A Place To Belong
By: Rebekah Parham

-7-

Samantha woke up in a dark room that didn't look familiar to her. She tried to sit up but she got sick to her stomach. She laid back down and tried to remember what happened to her. It all came back, the dance, the party, the club. She sat up again but this time more slowly. She walked into the living room and saw John laying on the couch asleep. Samantha didn't want to wake him so she went over to the window and opened it. She stepped out onto his fire escape. It was almost December so it was pretty chilly. The cold didn't bother her. Since her mom had died she had felt a constant cold inside her body, but these last few months something had changed. She didn't feel the pain and sorrow she used to feel everyday. In fact some days even passed when she didn't even think about her mother not being with her anymore.

"Are you thinking of jumping" John asked.

Samantha turned around to see him standing on the other side of the window. "I tried not to wake you."

"You didn't. I don't sleep much at night anyway. Come in from out there you are going to catch your death" John said extending his hand for her to hold on to. Samantha came back into the apartment and sat down on the couch. "How's your head?"

"It's been better, that's for sure" Samantha said. "How long will this headache last?"

John sat down beside her, "For a few more hours" he said. "Do you want anymore aspirin?"

"No, that's alright." Samantha looked down at her hands, they were shaking. She tried to hide them for John so she put them under her legs.

John pulled her hand away and held it in his. He could feel her quivering. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing" Samantha replied.

"Sam..." John started.

"I just really want to go back to sleep" she said but she made no move to get up.

"You want to go back to bed?"

Samantha stood up and only slightly wobbled. John stood up with her to steady her. He helped her back to bed and tucked her in. When John started to get up off the bed Samantha asked, "Do you have to leave?"

John sat back down, "No, I can stay in here with you if you want."

Samantha moved over to the far side of the bed and gave him room to lie down. John was laying on his back with Samantha on her side. She slipped one of her hands inside his shirt sleeve so she was touching his arm. "My mom use to lay with me like this," she said before closing her eyes.

When Samantha woke up again, she and John were still in the same position. She felt silly that she had asked him to stay with her last night so she took her hand away from his arm. John stirred next to her. "Did you sleep well?" he asked.

"Yes, I even think my headache is gone." They both sat up. Samantha didn't get dizzy when she sat up and she no longer felt sick at her stomach.

"Do you want any breakfast?"

Just the thought of food made her cringe. "No thank you," Samantha said. "What time is it?"

"10:25" John said looking at his watch. "What time did you say Artie would be home?"

"He didn't give me an exact time. He just said it would be late this afternoon" Samantha said sitting back down on the edge of the bed. She saw her panty hose laying on the floor but didn't see any of her other clothes. "Where are my clothes?"

John went into the bathroom and picked up her dress and jacket she had left in there. He brought them back out to her. "You want to hang around here for today?"

"Thanks, but I feel stupid enough as it is. I think I just want to go home and crawl into a hole."

John sat down beside her, "Sam, don't feel like that. Everybody has done something they regret. You're only 16, I'm sure before your life is over you will do many more things that will cause you some regrets. Now, come on, I will take you home so you can get some more clothes. You can't very well go back to Artie's wearing that dress, even though you did look very nice in it."

"Thanks" Samantha said smiling.

Samantha let herself and John in Artie's apartment a few minutes later. "I'll be right back" she told him heading up stairs. Samantha took a quick shower and pulled on her favorite pair of jeans and a sweater. She didn't take the time to put on any make up. John was flipping through a magazine when she came back down. "I'm ready"

John looked toward her and smiled. He got up and they left. Walking back in his apartment John asked, "Do you want something to drink?"

"As long as it's not an alcoholic drink" Samantha said which made John laugh. Samantha walked over to where a guitar was leaning against the wall. She picked it up and ran her finger over the strings.

"Do you play?" John asked watching her from the doorway.

"What you just saw is about all I am capable of doing."

"Have you ever tried?" John asked walking over to her.

"No" she said.

He led her back to the couch. "Then how do you know?" He gave her back the guitar and showed her where to put her fingers. Handing her a pick, John said, "Now strum the guitar." It didn't sound like it should have. "You are trying too hard. Don't think, just feel the guitar." This time when she sent the pick down the six strings a beautiful sound came out.

For the next hour John showed her different chords and techniques of playing a guitar. "I understand why you do this now. It gives you the freedom to express yourself. Your thoughts and feelings; it's a very private thing. How do you share it with other?"

"I can't always." He took the guitar out of her hands and began playing and singing a song she had never heard. It was a beautiful song that made Samantha think of her mother. "I wrote that about my mom when she died" John said.

Samantha's voice crack, "Your mom died too?"

"Eight years ago, I was about your age. What about you?"

It always made Samantha sad to talk about her mother's death. "She had breast cancer. She died three years ago" Samantha said looking away.

