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January 13th
Well looky here, its 4am in my head but here I am in the UK at 9:34am, ready for a day of kipping, washing and finally catching up with glimpses of this. And getting a job somewhere in between. How was your new year? My resolutions started the second my plane touched British tarmac - I am now (quote-unquote ref. conversation Ali (yo...))
"A non-smoking vegetarian"
How did this happen? WHats this got to do with America? Never you mind. Go on wid'you back to work you rapscallion. I'm sleeping no. Mommys sleeping now.
I'm just too tired and all superficialled up after two weeks of social chaos - plus' and negatives' swings and roundabouts ending up in a balance of __________ <--insert word here. Its not ready yet. All i can do is blankly stare while the old familiar anxious feeling returns but with a different... resonance? It doesn't feel panicky as such but more hopeful? And that is scary. Quite scary actually... I'm lost, wait a sec.
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January 6th
Still in Florida, will have a cyber binge when i come back genuinely. but don't come looking for gossip - its personal and confidential. Ask me to my face instead.
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January 1st
all i can say is.. nothing. i want to talk to you mpt sp,e screen. i rea;;y can't ssy anything else. and this fucking makes it all awkward and everything. but i really can't sleep now.*
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i cn't say anything; i'm sorry. *
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Sometime
i ts moras tHn i cN XOPE WITH Carry on*
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December 31st
Well, its still 31st in the good old USA!! I'm here on ol' amerika after all my blathering of nver making it here... andi never thought i would be here. i lacked the foresight to even see myself in another country. My scars are holding me back, in a slight exhibissionist kinda way, but with slash marks on your calves what do you expect?! Make resolutions aplenty old friends and enjoy!! *
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December 24th
hAPPY cHRISTMAS y'ALL!! BE SEEING YOU ALL SOON BEST HOLIDAY WISHES AND ALL THAT JAZZ, THANKS FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT OVER THE LAST YEAR, I OWE YOU ALL SO MUCH I COULD NEVER EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE IN PRESENTS!!
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Talk about a boo-boo
From : Nick Spurrell | | Inbox
don't think this should have been sent to me!!
Kate Pearson wrote:
i think i've always missed you... I saw lord of the rings mk 3 with my I survived, Obv, i cut myelf up pretty bad a couple of days ago, but that depression makes me blind to you all but i know loadsa people are there for I try to keep in touch but i work so so much. I'm packing tonight!! Happy Katy
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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December 18th
Well, here are thusday.. i'm quit drunk actually. so here's merry fucking christmas to you all. drinking andf then disruption led to the eventual chaotic ending of te guy i loved. guy? the only. i loved him. he loved me. for more reasons than we ever kknew. he knew that. i know that. maybe he still knows. i'm devoid... i had something more than anybody, and becuase of my selfishness and whatver i lost that. if i ould have looked past my own selfishness i could have seen through it. looked past the own. the what? the hurt he was causing me, and looked to why he was doing it... he was just REacting. how many of you know the story? the hurt, the pain, the photographic memories left. i hate it all and i want love him still.
i love you so much, and i can't remeber that as often anymore because you're not here. i need your touch. i need you here. maybe i'm pinning too much faith but i know we'll be together one day. soon or otherwise. but i know i won't lasrt forever. i knew my life was over before imet you, and thanm i ghad a reason to carry on. and then a reason to die. and then an inverted reason to try. and i've tried...
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where are you my late night buddy caleb?/ the hamsters asllep, thj tewukila drunk. i must to bed. the duvet i swarm an christmas is close. i have worj tmoto. byebye. too drunk to die too weak to stay alive.
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December 16th
YEah yeah, so long time no change, but like stay tuned; changes ahoy on thursday night when i have web-time etc etc... its all hectic. I'm in court on 22nd... thats a bit mental. Christmas approaching soon - dads birthday too!! Happy 21st all over again dad *raises glass* but sure, merry christmas to my nearest and dearest!! Caz, Alix, Harri, Jess+Nelson (one word!), Chrisx2, all the family, Caleb, all the HMV crew (you guys...) and everyone I've forgotten...
