To My Daughter,

I am a mother of a beautiful daughter who I dearly love but have not seen since the day in 1986 when I placed her into the arms of the angels who are her parents. (Thanks Roger and Diane!)

I never expected to be a mother and had had no intention of it till I was married. Being young I went and did something really dumb. We never listen to our parents and decide we have to learn everything on our own. We learn much later that they were only looking out for us, trying to keep us from doing the same mistakes they did when they were our ages. I went to a party that I would have better avoided. I wound up in a strange place along with someone who did not want to take no for an answer. I found out later I was pregnant. I had few options. I could have an abortion, which I don't believe in personally for me. I could have the baby but not keep it or keep it and not be able to give it the things I wanted her to have. I eventually decided to go through private adoption where I could pick who the parents would be.

I gave my daughter to two of the kindest most loving and giving people I have ever met. They were meant to be with each other, my daughter and them. Since the day I watched her leave till the day I see her again, I have not and will not stop thinking of her. I miss her so much. There are so many things I wish I could have seen; her first step, her first words, the first teeth, the first time she rode a bike and so many more. And things I still want to see; her first date, her graduation, and so much more. I wish I could have been there for the triumphs and yes even for the disasters that happen.

I constantly wonder what she is going to think about me. Actually I wonder what she does think about me, as I know that she knows who I am and all. I seldom call, not because I dont care about her, but because I didn't and don't wish to interfere in anyway in her life. I haven't sent presents as I didn't want her wondering who this person is and again upsetting her life. I haven't visited because I made a promise to myself that I would allow my daughter to grow up and become as beautiful as she can be with no interference from me, no confusion other than normal from growing up, and that when the time was right her and her parents would let me know.

I gave my daughter to Diane and Roger not because I didn't love her or want her. I gave my daughter to her parents because I love her more thatn life itself and I wanted her to grow up happy. I knew if I kept her that I would never be able to give her the things I wanted to give her, that I wouldn't be able to take care of her the way she needed to be taken care of. I wanted her to be happy, healthy and loved.

There is a part of me that is so very frightened that she is going to not want to see me, that she will hate me for giving her away. I know she wasn't brought up that way and she has asked to see me.

I call and talk to her parents and ask about her. I have pictures of her from the day she was born to the present and they send me more all the time. I have a picture of her with her bike; she was 5th in the state in her age category(6) in bike racing. Then there is a picture of her in a graduation gown on where she graduated from one of her classes. I would post these as well as her name but I want her safe and I don't feel posting her picture is wise. I am going to have pictures of me here though so she can see them.

I love you daughter with all my heart and I hope you feel the same. I hope to see you sometime soon. Stay safe and happy.