THE 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE

Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

Stephen R. Covey, 1990 ,Fireside

Created: October 26^th, 2003 Sunday 13:52, Ankara

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This book is related to building a strong character and success in all aspects of life. Notes that I took while reading:

• " If I try to use human influence strategies and tactics of how to get other people to do what I want, to work better, to be more motivated, to like me and each other - while my character is fundamentally flawed, marked by duplicity and insincerity - then, in the long run, I cannot be successful. My duplicty will breed distrust, and everything I do - even using so-called good human relations techniques - will be perceived as manipulative. It simply makes no difference how good the rhetoric is or even how good the intentions are; if there is little or no trust, there is no foundation for permanent success. Only basic goodness gives life to technique." (p.21)
• " In the words of Erich Fromm, an astute observer of the roots and fruits of the Personality Ethic:

  Today, we come across an individual who behaves like an automaton, who does not know or understand himself, and the only person that he knows is the person that he is supposed to be, whose meaningless chatter has replaced communicative speech, whose synthetic smile has replaced genuine laughter, and whose sense of dull despair has taken the place of genuine pain. Two statements may be said concerning this individual. One is that he suffers from defects of spontaneity and individuality which may seem to be incurable. At the same time it may be said of him he does not differ essentially from the millions of the rest of us who walk upon this earth." (p.36)

• " As we sincerely seek to understand and integrate these principles into our lives, I am convinced we will discover and rediscover the truth of T. S. Eliot's observation:

  We must not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time." (p.44)

• " We are what we repeatedly do. Exellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -- Aristotle " (p.46)
• " As an interdependent person, I have the opportunity to share myself deeply, meaningfully, with others, and I have access to the vast resources and potential of other human beings." (p.51)
• " Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things." (p.101)
• " Private victory precedes public victory...They've tried to jump into effective relationships without the maturity, the strength of character, to maintain them." (p.185)
• " Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others. " (p.186)
• " The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are...As we become independent-proactive, centered in correct principles, value driven and able to organize and execute around the priorities in our life with integrity - we then can choose to become interdependent - capable of building rich, enduring, highly productive relationships with other people...Interdepence opens up worlds of possibilities for deep, rich meaningful associations, for geometrically increased productivity, for serving for contributing, for learning, for growing. But it is also where we feel the greatest pain, the greatest frustration, the greatest roadblocks to happiness and success" (p.187)
• " An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship. It's the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.
  If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level will compansate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you'll get my meaning anyway. You won't make me an offender for a word. When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant and effective.
  
  But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then what flexibility do I have?
  
  None. I'm walking on mine fields. I have to be very careful of everything I say. I measure every word. It's a tension city, memo haven. It's protecting my backside, politicking. And many organizations are filled with it. Many families are filled with it.
  
  If a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits, a marriage will deteriorate. Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, the situation becomes one of accomodation, where two people simply attempt to live independent life-styles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way. The relationship may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness. The fight or flight response creates verbal battles, slammed doors, refusal to talk, emotional withdrawal and self-pity. It may end up in a cold war at home, sustained only by children, sex, social pressure, or image protection. Or it may end up in open warfare in the courts, where bitter ego decimating legal battles can be carried on for years as people endlessly confess the sins of a former spouse." (pp.188-189)
• " Building and repairing relationships takes time." (p.190)
• " The little kindnesses and courtesies are so important. Small discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals." (p.192)
• " People are very tender, very sensitive inside. I don't believe age or experience makes much difference. Inside, even within the most toughened and calloused exteriours, are the tender feelings and emotions of the heart." (p.193)
• " The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals." (p.194)
• " The deposit is to make the expectations clear and explicit in the beginning. This takes a real investment of time and effort up front, but it saves great amounts of time and effort down the road. When expectations are not clear and shared, people begin to become emotionally involved and simple misunderstandings become compounded, turning into personality clashes and communication breakdowns.
  
  Clarifying expectations sometimes takes a great deal of courage. It seems easier to act as though differences don't exist and to hope things will work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations." (p.195)
• " Integrity in an interdependent reality is simply this: you treat everyone by the same set of principles. As you do, people will come to trust you. They may not at first appreciate the honest confrontational experiences such integrity might generate. Confrontation takes considerable courage, and many people would prefer to take the course of least resistance, belittling and critisizing, betraying confidences, or participating in gossip." (p.196)
• " It takes of great of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize." (p.197)
• "Leo Roskin taught, 'It is the weak who are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.' "(p.198)
• "...when we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged."(p.199)
• "Dag Hammarskjold, past Secretary-General of the United Nations, once made a profound, far-reaching statement: 'It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.'
  