John reached out to touch her arm. "Sam, it's okay to be sad. I still get sad when I think about my mom too." Samantha got up off the couch and walked over to the window. "Sam, talk to me. It only makes things worse when you bottle up all your feelings."

Samantha stood at the window staring out. She had always been taught that things that go on in a family were to stay in the family. "My father didn't love my mother. When she found out she had breast cancer he refused to let her have a mastectomy. He said that it wouldn't look good for business to have a deformed wife. It was the only time I ever saw my mother go against my father's wishes. She had the surgery, and afterward he wouldn't even touch her. He was never an affectionate man, but after she got sick he stopped acknowledging her at all. He wasn't even there when she died."

Tears were in her eyes but she learned along time ago not to let them fall. "Sam, you can cry. I promise not to tell anyone." She had never been allowed to cry in front of others and she wasn't going to start now. But when John came up behind her and put his arms around her she couldn't help it. Samantha buried her head in his chest and cried until she ran out of tears. Even after she stopped crying John continued to let her lean against him.

Samantha pulled away from him and dried her face off. "I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be. I'm glad that you told me." John said. "I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, and I promise that it will always stay between us."

"Thank you" Samantha said. "I may take you up on that."

"I hope you do."

-8-

Samantha was waiting in the apartment when Artie got home. "How was your trip?"

"Good" he answered "How was the dance?"

She didn't want to lie so Samantha said, "We had fun at the dance."

"Everything went alright?"

"Yes, everything was fine." Artie and Samantha ordered a pizza and watched television for the rest of the night.

The next day at school Anna ran up to Samantha first thing as she walked in the door. "What happened to you Saturday night?"

"I should ask you the same thing. Where did you and Brad go off to?"

Anna gave her a mischievous smile, "I'll have to tell you about that later. Josh said you went home but I tried to call you Sunday and I never got an answer."

Samantha and Anna walked down the hall to their first class. "After I left the party, I went into this bar to use the phone. I must have been more drunk that I thought because I started playing pool with these guys. It's a good thing John, Robby and Mike were there. Lord only knows what I would have done."

"So where were you Sunday?"

"John wouldn't let me stay by myself so I stayed at his place" Samantha said nonchalantly.

"You did?" Anna asked in a high pitched voice. "What happened?"

Samantha gave Anna a perplexed look, "What do you mean what happened? Nothing happened, I just spent the night in his apartment."

Anna's face dropped, "I thought I might be getting some juicy gossip."

"Sorry" Samantha said. "So tell me what happened between you and Brad."

Just then the bell rang for the beginning of class. Anna whispered, "I'll tell you later."

After school Anna and Samantha went back to Artie's place. In Samantha's room Anna started filling her in on what happened between her and Brad Saturday night. "We went up to Kevin's parents room. It was so pretty. It was done in pastels"

"Anna, get on with the story" Samantha said impatiently.

"Anyway, we had both had a little to drink so he started kissing me..."

"Did you sleep with him?"

"No, but we came so close it wasn't even funny. I think we would have if Mark and Amber hadn't walk in on us" Anna said.

"Do you love Brad?"

"I don't know" Anna said. "I know that he is all I think about. When we are together it's like I never want to leave him. I wish I could be with him all the time." Anna turned her attention back to Samantha, "What about you and Josh?"

"We haven't slept together."

"I know that, but I mean how do you feel about him?"

Samantha thought about it. "I like him. We have a lot in common and have fun together, but I don't really know what it feels like to be in love. So I guess I don't love him."

Anna listened to her friend. "That okay. As my mom is always telling me, Anna, you have your whole life to fall in love, right now just have fun."

Later that night Josh called. "Hey Samantha"

"Hey Josh"

There was silence for a moment before he said, "Are we cool? I really didn't mean to screwed things up between us, Saturday."

"You didn't. Everything is fine with us.".

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Josh, I am sure."

"Good, I was thinking maybe we could go out this weekend."

"Okay, that's sounds fine" Samantha said.

"I will call you later in the week and we can figure out what we want to do."

"Alright. Bye"

Samantha sat in her room that night and thought about what Anna had said. For the three months Samantha had been in Buffalo Josh was the only guy that had shown any interest in her. She didn't have those kinds of feelings for Josh that Anna had for Brad. She liked him and everything but she didn't want to be anything more to him than just really good friends. What would be the point of trying to have anything more, her father would only come back into town and take her away from him; from a life she had grown to love.

Josh, Samantha, Anna and Brad all went ice skating Saturday. Samantha skated every year but it wasn't something she was good at. She fell a lot, but so did everyone else. When Samantha and Anna could no longer feel their hands, they decided to go to Glindy's for some hot chocolate. Samantha watched how Anna and Brad hung all over each other. She was happy for her friend but a little envious. She wondered what it would be like to feel that way about someone.

Later that night Samantha and Josh were walking down by the pond again. "I really enjoy being with you" Josh told her.

