actualquotes

Stupid Employers

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in WA.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Unknown Submission)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in
one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the
memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled
in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

Real Driving School Answers

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

      Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
      A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

      Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
           same time?
      A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
           don't kill people. I do."

      Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
      A: Your car.

      Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
      A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

      Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
           lawfully?
      A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

      Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
      A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

      Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
           yellow traffic light?
      A: The color.

      Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
      A: Heavy psychedelics.

      Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
      A: Carry loaded weapons.

Real Court Testimony

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

--------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
     forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
     morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
     lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
    doesn't know about it until the next morning?

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
     sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Stupid Employees

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in large US corporations.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom . . . and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't-be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far . . . and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, . . . he's the other one."

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

(36) "The lights are dim, and no one is home."

(37) "As of the completion of his initial training period, this man has honed his selling skills to about the sharpness of a marble."