My musings on the world that surrounds and astonds me. For September, 2000
Depression sucks.
Lately I've noticed that I've really sunk into depression pretty bad. It's not quite the suicidal-want-to-sleep-constantly-style depression, but I can feel it, stalking on the edges of my perception.
Mostly it's because I'm losing faith. People I know who are truly good, and live and do good keep having bad things happen to them. People I know who do bad keep profitting from their bad acts.
The other thing that has me so down is even sadder. Some of the folks we called friends have decided they don't value our friendship. Begun to treat us poorly. Backstabbing, gossiping (oh yeah, and they were the ones that were saying that it was so mean to gossip, but evidently it's a case of do as I say, not as I do.) ignoring, not appreciating, generally behaving rudely and unkindly.
What really bugs me about this is that we've tried to always be friends with them. No one is perfect and we've made mistakes, but then so have they. We've overlooked them. But now it's not mistakes anymore, theres out right hostility.
What makes it difficult is that we're bumping into each other in the same circles. They're in our Vampire game. They live nearby. All that kind of thing.
But Mike said the other night that even though things have been stressful, he's pretty happy with his life. He has his family, he's happy with who and what he is. I was feeling that way too, but I'm just having such a time shaking the bad feeling I get from being hated for no reason.
In the end, I can't control the way others behave. I have enough challenges controlling how I behave.
In the end I can let the depression overtake me, or I can focus on the good in me, around me, revel in the friends I have that are of value and wish good things for those people who have hurt me, so that I can be a better person.
I'm not gonna succeed every time in that. A darker part of me wants to return their hate with the evil that I am capable of. As I've heard it put before, "show them what the word Bitch really means." That darker part gets a stab in here and there. Poor Mike, who's getting the same treatment, gets an earful when I'm really feeling hurt.
So now I'm at the crossroads, as I so often am, dealing with the opposing forces within myself and trying not to mete evil and spite with the same. I hope that I'll be able to press myself to be good.
I fear a bad night and a bathtub full of warm water.
Archive
We're both going to take an HTML class for the next school quarter. I want to be a Web Developer like Fredd. Of course, I'd never really be like Fredd, he's a graphic artist, I'm a wordsmith, but I wouldn't mind a job like his.
Mike just wants to make movies. He wants to be the next Stanley Kubrick or Stephen Spielberg or whoever. He'll settle for random IS worker, but he feels like he's losing out.
I'd love to accomodate him. Maybe my self designed removal from society will give me the opportunity to give him something to film