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Day -1
textual_assult
I came home to feel love again yet here I am alone. I have known all along this is where I belong but now all I loved is gone so here I lay for what seems an eternity trying to find where I went wrong to long ago and now I have sunk so low and don't know where to go what do I have to do to show you how much I loved you and how you made my sky so blue with every breath I drew I hoped you knew what I felt for you but you never had a clue of how much oh how I wish for your touch, to feel your lips upon mine just one more time, then all would be fine maybe then the light would shine but for now its all dark I look here I look there but everywhere is pitch black and with all the words left un said and all the tears I have shed and all the blood I bled my wrist stained red when I lost you so now here I am dead and waiting
Day 0;
THE END:
This isn't the end, after reaching and going beyond your limits once there's always the thought that it can happen again -
"I'm letting go. Still being with ollie in my head is killing me. I still ove him but I'm letting go. Got to move on. Give my all to what I've got and really appreciate it. I don't want to shut people out. I want to give and love and just be in touch with the world and love life again. I love you so much but I'm just hurting my self. No-one can take your place in my heart, but I'm missioning on. I want to teach people and help them see how little they have to give to enjoy life. I want to make myself,
Wifey"
Undated only suicide note.
I suppose this is my suicide note. It would be too clich� to say I never meant to hurt anyone. I know it hurts. But the one to blame here is me. For this and for Ollie. Its bullshit to deny it. I've had some great times the last couple of months, but the guilt and the pain is just there all the time. I'm still waiting for him and I can't do it anymore. It came to a make or break weeks ago, and I knew I was actually broken. Just too fucking scared to do it. It doesn't matter how many people were around, and there've been a few I really hate to hurt like this, at the end of the day I was half a whole and I can't do this on my own. Spread the love and happiness. Life is amazing.
Katy
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25th August
Well, it was fin for that day. I drank whiskey and actually got Ollie stuff off my chest. And this morningI feel a bit more awake and good. I'll achieve something small instead of doing too much and getting tired.
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23rd August
So much for small goals. Everything seems so easy but I'm too fucking retarded to go through with anything. My days are ruled by a routine of Boscombe, drinking and Neighbours. How the fuck did I ever cope with 40+ hours a week?! My motivation is minimal if any. I've never felt this lonely or insecure before. I used to come and go in phases, but now the sadness is so fucking constant. I don't seem to get drive from anyone or anything. I even find myself getting angry with Chris and Caz.
I thought things would change, but I really didn't get the catharsis I need going on holiday. It just feels like there's one magic thing I have to do and I'll snap. Or just realise. Like pushing a binge too far and waking up and going 'Right, from today...' But of all the mistakes I've made there's still no resolution. Kissing < > actually did change something. I haven't slept with anyone since he left. Experiencing actual comfort with < > really made me see my sluttish ways. Like I said before, maybe it was just my way of forgetting Ollie. What he felt like. And trying to forget what intimacy is. I really fucking hate this person I've become.
Through what I thought was depression, I could still enjoy the summer. This time I've hidden, but still want to brightness (its brightness?) in my room. I recognise I have to have something to lift me in my little dive.
The paranoia
The anger
The selflessness
All comes to this shit person I am now. And I can't even cry. Even if people don't notice I really don't care. Mostly they just don't know what to say. and in that way I have my own sympathy for them.
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1st July
Moving out today, did want to leave this fond memory behind:
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June 25th
Just walked, slight drizzle, not cold and listening to 'Mad World' and it was just one fo those times when you just sigh and know all is good. A together moment.
And the bench is up. Reg told me yesterday in a very emotional Consortium night. Didn't mission to find it today, ready?/not ready? Realised my sleeping around was a way to forget because I can't remember how it feels to kiss him. Suppose it was never going to be vivid forever but even so.
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24th May
Its been a while and I've come along since I last wrote. Thought I was doing well but I've just been a drunk and a slag. Letting Steve stay over just made me realise I'm going to start hurting the people i care about unless I stop this now. The hard exterior, bitch, uncaring, aloof, psycho.
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I actually had an amazing happy day yesterday. I had my scooter, it was sunny. When it was topped off by going out with Caz in the evening I couldn't keep the smile off my face. Even surprised myself.
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I'm feeling surprisingly upbeat, well, more so than before. Thats because its the weekend people are back, la la la.
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I just hope its not too late.
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I went out at 8:30pm to see Jess and there was a genuine choice of things to do. All I wanted was some Coke and a chair. But when I got there she said she was seeing Dave after wokr. I wandered down to the toilets. I'd tried to hang myself there before but some lady got me out. This time I knew I'd go through with it so I just didn't. I just stood in there and stared at nothing.
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And there was another noose.
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How can someone who was such a massive part of my life leave so little. I've just got nothing.
