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April 20th
And the wheel spins around, and what brings you up - will also bring you down. So yeah, I'm broke, lol. but thats cool, i'll be earning soon. Just grovel and give blowjobs for money for a while (j/k....). Laura's departed to ferndown, i painted over loads of my wall, started a new small canvas series only to find i only had one small canvas, i've read until the sun makes me blind and played cards til i've actually won pyramid solitaire. but nobody was there to see it. Fucking kangaroos.
I see jess all the evermore, chris all the everless. and everyone else is still on average, with predictions thats laura maybe less due to distance, and caleb still way above due to an americanised abscence. Report concludes and will self-destruct in 5...... 5........5 .............5...........
Shtop. Yeah, in other words i'm feeling like i've got cabin fever, no matter where i am, at the moment - the time is right to start work again. Woop. Imagine that... Man, i can't think of a fucking thing to say. Bye.
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April 13th
And its all very well wanting the catharsis of starting all ver again, for the thousandth time, but being the ---- for a day foesn't mean anything and change takes time. And its not even, change, its only me underneath - as per usual. Meh, i pay testament to the words of Nelson - you can't prove anythign to anyone overnight, but you're only you - and no matter what anyone thinks, you have to live with the stigma. i am the grl who pulls an atrocious amount of guys at the villa. With, or without meaning. The end, wait for the big overnight stay. Its yet to come. its been awhile (sinceI first quoted Staind at you)
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April 9th
Cunt. As in i am, great. Photo slag? or slag in general?! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH ffs, you can't even keep a promise to yuorself. but man, it was good to see will. Life is just full of surprises... It was one of those days you wish you could erase and treasure all at the same time. Yeah. I'm going over here. cornerlishus
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March 27th
Er, ish,maybe its the next morning - but the clocks go back/forward and in all driections tomoro. Or maybe the day after, but it doesn't maatter because i start work again on sunday. Which ever which way that day falls,and its not quite pckingfudge - but its ok. (Y). i promise a full update soon. honest. mum?
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March 21st
I have a bitch of a fucking hangover and i want cyberspace to die. mY explorer (magnifying glass or eye tunnel) is as bleary as i feel. So i realised that i exist and now i'm starting to re-learn my social skills, and the connections i have in my little groups and family and STUFF. But you know it takes time so could you please put a permanent notepad on my file reading
'Customer called to say sorry and wishes it noted on their file, has no impact on policy'
I'm going home to take of my family for a while, it feels like a lost something that feels like an arguement but... there has been no tension for longest. we shall see, i love myfamily and i want to play my part instead of being the cheery visitor. I don't feel excluded but YES, confused. rrr. I hate my job, the water isn't making me better feel and i need to do the sleep.
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March 20th
Its too early. Its actually 7:23am.. I'm going now. Sex and the City finished last night, and I blubbered. Not because of that but just because. I'm so lame. My face still feels wet this morning.
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March 12th
If you've been redirected here form my other website, never fear - its still in stages of production!! BUt feel free to e-mail me:
[email protected]
Cheers for showing an interest, I'll add you to my mailing list and get back to you as soon as possible.
NB. It doesn't have to start 'Once upon a time...'
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March 12th
You know, sometimes i just get sad because i look around and remeber how things used to be. All of us together, wasted down the villa, me hardly working but scraping by somehow, and then back at school when it was still shit but we were together - and i look around again and realise how much i miss my friends. I miss you all so much, there's only so much you can function on your own you know? I'm not depressed or anything and i now you all aren't so far, but i also know there aren't so many of you and times like these i just wish you were here. Caz and ali, my two best friends that have seen me through everything - i love you so much. And trust me when i say I'm not drunk, lol.
I'm putting so much energy into conserving myself, and its cool because I'm back on track and thumbs up and everything - but at the same time nobody knows me and sometimes i just really need to blow off some steam. Everythings so hot and cold at the house, and I'm still getting to know Laura. And I love jess to pieces but she can't be here all the time and its not the same. I guess I'm just jealous that everyone else has their own lives and I'm just clinging to something that isn't there anymore, and a way of life that just .
