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| ***WARNING*** Some content on this page may be triggering. Please keep yourself safe while reading. |
| July 30, 2002 2:45 AM I don't think I trust anyone 100%. There's always that lingering "what if" in the back of my mind. I don't think I even trust myself 100%. I think I'm scared of getting hurt. Cause when you give your complete and full trust to someone, put all your faith in them, and open your heart fully and allow them to come in, you put yourself in such a vulnerable situation. It's like walking on eggshells or something and it almost seems safer to not let them get too close, because that way if you get hurt it won't be so bad because you didn't get too attached anyway. Do you think I have a commitment or trust issue? Am I just being smart and thinking ahead? I just don't want to get burned. I'll play it safe for now. August 4, 2002 1:32 AM Blonde hair / Blue wrists / Brown eyes / Red scars / White teeth / Cold heart 1:45 AM Red, black, and blue. There's a rainbow on my wrists. 1:55 AM Don't tell me you love me / Don't kiss me so sweet / Don't hug me so soft / Don't touch me so gently / Don't send me flowers / I'm sensitive / I'm naive / Don't tell me you love me / I might believe you 2:06 AM You can't hide yourself from God. August 6, 2002 1:51 AM How am I feeling - I don't know. I don't know how I am feeling. I'm sad. I don't know why. We all get sad. August 8, 2002 11:54 PM Love. Passion. Strength. He has them all. Beauty. Compassion. Desire. That look you get after sex. The warm touch. The caress. The sensation of skin on skin. It drives you wild. I love you. August 9, 2002 9:44 PM I hate. I'm not crazy - I'm amplified. I'm not dead yet. My heart is not cold. Are you failing to see this? My heart is bleeding. Red blood. I'm the same as you. Not blue, yellow, or green. It's not black. I bleed red blood. It's the same as yours. Half of everything I thought I knew turned out to be false. No one understands me. I have one person. I'm only me what the fuck is everyone expecting? Mother fucking Teresa? I AM ONLY ME. And I don't mind me. Most of the time. So my wrists are more colorful than yours. I yell louder. I hit more and harder. Big fucking deal. More makes me angry. I get angry easier. Not a big fucking deal. I'm constantly asked to look at myself. Do I have any flaws? What are my flaws? Are they flaws? They world is a big place with a lot of people and 99% of them don't give a flying fuck about you unless you're someone important. How do you explain to someone the laws of a parallel universe, if they are laws. What comes up may not always come down, a body at rest may not always stay at rest. The laws of physics are suspended. And it is easy to slip into a parallel universe. There are so many of them. The world of the insane, the crippled, the criminal, and perhaps the dead as well. Talking of it makes it seems distant and invisable. Once in it, however, the world you come from is easily visable and clear. And it is scary sometimes. August 11, 2002 6:15 PM My mind is like a white room. August 12, 2002 3:07 AM I can hear your heart. I can feel it beating. Have you ever placed your mind outside of your body and switched your vision with that of your best friend or boyfriend or girlfriend. The person physically nearest to you. Or perhaps the person across the room. Since you never actually see yourself without the aid of cameras or mirrors, you must replace your vision with theirs in order to see yourself in a new light. Replace not only your vision, but your hearing and this way you may begin to see what they are seeing and hear what they are hearing. Next, bring those visions and sounds back into your own self as you place your mind inside of your body again. Then since you have seen yourself without any aid except your own self ((mind)), you are able to assess yourself properly. August 13, 2002 5:47 AM Have you ever liked pain? Has it ever felt good? Yes, that's why I bang. Yeah, I got bored. Sometimes people get addicted to it. The way nicotine or alcohol is addictive. The harder you bang, it just builds up...something inside of you, which makes you want to hit harder and harder. So you do. Because if attainable, don't most people try to get what they want? If you crave pain, then pain is what you will strive to acheive and you will. Because there are so many ways you can do it. There are preferable ways, but if you really want it, any kind will do. Banging is a dull pain at first, but then it intensifies the more you do it. Cutting is a sharp pain. I'm speaking second hand however, since I've never experienced it. I've thought about it though. Banging is so loud and to get the "best" results you have to wait 'til you have bruises to bang on top of. It feels so much better. It's not so dull. Cutting, however, gives you a quick fix. The pain comes the second the knife//blade digs into your skin. The problem, however, are the scars it leaves. Banging is perfect because the bruises fade and go away as if they were never there. Some things are better that way. August 15, 2002 2:58 AM My first therapy session today. She was nice. She asked me to tell her who I was. I couldn't do it. I don't know who I am. She wanted to know how I was feeling or what I was thinking before I banged. I told her I didn't know. I don't know how I am feeling. I told her sometimes I have thoughts or it's like something is going on that I'm usually concious of, but I don't know how to put it into words. I don't know how to say it or what even it is. I just know it's there. She told me she had worked with people in that situation before. She said it's scary. 3:05 AM You can't explain SI to someone who has never experienced it. It's impossible. They don't understand. They can't. There is no way for them to even begin to understand unless they have experienced it. You can't explain the sensation or the result. They can never understand. August 17, 2002 3:14 AM I scare him. My thoughts, my words, my mind. It all scares him. This side of me. Wouldn't that hurt? It doesn't hurt. Didn't I tell you? You can't explain SI to someone who has never experienced it. 11:04 PM My skin is my canvas. The blacks and blues say the words my lips can't form. You ask to see my bruises. My scars. You want me to push up my sleeves and let you in. Don't do that. Why do you do that? Please stop. You say to me And I look at you with empty eyes. You can see right through me. I feel naked. I feel fake. Non-existent. My world is shallow I'm playing a part in a movie. Do I still bleed? Bruise? Scar? I'm sorry. It's not because of you. Just leave me alone. Don't ask me questions or look at me funny. I'm still me. I haven't changed. Now that you know - Don't be so nice to me. Please don't watch what you say or be sympathetic. I'm still happy. I'm just amplified. 11:27 PM I have thoughts I can't explain. I can't find the words. Push up my sleeves, they tell a story. 11:42 PM Beauty. She walks through the halls with her black purse and plastic smile. She wore an expression that said "I'M PRETTY". You make me sick, Beauty. Twirling your hair and laughing at his racist jokes. You're disgusting, Beauty. You preach on animal safety. I see your fur coat. I despise you, Beauty. You smile and shake their hand, then turn your head and gag. You're pitiful, Beauty. You look like walking pornography. I hate you, Beauty. Everyone wants to be you. |
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