What am I supposed to do?!
I'm a pathological liar. Have been my whole life. I just wanted to be more interesting, keep people that showed and interest interested. Sometimes I forget myself which parts are real and which aren't. That and my fucking over-active imagination. Suppose I got all the fucking action now.
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What am I supposed to do?!
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I went back with some random bloke, and I cried lots. Well done Kate. I got so completely plastered last night. I genuinely don't function without drink anymore. Drugs are even better.
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I don't have any point. Even being around people doesn't make me feel guilty about what i want to do. Just can't think outside the bubble. When I'm with people I don't even think about after. I tightened the belt around my neck and didn't want to make it. Just fall asleep. There's only so much I can slash my wrists, and i want to see it bleed more everytime. But nobody knows, and I couldn't explain it either. I can't explain alot of things I do anymore.Like yesterday; I had money ready for the bus and I just wandered off. I was ready to just walk off with the money I had. Just slit my wrists in an alley somewhere. Unknown.
I just don't think about him because it hurts so much. I fucking hurt, I need him so much.
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(Inserted pages)
Ollie never killed himself. I was me. I pushed him. I tore open his mental scars, left him bleeding. When i should of just let him heal. He was getting on, getting by. He had people that cared. Eva, the band, Soph. It was enough. I had to go and fuck it up for him.
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I'm glad I managed to feel a love like ours, I never thought other people felt the way I did about life. You taught me so much. I just think i ruined it.
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It's just hard now I'm really starting to realise how little time I was with him. Its now three whole days. Me and Ollie got engaged in 3 days. I suppose like that, the days become weeks, and the weeks become months. But it passes so much slower without him. He completed me, and just filled all my time. I could never bear being on my own and living with him just completely founded my trust for him. He's the first person I really broke down with. When i was with him, even if we'd fought, life just seemed so real. And when we were happy, we just couldn't realise our love for each other. it just so exciting so excting for both of us to know that we'd found each other. our love was just so immense. I can't help feeling that if we'd just been like everyone else and taken our time then he'd be here now. I should've realised how intense it was for him. But it did work, and it was starting to get better. We were going out and having good times. It always seemed to be my fault we had fights, not his. And that makes me feel so damn guilty, it all could have been so much better if I'd tried harder. Its the same with that night; he flipped because of me. I know there was lot of crap beneath the surface, but if it just hadn't been set off then maybe he could have worked it through. And i could so see the amazing part of him trying so hard.
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Click Your heels three times...
I can even see myself and what I'm doing. I just can't stop. Like getting angry, the defenses go up and thats it. The fucking paranoia that follows. Maybe thats the half of it. Maybe the what I'm like hasn't changed but my paranoia of what people think of me, esp. when I fuck up, is just stupidly over-amplified. But then the paranoia sticks up the defenses even more. Fucking 'viscious spiral' as mum would've called it.
I crave intimacy like nothing else. And friendship even. And what ever it is, the mix of paranoia, anger, sadness, insecurity and fucking extroverded-introvertedness, means that when I do really need someone I just can't go through with it. I'm not exactly strengthening bridges here. Fuck it. I just don't know what to do anymore.
That small part of my mind that is still mine is just so disconnected from my functioning consciousness. I just can't control my actions anymore.
I should be talking this through with someone, but I'm so sick of nods and being told I'm not a retard. I WANT HELP!! I don't want sympathy - I suppose thats the cynical response to everything. I suppose the hair and cutting was/is partly - but more a slap round the face than a hug. Although hugs would be nice. I make conversations so easily about myself, but so dismissive too.. And I seem to be dismissive of everyone else's problems too. I wonder if thats because I'm scared to encourage intimacy. My ability to recognise boundaries of intimacy and friendship is really fucking crap. But then it always has been.
I love the way I can see all this in third person but am completely without the ability to apply a solution.
But I know it should be me. And while my (sub)/conciousness and performance/actions are so split maybe I have the ability to slap myself. Maybe I just don't want to. Maybe I can't. Maybe I just don't know.
Fucking psychoanalysis of myself. I want the person that comes back after I shout at them. But then I shout more. I'm harsh and cruel, and its just a shell covering me underneath.
I can see beauty in everything around me, but don't have the motivation or head-calm to sit back and enjoy. I couldn't even sit on Ollie's bench today. And I couldn't even cry. Complete spontenaity took me there. Something I forget I had. A bit of catharsis but then the ability to know what to do next.
Just go incommunicado for a few days. Just to impress myself. I was going to get wasted and sleep on the bench. Just to sleep somewhere else. Or come back, get some stuff and hike somewhere. But am I in a state of mind to do it, or appreciate it?
But now I'm here, my own home - which I'm omly a guest.
What is this even achieving?! pages of complete ramble. I suppose its the next best thing to a hug, a few shed tears and a complete inability and in comprehensibility.
