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DEAR DR FROOD, pyschotherapy for the truly insane
The following columns were printed in Osho Mag, a Montreal Osho magazine that published around 1991-93. Most of the material below was originally published in French.
Septembre 1992
With this issue OSHO Mag is pleased to begin publication of Dear Dr. Frood the advice column of the world famous psychotherapist Dr. Sickman Frood. Dr. Frood has indicated that he would love to receive more questions from sannyasins, since he finds your problems much more complicated and challenging than those who have not yet begun the difficult climb towards the peaks of higher consciousness.
Dear Dr. Frood:
I don't know if I'm in love or not, or with whom. Can you help me?
Ma Trulov
Dr. Frood advises :
You are very confused, and now I am too. Could you please write again and provide more details, especially juicy stuff. Are they married, how many are there, how do you keep them from finding out about each other, is it just sex, if so, what?
Dear Dr. Frood:
I was eating alphabet soup the other day. I looked into my bowl and it spelled out "Fuck you". Is existence against me?
Sw Tremolo
Dr. Frood advises :
This is definitely your own fault. If you would eat chicken soup you wouldn't have this problem.
Write to Dr. Frood about your problems. No matter how hopeless a case you may be, Dr. Frood, the world famous psychotherapist, will help you find your way to enlightenment. If you are already enlightened and have serious problems, we will not embarrass you by printing your real name. Include one or more answers to your question in order to save time for Dr. Frood.
Write to Dear Dr. Frood, Enlightenment Clinic, ....................................., Québec (Qc), G1R 1W5.
December 1992
Whether you are enlightened or an idiot, no problem is too serious for an answer from Dr. Frood, the world-famous psychotherapist, presented exclusively in Quebec in Osho Mag. (We are fortunate to have received this selection from Dr. Frood's recent correspondence, just before his latest nervous breakdown.)
Dear Dr. Frood,
My boyfriend thinks he's Mr. "King of Tantra". He never comes when he fucks me, and he doesn't move either. I usually fall asleep after about 10 minutes. The other day I caught him jacking off in the bathroom. I haven't had an orgasm since last Hallowe'en when I dressed up as a witch and was riding around on a broom handle.
Suzie Skreech, Houston, Texas
Dr. Frood advises:
How can you sleep during such a sublime experience as the sexual act? Try sitting on top of him for a change. That way if you fall asleep he will notice it more easily. And if he insists on not moving his body, remember that it is all right to make love to a dead person, with their consent.
Dear Dr. Frood,
I smoke so much, I have burned a whole in my tongue. I repeat fifty times every day before I get up, " I am a non-smoker" and also "I believe that I can believe whatever I want to believe". (From your book "Believe your way to Ecstasy"). But I love smoking so much, I feel divided, do I want to quit or not? Please tell me!
Michael Hunger, Yorkshire, England
Dr. Frood advises :
You must accept your inner division. Repeat every day after your other affirmations "It's OK to believe one thing and do the opposite" (From my latest book "Lying your way to God").
Dear Dr. Frood:
I forget things everywhere. I forgot my pants in the closet. I lost my shoes under the bed. I'm sure there is something I forgot in the bathroom but I can't find it. I was just doing something a few seconds ago, but I can't remember what it was. At least I can remember my own name.
(unsigned)
Dr. Frood advises:
You also forgot to pay me for your last visit. No problem, I found your pants in my closet with your wallet in them.
Dear Dr. Frood:
I would like to have a relationship without getting into a relationship. Should I just have sex and not think about relationship OR just have a relationship and not think about sex?
Sw. Akrash, Mont St. Hilarant
Dr. Frood advises:
Do you want me to answer your question without talking about SEX, or talk about SEX without answering your question? And don't you think it's childish to underline the word SEX twice in the same sentence?
For THE answer to your problem, write to "Dear Dr. Frood", Enlightenment Clinic, .................................., Québec (Qc), G1R 1W
Is your life a series of one-way streets all going the wrong way? Not to worry! Dr. Frood, the world-famous psychotherapist has THE answer to your problem. Unfortunately he is currently in the hospital again. While doing Dynamic meditation, in a fit of hysteria during the catharsis, he threw himself out of the window. Fortunately, he was meditating in the basement, and was not seriously injured, but he is staying in the hospital until he calms down. Nonetheless, he has managed to answer your letters:
Dear Dr. Frood:
If I become enlightened and am no longer interested in sex, will my boyfriend still love me?
