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This is why it fucks your head up........... |
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So what is a hero then? No I'm serious. What is a hero? Well its fucking obvious isn't it? Someone who does something brave, selfless, something seemingly impossible, you know something heroic. Here's the Oxford Dictionary definition: "a man noted or admired for nobility, courage, outstanding achievements, etc." - it goes on a bit longer with more but I guess you get the point. |
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Now the argument as to what constitutes a hero has been done to death. What is less heroic about grinding your life away down the local factory/office/retail cathedral to support your children and their mothers at total expense to your own life than overpowering a machine gun emplacement in a thirty minute battle fever? NOW pay attention: I am not suggesting they are at all comparable that in fact IS the whole point they are in truth incomparable but in their own way both would seem to qualify as heroic. You know there's millions of hero's out there each and every day. That's my view anyhow but others might say that this devalues the true meaning of a hero. That it should by its very definition be something extraordinary and singularly awesome. I don't see it, to me the whole point of the hero ethos thang' is the inspirational emotion you can grab hold of and take in. |
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But anyway that's not the main point I wanna make, in my usual longwinded farty about arsed manner what I'm getting at with all this is: the problem is the second word of the definition: man. And again, NOW pay attention; it is not about the equality issue it is about the division it imposes between male and female. That division is artificial in every sense baring reproduction. But that division is fundamentally rooted within our every aspect. Language our most precious form of communication is built around that division. Culture, society, economics, parenting, you name it; it is constructed around that core division. |
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So does that relate to me as TV? Well, yes quite significantly because it demonstrates the core conflict I've felt. And I guess the core issue that I've walked out on. I don't do it. That whole fucking stupid, pointless, wasteful, painful, ridiculous division is impossible for me. I stand outside it. Outside the biological I can't do that division because I don't have it - how could I position myself on one side of the wall as being distinct from those on the other when part of me feels aligned with that other side? |
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But you see that's what you smack your head against being TV. Every core part of you, every sinew of your environment, your society, your formative years - everything, conflicts with how you feel, how you view the world and how you wish to see yourself and critically where is your place in the world. You are part one and part the other but you are neither wholly one nor the other. It's like in your head there's a jelly on a plate and it goes wibble wobble, wibble wobble backwards and forward from one side to the other all the fucking time. It's taken me 33 years to get to a point where the jelly has almost stopped wobbling. I know how to make it finally stop (but I'm still avoiding it 'cos I'm scared!) and maybe when it does after 33 years I'll finally get a proper nights sleep. |
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Ok get where you're coming from, but where did it come from..........? |
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