Squid Row

Squid Row Humor

Kids' Instructions on Life

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, age 9
Sleep in your clothes, so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, age 7
Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower.
Lamar, age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, age 7
Stay away from prunes.
Randy, age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, age 8
Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house.
Joanne, age 11

Age Happens or

Growing Older, But Not Up!

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

You Know You're Getting Older when:

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 p. m.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Wonderings?

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is: When you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and calling it "Pumping Rust."
I wonder if an older woman went bra-less would it pull all the wrinkles out of her face?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me; they were cramming for their finals.
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I started wondering what Chinese mothers used. Toothpicks?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
I thought about being rich and decided it doesn't mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford; all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?
Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"

The Rules

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said. 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. 17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. 18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

If Men Were To Make the Rules

Rule # 1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2: If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Rule # 4: It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5: Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9: Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11: When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12: Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Bumper Stickers

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted -- telepath: you know where to apply
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, ...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... til you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Happy Ads

Illiterate? Write today for help.
Auto repair service. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save! Limit one per customer.
For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For rent: Six room hated apartment.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
Man, honest, will take anything.
Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

You might be a Yankee. . .

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same pre-school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
You don't know what applique is.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

Suggestions for the shore or ex-sailor who misses the "Good old Days at sea"

Thanks to Jeanne Bailey for sending these to me

Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife/husband whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in you eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
(Mandatory for ex-engineering types) Leave lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional: canned ravioli or cold soup).
Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
Set your alarm clock to go off at random time during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.
Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots, pans, and dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place 'stowed for sea'.
Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

"Answers are the easy part, questions raise the doubts. . ."

Thanks to Susan Argabright for sending these to me.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something cold, cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

The Facts of Life

Thanks to Marc Schlessinger for passing these to me.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with!
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul(ies)'s Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he think.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

DILBERT'S Laws of Work

Why do I always think of Drew Carey when I read these?

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a happy hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are REALLY good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Batman handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Thoughts to get you through almost any crisis!

Thanks to Marc Schlessinger

Indecision is the key to flexibility.
There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

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