I guess nothing will ever be the same again, and i couldn't just keep living the idealistic gap year and school holiday times we had - but i just wish it. I can't wish for anything to change, i just miss you guys.
And its because i feel so much better i just wish you were here gdi so i could share it properly with you, just made me realise how much i have to move on. And it kinda sucks. i suppose its not long before i go to. No escape, lol. I don't even know why I'm laughing, because I'm crying the first honest tears i felt in a little while.
BUT I'M OK!!!
I just hate everybody because you make me cry and i never thought anyone would be close to me ever again, and then suddenly i realise how much you're all there for me after everything I've done - and how much I've taken it for granted and then that makes me cry as well, because i was convinced i was alone for so long and i managed to convince myself so well that i was alone - in my own stupid madness. And now its too late. so I'm sorry, and i love you and its getting to a point where its all over. Finally, and i can carry on.
And do you know how that makes me feel?
Special. As special as all of you are to me. all of you.
Cheers. bashfully. i always say stuff and mean it and then it just sounds wrong.
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March 11th
I said nobody could possibly understand me right now. I went insane with liberty and freedom, so much it made be tired by 9pm at night. I could even keep my eyes open for er. er, sure. The idea?!
imagine bigfich meets Pay it forward, meets the medieval times of telling ballads, passing history on through words. I'm just a compiler.. Send me your stuff!!! I'll be spamming the whole iternet. If you don't see my ads somewhere then I'm not doing my job.
You can all put me down as much as you like. Just try it. (wave to the one person in the corner who actually reads this)
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March 5th
imagine that, march the fifth. and i used rearrange my life just to come out here to spend the night on the internet. and now its two weeks at a time. I'm sorry, i lost the cyber spark and the affiliation i used to feel with this... It does kind of suck. because i need something to relate to. i used to write a lot, then i did this, then i talked (to myself) which meant i missed out on any recollection of anything i stumbled accross and now its just quiet... maybe too quiet. The waters are tranquil. Well, actually their not. But the mind is still... which is calming in its self and what i've wanted to starighten out for ages. But i do miss the clamour of my mind... in part anyway, i miss having myself for company. But hey, i miss having people for company too, lol. Yeah... *wave* hey. Realisation may be easy for me to realise and justify everything in the light i want to see it, but its like the boy who cried wolf - i can't apologise anymore for the person i am, which i know isn't a huge success. I watch myself fuck up and i hate it so much, but i just live with it now. can't expect everyone to do the same, lol. Think shmaller, shmaller resulting in superficiality. Hence, i'm good at work - bad at home. Yeah... I'm rambling. Will you be my counsellor? i could ask myself questions for a change. Who reads this anymore anyway... all for my benefit.
-So kate how you doing? how was work?
-yeah, not too bad.
-HOW BORING, I HATE YOU! GO TO YOUR ROOM!
-same time tomoro?
-yeah, whatever.
the conversation i have with myself on the bus/walk home, lol. stay in your room.... don't come out...... woooooo
hey, i'm not disillusioned about who i am, what i do and what i've done. i'm ashamed at the same time as being sick of being ashamed. I'm apologetic while not wanting to apologise. I've heard all my own excuses a thousand times and i'm so goddamn sick of it i just want to get on with my life. And i've still got all these reminders of what a fucking retard i've been. AND I'M SORRY!! Argh...... I just can't say anything anymore and maybe thats the way it should stay. shtum, shut up. mif i don't say anything then
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Feb 21st
Overhaul, loads of work going into... the minmal look. Lol, typical yuppie take on style. Okok, so i should stop calling myself a yuppie but I am a completely hypocrite for being everything i said I'd never be. And its even worse because I'm not even being loyal to my new found vocation - since i'll be leaving in 6months. I'm cashing in my workmanship and abandoning life for a bit. But its pretty cool. But, my room is a tip... obscene structure of work, counter balanced by extreme chaos. Oh, my, god. So yeah... i haven't written this in so long. Fill in.. pffft, what can i say? The house is looking spanking thanks to Caleb, I'm working again, Chris stuff is confidential so don't come looking, er, i miss my friends. theres so too much to say in summary.
