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| 23/10/06 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Here again and its been a real long time. Funny how things you thought were sorted can come back and slither into your cortex like some invidious poisonous thread but there you go that's how it is. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| On so many levels things don't matter anymore, on other levels you can develop a better understanding but on yet more levels the void can open up again even deeper and more yawning than before. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I'm not sure I even listen to myself anymore so I don't see why anyone else should listen to me either. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I no longer hate myself for this other part of me but I do feel what ???? It's something negative but I can't grab the right word yet.give me a minute!(p'raps 2 minutes!). Regret is a good part of it but not all, guilt is another and I thought that was long gone, cursed is pretty good. Fuck there is a good word but I'm bolloxed if I can think of it right now. It might be better if I just try and describe. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Something that happens probably every other day on average tho' sometimes more often and sometimes less is that I can be just driving along a street or walking along and I see a woman dressed normally, looking no different to countless others but something just resonates and I find myself wishing that was me. I can see no real reason for why this happens, it's not sexual it's not attraction I can't explain it. It just gives me a sense of loss somehow that that's not me. I get a sense of yearning and that that should be me. These feelings don't last forever sometimes they're instantaneous there for a split second and then gone again other times they can linger for hours. Like I said I can't explain it and after all this time I can see no pattern or logic - even warped logic. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Trouble is those negative feelings follow on like day follows night - it's unavoidable and that gives me that low self esteem and I don't like myself for it. If it was something I looked for or sought out then p'raps I wouldn't get them but I don't and I never see them coming. It makes me want to run away from myself, just take off into the nowhere yet I know where that nowhere is - it's a numbed out haze, drugging and drinking and shutting myself off till I don't feel it anymore. That way lies disaster. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Has this turned into an incoherent ramble yet? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I think I might just have worked out why the guilt thing's back again tho' lets hope I can spew it out in some understandable form of words...... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I think it's because I'm here with a partner, home and family - everything that anyone could want but it's that whole conflict thing again (go read the Define The Conflict page) . It's a threat thing I reckon, Purple and everything that she is stands as opposite to what I have and I can't balance the two I don't think anyone could. It's a bit like chalk and cheese they just don't go together. And I think I fight it in the same way you would fight anything that stands to break up your security. You wouldn't let a wolf in your door would you? Being brutal I feel like she needs to be out more than she is but I know she can't and I don't want her out because if she was then I can say goodbye to what I've got and I'm not prepared to give that up. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And why regret? That's a weird one, regret for what? Dunno but that's definitely what there is and the more I think about it the more that one is puzzling me. Regret is for something lost and I've lost nothing so where the fuck does that come from? Can't answer that one for now my friend. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cursed is easy enough though and pretty self explanatory so I don't propose to waste any more words expounding on it. If you (whoever you are) don't get that by now what the fuck are you doing still reading all this old bollox? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| There's fear as well. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And I'm getting scared just thinking about opening this one and letting it out because inside I feel that by giving it form and substance I'm turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy and I know that sounds stupid - fuck me I just re-read those words and I really really know it's ridiculous but there you go it's just how it is. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Have to go get a fag now just to try and get this shit out and I don't mean a laxative. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tigers out of cages | This feels like a BIG fucker | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Traps been sprung | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hares out of the trap | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| See the thing is I feel that if I let go and let her out then she will really come out and I don't know where that might end up. I'm petrified that it's something I won't have any control over. If she comes out as she wants to then where the fuck am I? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| What I'm trying to finally puke out is that I'm so scared that if I let her out then she will take over and if I've given her free rein then I've no defence against her (is this something Ive banged on about before ?) and p'raps this is the new bit.... Where will it end up ? Will I progress into being transsexual? Not something I'm looking for but it is something I'm frightened about. And I mean frightened because it doesn't matter how remote but I do see it somewhere in all of the very distant possible futures and like I said Im petrified by that. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You got the point that I'm not overly happy about the idea? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| See refer that to my thoughts about autogynephilia (Page before this in Late Night Spliff Ramblings - oh by the way did I mention I'm now spliff free ? probably not cos it's nothing to do with this lot of regurgitation but there you go - what we call an aside!) and me... I can see a potential direct line between the two, it's one thing to have a sexual weirdness about taking a feminine role its another thing entirely to think that a sex change could become a consideration. FUCK FUCK FUCK that chills me to the bone. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And all of this, everything I've said tonight just smacks against what I've got and what I love. And it makes me feel a fraud, like I'm lying to those I love. That I'm giving false promises and fake hope. That makes me feel like such a wanker and I know I'm not because I'm not saying thats what will happen, I'm not saying thats what i want, I'm just giving vent to my fears but these things are inside somewhere don't matter how deep or distant. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Not sure there's anything left to say tonight | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| NEXT LOT OF SELF PITY | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Night x | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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