sportsjokes

FOOTBALL

OJ VERSUS ELWAY

What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway?
Ans: O.J. Simpson was a passenger in a slow white Bronco. John Elway is a slow white Bronco.

BARRY SWITZER

Before he was terminated by the Dallas Cowboys football team, Coach Barry Switzer was seeking advice all around the NFL on what ingredient makes for a winning football team. He eventually sought out Steve Mariucci of the San Francisco Forty-Niners, who told him that the MOST important thing to having a winning football team was to have a quarterback who was extremely smart and as proof he took him over to quarterback, Steve Young, and asked Steve this question: "Who is your father's brother's nephew?"
Steve Young without hesitating a moment answered, "Me."
When Switzer returned to the Cowboys practice facilities, he went over to Troy Aikman and asked him the same question: "Who is your father's brother's nephew?"
Troy thought about it for a moment and told the coach he needed some more time to come up with the right answer. Then Troy went over to Deion Sanders and asked Deion the same question.
Deion, replied, "Why it's me!" So Troy Aikman went back to coach Switzer and said, "I have the answer, it's Deion Sanders."
"No, No!" replied Switzer, "you're wrong, it's Steve Young."

ISRAELI QUARTERBACK

Al Davis has put together the perfect Raiders team for the '98-'99 season. The only thing he's missing is a super bowl caliber quarterback. Jeff George has been too inconsistent. He has scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but can't seem to find a ringer quarterback and all of the best ones were taken in the draft by other teams.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in Palestine. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he throws a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away -- ka-BOOM! Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-BLOOEY! Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour --bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl. The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't vant to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

GOLFING

GUY GOLFING WITH NUN

A guy gets paired at the local golf course with a nun and they are making their way around the course when they finally arrive at the fifth tee; a long par four with a dog leg to the left. The guy drives off the tee and his ball hooks sharply into a thick rough near some woods. "Shit," he yells, "that really pisses me off, dammit!" The nun can't help but overhear him cussing out loud and she tells the man that he shouldn't be swearing like that and proceeds to scold him about his language. Then the nun tees off and slices her ball into the woods where it hits a large oak tree, bounces back and lands almost back at the tee box. She starts swearing up a storm, using every bad word in the book. Her golf partner approaches her and says, "how come you are saying all of those nasty words when you told me God didn't like my using them?"
"Well," replied the nun, "at least your ball didn't hit those fuckin' trees."

GOLF WIDOW

A lady decides that she better take up golf in order to enjoy her husband's company once in a while so she signs up for lessons with the club pro. After several lessons she starts to get various pieces of the swing down but always seems to spray her balls off target because her grip is wrong. One minute she hooks everything, the next minute she hits a bad slice. The pro is not sure how to teach her to maintain the correct club grip so he thinks for a moment and finally says to her: "Now don't get me wrong here. I am not trying to be vulgar or improper but I want you to learn to grip your club properly and the only thing I can think of is to tell you to grip the club like you do your husband's organ." The lady nodded her head in apparent understanding and started to hit her shots 250 yards down the center of the fairway. The pro was amazed and said to the lady, "you are hitting the ball great but this time try taking the club out of your mouth."

ZIPPER CAUGHT IN SKIRT

A guy and his girlfriend are out on the golf course. He stands right next to her and behind her to help her with her swing and when he looks down, he notices that his fly is unzipped. When he zips himself up, his zipper gets caught in her skirt and neither of them can unfree the zipper. They don't know what to do since they can't move separately, so the guy decides that they should just hop along together joined this way until they can get to the clubhouse. The couple is making their way along the course zipped together when suddenly from behind a clump of trees a dog emerges and throws a pail of water on them.

FUNERAL NEAR GOLF COURSE

A guy is out golfing with his buddy when the two of them see a funeral procession go by the outer perimeter of the course. The guy takes his hat off and waits for the procession to pass by before putting. His friend notices the gesture and responds favorably and then asks him why he did it. "It was the least I could do after we'd been married 40 years," the man replied.

FIRE ENGINE RED GOLF BALL

A guy is golfing with his buddy and when they approach the 5th hole with a water hazard, he takes a fire engine red golf ball out of his bag and tees it up. The buddy notices the unusual ball and asks his friend all about it. "Well," his friend says, "this ball is the one I use when I am afraid I could lose a ball on a hole. If I hit this ball into a thick rough, there is an electronic homing device in the ball that will automatically activate itself and I can locate it underneath the grass by listening for the sound being emitted."
"Wow," remarks his friend, but what happens if you hit the ball into a water hazard like the one on this hole?"
"If the ball goes into water, it has two little flotation devices that spring out and the ball just lies on the surface of the water so that I can easily see it. Then a little internal motor starts up and a rudder and propeller protrude from the sides and the ball zeros in on the shoreline and I don't have to do anything but wait for it to come to land."
"That's just amazing," remarks the friend, but what happens if the ball gets buried in a sand trap?"
"Oh, that one is easy," replied the guy. "The ball has a little scooping device that becomes activated and it allows the ball to burrow through the sand until it gets to the surface where it can be seen."
"Gosh," remarked the friend in utter amazement, "can you tell me where I can get a ball like this?"
"I don't know," replied the friend, I just found it."

