Early Oct 2003 - 13th Jan 2004
13th Jan - 20 th April 2004
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October 5th
I just posting something which i know no-one will read. really. because you wont. will you. WILL YOU?! so fuck you, bye
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July 14th
it starts in black and white, hard contrast with a soft washed-greys background, we fade into spires and tall dark towers. You shall see the rest soon. combination of painting and writing to conquer inability to write, and harness ability to paint. And in the midst of it all 1st person is banished goddammit!
guess whats really playing? new year you bastard, and it hurts like a shotgun wound to the chest thats grown over but the bullet is lodged. cyber glances, memory flashes - electronic pulses still fail to bring you back from that stupor. yet you still surprise me.
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July 14th
Geocities can suck my metaphorical cock, its been behaving like a bastard, Not that you've missed out - because I've writers block the size of africa waying down on me. Here's some notes and shit -
I guess I'm coming back in parts;
How satisfying it is to leave a mark no matter how temporary - I've donemy time staying after hours
making into a work of art, thin red lines over the pale, distorting already scarred skin *some text missing* , but not killing myself because i'm still fucking here. fuck it i'll read til mid-november and we'll still all be aeroplanes.
Rain flecking on my skin, clothes cover - but I feel not hot not warm. Spead hands to feel fresh and freedom - and imagine a thousand blissful scenarios in my head. The most realistic me spinning there and laughing. Have to settle for a contented smile, almost smile, and then relaxed-dulce-knowing face that I have a home and its wear (sic) I'm headed. But the freedoms almost over. I want to run off, make love, stay in bed, hold hands.
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July nth
Well, how about i cut you fuckers a deal, the more posters i see the less i'll come out. fuck you too. why be so two-faced, just be honest about it - its what i fucking preach.
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July 9th
slowly and silently closing a door to exit, but you don't care anyway - don't fucking patronise me with your sympathy. Now that i'm here the point is you don't have to bother, and the truth is you don't. It really is out of sight out of mind.
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July 8th
I don't think I'll ever dry out, sky infintessiaml, tears unfathomable but brought back by the fact tht ground is hard and my feet hurt. When you have to prove to yourself that you really exist, it disproves our mortality. But you can happy when you're sad, and not pathetic sad - but the kind of sadness that just lives in you. Like you were ripped apart and put back together, but there's a deep jagged carven still - and no amount of anything, of love, of vices, of expression seems to fill. And you learnt live with it, but some days are harder and some are easier. But sometimes I think it really would be easier if I really was just a Big Fish.
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July 5th
kicked the bucket. stared at blank walls. watched pale skin rupture. felt numb. got moved. feel moved. fuck you too.
rrrrr, all i can think about is ben folds five now -and fuck you too!! give me money back, give me money back you bitch etc etc - i've got so much whirling in my head, i feel like i'm being sucked inside out, and when i try to stop it i cry. so i'm rolling with the emotional punches, excessively happy/overflowing tears. its only natural man, i guess, closing one door. but did you really have to close it in my face. i can't get a grip on writing, and the only thing i've painted is my room. no passion, drained, all gone. all i really want is a hug, and i'm a 15 minute drive now. cigarettes and drink instead.
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July 2nd
there's nothing anywhere, and a lifetime of gauze and luxuries couldn't fix this wound. Deeper scars, brighter blood and nothing but jewels to show. i miss my life, and its hardly even begun the beginning. bring to the sense a light to read words which clarify the meaning, but then you turn around and its where you are that really hurts the most.
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June 20th
I return, tears, extreme laughter, spillage of sick and cuts and a little blood, books, diaries, paper, black bags, ripped down pictures destroyed personalities and battered tonsils have brushed me with their touch - some enjoyable, some just not. hey, who like being sick?!
I'm ful of zeal to leave one minute and then sit in a heap the next - i'm like a caged animal gone horribly wrong. I just to pack paint and......... whats a word for leave that begins with 'p'? Proceed?
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June 9th
sick........
four hours of sleep in which i dreamed i was a lesbian and met my first girlfriends....... i don't feel very right today, instead of a hangover i have this godawful stomach-thing where it feels on the verge of cramp but ifeels hot and burns a hole. and makes me sick. nice....
I'm going to go outside and read
FU
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June 8th
I've just made the most horrible decision ever and i just want the consequences to be over, to just leave and just do it. And instea i justffeel horrible. The reason i never make decisions is because i always hate the consequences. i have no choice but to leave Gloucester Road and i hate that. i was trying to explain it rationally to my Dad, why I'm just going to miss it but i know it should be good i'm leaving, and i cried in front of him for the first time in 18months. i know i have to leave but i'm so fucking scared of leaving this place i know. I'm crying now, i just don't want to go. I love the fact people know where i live, and i've finally got a job again that i like - and i don't care that i'm so damn lonely because i actually feel ok for the first timein so long. But now i have to move out and start all over again. i know uni is a once in a life time chance but i love my freedom so much. And i know it seems shit at the moment with the house politics but its still my home. This is so harsh - i'm the one wih all the ambition and drive and the ability to do whatever i want etc etc but i just don't want to leave. I'm so scared
and I'nm the girl that just seems to move from group to group now, leeching what i can and moving on - it was never meant to be like this... I was never this bad. Before. Before leaving school, before choosing Ollie, before leaving home, beforeing moving into gloucester road - whih ever landmoark i choose in my life, there's no landmark to show a change back or a change in the right direction. I miss myself more than anyone else does i swear.