There was this one huge thing, but i can divulge no details. Think of an onion? many layers and when you scrape away all the tasty layers discovering the middle is empty. yeah... works on two levels... and just imagine no-one knowing that apart from you? And then someone else finds out? Ok, so maybe an onion wasn't quite the beautific allegory i was looking for. Yeah. Never mind.
I made a new friend, how old school... But she's cool, thumbs up, after a year and half out of school i actually made an entirely new friend, lol. i'm at risk of settling into this life here. Must... Leave... Argh.... But work. I know i shouldn't be so fickle as to affiliate work, money and happiness. But i feel so much calmer having some sense of security and independence. Superficial but true. And like i said, to, er, myself? Its not enough (for me) to just have a plan and a glimpse of a way forward to actually start initiating brings a sense of self-worth i was starting to sincerely lack
I know that my sense of self has always been quite poor, two halves my own whole. Bleurgh, but a sense of calm is starting to erode the feeling of nervousness and anxiety which started stagnate inside. Panic attacks are less and nervousness is genuine.
But i would ask that you don't drench me in mayonnaise. Cheers.
NB I would like to aplogise to Caleb for saying
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Feb 9th
The even more dyke-like ktp returns, i am at this moment in time even wearing overalls.
Its an old school Eng Lit. exercise: Fill in the missing words and correct any grammer :-
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Feb 2nd
Yeah, so i return. its no big victory for anybody. excpet maybe me in parts. there are people i'm wanting to cut out at the moment, and places i want to go to - but instead i'm trying to be something else. or maybe just be myself, and stop fucking running away and ,making excuses that i'm not running away for the first time in a long time. i'm trying to stop being the person i hate so much. no end, beginning of the beginning.
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Jan. 22nd
May the Lord watch over you grampy, i'm sure its not your time yet. The pain will pass... I wish i could be more there for you.
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Jan. 21st
Day 26,712 in the Big Brother house, nothing to report, the half eaten carcass of one of the housemates lies in the lounge, the rest of the housemates are sleeping, back to Dermot.
Many Hip-hips and hoorays for the reigning enigmatic King of Cyber-space!!
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Jan. 20th
Later; Frozen in time IV
Things are kinda hard at the moment but on the way to getting better there's always other stuff to deal with. its just wierd this time because i can't do anything and it is just time. i'm not functioning on zero, i'm waiting for something and i don't know what it is. i'll suppose i'll find out when it happens. being on my own again is what i wanted but the bad half just comes back to haunt, bad dreams again. Lack of energy makes me sleep more too. the waking hours aren't so bad but dusk til dawn - its full of vampires and crazy tacky film shit. lol, no its just. strange. i'm happier this way, but i also can't see anyway to exorcize these demons which aren't so much haunting but circling like vultures, waiting for the fall. put a step wrong. i'm holding my own hand so i don't go over this time. its not so bad, but i'd like the simple fix this time. Its just tiring, and functioning without meat, and minimal nicotine and caffiene, someone throw me a fucking quorn bone here.
P.S. I feel well sick, does anyone have anything?
Earlier;
i'm camping out, about to start my expedition home, many moons away... Abient�t mes amis.
ANd now it is later, and i made a strange dscovery today, its tuesday, i definitely missed a day somewhere... i so thought it was monday. crazy. i think i've crossed the international date line, IN MY HEAD. i'm just not doing much, but by choice, i'm feeling quite crowded if i meet people, imagine consortium!! ARGH, crazy...
but its all chin up, in a crazy non-writing way... so i guess you kind of miss out, y'all just have to talk to me instead - gutted...
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Jan. 17th
Now there was some rage... yeah... it wasn't even rage at anyone, i thought i was doing a better job of explaining myself and it looks like i've failed...
