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| ***WARNING*** Some content on this page may be triggering. Please keep yourself safe while reading. |
| October 27, 2002 2:48 AM I'm hiding From what? The world But it's okay, I'm leaving soon Leaving? Reality. I can't even feel it. Nothing. I'm completely numb. I felt the first one. My first wrist. I felt the pain and I could see it. The next - I couldn't see it, I couldn't feel it. It was there though. I could see all the colors. But I still couldn't feel it. It wasn't there. It was like all the pain of feeling had just left. And what was left was me. An empty shell. With no feelings. Oh my God why can't I feel it? And I was doing so good too. Just today I was talking about how all my SI was over and I hadn't done that for 2 months. I was so proud. And I opened my big mouth. And there is 1/7 change that someone will die in their sleep tonight cause of me. And I'm sitting here on the phone with him, listening to him sing softly to himself and cry. I don't know if I'll ever hear this again. I'm going to soak it all up. Remember everything. November 8, 2002 11:44 PM Planned Parenthood - Bellevue (425)-747-1050 1420 156th Street NE Suite-C Bellevue, WA 98007 From I-5 head east on 520 - Take 148th Street exit - Take right off exit - Take left 3rd light (20th and Northrup) - Take right 2nd light (156th Street NE) - Take left after next light into 1st or 2nd driveway - In back left corner M - 10:30AM - 8PM T - 8:30AM - 5PM W - 10:30AM - 8PM TH - 10AM - 6PM F - 8:30AM - 5PM S - 9AM -1:30PM SU - Not open December 7, 2002 4:17 PM I feel plagued. I have an overwhelming sense of ickyness. I feel unimportant and out of control and I really hate that. People need to mind their own business. This is MY life, so stay the fuck out of it. January 3, 2003 11:45 PM I hate my life. Can you even call this a life? Well whatever it is I fucking hate it. There's nothing good in my world. Apparently I've "ruined my mom's life." I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm paranoid as all hell - I don't trust anyone. I get mad at people for things they may no even have done - things I've conjured up in this fucked up head of mine. I get pissed at my fucking man cuz I've brought about the idea that he's just using me and that he's been lying to me. Fuck that. And my mother thinks I've gotten through all my hard times - ha of course you think that I smile all the time! :o) January 4, 2003 3:23 AM Why do I have to think so much? And seriously like ***** is so good to me and I'm just a bitch to him...he doesn't deserve it - hell, nobody deserves my drama all my shit. He left work just to come pick me up and drive me around and hug me. Who does that? WHY would he do that I don't understand and why don't I trust him why don't I trust anybody?? ~ Save me from myself Cover my cries with a smile ~ "I mean who like, carves into their arm?" My mom said that to me today. All I said was "not me." She knew about my past SI but not about the present, so I do my best to keep it that way. She saw a couple cuts on my right arm a few days ago and I told her my cat scratched me. She believed it. My only worry is her seeing more - I can't tell her my cat did it forever. Ay, I'll figure something out. I hope. 6:15 PM Okay so apparently my boyfriend's mom knows about my SI and actually fuck that his whole FAMILY knows about my SI - even his mom's boyfriend - like what the fuck you know? I guess his little brother heard us talking about God knows what and told his mom and his mom told her boyfriend ((why??)) and his brother's like girlfriend or something or ex-girlfriend or whatever used to cut herself ((it's a small world after all...)) and he took her to the ER and she told them it was his fault ((umm...okay - that's a new one...)) and so now his mom's all paranoid and like - "If she doesn't stop that you better leave her alone or you could get into trouble" Okay...? January 9, 2003 7:52 PM Stop loving me Stop your words Stop everything you tell me I know it's not true ~ The day I put my trust in you Will be the day I say "I do" ~ I've been burned so much before I can't take it once more I'm hiding behind my smile Isn't life grand?? You're so cold to me I'm broken in all the special places And I'm just searching for a face I know There's nothing but the rain To shadow all this pain I'm screaming without a sound. January 13, 2003 8:21 PM How do I know the right words to say How do I know that you'll feel the same way I practiced my lines a thousand times But in your presence they leave my mind I want guarantees My heart for you bleeds Should I stay quiet for some time My heart gets cloudy Smoke fills my mind Quiet - Hush - Do you hear that too? That's my heart - | - ~ Beating ~ - | - It beats for y o u... ~ 8:30 PM I'm loved for 23.45 trillion light-years. Wow. January 14, 2003 1:51 AM You're just a normal girl. Nothing more. You're worthless. You're really a horrible person. It's funny how someone's views of you can change so quickly. |
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