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| ***WARNING*** Some content on this page may be triggering. Please keep yourself safe while reading. |
| August 18, 2002 1:32 AM Scream your smiles. Tell the world you're happy. Dance around daisies In long sleeved shirts. Keep secrets. Look down. Feel content. A sense of accomplishment. Cry only when alone. Scream in silence. August 22, 2002 5:03 AM Evaluate me. Analyze me. Want me. Need me. Diagnose me. Touch me. I'm real. Hug me. I feel. Cut me. I bleed. Hit me. I bruise. I'm alive. August 23, 2002 1:07 AM There's no one I can talk to for fear of betrayal, abandonment. They'll look at me differently. My own MOTHER looks at me differently. I can't even talk to her. I have to wear a smile around her too. The world wants me to be the image they've set for me. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. They love me when I'm "me". But when I'm actually ME, something comes around that isn't socially acceptable they turn and run. So if I have to wear a mask for the world, and a mask at home, then I really don't fit in anywhere do I? There's nowhere I can go and just BE. The people, the person who knows ME, I'm worried they'll become sick of all my "drama" and drop me. Slowly disconnect with me and act like they don't know what happened, we just lost touch. I'll be me for myself, the rest of the world doesn't need a peek inside. 2:35 AM I'm hurting. You can't see it. My pain is inside of me. I scream in silence. Show my pain on my body. You'll see I'm hurting. Scratch and carve the words that my mind says into my arms. Read them. Wonder. You will see I'm hurting if it shows on my body. My screams are silent. 2:43 AM I'm just a girl, you know. I'm not any different from anyone else. You have your ways of coping. I have mine. Don't ask why I'm always in long sleeves. Don't question my cuts and bruises. It's not an ice-breaker. Kitty did it. That's from a barbwire fence. I slammed my wrist in the car door, silly me. I fell down. You don't really want to hear the truth do you? I carve on my arms, I cut myself, I scratch at my forearms, I bang. You wouldn't understand. I wouldn't expect you to. So I will wear my long sleeves and continue to give false information when questioned. You will never know. August 24. 2002 3:18 AM I bleed. You cry. August 25, 2002 2:08 PM Do you know What it's like to hurt inside What it's like to have thoughts words cannot explain Feel things that you don't know Do you know How it feels to bang your wrist How you immediately calm down Do you know what it's like? The sense of relief as the razor's silvery blade drags across your skin Do you know How it feels to have people stare Ask questions Do you know What it's like to constantly be on guard Make up lies Do you know? August 26, 2002 2:35 AM What the fuck is your problem you stupid bitch? What am I a goddamn freak show? You want to fucking examine me like I'm a dog or something. YOU'RE NOT SEEING MY WRISTS - DEAL WITH IT. What the hell is so goddamn interesting about my arms? Does something intrigue you? You can't help but notice? YEAH YA CAN! Why the hell are you looking anyways? I feel defenseless. What makes your eyes avert towards my arms? I'M JUST A HUMAN. I'm not crazy, insane, coo-coo, out of it, mental, mad. I'm just coping. Coping with what? One might ask. Your life isn't bad. What are you so sad about? You're pretty, popular, talented, your friends adore you, you're trusted, everyone loves you. Fuck that. Why are you so sad? I'm not sad all the time. Geeze - don't act like I have the fucking plague or something. You get sad too, don't you? Yup. Me too. But I don't do that. Well I do. Why though? What is so bad? What makes you so sad? Take a trip through my mind and find out. 2:24 AM I'm torn. Feelings between two people - do I love him? I think I do. If you loved him would you still kiss someone else? Tell them you miss them and want to love them? I think I have a commitment problem. And I wonder if he really cares about me. Or if it's all just game. He kissed me. Did he mean it? I can't tell. God, I really want him to. But for some reason I'm just not so sure. Why am I so gullible? Why do I believe everything I hear and everything people tell me? I think I'm falling in love with you. Bullshit. How many times have I heard that. You've known me three days, you crazy stalker. Of course I always end up saying it back and even when they're drunk I believe every word they say. Because I want to. How fucking stupid can you get?! And I wonder why I'm always getting hurt. Because I want to believe everything they say. I want it all to be true. I need to harden up. My shield needs to be steel instead of plastic and I need better armor. Because sticks and stones may break my bones but words will scar the soul. August 28, 2002 1:37 AM You wonder why I cry Why red tears sting my skin You feed me lies 2 people,1 line And you wonder why I cry 2:27 AM We both bleed, Angel Our tears are red while theirs are blue We're not alone, Angel God loves us, too We feel deeper Cry harder Smile wider Don't be sad, Angel I'm always here for you We're not alone, Angel God loves us, too 3:07 AM Maybe you can hurt yourself enough on the outside, that you forget about the pain on the inside. August 30, 2002 2:55 AM Beautiful serenity. Thank you silence. Touched by wisdom. The warmth of love. God's grace. The flawlessness. Beauty so extreme. You're an angel to me. 3:02 AM Maybe this song is for violence Maybe this song is for peace Maybe this song is for the rich Or those sleeping in the streets Maybe from this you'll fine strength Maybe it will speak to you when nothing else matters And the world seems far away Regardless - I hope you find faith Look through me See God's glowing love Watching from above I've been cold, Jesus I've felt pain, Jesus Comfort me, Jesus Oh, come to me, Jesus Maybe this song is for love Maybe this song is for hate Maybe you'll feel hurt Or it'll bring a smile to your face I've got an Angel He watches me from above He says - "Give me your faith - Give me your pain" Look through me See God's glowing love Watching from above I've been cold, Jesus I've felt pain, Jesus Comfort me, Jesus Oh, come to me, Jesus Put distress to rest He will stop your pain 3:13 AM She loved the color pink. She would always tell me she had no makeup on when her face was flawless. She always had at least 5 boyfriends - Technically And was "together" with at least 3 more. She giggled when guys asked if we were girlfriends. She thought of us as Romy and Michele. That was her favorite movie. We had plans. We were best friends. She loved black guys. She had a thing for them. She loved thugs. She had the prettiest smile and the best laugh. She gave the greatest hug. She was a liar. I love her. She just disappeared one day. And now my friend is gone. |
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