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Jan. 16th
later than Before
Earlier
No really, you wouldn't be able to tell, but i'm still trying to get to grips with this animation stuff I'm, er, the Notepad girl. I write... stuff... Its not gratuitous vanity really, its fun.
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Jan. 15th
i guess it reminds of the shooting star. who else saw it... are we all connected in some way. i don't feel like i'm waiting anymore, i feel like its here but i don't know what it is i'm actually looking for. understand?
fancy coming on a learning curve with me?
i do love to learn and experience. i hate misjudgement. don't judge me, you'll misunderstand too too much. just take me for what i am because my surface isn't plastic.
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Jan. 13th
bye bye
Next time don't bother watching my face appear - just go sttraight for this page by clicking on something which i may or may not have designed yet...
I was really starting to hate the way this page was turning out. Thats not me/thats not me/Cause life aint hard/just take a look its all so simple.
I return, a brisk walk, i'd forgotten what it felt like. So exhilirating. I must be excessively hormonal or something - i don't get like this. maybe i'm bouncing back to hard... So should i keep a wary eye open or enjoy myself. My gut and my head and my, what heart? Ssh conscience say just enjoy while it lasts. It feels like. I dunno the rest of you are probably used to it i guess. Yeah... I forget...
All I can think about it stuff. But not blehmwaah stuff - but normal stuff - thinking about how much i have to do but it all seems ok. I feel strangely fine... Despite, having, stuff. Keeping the momentum going, maybe i'll break the surface and reach Ground Zero, gasping for air and probably only in for a short stay. I feel...
I think maybe i could just be extremely tired and placing too much value on new beginnings, oh, PS, i'm a non-smoking vegetarian now (don't laugh). I like being a cynic, a cynic who believes in. I'm thinking it through. But testament to me trying, out with the old. yeah.
.....
Coffee?
"reigning enogmatic King of Cyber-space" Yeah, it was meant to be enigmatic. It sounds like an insult! lol, enigmatic, enigmatic. Sorry.
So, yeah, er... but he.. and then.. dispersment?! i don't quite. then in where, to, um... not sure about... rising tension... unto the... safe bombardment or.... goldfish 2 for �5? Maybe not... i'd rather placate... in that tableau?... i thought it began with.... then you... p? Ah fuck it.
Master
with
often
simply
Ford
Super
minute
gold
speak
double
offender
time
attitude
Sir Lord Caleb Samson is celebrating his birthday tomoro, but i wont be on tomoro so..
Happy Birthday Caleb!!!
but i get the impression that even if i fall this time the grounds a lot more solid and not so far away as before. there's been a raise in the platform, i feel supported by invisble hands.
Maybe my angel is alot closer than before, or maybe i just realised you were all here and that nobody else were there.
But i knoooooooooooow its only in miiiiiiiiiiiind, that i'mtalkingtomyselfandnottohiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim. WTF? yes, yes, yes, i agree byebye now... o_O
BIG FISH IS OUT 30TH!! GO SEE IT YOU MINXES!!
miserably....
actually, with a brief re-reading it strikes a chord, it is right. don't take it as an angry rant, i wasn't angry at all and i can't thank people like Caz, Chris, Caleb and Ali for putting with my, er, me-ness. i was just trying to explain. Your nu-friends, nu-generation and you all like nu-metal :P take your time reading this one i guess.