Dr. Frood advises:
Don't tell him you are enlightened. Tell him you have a headache.
Dear Dr. Frood:
Can I get AIDS if I masturbate without a condom?
Dr. Frood advises:
Only if you have open cuts on your hands. Personally I find it better to wear rubber gloves.
Dear Dr. Fraud:
How dare you print all those vulgar letters about masturbation? You make me feel ashamed to be Jewish. You don't fool anyone calling yourself Dr. Frood. Everyone knows your real name is Fraud. How can you claim to be a psychotherapist, you are driving me nuts. If you don't print this letter, I will give you a good spanking next time I see you.
Eleanor Fraud
Dr. Frood advises:
Please Mom, I'm printing your letter right away, give me a break. I will try to improve, I promise. I'm coming for supper Sunday.
Dear Dr. Frood:
I was leading a Vipassana meditation group recently. About twenty minutes into a sitting, the smoke from the incense I was burning set off the smoke alarm and sprinkler system. Two participants are suing me for "damage to their witness". As an expert on meditation, do you think this will cost me a lot of money?
Dr. Frood advises:
You will probably win the case. How can there be a witness to witness the damage to the witness?
Dear Dr. Frood:
I am learning to love myself. Sometimes I get carried away and start kissing my hand in public. It is very embarrassing and I hate myself for being so unconscious. My therapist told me to use the affirmation, "I love myself when I hate myself for loving myself". Do you agree?
Dr Frood advises:
It's a brilliant affirmation! I love myself for hating myself for loving myself for being jealous I didn't think of it first.
Dr. Frood thanks you for your many problems. He sends assurances that even if he does not have the time to answer every letter, he worries a lot about every one of you. Send your problems to Dr. Frood, c/o Way of the Laughing Moose, ..............................................., Québec (Qc) G1R 1W5.
Is your energy like a broken elevator, stuck in the basement? Not to worry! Dr. Frood, the world-famous psychiatrist, has THE answer to your problems, and not only for your personal problems, but also for your health problems due to environmental degradation. Dr. Frood has sent exclusively to Osho Mag, a photo of himself wearing his new invention to protect humanity from loss of hair due to acid rain, and bags under the eyes due to ultra-violet radiation from the ozone hole. Dr. Frood assures us that the invention will soon be available to the public.
Dear Dr. Frood:
My astrologer says I have an identity problem because I act like a Libra even though I am a Scorpio. As a doctor, can you tell me if there is an operation for changing your sign?
Dr. Frood advises:
You think you have troubles with astrology! In the last issue of OSHO Mag, my column only got 2/3 of a page, while the horoscope got a full page.
Dear Dr. Frood
I buy organic decaffeinated dealcoholized instant coffee, presweetened (with honey from organic buckwheat), packed with distilled spring water (low in sodium) and wild llama milk (.02% fat), ready to heat in the microwave, in a biodegradable package with no CFC's, unperfumed, unsulfured, without sodium glutamate or potassium,no coloring and approved by Consumer's Digest. What kind of cup should I use to drink it?
E. Herman
Change your brand! I don't buy anything unless it's packaging is edible.
Dear Dr. Frood:
I bite my fingernails, and when I have no more fingernails, I bite other people's fingernails. I am completely normal except for this one bad habit. Do you think this could be a problem from a past life? Do you have a solution for my problem?
Dr. Frood advises:
Fingernails are a very good source of calcium but if you are really interested in past lives, I am starting a club for people who were Alexander the Great in a past life, and I will be the president of the club.
Dear Dr. Frood:
He never gives me flowers or writes me poems anymore. Where did I go wrong?
Dr. Frood Advises:
Stop asking dumb questions and find out who he's giving them to, and fast.
