| How to impress a woman: Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Believe in her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. How to impress a man: Show up naked. Bring food. |
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| Feeling overwhelmed? No problem. Chill here for a while and take a load off. Oh yeah, and don't forget to |
| =) S M I L E! =) |
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| "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28:20 |
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| Everyday is so wonderful Then suddenly It's hard to breathe Now and then I get insecure From all the pain I'm so ashamed I am beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring me down I am beautiful in every single way Yes words can't bring me down So don't you bring me down today To all your friends You're delirious So consumed in all your doom Trying hard to fill the emptiness The pieces gone Left the puzzle undone Is that the way it is You are beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring you down Cause you are beautiful in every single way Yes words can't bring you down So don't you bring me down today No matter what we do No matter what we say We're the song inside the tune Full of beautiful mistakes And everywhere we go The sun will always shine And tomorrow we might awake on the other side Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say Yes words won't bring us down, no We are beautiful in every single way Yes words can't bring us down So don't you bring me down today - Christina Aguilera |
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| 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 4. We can cry and get out of (most) speeding fines. 5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. 6. Taxis stop for us. 7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 8. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 9. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. 10. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month. 11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt. 14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 16. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 19. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 20. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 21. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 22. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 23. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra. 24. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous (whereas guys look like complete idiots in our clothes). 25. We can hug a friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 26. We can hug a friend without wondering if WE'RE gay. 27. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex. 28. If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling. 29. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 30. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected. 31. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real. 32. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 33. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 34. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month. 35. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 36. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable. 37. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 38. We're NOT men. |
| Benefits of Being a Woman: |
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| Dear ________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention for Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply ... ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it or subjecting my children to it. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling in a fit of passion. ___The fact that our dining experiences to date have left my wallet a little lighter, and your pants a little tighter! ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ___Your constant emailing shows me you have too much time on your hands! ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___The phrase "my mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. ___You still live with your parents. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms disconcerting. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, Cruella DeVille |
| How to Dump a Man Not sure how to get rid of Mr. Wrong? Just fill in the blanks! |
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| Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew: |
| 1. Crying is blackmail. 2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. 4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 5. Get rid of your cat. 6. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 7. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 9. You have too many shoes. 10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. 12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 17. Sunday = Sports. 18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap-opera guys. 19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -- not both. 23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 24. You have enough clothes. 25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex. |
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| Women's English: |
| Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole |
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| I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let's have sex now I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we'd better have sex now! Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys (while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay |
| Men's English: |
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| When you get caught in the rain With nowhere to run When you're distraught and in pain Without anyone When you keep crying out to be saved But nobody comes And you feel so far away That you just can't find your way home You can get there alone It's ok Won't you say I can make it through the rain I can stand up once again On my own and I know That I'm strong enough to mend And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith And I live one more day And I make it through the rain And if you keep falling down Don't you dare give in You will arise safe and sound So keep pressing on steadfastly And you'll find what you need To prevail Won't you say I can make it through the rain I can stand up once again On my own and I know That I'm strong enough to mend And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith And I live one more day And I make it through the rain And when the wind blows And shadows grow close Don't be afraid There's nothing you can't face And should they tell you You'll never pull through Don't hesitate Stand tall and say I can make it through the rain I can stand up once again On my own and I know That I'm strong enough to mend And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith And I live one more day And I make it through the rain Oh yes, you can You're gonna make it through the Rain - Mariah Carey |
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| Hershey's Kisses are called that because, according to company legend, when the chocolate paste hits the steel roller it makes a lip-smacking sound. No matter how hard you try (and you will), you cannot lick your own elbow. The price of Reese Witherspoon's 4.4 carat Tiffany diamond engagement ring in Sweet Home Alabama is $174,500! There are Sex and the City packages at places like the Muse hotel in New York City, where you can book a room for two for $435 and have a pajama party with in-room massages, midnight milk and cookies, breakfast in bed, and makeup party favors. You even get taken on a tour of all the location they film on SATC, like the Jimmy Choo store and Aidan's bar. Given the choice of mating or feeding, a male shrimp will sometimes choose to eat his date. So much for romance. In a survey conducted by The Integer Group, women said the prize they most want to win instead of a million dollars is a week on an island with Brad Pitt. (I'm guessing Jennifer stays home.) Some of the weirdest, most random items people tried to auction off on eBay: rattlesnake meat, a belt buckle with a glass eye, a goat-toenail bracelet, a shark fetus, a photo of a woman's colon from her colonoscopy, and scrotum bags! Brides from the Calabari tribe in southeastern Nigeria go to fattening farms before their weddings where they're fed mucho food and massaged into rounder shapes. Research conducted by the University of Louisville in Kentucky showed that redheads need 20 percent more anesthesia than brunettes and blonds. It's not cool just to have the smallest cell phone: Celebs have ones decorated with diamonds, and some phones include laptops and cameras. Like road rage, there's a new trend called office rage. A study found that 51% of women have nearly punched a colleague! Lions have sex up to 100 times a day for several days to make sure the female gets fertilized. Guess why the bride stands to the groom's left at the wedding: so that his sword hand is free. Brides were often kidnapped during nuptials, and brawls were common. That's also why the best man stands with the groom - to help him defend the bride. When surveyed in a scent poll, women said they'd most like to catch a whiff of Ben Affleck, Will Smith, and Josh Hartnett. A recent study shows that if you live together before tying the knot, your guy is more likely to share household chores. - Compiled from 2002/2003 Cosmopolitan Magazines. |
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