WARNING - This contains some Mild Swearing
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I got this in an email awhile ago and since i live in Wisconsin i thought it was funny :)
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How To Save Your Ass If You Plan To Visit
Wisconsin This Summer.
Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
- Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a
diner.
They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If
you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.
- Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Menomonee,
Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.
- Don't order a bottle or a can of pop here. Here it's called "soda."
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
- We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are
also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a
bunch
of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
- We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here.
Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to
time,
but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order t run
for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
- Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that
inspires
tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love
and pride of cheese or we'll kick your ass.
- We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the
hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick
your ass.
- Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well done like God
intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't
ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
- Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That
will
incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.
- Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited big-city hellholes like Detroit, New York,
and Chicago, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Interstate 90, 94, and 43 are ready when you are. Move your ass on home
before it gets kicked.
- Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farmland. If
you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to
Chicago.
- Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet,
little
gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.
- So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the
farm
or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy,
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our
fresh
air and we'll kick your ass.
- Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.
- Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the
prairies should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass shot
(right
after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine
box. Minus your ass.
Now enjoy your visit and then go home.
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