The day approaches, I'm working though it. I have blisters on my ring finger and a burning desire to misplace memories.
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December 3rd
December 3rd, my my doesn't time fly when you're having fun. Or when you're at work constantly and trying to do so many things at once i don't actually seem to be getting anywhere at all. I am of course referring to the always huge problem OF.......
Oh lacrimonius, sacfirificio, lamento melacholious, what has become of me? This time it comes but once a yeah, and such a joyous occasion too...
End, all you anonymous faces out there make it not so enjoyable, quit with the greed, smiles are less expensive.
.....
nobody told me a story :*(
.......
I'm still hanging around...
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November 21st
Tell me a story
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November 21th*
My counters broken, i-i-i-i'm not a number, i am a free man!!
check out the neighbours website (www.bbc.co.uk/neighbours) a lot of forgotten memories, like Joe mangle; i knew his wife was shot on a duck-hunting rangem i just knew it! Whats your first memory? I have a present for somebody today, is it you? Click here to find out... but if you don't think its you don't bother.
Button, button, who's got the button...
*Er.. deliberate?!
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November 18th
"Write about me, write about him, write about me,
1. Pay rent on time
2. Get presents
3. Get Present
4. I'm almost late for WORK
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November 14th
Man:You've beaten that man
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November 12th
but no more thanking. veronika decides to die, god made the laws, mari wasn't mad, eduard doesn't like sex, i like this - how about that. desire, emotion - love, hate, curiousity and the big ETC... gives it all a thumbs up.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT HUH?!! how do you feel about chipmunks throwing themselves onto hockey pitches, about squirrels wanking over lava lamps, waiting for buses, the Beatles singing nu-metal, mr happy in the queue at mcdonalds, caz working in subway, cracking your foot on a loose tv, small screws waging an attack against a tumbler, giving qwertyitis to biscuits, listening to acid on your hi-fi, taking drugs at school, sitting in the valley lookingat porn, masturbating in class over your biology book, giving pocket money to your mum for her daily dose of crack, driving to the end of the road and coming back for metro-more, knitting lemons for the poor, feeding the poor with cake, watching the police police, watching the powerless flail, waiting for me to rant - waiting for a tantrum, waiting for an outburst, waiting for sulks.
so what happened recently... er, just work and stuff. in a completely non-morbid but maybe reflective way i'm going to sort out a will, cool. thiurd chapter of the new diary finished, but this ones not for you, its for the big man upstairs and ne alone. but makes me feel good. wrote my first song since ollie died, amazing.month and a half til america! i owe the council money, help help..
i'm not a junkie, fuck off.
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November 7th
What can i say, I'm the strong silent tpye. It was the funeral today. i didn't go, held the fort. Katy the strong? Er... My first book is going to called 'Er...' in so many ways this isn't me, I'm saying that to you. Stop it. i have one word for today...
Pick your own. pfft, you don't want it anyway. Take advice from me, fuck off! I'm actually quite happy at work and stuff, mundane... Money's tight, loads of stuff hanging (...) over my head as per usual. but the end. I'm not in the mood. i feel like i'm conforming to something... i'll rebel against it!! EEEeeeeeeee. oooooh, you just wait.