  I take that to mean that I could devote eight, ten, or twelve hours a day, five, six, or seven days a week to the thousands of people and projects 'out there' and still not have a deep, meaningful relationship with my own spouse, with my own teenage son, with my closest working associate. And it would take more nobility of character - more humility, courage, and strength - to rebuild that one relationship than it would to continue putting in all those hours for all those people and causes."(p.201)
• "Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions...Win/Win is a belief in the Third Alternative. It's not your way or my way; it's a better way, a higher way."(p.207)
• "When people are really hurting and you really listen with a pure desire to understand, you'll be amazed how fast they will open up. They want to open up. Children desperately want to open up even more to their parents than to their peers. And they will, if they feel their parents will love them unconditionally and will be faithful to them afterwards and not judge or ridicule them.
  
  ...skills will not be effective unless they come from a sincere desire to understand. People resent any attempt to manipulate them. In fact, if you're dealing with people you're close to, it's helpful to tell them what you're doing.
  
  The technique, the tip of the iceberg, has to come out of the massive base of character underneath."(p.252)
• "Emphatic listening takes time, but it doesn't take anywhere near as much time as it takes to back up and correct misunderstandings when you're already miles down the road, to redo, to live with unexpressed and unsolved problems, to deal with the results of not giving people psychological air."(p.253)
• "Notice the sequence: ethos , pathos, logos - your character [personal credibility], your relationships [emphaty], and then the logic of your presentation. This represents another major paradigm shift. Most people, in making presentations, go straight into logos, the left brain logic, of their ideas. They try to convince other people of the validity of that logic without first taking ethos and pathos into consideration"(p.255)
• "Because you really listen, you become influenceable. And being influenceable is the key to influencing others."(p.257)
• "And watch what happens to you. The more deeply you understand other people, the more you will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground."(p.258)
• "When you listen, you learn."(p.259)
• "The person who is truly effective has the humility and reverence to recognize his own perceptual limitations and to appreciate the rich resources available through interaction with the hearts and minds of other human beings. That person values the differences because those differences add to his knowledge, to his understanding of reality. When we're left to our own experiences, we constantly suffer from shortage of data."(p.277)
• "Most of us think we don't have enough time to exercise. What a distorted paradigm! We don't have time not to. We're talking about three to six hours a week - or a minimum of thirty minutes a day, every other day. That hardly seems an inordinate amount of time considering the tremendous benefits in terms of the impact on the other 162-165 hours of the week.
  
  A good exercise program is one that you can do in your own home and one that will build your body in three areas: endurance, flexibility, and strength."(p.289)
• "It is extremely valuable to train the mind to stand apart and examine its own program. That, to me, is the definiton of a liberal education - the ability to examine the programs of life against larger questions and purposes and other paradigms. Training, without such education, narrows and closes the mind so that the assumptions underlying the training are never examined. That's why is so valuable to read broadly and expose yourself to great minds."(p.295)
• "The person who doesn't read is no better off than the person who can't read.
  
  Writing is another powerful way to sharpen the mental saw. Keeping a journal of our thoughts, experiences, insights, and learnings promotes mental clarity, exactness, and context."(p.296)
• "In the words of Philip Brooks:

  Some day, in the years to come, you will be wrestling with the great temptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But the real struggle is here, now... Now it is being decided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer. Character cannot be made except by steady, long continued process. "(p.296-297)

• "Where does intrinsic security come from? It doesn't come from what other people think of us or how they treat us. It doesn't come from our circumstances or our position.
  
  It comes from within. It comes from accurate paradigms and correct principles deep in our own mind and heart. It comes from inside-out congruence, from living a life of integrity in which our daily habits reflect our deepest values."(p.298)
• "Goethe taught, 'Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be'"(p.301)
• "Your physical health affects your mental health; your spiritual strength affects your social/emotional strength. As you improve in one dimension, you increase your ability in the other dimensions as well."(p.303)
• "Again, T. S. Elliot expresses so beautifully my own personal discovery and conviction: 'We must not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time' "(p.319)

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