darwinawards

For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

And The 1999 Darwin Award Winner Is . . .
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.

Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.

Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Bakers earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworker's that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.

Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.

Bakers body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Bakers unfinished beers had exploded.

1998 Darwin Awards Winner

Japan Times -- April 16, 1997

"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."

He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."

It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock.

One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."

"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

The 1998 Darwin Awards Nominees:

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge,VA, but could not reach him.

It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.

Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents.

Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and cuts on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.

Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

9. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects.

10. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and a least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say,"said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

11. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

1). The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;

2). The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;

3). To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked patrol car parked at the front door;

4). An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

12. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol.

The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman, and was taken to hospital, where he died - of hypothermia.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

(1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

(2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

And The 1997 Darwin Award Winner Is . . .

Look, up in the sky. Is it a bird, a plane, the space shuttle? No, it's Larry Walters of North Hollywood at 16,000 feet in his lawn chair. "I know it sounds strange but it's true," said a Long Beach police officer. "The guy just filled up some balloons with helium, strapped on a parachute, grabbed a BB gun and took off."

Walters, 33, a truck driver for a company that produces TV commercials, spent nearly two hours in the air as he flew in an aluminum lawn chair (a $109 aluminum Sears model, just in case you needed to know) suspended from a 50-foot cable attached to helium-filled balloons. The flight started from a friend's house in San Pedro and ended when Larry crashed landed in Long Beach.

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard until he took matters into his own hands. He used 42 six foot diameter weather balloons that he purchased from a local army surplus store, tied them to the chair and pumped them full of helium. 6 friends untethered the craft (which he had fondly dubbed "Inspiration I") from the jeep he used to hold it on the ground and Larry was airborne.

He had outfitted himself with a large bottle of soda, some snacks, a parachute and a portable CB radio to alert air traffic to his presence. He also took a camera but later admitted, "I was so amazed by the view I didn't even take one picture."

Walters, with no pilot or ballon training, soared up to 16,000 feet (that's right, 3 miles !!!) startling at least two airline pilots who happened across the path of his weird flying contraption as he entered into the airspace (and onto the radar screens ) of LAX. Someone radioed the Federal Aviation Administration.

A regional safety inpector, Neal Savoy, said the flying lawn chair was spotted by incredulous Trans World Airlines and Delta Airlines jetliner pilots at 16,000 feet above sea level.

"We know he broke some part of the Federal Aviation Act, and as soon as we decide which part it is, some type of charges will be filed," Mr. Savoy said. "If this character had a pilot's license, we'd suspend that, but he doesn't."

Larry initially claimed that he had only intended to rise to about 100 feet, but everything didn't go as planned when the tethers broke. Minutes later, he was frantically calling for help over his citizens band radio.

"This guy broke into our channel with a mayday," said Doug Dixon, a member of an Orange County citizens band radio club. "He said he'd up shot into the LA sky like he'd been launched from a cannon and was now floating around so high up that he was getting numb from the cold. The guy sounded like he was kinda losin' it, real scared. That's when he said he was gonna start blasting away at those big balloons. Then we lost contact and thought he was a goner"

Larry really had "lost his grip", his freezing fingers caused him to accidentally drop both the pistol and radio overboard. The chair drifted downward, loosely controlled as he jettisioned the gallon jugs of water attached to the sides of the chair as ballast. As he neared the ground he spotted power lines. "That's when I got really excited. I thought I was going to get toasted so I tossed as much as I could spare off of the Inspiration" he said. "Those wires can really fry you." But he didn't get fried, the balloons fortunately draped themselves across the wires and left Larry dangling comfortably in his chair about 5 feet from the ground. He finished what was left of his soda and jumped back to earth. The crash landing knocked out power in the Long Beach area for 20 minutes.

Larry stated, "By the grace of God, I have fulfilled my dream, and if I hadn't done it, I would have ended up in the funny farm. But I wouldn't do this again for anything. Now I'm staying on the ground. I've proved to myself that the helium thing works." Critiquing the equipment he chose for the voyage including the BB gun, parachute, one-gallon water jugs for ballast, life vest and CB radio, Larry commented, "The best piece of equipment was the chair, it was a "Sears Best", just excellent, it was extremely strong and really comfortable."

He eventually admitted that his original plan was to drift out over the Mojave Desert site of Sunday's scheduled space shuttle Columbia landing. "I hung out over LA as long as I could, but I was afraid I was getting blown out to sea, the winds just didn't cooperate. I wasn't trying to upstage the space shuttle," Larry explained. "I would have landed before I got in the way of that spaceship. I just wanted to lay back on that chair and enjoy it all, but then I knew I had to do something really radical when my fingers and toes started getting numb." Police said they probably would not file charges against Walters. But the Federal Aviation Administration was investigating, mainly because of the scare he gave the airline pilots who came across him at 16,000 feet.

The stunt ultimately earned Walters the Darwin Award, the top prize from the Bonehead Club of Dallas, the altitude record for gas-filled clustered balloons (which could not be officially recorded because he was unlicensed and unsanctioned), international admiration and the threat of fines in excess of $10,000 (later reduced to $1,500) from the FAA.

"So much for experimental design aircraft," said Larry, "If the friggin' FAA was there when the Wright Brothers were testing their plane, then they would never have been able to make their first flight at Kitty Hawk." The F.A.A. cited him for four violations of the Federal Aviation Act, including operating a "civil aircraft for which there is not currently in effect an airworthiness certificate" and operating an aircraft within an airport traffic area "without establishing and maintaining two-way communications with the control tower."

Larry appeared on "The Tonight Show" in Burbank and was flown to New York to be on "Late Night With David Letterman," which he later described as "the most fun I've ever had." He later told the L.A. Times, "I didn't think that by fulfilling my goal in life -- my dream -- that would create such a stir, and make people laugh so hard."

Larry abandoned his truck-driving job and went on the lecture circuit, remaining sporadically in demand at motivational seminars. But he said he never made much money from his innovative flight and was glad to keep his simple lifestyle.

He gave his "aircraft" -- the aluminum lawn chair -- to some of the admiring Long Beach neighborhood kids after he landed, later regretting it.

In recent years, Walters hiked the San Gabriel Mountains and did volunteer work for the U.S. Forest Service. "I love the peace and quiet," he told The Times. "Nature and I get along real well."

And The 1996 Darwin Award Winner Is . . .

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes and an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was determined by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 miles per hour and continuing full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

1995 Darwin Award Nominees
San Jose Mercury News
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Unknown, 25 March
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods.It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario
Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police."It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said."It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."

UPI, Toronto
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of thefirm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was"one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

[ed. note - I think this guy should win, not only because he removed some incredibly stupid genes from the pool, but he also eliminated a lawyer in the process... :] (best and brightest? whatever does that say about the rest of them?)

AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995
Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent.The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo.The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

Times of London
A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters.Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.



	You need Java to see this applet.