My hairs huge today. Kerazy. Jess' magazine is out, i found it at work. huge grin and mucho showing off- 'my friend wrote this you know' : D
also i folowed a slug down the road to work, it moved faster than i did so i hired a ninja to kill. my dad doesn't know i smoke so i hid in my wardrobe and chewed tobacco til the hamster got out the tumble-drier (!) Well done, you're doing a good-job there. No, i repeat, NO invoice in this one i'm afraid. Applaud yourselves - even though the egg-node you fed me left me feeling satiated with a strange desire to jump the moon like i used to. live with care bears, polish your three knees. rite agony coloumns to children that are adults, and buy childrens programmes for adults that are children. Nobody likes being in the middle, too old, too young, too middle-aged. Too non-directional, too many direction? Nah, none at all. grey conformist goosestepping to a conformity which is even worse than the one before - the non-conforming-conformist. Home comforts, stable life, feng shui, waitrose shopping but watch the pennies, vegetarianism, vodka and coke, internet ready PC's, fridges with computers, friends over not out, keep it tidy - pet the dog, walk the baby - osh kosh. What happened to your smile? warped plastic face, but scarier than a mask because its real. don't look at me like i'm strange, you just envy what you've missed - i'm not alternative, i'm just comfortable. French polish the table til its not functional for even putting cups on. ikea cups. abuse makes me sad, power makes me sad, disability makes me sad, injustice makes me sad. you focus on this, i have longview, never fear *salutes* i sit on the bus and stare at mournful faces moaning of the long day. I see ugliness and beauty and it adds up to this amazing conclusion... but my finger is just too short to pinpoint and likewise my mind to young. i don't question why i'm here and i don't question the fact that i'm staying. i'm experimenting with existence - results to be released upon death and i take conclusion and evaluation to the grave. When did this start making sense? I like the words - nah, fuck (off), cool, amazing, slash, sleep, i like the way the word love rolls off the tongue all to easily and hate is thrown too hard.HMV - He's My Velouria. the cat the is, withs its distinguished lump, its cancer makes me sadder. Death. i stroke invisble cheek and wipe crying invisible eyes. She stand and stares and never speaks. The sunscreen didn't protect me Baz.
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November 2nd
How many times do i repeat myself and you still don't get the picture. But then you didn't know me before did you?
HOW ABOUT IT WAS EXACTLY THE SAME?!! now i just have excuses and justification but its still fucking bullshit. You want to help? There is nothing you can do, fucking nihilism gets us all down. Fuck it, continuation, catharsis. i'm the catalyst, even you can't deny that; the midas touch. lol, the Ktp effect. fuck...
Tom-Tom: You know, when people smoke, they die and sometimes even get cancer.
Heloise: ----
Tom-Tom: You know, when people smoke, they die and sometimes even get cancer.
Heloise: I can't die
Tom-Tom: You, you can't? why not?
Heloise: .... I don't exist
Tom-Tom: oh
(million dollar hotel)
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October 31st
Take care Loz, I hope we look for the best in this and i hope a star shines brighter for your family to look to. When stuff like this happens it never feels justified, and it isn't. I don't want to martyr you, but i will remember you with a smile
R.I.P. Lorraine Gregg (loz)
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October 29th
Jess wins a $7 book voucher : )(Redeemable in 2021) Bad complimented by good, solidarity cemented by air. It was bad, but now its good. I apologise on my own behalf. I whine far too much.
The end.
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October 25th
I've started writing again, but its really scary because i don't where some of it comes from and. and if its true i guess. i've scared myself. i don't know wether to post it up or not; because i suppose its showing the people i know (and love and respect etc etc) how i really feel at these random times. Even in the present. I guess now i need your help, those of you who really do log in reguarly, a one word e-mail - Do we all suffer from split personality? I feel my third person coming back and i don't like it.
FROZEN IN TIME2 - Lunchtime thoughts on work from last night(October 16th)
My own little urban bubble
Drains dripping creating wet hearts in stone.
So a quiet observer, movement creating what? Futility? Refecting my own ability to do nothing? Convex reflections of my own huge actions achieving nothing in the midst of it all. Whereas the great master-plan is kept going by all the minute actions pf what goes on all around me. People bustling by again, but in this little green bubble in my urban habitat and yuppie-Greggs-lunch-hour there are no dark corners. I enjoy my Apathy.
Kissing Chris and I see Ollie. Vision without (normalising?) glasses and I see Ollie. Is this part of healing? Another haunting, more lights on and less sleep. Where is my mind, my solace? Thanks Frank - a greater escape in music.
Did you taste the ocean spray?
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FROZEN IN TIME(October 15th)
Today we put on a CD which was supposed to be the Pixies but played the Stone Roses. Wierd
The view from the roundabout was stupidly stunning. I don't know how to set about painting something like that. But I'll do something.
*
I saw the Vodafone man today (ach, another story... but not a sordid one, put your disapproving eyes away), he has a wife and kid. Ria got married. And I'm frozen in time. Applying my whole past to my present life so I'm not moving at all. Just standing still on the Escalator while everyone bustles around me. Day is a slide... how many of you care enough to remember that one?
