barjokes

Why would anyone want to get married?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

Squeezably soft

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

"How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." (pangloss)

Mr. Peanut never talked

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say,

"Wow! You look GREAT tonight!"

The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!

"That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!"

He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?"

And the man replies, "Good things, why?"

And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts."

People say the funniest things when they're drunk

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"

The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."

The drunk says, "Kiss my big white ass, 'cuz I don't have any money!"

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too"

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks.

The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white ass!"

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"

The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"

Oedipus at the bar and home

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court."

The bartender replies "I'll you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little mad."

"Such as?" asks the patron.

"Do you ever go down on her?"

The patron replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!"

"I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing."

"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"

Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed.

The response in incredible!

Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle.

"I don't know how you beat me in here," he says "but be quick! I've got an emergency!"

"Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"

Slapstick comedy

This white guy walks into a bar and he starts talking with a black guy who is sitting next to him. After a couple of beers they decide to go take a pee together. As they are in the men's room, the white guy glances at the black's dick.

"Gee, I really wish I had a dick like that," says the white guy.

"Well", says the black, "all you have to do is hit your penis on the bath tab for ten minutes every morning, and you'll get it."

The other guy thanks him for his advice and walks out of the bar.

Some months later they meet again in the same bar, and they start talking.

"Well", says the black man, "did you take the advice?"

"I did," says the other guy.

"So, let me see."

The white guy lowers his pants and shows him his penis.

"Ha!" says the black guy, "at least you made the color like mine!!" (nikos GR)

The parrot retires in Tahiti

A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

I know just how that dog feels

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Variety act

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqu�."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch--a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Frankly, I don't know anyone who wishes they were white

An Indian walks into a bar with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other. He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey, throws the bag in the corner, pulls out his gun and shoots the bag, causing shit to fly out of the bag. He then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards.

The dumbfounded bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?!"

The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey eat pussy and shoot the shit."

Why didn't he just turn on the light?

This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar. "Get out of here!" says the bartender.

"I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the drunk.

"I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender.

"I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.

"Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "alright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards you get the hell out of my bar!"

The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down.

"What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender.

"I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk.

"Why, you stupid shit!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop bucket!!"

Nuts

A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit." He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie." The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.

"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary."

We're colonized by wankers

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

Ribbed or lubricated?

A guy walks into a bar and tells everyone there "Give me all your money, watches, jewelry and anything else of value or I will inject you with the AIDS virus." Then he produces a syringe. One by one everyone hands over all their stuff except one man at the end of the bar.

"I told you to hand over all your stuff or I'll inject you with the AIDS virus."

The man at the bar said "Go ahead, I'm wearing a condom."

Mind over what matters

Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, "You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I'll jump off the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd."

He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.

"Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg.

Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's minds like that."

Now why wouldn't a woman do the same?

4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only one stool. What do they do?

They turn it over.

This is by no means an endorsement on the term 'fag'

This fag walks into a bar and sits down at the counter and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says "We don't serve your kind in here. Get the hell out."

The fag says "It's hotter than hell outside and I could really use a cold beer. I'll just sit over in the corner and not bother anyone if you'll just get me one beer."

The bartender says "No, I told you we don't serve your kind in here so get the hell out now."

The fag says "How bout if I take a drink out of this spitoon will you give me a drink?"

"NO, get out before I call the cops." says the bartender.

The fag picks up the spitoon and starts drinking out of it. "That's disgusting put that shit down and get the hell out of here!" the bartender says.

The fag keeps on drinking.

"STOP!!" yells the bartender. "You're grossing out my customers!"

The fag still keeps on drinking.

"FINE, FINE!! Here's your fucking beer, just put that shit down!"

The fag is still drinking.

Finally the fag puts the spitoon down. The bartender says "Why in the hell did you keep drinking out of that spitoon? I gave you you're damn beer."

The fag replies "I couldn't stop, it was all one wad!"

I thought the whiskey would help too

This cowboy walks into the saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and the cowboy downs it in one gulp. Immediately he rushes back out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.

He then goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and once again the cowboy downs it in one gulp then rushes out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.

He goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. By this time there are a number of other patrons looking at him with a fair bit of interest. The bartender decides he'd better ask what's going on before the cowboy gets too drunk to answer.

"So, Cowboy, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and kiss your horse on the bum?"

The Cowboy (in his best drawl) replies "Chapped lips."