We are sorry that we are unable to publish the very popular column by Dr. Frood in this issue. However Osho Mag did receive a postcard from the famous psychiatrist while on vacation in Nova Scotia. According to the caption, the card shows a photo of an eagle's nest, which is unfortunately invisible due to the typical Cape Breton fog.
As a bonus, we had the pleasant surprise of receiving a letter from the no less famous Madam Frood, duchess, multi-millionaire and benefactor of the arts and sciences.
The text of both letters is reprinted below.
August 17, 1993
Dear Osho Mag editors:
Can not send you my column. Am too busy relaxing on vacation (helicopter ride, sea kayaking, face massage, fireworks,...) Mme Frood not used to camping (asthma, hysteria, eczema, fainting, etc.) Received many urgent letters from readers. Very interesting problems - hope they will last at least until my return.
Am at Meat Cove, N.S. - what adventures! Letting my beard grow. I find myself more and more handsome. Mme Frood does not like sandpaper sensation; told her good face sandpapering will make her look younger. Very romantic scenery. Second honeymoon for us.
Until the Autumn, Happiness,
Dr. Frood.
August 17, 1993
Dear editors,
I am writing to you to excuse my husband for not sending you, as agreed, his column for Osho Mag. If you knew how difficult it is to live with him, you would think twice about accepting his advice in any case. By the way, the only good answers in his column are mine, since I open all his mail.
I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of our "vacation". My husband had to be saved by helicopter from a cliff where he was inspecting an eagle's nest. He couldn't get down because of his fear of heights. This incident cost me a memorable asthma attack!
He also had to be rescued by sea kayak from a sand bar. While he was meditating, the tide rose and left him stranded in the ocean because of his fear of water. I had to take a bottle of valium to calm down!
We also had to go to the Meat Cove hospital to separate his hands from his face. By mistake, he used the tube of glue from the tent repair kit, instead of the insect repellant. This stress resulted in an attack of eczema the very next day.
Finally, he burned his face when he blew up the barbecue (I fainted). Since then he has been growing a bristly beard because it is painful for him to shave. I wouldn't mind so much if he weren't always trying to smooch with me.
The worst of all, is that all these misfortunes forced me to cancel my benefit supper to raise funds for the Meat Cove lobster fishermen's symphony orchestra.
I mention all of this simply to explain why he was unable to write his column, whereas, if we had stayed at the hotel as I suggested, we wouldn't have had any of these problems. Thank God I am here to look after him, what would he do without me! Such a test of our love...
Your humble servant,
Madam Frood
Winter 1994
Following the publication of the letter from Madam Frood in the last OSHO MAG, several readers requested that we publish Madam Frood's column on etiquette, that appears in all the world class newspapers. Madam Frood has obligingly responded to questions on etiquette coming specifically from the readers of OSHO MAG.
Dear Madam Frood,
I received a massage recently. After the massage, I made love with the masseur. Should I still have to pay for the massage?
Totally disappointed
Dear Totally disappointed,
For erotic massage, only the man pays. For therapeutic massage, if the sex begins after the time for the massage is finished, sorry, you have to pay for the massage.
Dear Madam Frood,
I pay my therapist $75 an hour. The last time, when I left, he looked dejected. Is it necessary to tip your therapist?
More and more sure of myself
Dear more and more sure,
Don't worry about the tip. I pay my therapist $250 per hour and every time I leave, he is hitting his head against the wall. Once I had to stop him from jumping out the window. Therapy is marvellous! It's the only time you can talk as much as you want, without listening to anything that's said to you.
Dear Madam Frood,
Who should put on the condom, the man or the woman?
Sensual lady
Dear sensual lady,
You are apparently inexperienced. Only the man has the organ necessary to put on a condom. However, a lady should not touch her partner's organ with her bare fingers. She should use gloves. After 6 pm, three quarter length gloves are recommended.
Dear Madam Frood,
I am a massage therapist. In a massage, how does one begin, with the head or with the feet?
Professional
Dear Professional,
If the client does not know you very well, don't start with your head, but rather with your hands.
Meditation is not a guarantee of acceptable behavior in public. If you stay at home alone because you are too uncivilized to survive social functions, don't hesitate to write to obtain the precious advice of Mme Frood: ........................................., Québec, Qc G1R 1B4