* I had a cigarette outside my old flat today, I wasn't concentrating and my feet just took me there. I was retracing steps anyway: This time last year I was the same but younger. With somebody who cared, same job, own place. I'm different, or maybe just older. and the paralells amplify my paranoia. Glances of figures that aren't there, hiding in corners which aren't really that dark.
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October 12th
i hurt. my stomach. too sleepy. blurry vision and fluffy brain.
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October 11th
er.. one thing to say really. THE CAZ-MEISTER IS HOME!!! lush, i really didn't want to go to the villa because the bastards fired me, moral protest! Yeah! but.. its tradition - which raises an interesting debate i suppose... friendship/tradition over morals... hmm... but today is not a day for writng and mindful debating. today is a day of celebration, i'm surrounded by people i love and i got a full-time job at HMV. only people with money can say they don't need it goddammit! its cool. And note to myself - i'm going to church for the first time in 9 maybe 10 years tomoro... Argh, debating with myself about my spirituality so much i need to do something. ANYTHING!!
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October 10th
Let the cyber world know, chris is watching bargain hunt, lol.
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October 9th
Just wierd. Well, not as wierd as last time, white picket fence as chris said, lol. And all these people asking me if I'm sure. SURE I'M SURE!! Friendship rules a-ok. Cool.
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October 6th
Today I shall mostly be tired... Rargh. But yeah, er, its not going to be depressive all the time but as i quite rightly said before and to this person yesterday; i don't really write abut the happy stuff because i don't have to... i guess, i don't know, ssh... its early.
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October 5th
But then there''s the times when you fuck up again and don't know what to say.. I can't believe what happened last night and I'm not impressed with myself and the guilt isn't nice. the guilt is what makes me sick and just starts the whole nervous-paranoia all over again. is this the kind of affliction i'll have to suffer with for months maybe year to come? Argh, i'm trapped in my own mind.
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And you do carry on, even though there are still those days when its hard to get out of bed in the morning and then when you do just nothing happens. But now there's more days when I do things, just for me and am learning the ability to be a friend a sister and a duaghter again. I like it
Sent : 23 December 2003 23:19:14
To : Kate Pearson
Subject : Re:
Nick (spurrell)
little sister and it was too too cheesy... C'mon... He sang!!! Gay... I
finish work on the 24tyh (aka. christmas eve) and i can't wait. I also
can't wait to get out of here!!
opnly cause i don't want to die. saturday night/sun morning involved tears.
tears that i guess just hadn't been shed in a while. and the time of the
year provides retrospect.
me. its been ok. hrash as ever but ok. proven y the fact that i'm still
here. and will be for a while more.
CHristmas Caleb, hope you got tyhe card in time.
i love you still
merry fucking christmas, both unconditional believers, for our own reasons. both believers in each other, for our own reasons. both love each other, for oour reasons. i miss you on my own, and i can't go - for my own reason. The day approaches - without you; without anybody..
Christmas Presents
Yup, every year, i buy like one in october and then leave the rest till christmas eve, so yeah, nobody expect anything like actually on time. Especially you Caleb, the last posting date to america approaches pronto soon, though your Christmas card si winging its way (shortly) accross the Atlantic.
i don't want to cry on the ollie subject because i know the time is fast approaching, aptly noted and reinforced by the Hand of Fate pushing Pete in my direction. You should be in jail, how did you get away with this one. I'm happy for your family, they've been through enough, but you should pay for your mistakes. This isn't slander, so hold your lawyers, a little bit of facing up to it never hurt anybody. After everything i've had to face look at me, it can't be that bad.
turn right at the lights and your left (you're left?) with this.
even Blazin Squad are on fire with my impetuous rage against everything.
Foreigner:So what?
Man:Maybe you'll be charged with assault..
Foreigner:Oh my God.
er, sure - i went to the graveyard but i got too scared, its just too crey and dark for comfort - FOR FUCKS SAKE HE'S STANDING RIGHT THERE!!! no behind yo/
fin
well, sometimes we just don't get what we want