GOLFER THAT'S TWO MINUTES LATE

A guy, who is from out of town is visiting a golf club. He gets paired up with one of the members and when they play a round and the guy shoots par, the member is amazed. He has never seen anyone come in who was left-handed and shoot par on a course he never played before, so his mind starts to think how he can make some easy money off the situation. He asks the man if he can play the next day at 10 a.m.; that there is a group they can play against for money and it is a sure thing. The guys says, "yes, I can play then but I will be two minutes late."
Sure enough, the out of towner shows up two minutes late, plays the entire round right-handed and he and his partner take all of the money. His partner is amazed that the out of towner can not only play left-handed but equally well from the right side. He then asks the man if he can play the next day at 11 am; that he has another group of bigwig golfers lined up and the money will be theirs for the taking. The guy tells him, "yes, I can make it, but I will be two minutes late."
Sure enough, the next day he is there two minutes late, he golfs left-handed and he and his partner win lots of money again. His partner then asks him is he can play again the following day and the same scenario takes place. After they win again, the club member says to the out of towner, "I noticed that on one day you played left-handed and the next day you played right-handed and then the following day, you played left-handed again and equally well, I might add. Please tell me how you know on any given day which side you will play from?"
"Oh, that's easy," said the man. "If my wife is sleeping on her right side when I wake up in the morning, I play from the right side. If she is sleeping on her left side, I play from the left side."
"Well," replied the member, "what if she is sleeping on her back?"
"Oh, that's when I am two minutes late."

GUY GOLFING WITH FROG

A guy is relating how one day he was out golfing at a new country club when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, on the third hole, appeared a frog. "The frog then said to me, 'hey buddy, I've been watching your game and you don't want to hit a five iron from there to the green. You will need your three iron.' I listened to the frog's advice and decided to use my three iron and sure enough, my ball lands pin high right on the green only six feet from the hole. On the next hole the frog advises me to hit a 'fade' and sure enough this shot works well also. I'm doing so well listening to the frog that I decide to play the whole round with him giving me advice and I play the best round of golf ever. So I finally tell the frog that I owe him a favor and ask him how I can repay him for his help.
The frog tells me that he would like me to buy him a drink at the clubhouse. I'm not too keen on this idea because I don't feel comfortable sitting in the clubhouse with a frog but when the frog insists that is the least I should do, I give in. Afterwards, the frog asks me to buy him dinner. Again, I am not sure I want to be seen at a dinner club with a frog at my table, but when the frog reminds me how helpful he was, I decide to take the frog to dinner. After we get done eating, the frog asks me if we can go to a motel together. When I balk at this idea, the frog states that if his request is granted, he will help me golf the next day. Realizing what a plus it would be to my game to have the frog with me another full day, I decide to check in with the frog at a local motel.
When we get into our room, the frog asks me for just one kiss. Realizing that I better comply or else the frog might not play golf with me the next day, I kiss the frog and the frog turns into a drop dead gorgeous fourteen year old blonde. So, there your Honor," says the golfer, "that's exactly how it happened!"

TIGER WOODS AT AUGUSTA

After winning the Masters at Augusta, Tiger Woods returns and is in the pro shop. The guy in the pro shop tells him that blacks aren't allowed to play at Augusta and advises him that there is a public course that he can play on just a seven iron distance down the road. Tiger Woods looks at the pro and says, "You must not realize who I am. I am Tiger Woods."
The guy in the pro shop realizing his mistake says, "Oh, then for you it`s only a three iron."

GOLFER'S BEST BALL OF THE DAY

Did you hear the one about the golfer who claimed that the best ball he hit all day happened when he stepped on the rake lying in the sand trap.