"I enjoy being with you too."

Josh leaned over and gave Samantha a kiss. At first it was a sweet kiss like before, then it turned harder, more intense. Samantha pulled away. "Samantha, I'm sorry. I thought that maybe you were ready to move forward in our relationship."

"How much more forward do you want to go, Josh?" Samantha asked him.

Josh shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know. I just saw you watching Anna and Brad today and I thought...." Josh let the end of his sentence hang in the air. "I guess I was wrong."

Samantha could tell that her pushing Josh away had hurt him. Samantha put her hand on Josh's arm, "Josh, I didn't mean to embarrass you or to hurt your feelings. I do like you and we have fun together, but I have never been in this situation before. These feelings that I have for you are all new to me."

"We don't have to rush things" Josh told her.

Samantha gave him a smile but only felt partly relieved. She had a feeling that Josh wasn't being honest with her. That he wanted more, more than she was ready to give.

-9-

Samantha was walking through the park thinking about Josh when she heard someone say, "Hey stranger, where have you been hiding lately?" She turned around to see John walking towards her.

"I didn't realize I had been hiding." Samantha said.

"I haven't seen you around in a couple of weeks, I thought maybe Artie might have found out about the party."

"No, he didn't find out. I have just been busy with school" Samantha said showing him her book bag that was on her back.

John looked at her bag then at her clothes. "I was going to ask you about that little outfit you're wearing. Do you have to wear that to school everyday?" John asked indicating her short black pleated shirt and white shirt that was covered by her jacket..

"Afraid so" Samantha said.

"Man, I wish girls had to wear things like that when I went to school. It would have made it easier to show up everyday." Samantha smiled and looked down to the ground. "Something wrong?"

Samantha looked up, "What makes you think something's wrong."

"You seem a little preoccupied. I'm I keeping you from something?"

"No" Samantha said. "I was just thinking."

"Anything you care to share with me?" John asked. Samantha didn't say anything just looked around the park. "Come on Sam, you know you'll feel better."

Samantha walked over to a nearby picnic table and sat down. John followed her and leaned against the edge. "It's Josh" Samantha said removing her book bag from her back, "I think he is ready for more between us."

"Is he trying to push you into things you don't want to?" John asked seriously.

"Not really. He says that he is going to be patient with me but I can't shake this feeling that he's not happy with the pace of our relationship."

"Does this have anything to do with that party the other night?"

Samantha looked around the park again. Even a cold as it was, the park wasn't deserted. "That's when I started noticing things. See my friend, Anna, and her boyfriend" Samantha stopped and became a little embarrassed, "well, their relationship is progressing rather quickly."

"I see" was all John said.

"John, you don't have to listen to this if you don't want to."

John sat down beside her. "Sam, I told you, I am willing to listen to anything you have to tell me."

Samantha continued on about her problem. "Well, it's like now when we all go off together we both watch them and wonder why we don't have that. He kissed me the other night and it was different."

"What do you mean different?"

"Usually I like it when he kisses me, but that time it was..." Samantha ran her fingers through her hair trying to figure out how to explain what she was feeling. "It was confusing. It's not that I didn't like it, it's just more like I wasn't prepared for it." Samantha looked back at John, "Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah, it makes sense."

"Do you think it makes me sound like a child?" Samantha asked.

Propping one leg over the other John turned sideways on the bench so he was facing Samantha. "You don't sound like a child. You sound like a young woman that has confused emotions about a boy. You're no different than any other couple out there. They all go through these problems?"

"They do?"

"Sure they do. Once upon a time, I'm sure even I had this problem" John said trying to draw Samantha's shy smile back to her lips. It worked. "Sam, the most important thing right now is not to do anything until your sure it's what you want."

Samantha nodded her head. "Thank you" she said.

"For what?"

"For listening to me complain."

"You weren't complaining, but I was happy to listen. Isn't that what friends are for?"

"Yes" Samantha said with one of her shy smiles. "So now that you've heard my problem tell me one of yours" Samantha told him.

"I can only pick one?" John laughed.

"How many do you have?"

"Not really that many. I am just frustrated."

"Why?" Samantha asked.

"Rob and I have been doing this band thing for like three years now. At first it was just something to do in our spare time, but now it's become..."

"Your passion" Samantha finished for him.

"Yeah. We really want to try to make a go of it. To see if we can make it."

"Oh John, I'm sure you can. You guys are awesome" Samantha said, using Anna's favorite word.


"You think?"

"What are you doing, fishing for compliments?" Samantha teased. "Of course I think you guys are fabulous, and so does everyone else in Buffalo. My mom use to say, 'you never know what you can do until you try'."

"She sounds like she was a smart lady" John told her.

"She was" Samantha said remembering all the times her mother had comforted her when she was sick or upset, just the way John was doing for her now.

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