sale adverts first?
Can you tell which exact model of BMW you're looking at if it's been debadged? Even the model year?
Have you ever made a BMW joke that nobody else understood?
Do you spot BMWs in TV programs and get told to shut up by friends?
Do you have to make an effort to not talk about BMWs with other people?
Can you recite your dealer's phone number from memory?
When you go to your local dealer does everyone know your name? And your wife/girlfriend?
Do friends approach you in amazed tones and say "I mentioned your name at the dealer, they knew you straight away"?
Have you ever stood looking at your car for more than five minutes?
Have you ever sat in your car to admire the interior and soak up the atmosphere for over fifteen minutes?
Have you ever wanted to leave a social function early in order to tinker with your BMW?  And actually left? And your friends completely understood your dilemma?
Do most of your neighbors / workmates think you're clinically insane?

BMW Ownership
Have you kept your current BMW longer than you thought you would because you can't decide on its replacement?
Do you regret selling any of the previous BMWs you've owned?
Did your mother prefer the suspension on your last BMW as it was "less harsh"?
Do you own more than one BMW, just to own more than one BMW?
Have you decoded the VIN on your car? (Extra credit if you told more than two people the date and place of manufacture.)
Have you ever thought about doing any of the following?
*Adding a garage to your house with a hydraulic lift, extra sets of wheels, and enough tools to make your dealer's mechanic jealous.
*Putting a roll bar in your street car.
*Buying an old E30 to turn into a track car.
*Doing a head job to increase performance on a perfectly good engine.
*Fitting a four point harness to the driver's seat.
*Fitting a valium/sedative dispenser in front of the passenger seat.

BMW Growth Potential
Did this test give you ideas on how to improve yourself? (In other words, will your score will be higher next time?)

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