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Humor

The moment you cannot share a funny moment, is the moment you've lost your humanity.

It sounds harsh. But humor seems to be an integral part of the psyce. I'm no expert, but if you can't laugh, then why bother being serious. There's a balance.

Funny moments
Things overheard
Experiences

2003.8.30

Okay so Saturday I worked for a guy I know cleaning one of his rentals. One of the things he needed done was to re-string the curtain rod. I thought "Hey, I'm a mechanically inclined person. I know how to take apart a computer AND put it back together. I know more about cars than 3 guys I went to college with. It's just a simple pully system." So I went to work.

I opened the new string package and low and behold, there are instructions. Being female and inclined to read everything, I open them up and much to my surprise, it read "How to Install Your Traverse Cord in 6 Easy steps".
I thought I might share the interpretation as I worked through this six easy steps with you. You may draw your own conclusions of how this project turned out.

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 3:

Step 4:

Step 5:

Step 6:

2003.8.24

So this lazy Sunday morning had me once again disassembling the Sunday paper. Piles for the unwanted car ads, real estate, stores we never go to, then the main pages which I will read all the way through in approximently 40 minutes, comics and other parts of the paper that my brother wants to read first whenever he gets up.

About 3 minutes into laughing at Baby Blues, there is this unmistakable rustling in the closet under the stairs. I ignore it for a while, but it happens again so I open the closet rather reluctantly. I glance around and see nothing. I take one look back at the 20lb bags of rice we keep but I see nothing out of the ordinary and go back to the paper.

Again the mysterious scratching happens again. So I go back into the closet. I take a deep breath and pull out the bag that has the least rice expecting to see some evidence of scratching. By now, mom is hovering near by concerned that I've totally gone bonkers. I grab the second bag, and check the bottom. A patch of the waxy cover on the bag has been scratched away, but no rice is spilling from the bag, so I put it down and look at the mess from the shreds of waxy paper. I hear the scratching noise again.

It's coming from the rice bag with the waxy cover. Gingerly, I unroll the top and reel back as a ninja mouse comes flying out of the opening at the top of the bag. He must have gotten at least 3 inches above the bag. I begin using words that will certainly get me sent to a convent for the next 50 years of my life as my mom goes screaming up the stairs. Meanwhile our little sneak runs into the downstairs bathroom.

Now my brother is passed out upstairs in bed still. Dad is in the shower. After a minute of two of "how are we going to get him out of the bathroom?" Richard finally emerges from his bedroom and wanders on downstairs where we fill him in on the state of the second bathroom. He asks for two plastic bags and a towel. "It's just going to be like catching a little kitten." Please keep in mind Richard has NEVER carried a kitten let alone a mouse.

After about 15 minutes of Richard the bear verses this tiny mouse, Richard wins. My father then comes down and wants to know what was so funny.

2001.11.27

Okay so at 1400hrs I get a panicy phone call from my mom who wants treats made for this adult class she teaches at. So I stop everything I'm doing and turn the kitchen upside-down so I can make it by the time my mom gets home and then take off to work again. I clean the kitchen and get all the treats squared away. Mom comes home at 1700 hrs, makes spanish rice, comments on how thin the Krispie treats are and watches TV for 30 minutes before she leaves. It is about a minute later I realize she hasn't taken the treats I grab said treats and run out in a t-shirt, socks, and jeans into 55 degree Northern California weather on concrete. Chasing after the car only going 5mph, one might figure I'd catch up with my mom. Well that would only work if the car would stop. I made it all the way down the driveway (it's nearly 300' long) and stood under the street light in socks yelling at my mom all the time I still have 2 cookie trays. And this gets even better: She didn't need them yesterday. She needed them today as in the 28th.
While freezing and quite humiliated, on the bright side, no one saw me.

I wish I could have said everything in this world that is funny. But I think it's even funnier to hear things that other people say.

I don't want grasshoppers in my shorts.-R. C. Marquez 200207.04 with regards to an argument over drying underwear on the outside clothesline that is yet to be constructed.

"Work? I didn't think you had heard of it."
"It took me a while, I kept getting it confused with 'nap'."-Gilmore Girls script

If all the world's a stage and all the people are merely players, who in the bloody hell hired the director? -Charles L. Grant.

The best wedding vows would be, "I, George, promise you Lola, to take you seriously.-George Clayton Johnston.

There are 2 corrolaries to Murphy's Law: 1)It laready has; they just haven't told you. 2) They lie alot. -Elizabeth A. Lynn

The Three Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3. The energy necessary to change either of these states is always more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to be totally impractical.- David Gerrold

There are no things man was not meant to know-there are, perhaps, some things man is too dumb to figure out, but that's a different problem.-Michael Kurland

There are things in life that perhaps, one can only know if one has 'been there, done that'. And for that reason, I've chosen to leave their names out of it.

The Hot Oil

I don't know whose bright idea it was to have college students get their sorry butts up on Saturday mornings to make breakfast for the Alumni on home game days, but they did it anway. And somehow, I got stuck cooking the bacon and sausages.
Now we were given these electric pans with no draining but they did their job. The pancake people had a blast, but I was drowning 6-10 strips of bacon and about 20 sausages in about 3 inches of their own grease. If this was a heart-attack on a place, this was it. So along comes a guy friend of mine, for sake of argument, we'll call him Mr. Wizard, and he says that I should drain it.
Well being the smart ass I was at that exact moment getting splattered with grease, I told him to find something for me to pour the grease into. He scrounged around finding nothing wishing he had a tin can. Finally he comes running back to me with 4 styrofoam bowls. Mr. Wizard says "Hey, these things hold coffee!" I unplug the pan and let him pour.
Well as you can guess, the hot oil melted away the styrofoam as if it were acid, puddling quite nicely on the countertop, threatening the newly referbished conference room the school had. With the nice carpet. And the fresh paint. Being quick, I grabbed the unopened package of 500 papernapkins. Mr. Wizard only stood there scratching his head.
I went into the supply closet and found 5 tall paper cups. "No!" he shouted, "It's gonna burn through." remembering the styrofoam accident. Remaining grease went in there. And no more spills

The BBQ Skewers

It's Memorial Day Weekend in the states, the first official BBQ weekend and I organized a group BBQ event. So a couple of the guys are gormet BBQ cooks, least they think so..and one guy really does spend like 3 days preping, but he needs some Bamboo skewers.
So I get him to take me to the store, after all I'm only making a salad...I don't need that many days to prepare. Memorial Day, we're in the store, and I'm picking out vegitables and he comes back all flustered from his jaunt across the store with only my six pack of beer that I wanted and says he can't find his skeweres. I said "Give me a second, I'll go look with you." He says, "You'll never find them."
As we go past the dairy section I have this strange urdge to reach over and grab something on my right. I do so and find a package of bamboo skeweres. I hit him in the shoulder with the package and then as he's about to complain, he takes the package and asks "How'd you do that?" I shrug and select my half gallon of milk. As I saunter towards the bread ailse, he comes up from behind me dumping the skewers in the cart and says, "I should listen to my mom...she said never go to the grocery store without a girl."

My boobs