I really can't stop crying............ Gloucester Road is my home now, i know where i am and i know my space. When i leave to go to uni i have no choice when i come back but to go to my dads. how long will it be before i settle into a semblance of a normal life again.
I haven't felt so shit and so normal all at the same time in so long. and for the first time in a long time the old thoughts of death creep in and i'm scared of them than anything else - bu no matter which way i turn my thoughts in any direction they never blow away.
I really don't want to disappear, i really can't stay.
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May 28th
The only cure to this infernal hangover is Elvis and maybe more alcohol... or a glass of milk. Why is red wine such a good idea at the time... I feel so sick.
Urgh, my half empty glass is still here.
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May 27th
My horoscope foretold i'd have a personality clash with someonetoday so i stayed out at my dads. We talked lawnmowers - and kids that are your friends. You know how lovely you are boy. Back in the, back in the, back in the USSR. (Unexplainable State Saddens Rightly).
Fuck off then. The fish still wears a smile....
Well, a picture was meant to go here but restrictions like NO BATTERIES prevents. Stupid.
Wear this out.
And now its an hour later. Its precisely 00:33. Wouldn't it be cool if everything erased with the drama of millenium at midnight everynight. oh no wait, thats a movie, groundhog day, Stupid. there's a fly on my screen. have thig instead.
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May 18th
AAAH!!!! Well, it should be like that but its not. I have bills and debts, many of the small nature, hanging over my head. But i'm calm and i feel in control... it must be hormones or something lol. Although it shouldn;t be. Eurgh. Fucking hell, i even bought a laundry basket today?! WHAT?!
Spot the vodka, and eberywhere you look its just not there. And no matter how much oyu look for that damned drink ITS not there?! and do you know why? you hid from your self. In YOUR STOMACH. I really have to stop the whole capitals thig.. its warse than the 'yeah'yeah', ye yes i know one will suffice.
[] [] One too many hits with the broken sword says:
its so gay i've llost my vavavoom
A Flying Giraffe says:
id have to agree to some extent
A Flying Giraffe says:
sorry
[] [] One too many hits with the broken sword says:
: (
[] [] One too many hits with the broken sword says:
i know...
A Flying Giraffe says:
but you always have it to some degree
[] [] One too many hits with the broken sword says:
its so sad, i can be funny for five minutes but then its gone. thats why i
kept starting my diraires again
A Flying Giraffe says:
you just have to try and bring to out again
[] [] One too many hits with the broken sword says:
well thats the thing, when i was on that writing roll i was really
depressed, and now i'm depressed because i'm not depressed
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May 17th
Today the till was fifty --six pounds down.
Life is er, exciting and dull but dull is mainstream and ok - and good because its been awhile. Caleb's in Amerika and i thought i'd die from boredom but i developed an obsession with tidying my room and Hand of Fate so i've full-onbeen running home because i'm so excited about spending time on my own! Crazy... been a long time since i felt like that. And the sun's shing, and i like my work and STUFF. But i'm not actually DOINGanything (except for putting random words in capitals) which is the only thing making me go 'rrrrrrrrr'. And then people look at me like i'm crazy because i make noises to myself all the time and get stupidlyexcited about Magic Painting books which nly cost 12p and i talk back to the radio because they say such stupid stuff. Etc...
And then there was the random mental hour where i just felt so indescribably guilty about everything, and how different my life would be if i wasn't too much of a cunt all thefuckingtime. I wouldn't even be in gloucester road!!! I would still be with Him. This fucking idealistic picture of Ollie and happiness and. And stuff, maybe i was just torturing myself by going over and over it. But its never over i guess. And anywa, realistically, all of that is going further and further away and i'm just dealing with the fact that i'm a stupid angry cunt.
but hey, if it all has to start with a sexy uniform than so be it. And i just ate way too much cheese.
JESS "His face is filled with fervour. One of the certain things in my life. Kate loved Ollie so much. I think in much the same way as I love Nelson. What would I do if he died? I would not regret. He has an idea how much I love him. Despite what we could have done we have also achieved so much. We have made love, in the way it is meant to be. Life doesn't get any better than this. He is the love of my life and I am privileged to know this now, instead of years after when it feels as though so much was wasted. Not one moment will be wasted. He kneels. He is so beautiful."
You and Nelson are two such very special people in my life and i think we're only just starting to realise after years and years of knowing each other, how much we still rely on each other. Or days with Nelson, lol. I have such fucking respect for Street, where's your magazine then?! hmm?! Only you actually had the guts to stand up and tell the world to fuck up. Fuck up? Fuck off even. And in nice way too. Your everything you say you are, and you're going to be everything you say you'll be. Does that make sense? I love you so much Jess and i just wanted to let you know.
