| Music Review of "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias I frankly do not understand the appeal of Enrique Iglesias. He has quite an awful voice to begin with, although with the music industry being what it is nowadays, I�m not even sure why I chose to start with that. Oh, maybe because that�s supposed to be the most important thing about a singer. Anyway, then there is that whole thing about how good-looking he is. Is he? I really cannot judge, because my chromosomes fail me at that point, but seriously speaking, he could pass off as one of those homeless people on the streets. He could be busking in an underground station singing some of his bad songs badly, and I still wouldn�t part with my dollar. Anyway, for some reason, I happened to be reading the entertainment pages of the newspaper that good day many good years ago, when both Enrique and his brother Julio, Jr. (both are the spawn of Julio Iglesias) were launching their careers, no doubt riding on the coat-tails of their famous dad. Anyway, Julio Jr. (JJ) did look the more appealing of the two, thinking back, except that I really could not bother reading the article to see how their music shaped up. But if Enrique sounds like how he sounds, then I guess JJ can�t really do any worse. Anyway, nowadays you don�t hear of JJ, but Enrique is all over the place, even possibly out-selling Ricky Martin at this point in time. Now, I don�t care about Ricky Martin as well, so you get it? I don�t care about these people. But I do care about my ears, who get assaulted by their �shake it baby, let�s get it on now, right here on the dance floor, are you hot because I am� lyrics to their tuneless melodies. So let�s head into the song. Those of you who have heard the song might know that it was hailed as one of those Sep 11 songs that gave us fresh new hope. To that, I�d tell you to forget it, and go listen to System Of A Down or P.O.D. instead, but that�s just me. Anyway, his song is basically a list of questions which he (presumably, though I will not jump to any conclusions here) asks a girl. The truth is that some of these questions are so gay that I�m not really sure what sort of a response any human being could possibly give. Sorry, but after my mental scars from doing research for my review of that Geri Halliwell song, which resulted in me not being able to write a music review for over a month, I could not bring myself to go and dig up information on who exactly he wrote the song for. Maybe his mother? You don�t believe me? Well, let�s go through the lyrics in all its banality and then you be the judge. First line is �Would you dance if I asked you to dance?� � I guess Enrique is into dancing then, as well as horrendously bad pick-up lines. The line following this sends me into fits of laughter : �Would you run and never look back?� Was this because no one wanted to dance with you at the prom, Enrique? Eh? And then just about the gayest line � I mean, question � in the whole song, �Would you cry if you saw me cry?� and �Would you save my soul tonight?� All the girls reading this, please tell me that you�d really run and never look back if some guy were to ever ask you those two questions back to back. More questions. �Would you tremble if I touched your lips? Would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this.� What the hell? So the two reactions we are looking at here when Enrique touches someone else�s lips (notice how we�re still not sure whether it�s a guy or a girl) is to tremble or to laugh? As if that�s not ridiculous enough, Enrique is also blind, thereby needing the other person to tell him whether (s)he�s trembling or laughing. I mean, what, you cannot see if someone is trembling, you cannot see nor hear if someone�s laughing? And then he ends the verse with yet another line from the bestselling Top 100 Gay Questions To Ask Your Gay Lover, �Would you die for the one you loved?� followed by �Hold me in your arms tonight�. The latter statement has virtually nothing to do with the question being asked, you realise. And we�re into the chorus. Thankfully, he decides to spare a thought for those millions listening to the song on the radio, who are trying to answer those ridiculous questions without thinking �Is this a test or something?�; and goes with four bold statements instead. These bold statements, he no doubt takes from that other bestseller, Top 100 Gay Statements To Say To Your Gay Lover. They are : �I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.� I guess it all makes some sense now. That last line about taking his breath away, is actually the inspiration for the �would you die for the one you loved� question in the previous verse, because Enrique is about to die after, you know, seeing this really gorgeous (wo)man or whatever, as all these people singing these kind of songs tend to do, aside from climbing the highest mountains and crossing the hottest deserts or whatever. Final verse. Three guesses as to what�s predominant, and the first two don�t count. Yup, questions. �Would you swear that you�ll always be mine? Or would you lie? Would you run and hide?� Hey, Enrique, those of us that don�t like the song have already run off and hidden ourselves in a bunker, you think we�d wait for the final verse? But I guess he�s asking that gender-indeterminate person he�s singing it to. Then : �Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?� I dunno about you, but if I actually made it through the song until this final line, I certainly am in too deep and have lost my mind. By the way, the video features Enrique Iglesias, Mickey Rourke and Jennifer Love Hewitt. More specifically, Jennifer Love Hewitt�s breasts and curves, as well as Jennifer�s lips sucking on a lollipop. Mickey Rourke beats up Enrique who then dies, and Jennifer walks through the desert rain (?!) in a wet shirt, no less, looking very forlorn and distraught. It�s meant to be sad, but it�s all very stupid. R.D.�s Rating : This one�s a HOT DAWG. At least he isn�t going all �Bailamos� on me, or whatever. But Enrique, who are you asking to be your hero? Eh, who? (What�s a HOT DAWG? Check out R.D.�s rating system here.) Sound off!! How big a distraction was Jennifer Love Hewitt in the video? How many questions from Enrique Iglesias did you sit through before your brain exploded? Is R.D. in too deep? Has R.D. lost his mind? Tell R.D. you�re his hero here. |