| Music Review of �Calling� by Geri Halliwell Man, you all have got to hear what I went through writing this. Then you�ll appreciate why it�s often better for me to review songs without actually having a good knowledge of the lyrics. Anyway, this is the latest from Geri �Ginger Spice� Halliwell. She�s ditched her gingery hairdo, and now her hair looks exactly like how a ginger does. Blonde. She also ditched some weight along with it. She might have also ditched some clothes along the way, though that is debatable � she wasn�t exactly in a 5-piece church choir some years back. Those of you who have not heard her remake of �It�s Raining Men� should consider yourselves well lucky � that was played to death about ten times over, and you still have a chance to hear it some nights at sleazy karaoke bars. In fact, you�re likely to hear a better singing effort there. Because if you listen to �It�s Raining Men�, you come to realise that Geri�s �voice� is the loudest when she�s speaking the lyrics, and in the rest of the song, her �voice� is upstaged and overpowered by the backup singers. I guess in this case they shouldn�t be called backup singers, but more like frontrow singers. Then she released this next song called �Scream If You Wanna Go Faster�, which was rightfully ignored by the entire world. You didn�t hear it? Well, neither did I. Thankfully, and for the good of all who, you know, breathe, that one barely dented the charts and went faster than I could scream. Which brings us to now. Many months later, she�s back. She took time off after her �Scream �� single because the chart results were too embarrassing to bear, and delayed her release of �Calling� so that people might forget that �Scream �� ever existed and then go out and buy this one. Thankfully (once again), that didn�t really work. It failed to hit the Top 5, just like �Scream ��, and looks to peter out of the charts before the year is up. I guess we should consider ourselves lucky (in a very tenuous use of the word) in a way � her album includes other tracks with titles like �Feels Like Sex� and �Heaven and Hell (Being Geri Halliwell)� (I�m not kidding) which could have been her third single instead. In between the two singles, she played on the see-saw with Robbie Williams and entertained troops in Oman. Entertain? You mean, �sing�? Man, I dunno, I wasn�t there. I�ll leave that up to your imagination, but I�ll say that I have never been �entertained� by her singing and I doubt troops in Oman would go watch her performance because "Hey, you know that Geri Halliwell? She's got such a great voice, let's go watch her sing!" Right, background bitching over and done with, let�s get on down to the song. I�ve divided my review into the (longer) analysis of her lyrics, and (shorter) takedown of her �vocal performance�. In order to analyse her lyrics, I had to find them. My Mercury Rev CD came to life and threatened to pummel me senseless when I typed the words �Geri Halliwell� in the search engine. I couldn�t imagine it myself, I felt I had to go take a shower after that. Anyway, it turned up way-too-many results, so I just clicked on the first, which was the official Geri Halliwell website. It sneakily requests you to click to begin, and then once you do that, it opens up a window which is impossible to close. (The only way to do it, was to click on this very small button called �Exit Site�, which was well-camouflaged. Also, I�m stupid.) So I decided to try and track down her lyrics. I should have known better, really. Geri isn�t exactly the best lyricist in the room, even if said room contained two people, and the other person is 3 years old and hasn�t learnt the alphabet. So it would be stabbing herself in the front if she were to actually �showcase� her lyrics on this, her official site. Nevertheless, I did find out that �Calling� is the song on her album that she is the most proud of, because she wrote it herself, it�s really personal and it represents her growth as an artist. I have since closed the darn window, and am typing that description from memory, although considering that�s what every single singer-that-can�t-sing-much-less-write has said through the years. You know it, I know it, there are endangered species in Amazonia that can recite it verbatim already, though reciting it will probably snuff out their life. Someone should obtain rights to such wordy fantastical aberrations of non-talent, they�ll make a million within a year. So let�s head to the lyrics then. This review is already going on for way too long already, so I shall only share some of her lyrics with you. Remember though, this is the song she wrote herself, and she�s the most proud of it. If you�ve applied eye drops, then let�s go, because I dare you to NOT roll your eyes at it all. The moon is high on me and you Is my message breaking through? Darkened skies that once were blue are falling So hear me now Through distant lands and mountain streams My river's running through your dreams There's an ocean in between Forever and never �Through distant lands and mountain streams/My river�s running through your dreams�? What the- she�s a river now? There�s nothing metaphorical about a damn river, at least not in her song. And she�s running through dreams � what are these dreams? Of distant lands and mountain streams? The hell?! What a paltry effort at rhyming. And so, I guess that�s how the moon gets high (?!) on �me� (river) and �you� (distant lands and streams? No, they were �your� dreams). Then what does it have to do with darkened skies that are falling then? Moon not high anymore? Is her message breaking through? Guess not, the moon is high. It�s not listening to you. And neither am I. (That, by the way, was pretty good rhyming.) As for her voice, it sounds like she just woke up from a long night of hard drinking and goodness-knows-what-else that would obscure her �vocal ability� like that. But, yeah, imagine yourself having a sore throat, then going drinking, becoming even more dehydrated, thus giving yourself a dry and coarse voice, and you�ve got, well, more vocal prowess than Geri has in delivering a rendition of this song. It�s really awful, and it has to be heard to be believed. I�m serious. Is my message breaking through? Darkened skies that once were blue are falling. So hear me now. Go. R.D.'s Rating : I know this, you know this, this was a DEAD DAWG "Calling" Geri's name, right from the start. (What's a dead dawg? Check out R.D.'s rating system here.) |