The bartender says with some surprise "Oh, does that cure them?"

The cowboy says "Nope, but it sure stops me lickin' 'em".

Animal Quackers

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"

Is it just me, or should they put a sign up telling patrons to watch out for these things?

A guy walks into a bar. His buddy laughs and says, "Don't worry, I didn't see it either."

Twah?

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

Maybe he was blind, but then that's not very funny is it?

A guy walks into a bar, right? Which is really kind of stupid, cause you'd think that he would have seen it first.

I'd just like to say: I really hate that Lord of the Dance guy

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun is ugly!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't." says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBLT."

Bathrooms: Society needs them

A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can't find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says "Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?"

That's one classy bar

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?"

The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."

Someone will have to explain this to me later. Much later.

A man, a duck, and OJ walk into a bar.

A person in the bar says, "Oh, look, a man," and everyone in the bar says some prayer.

The next person in the bar says "Duck," and everyone in the bar ducks.

Finally, a third man says, "Oh, looky there. A killer in a black suit."

OJ says to the man, "Only on weekends."

These are so quick, you don't have time to laugh

A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling.

A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining "The drinks were OK but there is no atmosphere."

He should stick to email

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

No explanation required

A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?"

The fish croaks "water."

It's funnier if you think horses can speak

A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says: "Hey, we have a whiskey here named after you!"

The horse then says: "What? 'Eric?'"

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer� wiener

Two homeless guys pull all there money together and they still don't have enough to buy a drink. Homeless #1 says "Lets go buy a hot dog."

Homeless #2 says "How is that going to get us something to drink?"

Homeless #1 says "Well we buy the hot dog, throw away the bun, I'll take the dog and put it down my pants, we go to a bar, order some drinks, drink them fast and when the bartender askes for the money, I'll pull down my zipper, you drop to your knees and act like your blowing me, and then the bartender will throw us out for being faggots."

Homeless #2 thinks about it and said OK. The two go to a bar, order 2 double Jack and cokes and gulp them down real fast. When the bartender says that will be $10.50, homeless #1 unzips his pants and pulls out the hot dog and homeless #2 drops to his knees and starts sucking on it. The bartender jumps over the bar and kicks the two of them out.

The two were happy about this and decided to go to other bars. Well, they hit 9 bars and finally Homeless #2 says "Man we're going to have to change or do something else because my knees are hurting from jumping down all the time."

Homeless #1 says "Well you think that bad, I lost the hot dog after the 3rd bar."

Riki Tiki Tavi gets a man

A guy walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder, puts it on the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender sees the ferret and says, "Hey buddy, what's with the ferret?"

The guy says "I tell ya what pal, this ferret gives the best blowjob on the planet�'

The bartender looks at him and says "Get the fuck outta here and take your rat with you!"

The guy says "take the ferret in the back and if your not satisfied, I'm outta here�"

Ten minutes later the bartender comes out of the back room with the ferret, drops it on the bar and says "DAMN, that was the best blowjob I've ever had, I'll give you $500 for it."

The guy goes "Sorry pal, it's not for sale."

The bartender says "I'll go as high as $2000."

"SOLD", the guy yells, and walks out of the bar.

The bartender quickly closes up, grabs the ferret and heads home. When he opens the door to his house, his wife is standing in the kitchen, she says "what the hell is that?"

He passes the ferret to his wife and says "Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!"

Hot Heffer

A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls."

A gay guy in the corner goes "MOOOOOOO!"

This is just a warm up

A guy walks into a bar.

The guy behind him ducks.

Dogs are great

Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them.

First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."

The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.

Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"

The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.

Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."

This is why we have to check for IDs

A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The giraffe passes out and man gets up to leave.

Barman says "you can't leave that lying there."

Man says "it's not a lion it's a giraffe."

Can I borrow a feeling?

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

And this is why we have bathrooms, people

This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."

The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."

"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart dixie!"

The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"

The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.

"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.

"Sure.", says the bartender.

As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the Q-ball.

"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.

"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my Q-ball."

"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the Q-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?"

The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the Q-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?"

"He isn't going to eat the Q-ball is he?", asked the bartender.

"No he's over that.", explained the guy.

Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut.

"What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.

The guy comes out of the bathroom.

"Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act.

"Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the Q-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits."

It's sooooooo true

This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.

The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.

The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?"

The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full"

The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons.

The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.

The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke....... and some folks can't"

Jockeying for a position

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'