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The Comic's Pages |
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Rollin' eZine Volume 1, Number 11 March 2001 =============
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Harley-Davidson Owner's Group (HOG) Qualification Test 1. The primary purpose of HOG is to promote: __a. Fellowship among Harley-Davidson owners.
__c. Motorcycle gangs. __d. Inbreeding. . . . 2. You see another HOG member riding the opposite direction on the highway you are on. You either: __a. Hold your arm off to the left and gesture with a proud salute. __b. Act too cool to notice and keep going. __c. Turn around, chase him down and beat him up for his chrome accessories. __d. Run after him frantically waving for help, since you've been stranded on the shoulder for over 5 hours. . . . 3. When performing your pre-ride check, you notice a few drops of engine oil on the floor underneath your motorcycle. You should: __a. Immediately clean it up with a towel and some oil dry. __b. Breath a sigh of relief that the engine still contains oil and optimistically press the starter switch. __c. Dab your fingers on the stain and then on your face, achieving that cool "greasy mechanic" look. __d. Pull the Harley forward so the rear tire sits on the oilstain and attempt a burnout. . . . 4. The most important piece of gear to a Harley rider is: __a. Half-helmet. __b. Goggles. __c. Leather chaps. __d. Wallet chain. . . . 5. You see a row of Harley-Davidsons lined up at a roadside drinking establishment. You choose to: __a. Stop and make some new friends. __b. Park for a moment, hammer down some shots of whiskey, and avoid a 4th straight DUI. __c. Attempt a wheelie. __d. Beat the crap out of some sucker and get payback for Uncle Dad. . . . 6. A valve stem has broken off and effectively seized up the engine. After removing the head and thoroughly inspecting the situation, you: __a. Head to an authorized H-D dealer and order genuine Harley replacement parts. __b. Decide to chrome plate the valve stems and springs __c. Conclude that more end play in the cams could have prevented this tragedy. __d. Try starting the motor so that the neighbors know you're wrenching on your bike. . . . 7. A Japanese-made cruiser pulls up in the lane next to yours at a stoplight. You: __a. Nod diplomatically at your fellow motorcyclist, in spite of his patriotic failure in his duty to buy American. __b. Grab a handful of throttle and race the engine, hoping to engage him in an exhaust volume contest. __c. Curse the #&*@-ing rice burner and throw your cigarette at him. __d. Keep pushing when the light changes. . . . 8. The guy down the block has a Sportster 1100 that is faster at the strip than your hopped-up Fat Boy. You feel a need to level the playing field where the power to weight ratio is concerned. You decide to: __a. Install NOS. __b. Remove the exhaust pipes and run straight headers, since more decibels equals more power. __c. Go on a diet. __d. Inform your 270 pound passenger she is no longer allowed to accompany you on the bike during runs at the dragstrip. . . . 9. Cruising along at full throttle, you are casually overtaken and passed by a 15-year old on a Zuma II scooter. You: __a. Stop at a payphone and dial 911 to notify the authorities of a reckless driver. __b. Attempt to pass the scooter back by imitating his hunched over riding style, reducing aerodynamic drag and gaining another .5 mph top end speed. __c. Curse the #&*@-ing rice burner and choke on your cigarette in the process. __d. Shoot him. . . . 10. The preferred method of cleaning a Harley-Davidson is: __a. S-100 motorcycle wash or equivalent. __b. Simonize. __c. Gunk engine degreaser. __d. Mother Nature. . . . ***BONUS QUESTION*** 11. You need new tires for your Harley. You decide to go with: __a. Dunlop Qualifiers. __b. Mickey Thompson Super Off-Roaders. __c. Cheng Shins. __d. Anything chrome-plated.
Just the Facts ma'am A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy) If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home ... maybe at work?) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research?) Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares? How'd they find out? Ask them?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??) (And why pigs?) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What! the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez.) (That's almost as bad as catfish) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.) [After reading all these, all I can say is...lucky pigs...] |
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__b.
Chrome-plating.