Jokes for Seekers on the Path (and off it too)

Holier than thou

There were two monks in a monastery doing their daily rituals. They were about to bow to their deity. One got on his knees and said, "Oh master, I am nothing, I don't exist, all there is, is You." The next monk bowed down even lower and said, "Oh great one, I am less than nothing! I don't exist and I never did. You are all there is!"

In the corner a janitor was sweeping the temple and watching the monks. He thought to himself, "Hmmm, that looks pretty good! I think I'll try that." He walked over to the deity and bowed while the monks watched him. He said, "Oh mighty one, I too am nothing, you are everything." As the two monks looked on with disdain, one said to the other, "Humph! How dare he! Look who thinks he's nothing!"

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache:

2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Jewish Woman Visits the Guru

An old Jewish woman took it upon herself to travel to Nepal to meet with this famous guru. Her friends tried to dissuade her, saying that the trip was long and arduous, and with her varicose veins it could mean real trouble. They could not talk her out of it, however. So, she made her preparations and set out. It began with a 36-hour flight on Air India with four stopovers, followed by 2 hours on a rickety propeller plane from W.W.I. Then a ride on a cog railway. Then a 2-day trek in a camel caravan over icy mountain paths. She was half dead when she reached the guru's village. There she learned that it would be perhaps ten days before she could have an audience with the guru because so many seekers had come to see him. She was also told that when she entered the guru's tent, she would only be allowed to speak five words, since the guru was so busy. So, she rested and prepared, all the while trying to choose her five words carefully. Finally, the day came. Into the tent she went and seated herself on the hard stool facing the guru. And then she leaned over and spoke: "Enough already, Sheldon, come home.

Updating the Bible

The brewing industry was in terrible shape, losing money and laying off employees. Industry leaders hit upon a plan: They went to see the Pope and said, "We'll give 10 million dollars to the Church if you agree to change the Bible: Where it says, "Give us this day our daily bread," change it to "Give us this day our daily beer."

The Pope was outraged and said, "No!"

The brewery representatives said, "Okay, 50 million dollars."

"Absolutely not! I won't tamper with the Word of God!"

After some consultation, the brewery representatives said, "Okay. 100 million dollars and that's our final offer!"

The Pope thought about the good the Church could do with $100M and he decided that he couldn't turn down the offer. He accepted.

At the next General Council, the Pope announced, "I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that I've made 100 million dollars for the Church. The bad news is....we lost the Wonder Bread account...."

Christian Gratitude

It seems a pastor from California skipped services one Sunday to go mountain lion hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a lion collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain -- with the lion in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both his legs. As the lion closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that lion a Christian." Suddenly the lion skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to eat."

Vows of Silence

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said: "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here was complain."

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