*sigh* All i can say is i try so hard to be who i was before and sometimes i really feel like i'm getting there... but then its like... I don't know, all of you who i'm with now just don't even know anymore. You didn't know in the big BO, as in before Ollie. But i'm not changing for any of you. Right at this moment in time i'm only angry at myslef for striving to achieve... nothing!! nothing at all!! a stupid pointless goal of always telling myself i could be who i was 'before' when i've changed beyond all recognition. Beyond the depressive grief, beyond the self-harm, beyond the sleeping around, before decieving and lying and mistrust and paranoia. its beyond all that. And i guess all of you who know me now wouldn't even realise that. I've always been this twatish fuck-up of a person and its just bad luck on my part that judgement will stay there. But i was better before all this. And i know i can't keep using ollie as an excuse, but he's as real to me today as he ever was. Just because he's not physically here doesn't mean i don't see him and think of him. And not in a bad way anymore. Part of my heart will always belong to him, we were meant to be together, but with the extremes of motivation and realisation i'm really starting to change faster than people can realise. even me. Its growing too fast in a growth spurt, lol. America really did give me the kick up the arse i needed, but the ironic thing was it was me that did it. i never meant to hurt anyone, and i guess its the last black mark against me. Hopefully. i thought i would come back and hideaway and disappear like i used to, and believe me, i've thought about it. Seeing trips to Paris for �60 and just imagining the freedom is bristol or just buying a return to anywhere and B&B-ing it. Get away for a few days from everyone... But i'm sick of taking the wimps way out and i'm expressing my strength by staying here.
I'm just compltely rambling. I forgot to say earlier, i mentioned in my diary and sometimes i think this and that are one and the same thing. I took my ring off And it deserves bold. This is the first time i'v gone more than 24hrs without... I just try to ignore it, i guess. Its been my constant, people that knew him and me always notice and i guess it was my way of showing i'm still mourning. i do still love. I see people that look like him and my heart (and body) cry out for me to go talk to them because i so badly want to believe its him. As late as being on holiday not so long ago, on the day i spent on my own i was thinking about him. Sometimes i make him sound like some kind of deity, and its hard to remember he was just one of us. He was vindicated by all his friends because he thought he was some kind of 'Jesus', and yet in his death some kind of martyrdom has occured. Sometimes he does seem like some kind of higher being, i think of him so much in loads of random words that how can he not? But the times that are harder and make me shed silent tears when no-one is really looking, is when you/I remember he was here. Really here. And i loved him, and he loved me. And it was so unbelieveable that anyone could love ME so wholly and completely, and when he left it was a another tragedy in the life of K-t-fucking-p. But those few months we were together... I felt happiness and comfort like no other.
Constant job changing, people changing, new friends, departing friends, i just want my constantcy back, but it seems to just be me thats disrupting it now. But now I've stopped, i've realised and its cold turkey. No more change, no more. I was reaching breaking again. I never want to hurt myself, think of suicide or spend hours staring and just making my brain and body work so fast i think i'll explode. Panic attacks, headaches, just from thinking. Peoples mentality can't cope with it, I can't cope with it. I'm finally letting go. I don't expect anyone i'll ever be with to measure up to him in anyway, everyones different in their own way, and maybe in some aspects they'll be better than Ollie, but i guess because it was left so opened ended and we loved each other so much i'll just never know. And i was so convinced that no matter what... He'd be there. I'm going to meet other people, and have kids, and have a career, but... :) .... always with the but's. I can't explain myself anymore. Talk to me.
the girl feels happy... like detox happy, i feel clean. do i really think in emotions as well? is this why i'm completely non-talented at anything else. Nah. I'm seem to be completely failing at turning this page into the reflection of my wholesome vibe. Use less plastic bags! #Don't buy fast food! I'll prove you all wrong - I'm becoming........... who i was before! the old katy returns!! ktp, is being laid to rest with all the opther temporary face-like facades i've had over the years. once and for all. instead of the five minute lifestyle changes. do tai chi, do yoga, eat organic, drink soya milk - FUCK OFF. Its about sense of self and being, just do what makes you happy, within limits - or that would just amount to anarchy... i want to express SOMETHING.
End.
its a nice melody, i'm humming and recreating.
See you in...
I feel
I always feel
I've always felt
Keep it simple, my youthful mantra in my precocious maturity comes back to haunt me - what a bitch i can be. Simplicity... hmmm...
Maybe thats what i was trying to get accross to myself about Big Fish, the fairy tale, the struggle but ending... as it should.