I can't go with the obvious solution because I don't want someone to find me. That knows me. Everyone would get over it, and maybe actually learn from it this time. But it wouldn't be spiteful, its because I do want to go.
I'm already breaking myself. The incentive to do the next isn't so far. I am? I was? making plans around the pain.
Thats the other thing, most of this black isn't even directly about Ollie. Its just stupidness sadness, although I do think about him and the obvious 'it' all the time.
I see the blood, I see his face and I realise what a twat I was. A complete fucking twat. The fucking guilt never goes. Everytime I re-live it, its only my mistakes. Maybe the time really has come for a night in. I spent so long on my own, maybe I'm just not used to having people around.
Its all fucking 'maybe's, 'just's and 'I know', 'I see'. I don't know more than the next person. Or the person before.
And that really is the kind of spiteful hatred I'm full of for people who really are nothing but good.
But I do wonder if people see through this stupid retarded ungrateful exterior to what really is underneath. Is it buried too far this time. Is that a question?
Self inflicted anguish. Is the complete bane of my life, and the one thing I can't cure myself.
Caleb was right, our country is beautiful. Because these moments materialise sporadically and randomly but makes all the shite weather worth it.
I'm staying too. Rawk it out while I'm still here.
Still Ktp
Time for some decision making. The old out of control nervous feeling is coming back and it makes me feel sick. Used. Stupid. I'll talk to Caz after work tomoro. Maybe I'll write again later, a few lists of pros + cons
Ktp
Then I just started to have the main paranoid freak-out, voices on the TV were too loud so I turned it off and the silence was too much and my brain just started to whirl. I don't think I slept at all. Was def. awake at 4.30 and heard the morning news start up at 6. when I realised it was 6 in the morning I just lay there listening to my heart beat fast as and trying to concentrate on the news and snap out of it.
I must have dozed off and I had this really vivid flash. It was one of those half-waking dreams that always seem more real.
Just lying there having the main painc attack. Didn't want to go anywhere. Couldn't cope with the pressure of the front-up anymore. I realised when it all started up that I could kill myself then and people would find me because I was meant to be somewhere. As soon as that thought entered my head I started thinking how I'd do it. Take all the pills. Use the noose in the bathroom. Or just just cut deeper this time. But started to wonder who would find me, what wuldI look like, should I leave a note on the door saying what I'd done, what about a note, would it be selfless/selfish, is it it for me or Ollie, is it just head-fuck or is my head-fucked, do people understand me nough to know why, would they celebrate my life; wear colours at my funeral and adopt the good craziness and actually learn from it, or would they just mourn and forget.
I was walking out my door and there was this guy standing by the wall in the corner. He was fully clothed; dark trousers, light green jumper, trainers, dark hair. He had his back to me. There was foliage above his head. It looked just like it does outside my window. As I look closer, I realised his head was hanging down, there was a stool beneath him an his legs were diagonally outstretched in front slightly supported by the stool. I started to feel shocked, what the fuck was I meant to do while I knew he was just there. As I turned to go back inside I opened my eyes. I t was so fucking real.
Just lay there freaking out, thinking about Ollie. Couldn't get a hold of myself, couldn't think of anything good without it morphing into somekind of nightmare scene. Just couldn;t shake the feeling. It was like that for at least two actual hours. In the end I gave self a massive kick and ran around like a mad woman so I could get outside. Thought it would make me feel better but was still panicking. Couldn't catch my breath, couldn't clear my head.
And now I'm on a train and I don't want to come back. I'm fucking scared and lonely. I do just feel out of place. Going places but to see people that don't need me. I just don't feel right anymore. I think I know more than anyone how important it is to take the positive slant but its making me feel like I'm taking the piss out of myself. Its kind of like watching a thrid person when I'm with people.
The whole writing on a train thing isn't working.
And when I lose it, its like I'm trying to get a grip on my sense of self. I've never been so out of control but can still retain the ability to explain myself to others. So they think I'm sorted but thats me reaching out. I really need someone that knows me well. Its so obvious to me that I'm bolloxed.
But I did realise something important, I feel suicidal, I want violence and pain, but I'm scared to die. i know that if I die I wont be here to see everyone hurting, and I know people will hurt. No matter how much you think people don't care: they do. I suppose I also know that me going won't affect anyone the way this has affected me. Its like the worlds worst come-down.
When I think about doing it I don't care, but then its like; one last day - one last chance to leave things on a happy note. But when it gets down to it, I don't want anyone to find me or realise: I just want to die.
It may sound fucked up, but it is a change. Do I love life?
My PIN is ****
I've decided the only way I can get up in the morning is if I sleep in clothes. I'll see how it goes
I tried to leave my flat today, I left for five minutes with nothing and then just came back. I had no idea where I was going or what the hell I was going to do. I actually need some lens solution but I don't think I can face it.
