I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

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EULOGIES should me more along these lines....
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DEAREST JOHN: John Doe's better half replies with energy to issues raised by her worse half!
DEAREST JANE: A man addresses issues such as crossing rivers for his beloved...
FAVOURITE MOVIES Some notable personalities share their favourite flicks
PRESS RELEASE FROM THE AFGHANISTANI BROADCASTING CORPORATION The proprietor of Afghanistan's first TV studio shares his visions
DEDICATIONS: Music is the language of the heart -- touching messages to loved and not so loved ones

First of all, let me say that I am very sorry for failing to provide an update last week. No, wait. Actually I am NOT sorry! I had a ton of things to do this week that would brook no delay and my only free time were five minute windows that one cannot do much with! But all's well that ends well and here we are, fresh and bouncy after quite a week!

Beatrice and Val wanted to know what on earth was going on. Lucy wanted to know if I was out of my bloody mind. Beth was threatening to file a missing persons report. Jim and Oscar threatened to sue. And as for Ciku! My dear, your keyboard needs to be washed out with soap.

And for anyone or anything that doesn't like anything here this is especially for you:

Been quite a weekend if I do say so myself. Starting with blinking under the glaring flashes of innumerable press cameras and sweating profusely under the garish glow of a Nation TV camera spotlight, (consciously aware of the fact that I have made a statement that is going to bring merriment and laughter to the thousands of Kenyans who will see me), at the IEEE showcase i was convinced to participate under false pretences and much persuasion, followed by a very serious feast, Monopoly playing and goat eating festivities on Saturday in celebration of a friend of mine's progression to the arena of doing books for the Enrons and Worldcoms of this world and finally Sunday spent recovering from Friday and Saturday, sleeping in and otherwise cooling my heels from a strenuous week. The Patriarch again left for Uganda, and this time the Matriarch declined. Something about the fact that a country that is thinking about introducing a 50,000 bob note being a place that should only be enjoyed in small does.

This could well be one of the funniest things I have ever read! Hats off to whoever wrote it and hats off to Pato for forwarding it to me!

Dear Employee,
Following my promotion this morning to General Managers position in this company, ( a memo to that effect will be sent soon...) The following are the rules that I have come up with in the last 15 minutes and I will add more in the course of the day ...meanwhile I want to see these implemented ASAP.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:
Gross pay.. $1,222.02

Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Now get back to work, SLACKER.

July 26: IEEE conference. Try and convince skeptical Kenyans that skills abound.
July 27: Gorge self with roast meat and other foods as we celebrate David's joining of the accounting world!
July 28: Recover from IEEE conference
August 2: PARTY!!! Paint the town RED!
August 3: DJ, support and try to keep from dropping big shots' laptops at an IT conference at KICC

I have a constitutional right to give My own shout-outs to whoever I please!

Beatrice: Happy?
Yvonne: Your patience is impressive!
Pinky: That's right. You just go on underground like that!
Cheri G: Where on earth are you?
Laura: Am getting old and grey chilling for you and your correspondence.