The Russellian Society

"Jokes"

Philosophers are obviously a merry band.

No responsibility is taken for the amusement value or otherwise of any of these alleged items of comedy...

Links to some phil-joke websites

http://www.workjoke.com/projoke70.htm -- funnier than my Nietzsche paper

http://jamaica.u.arizona.edu/~chalmers/phil-humor.html -- David Chalmers seems to be a droll fellow; links to lots of joke sites, philosophers' break-up lines, etc

http://www.dar.cam.ac.uk/~dhm11/DeathIndex.html -- list of causes of death of philosophers

http://www.miami.edu/phi/jokes.htm -- more jokes

http://www.mindspring.com/~mfpatton/phumor.htm -- yet more jokes

http://www.radisol.com/cows/concepts.htm -- if you're desperate for a laugh

The behaviorism joke

Two behaviorists finish up after a robust session. One turns to the other and says, "That was good for you: how was it for me?".

The solipsism joke

Question: Why is the solipsist unhappy? --- Answer: Because no one will accept his arguments as valid.

Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
Biologists think they're biochemists.
Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think they're physical chemists.
Physical chemists think they're physicists.
Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
Philosophers think they're gods.

Question: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? --- Answer: Make me one with everything.

From John Lachs' entry on "footnotes to Plato" in Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy

A.N. Whitehead once wrote that "the safest general characterization" of Western thought is that "it consists of a series of footnotes to Plato". This testy assessment of an entire tradition is often recited by Platonists and has earned for Whitehead the accolades of the aphorism crowd.

The great thinkers of the past certainly did not think that they were adding footnotes to Plato's text. Had Kant thought he was adding one, he would surely have kept the Critique of Pure Reason under 500 pages. And should Wittgenstein have suspected that he was producing scholia, he would have spent at least a little time reading the text.

... Does Descartes, who subverted the starting-point of ancient philosophy, constitute no more than an afterthought to it? Should Hume, who rejected both its premisses and its conclusions in favour of his own original views, get no credit beyond having discovered a new wrinkle on wisdom's old face? Can we even think that in his stunning synthesis of everything ancient and modern, Hegel rehearsed only what Plato had always known?

...

Possibly, however, Whitehead's statement was made in the spirit of rampageous over-generalization one can expect from footnoters to Plato. If so, it must be taken with a grain of salt or greeted by rolling one's eyes. But even then, in one clear respect, the claim he makes is false. For the safest way to deal with the history of Western thought is not to characterize it in general terms at all.

A boy is about to go on his first date, but he has no idea what to talk about. He asks his father for advice, and the pearls of wisdom in reply are, "Son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice-cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for several uncomfortable minutes. The boy remembers his father's words. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?".

"No," she says, and the silence returns.

After a few more nerve-wracking minutes, the boy thinks again of his father's suggestions, and turns to the second item on the list.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No," says the girl, and, again, the silence is deafening.

In desperation the boy plays his final card. He thinks of his father's advice, and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Click here for Dilbert on determinism.

Click here for a diagram of organisation structures.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.
    "What's logic?" says Bubba.
    "Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?"
    "Sure do," says Bubba.
    "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard."
    "That's real good," says Bubba, in awe.
    "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
    "Gawly!� says Bubba.
    "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?"
    "Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
    "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?"
    "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.
    "So what classes are ya takin�?" says Cooter.
    "Maths, history and logic," says Bubba.
    "What in tarnation is logic?"
    "Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?"
    "No."
    "Then you�re gay."

Question: What do you get when you cross a postmodernist with a mafia boss? --- Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch? --- Answer: Pay for the pizza.

Question: What's the difference between a philosopher and an engineer? --- Answer: About $50,000 per year.

John Heil on "Twin-Earth" in Cambridge Dictionary of Philosophy

Twin-Earth, a fictitious planet first visited by Hilary Putnam in a thought experiment designed to show, among other things, that "'meanings' just ain't in the head"... Although Twin-Earth has become a popular stopping-off place for philosophers en route to theories of meaning and mental content, others regard Twin-Earth as hopelessly remote, doubting that useful conclusions can be drawn about our Earthly circumstances from research conducted there.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

"Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
"Define 'light bulb'..."
"How can you be sure it needs changing?"

From Russell's "On Denoting"

By the law of excluded middle, either "A is B" or "A is not B" must be true. Hence either "the present King of France is bald" or "the present King of France is not bald" must be true. Yet if we enumerated the things that are bald, and then the things that are not bald, we should not find the present King of France in either list. Hegelians, who love a synthesis, will probably conclude that he wears a wig.

An engineer, an economist, a physicist, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland. On the top of a hill they see a black sheep.

"What do you know," the engineer remarks. "The sheep in Scotland are black."

"No, no", protests the economist. "At least one of the sheep in Scotland is black."

The physicist considers this a moment. "That's not quite right. The truth is that there's at least one sheep which is black from one side."

"Well, that's not quite right either," interjects the philosopher. "There appears to be something describable as a 'sheep' that seems to be black from one side..."

Monty Python -- The Philosopher's Drinking song

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel.
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raisin' of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
After half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
'Alf a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
And Hobbes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

"A job hunter, a philosophy major, went here, there and everywhere in his search for employment, but in vain. Having run out of options, he swallowed his pride and took up the offer of playing a bear in a costume at a zoo. He was locked up in a cage, where he was supposed to imitate various bear-like movements to entertain visitors.

To his horror, another bear appeared in the cage and started approaching him. He panicked and was on the brink of collapse when the bear said: 'Don't be afraid. I'm also a philosophy major.'"

-- from an article in the China Daily

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