NB,. I hate vodka, but i have nothuing else to drink. Have you tried www.geocities.com.rosesindenim/yourname.html? Well, its just as well because i haven't done anyone yet, lol. Wait, thats not funny.... I'm going t o play Broken Sword now, even though I'm FUCKING STUCK. Maybe I'll just kill some Norns instead. hahahaha.
NNB. No seriusly, check this out. Moustache Wax
PPS. This website had its heyday between October and December LAST YEAR expect some rowdiness soon people. Lets Bomb the man. Old Diaries will be available to puruse via the frontpage soon too, to recreate those especially preety kTp moments. Deurgh. Wanna take a ride with me?
PPPS Do you think a guy is blowing you off when he says he's busy for the next FEW WEEKS?!
PPPPS lol
PPPPPS I wonder when Big Fish is out....
THE END!!!
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May 4th
No, I'm just being effiecient. I can't predict what'll happen.
doubleplusgood. Lets all learn Runeses. Hello goodbye thank you please.
PS I'm here now, and the future is cidered. honest.
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May 3rd
Many happen returns to the younger Samsonite who reaches the last year of teenagedom today
-Its not oh thats nice, its the real fucking deal ok?!-
Daffy from the beach, i love the way he says that and it always made me laugh, but i can' think of many words other words to describe the stable condition of my life at the moment. Everythings suspiciously stable and i feel, er,fine. Hence i haven't been writing much. It'll become to dull and everyday. And even this sounds boring. I've lost my edge man.
today a rottweiler went berserk and launched a missile at a stationary factory located close to the ukrainian border. No otters was hurt in this unsurpassed incident but a kite was heard to be struck down with agoraphobia. Tragically, no eel-like fudge was to be found at the scene of the cheese-making, but purgatory is still under way. Turn your hand now towards the scenic city of Le Bisquit to find only a handful of staples, accompanyed by a soft yet fragrant glass of C�tes du Rhone 64 - later discovered to be the registration of a cereal rapist. Soon to be headed North to reach the final destination one could only describe as obsequious, and in layman's terms? A dead rat couldn't possibly walk as there something fatally wrong with this arguement. To resolve? please leave your boots, and maybe that bag of saw dust, outside the rug. No, that one. You'll find that after a while, withoutstanding turning back, even the strangest things make sense. Although not everyone tries their hand at Wuthering Heights - something can always be made of nothing, nothing can be made into something, something can mean everything and nothing and nothing can mean everything or maybe just something. Season lightly with a pinch of salt/pepper/oregano/basil/allspice/curry powder/fresh peppermint/tyhme/lavender/rosemary/coriander or just use your Action Man infra-red decoder and maybe you'll know what I'm trying to convey here. Or there. Fuck it, everywhere - and the girl on the street corner that just looks, and that androgenous kid on a bike who just couldn't back away when the corners got too close. I don't want to be the single malt whiskey hidden in your bottom drawer, and i thought when she sang 'doc-tor' she was really singing 'back door whore'. Visiting hours are nine to five and if i wake up at ten past six well i, guess i managed to sleep through a whole day of work - where as i usually sleep til 12 and then feel guilty. I have a dodgy history of sex,drugs and rock 'n' roll - the wholesomeness is to come around like good karma.
Are you listening to me?
look at me when i'm talking to you!!
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April 30th
or....
1. Realise that repeating yourself is a family trait, esp. with my stupid anecdotes.
2. Always express you opinion. Kate, face it, you blunter than a butter knife. Deal with it.
3. I, er, like the drink. But a little more moderation than before - i was developing alcoholic tendencies.
4. Admit to myself that i have no willpower, no cigarettes made me too sketchy. I'm trying to keep on the even keel.
5. Yep, i kept drinking coffee - but one hits too many gives me the shakes, i must learn this.
6. Lists are a way of calming myself down, although may seem unhelpful on a Life-scale - it helps me realise even big huge things that give me panic attacks (like tidying my room, LOL (stupid lol))are acheiveable. Sincerely, like money. Bleurgh.
7.Lists should be 7 points long because they're easier to remeber. Remember.
no, have a proper entry. I can't just reform myself in one full life-affirming sweep. It felt fun to masquerade as a 'I'm a wholesome person who is stupid healthy' for a little while. So thats how the rest of us live...
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April 24th
Note to self:
1. stop saying 'I can't believe Mark left without saying goodbye'
2. stop asking caleb about ccf boots, not relevant.
3. stop telling Jess trousers are tight
4. stop drinking (alcohol, not everything, thats stupid) for a while
5. stop, not quit - because every time i try quit i hit it harder, smoking.
6. don't stop drinking coffee, i need one vice left.
7. stop making lists in an effort to prove i can do stuff just because i tick boxes.
8. stop smoking
9. stop smoking
10. stop repeating myself.
man, i could do with a cigarette.