I could say I've tried to kill myself three times since Ollie died. I just want want something quick and easy. I was thinking about the sleeping tablets at mum's, shit loads of vodka and then actually do it.
I can't remember what the last text said.
'I can't handle this anymore,
join me in the next life and don't
be late wifey'
Like there was no first counselling session. Just a chance to spill out how i really felt and keep people off my back about how I was doing. I thought I was ok, but funnily enough I was right. It really has hit me now, the whole delayed reaction thing.
I need people more than ever now, loads of interesting shit going on in my head and I can't say a fucking thing.
Just been another Crazy day. It was wierd that guy looking at my wrist. Kind of just looks futile. Argh, I wish it would just happen or not. I just feel like I'm hanging about. I feel out of place, stupid and just fucked up.
The whole in-depth thought thing just isn't wearing off, my heads so fucking intrinsic. Like I said in alcohol stupefied rant, no-one notices how I am, or asks. Its like wearing the wifey-headband. You don't have to look hard to see whats underneath. I just don't have anyone I feel I can trust etc. to talk to. Caz is amazing, but what can she do? I don't want to burden my only saving grace, as in my only true friend. But what can anyone do? What can I do to help myself. In a way, now I've got the time I can actually remember Ollie, and actually cry for the first time in days. I feel guilty-sick, nervous, paranoid and so fake all the time.
But its a lot easier to front it up. People don't want you to go 'Oh suicide is always an option so never mind' when they ask me how I am in their superficial way. Meh, I need to get some long socks so I can pull them up. I know there's loads to enjoy and learn in the here and now, but I could do that in the next life without knowing what I've lost.
I can't believe I fucked up so badly. He loved me so much. I never though I'd have to live without him. I was a solitary person before but I just can't do it now.
Can't fucking sleep, not even tired. I imagined Ollie was lying next to me watching TV, just like we normally used to. First time I've cried in days. My imagination is totally out of control. Music is a total escape in that sense. Its also a totally wierd sense of seperation from self when i do stuff. Its like being a thrid person in my head when I cut myself. And being out. And dressing, its like dressing a toy. I look at myself in photos and see me, but as an object. An ideal, something to do. Its fucked up. I don't even think about Ollie 24/7. I just feel fucked.
So funny, just feels like nobody sees it. I don't know what i should be doing anymore. I just want to get away, see some new scenery, see other people. But I can't help feeling like I'm just looking for Ollie or someone else. Obviously Ollie but just anyone to fill that fucking huge hole. The only time my heads been chilled is when I dropped that pill with Caz.
Its fucking half three in the morning and I'm watching a programme on STD's. Nice. But just for the records I've made it til 9th March. Mission?
Katy
Should've taken it slower. Let him know what he was letting himself in for with someone like me. Everything I touch turns to shit. I'm so much of a fuck-up and i can't just can't make people see. I'm not ok, I'm not fine. I'm not an open person. I'll talk to anyone that'll listen, to just hear some help. As if it'll make everything just disappear.
All that did get better. I was my own whole before i met Ollie. I knew as soon as I left that night that things would never be the same again. I genuinely don't know what would've happenedif I'd got back in earlier that night. I wouldn't have left him. I wouldn't have told anyone. We thought we only needed each other, and if we'd made it through thats how we'd have carried on.
Ollie thought he loved me too much, I just couldn't love him enough. I just never learnt. Just too damn selfish, and defensive. If my hackles are slightly raised its just all about me. I understood Ollie but I still didn't change.
Thats why I'm best on my own. I can front it up. I think the last two months has really proved that.
I know it wasn't Ollie that actually did it. But I set him off. I woke him up, when it was obvious he was just too drunk to give a shit. But its just too late afterwards. I didn't see him again after i got out. I wanted to. Straight away
I think I heard him. I was listening as much as I could over Rich's snoring. I thought I heard someone coughing, and it could have been him. I heard no doors, no music. They found a full ash-tray.
I reckoon I knew, before I went in. I felt sick to the stomach. HEaring my phone ring inside the flat and no movement whatsoever. The coroner reckoned he could of already been dead by then.
I wish I didn't have to see people affected by it, butI want people that understand. There's just nothing to say, it affects everything I do, see, hear. If I can't see him again then I just want to forget.
He was so amazing and I still love him.
In a way, I wish i hadn't known you, cause then I just wouldn't know what it would be like without you. I just can't see anyone else taking your place, as a friend, lover or musician. I think this is too hard, I just want to be with you. Si said he knows we're all reunited and it just wants me want to see you more.
I love you.
I hope you know that. I love you more than my own life. I just wish I could have shown you that.
it hurts. It hurts so much