SLOW GOLF PLAY

A minister, priest and a rabbi were out playing golf at the country club and got behind a foursome moving so slowly, it was unbearable. The foursome hit their ball everywhere but in the fairway and took forever to sink their puts. And worse yet, they wouldn't let the three church heads play through. Finally after spending almost 2 hours just to play three holes, all three were ticked off by the unusually slow play. Finally the priest noticed one of the country club officials going by on a golf cart. He stopped him to ask about the slow playing conditions. By this time, all three of them were cussing up a storm and cursing the slow play. First the priest starts in complaining and explaining how long it has taken to play only three holes. Then the minister starts cursing also, telling the country club official how he will advise everyone not to play at the club anymore in the next church bulletin. Finally the country club official stops them and asks, "Didn't any of you read our last club notice that was sent out over two weeks ago."
"All of the church heads shook their heads and replied, "No."
The head of the country club explained to them that today was specifically set aside as a golf outing for the blind as a service to the community.
After hearing the explanation, all of the church heads start apologizing profusely and saying how sorry they were. Then the country club head looks over at the rabbi and says, "Don't you have anything to say."
"Well, yeah! Why can't they play at night?"

8-IRON SHOT

A golfer hit his ball off the tee into a deep thicket. When he finds his ball, he decided to try and hit it out using his 8-iron. He tries several swings at it but can't dislodge it from the growth. Dejected and looking around, he notices a shiny object nearby. He goes over to see what it is and notices an 8-iron attached to a human skeleton. Noticing his partner standing nearby with the cart and golf clubs he yells out, "Better throw me a wedge, you can't get outta here with an 8-iron."

AMATEUR GOLFER TALKING TO PRO

An amateur golfer and a pro golfer were talking. The pro was bragging how he could hit a 7-iron 180 yards to the green and back it up. The amateur was impressed and asked him how he did it. "Well," said the pro, "it's easy." Tell me how far you hit your 7-iron?"
"I can hit my 7-iron about 130 yards to the green," replied the amateur.
"So why do you want to back it up?" replied the pro.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BAD GOLFER AND BAD SKY DIVER

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
Ans: The bad golfer goes, smack, "Oh Shit!"

STEVIE WONDER BETTING ON GOLF WITH NICKLAUS

Nicklaus walks into a bar where Stevie Wonder is playing and is introduced to him. Stevie says to Jack, "Do you know I'm a helluva golfer."
Jack replies, "How is that possible? You're blind."
"Makes no difference," says Wonder. "I place my caddie out approximately where I can hit the ball , he calls to me and I hit it to him."
"How do you putt?" asks Jack.
"I have my caddie get down on the ground behind the hole and I putt towards his voice. I'm a scratch golfer, Jack, and to prove it I don't play for under $1000 dollars a hole!
Jack says, "would you like to play me?"
Stevie replies, "I'd love to! When do you want to play," asks Jack.
Stevie thinks a moment and replies, "Any night next week."

GUY AND LADY STRANDED ON AN ISLAND--golfer's version

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Accustomed to 5-Star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four years he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "And the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of the material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from the palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible!" stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into a forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware." But enough of that," she said. "Is there anything I can get for you? I have lots of supplies here in my boat."
The man thought about it for a while and realizing it had been over four years since he last smoked a cigarette, he asked the beautiful woman, if she had any.
"Why, yes I do have some. Would you like filtered or non-filtered?"
Startled the he even had a choice, he chose the filtered ones. Then after smoking the cigarette and thoroughly enjoying this pleasure, he asked the woman if she had any booze.
"Of course I do, would you like me to make you a martini? I have both gin and vermouth but I can easily fix you another drink if that's what you prefer."
"No, a martini would be perfect," the man replied. So the lady opened up a well-stocked bar in the bow of her boat and made him a extra dry martini with an olive and he drank it and even asked for another, since it was so good.
The lady was now wondering if this man might be receptive to some sex since he obviously hadn't been with any women for over four years and he certainly was very attractive and seemed fit and social. So she decided to broach the subject with him and said, "I bet you've been quite lonely living on this island alone for over four years. Speaking for myself, I can tell you that I certainly have. Do you want to play around?"
"God! You mean you also have golf clubs on that boat?" replied the man.

BASEBALL

IRISHMAN VISITING THE U.S.

An Irishman is visiting his brother in the United States. Since the Irishman had never seen a major league baseball game, his brother decides to take him to see the Boston Red Sox play. They are in the stadium and the first Red Sox batter comes to the plate. He hits the ball into the outfield and takes off running down the white line towards first base. The fans yell, "Run, man, run!"
The Irishman watches in amazement as the drama unfolds and the first hitter reaches the base. Then the next batter comes to the plate and he also hits the ball into the outfield and starts running down the white line towards first base. The fans scream again,"Run, man, run" until the second batter safely arrives at first base. The third batter comes into the batter's box and this time he takes four pitches for balls and starts to walk slowly towards first base.
The Irishman looks at his brother and asks why no one is yelling for him to run. The brother replies by telling him that he gets to walk because he has four balls. The Irishman thinks he realizes what is happening and starts yelling, "Walk with pride!"