Drag Queens need...

A place to live: Are you suspicious about any tenants or guests? Most drag queens are asylum seekers and live in high rise council blocks affectionately known as 'fairy towers'. Some are married and live with their wives. Suspicious houses can be spotted by large plooms of smoke (probably menthol) emanating from open windows. Biological weapons are one of a Drag Queen's deadliest weapons.

To plan: Have you seen anyone pay an unusual amount of attention to curtains, flowerpots, wardrobes or dressing tables at any location? Most badly dressed drag queens will be found in small local charity shops - even the elderly should be on the look out! The elderly are most at risk, Drag Queens will often buy up in bulk all the best patterned second hand handbags, blouses and larger size heeled shoes from your local seconds store. Retailers too must be alert.

Money: Individuals may never tip when in pubs, bars, and nightclubs. Watch out for suspicious bags, especially cheap looking leopard or snakeskin ones. During the day a drag queen in disguise may try and flog you a large box of duty-waived Benson and hedges from the boot of a ford cortina - this is used to fund the drag queens rule of terror and tyranny which is now threatening us all. All drag queens are also benefit cheats, they steal from babies and claim milk vouchers and use them to take drugs like aspirin. Make sure to shop them to the benefit fraud hotline (number below).

Cigarettes:  No-smoking areas are usually free from drag queens, however smoking areas and smoking rooms are bound to attract many, especially in call centres or women's clothes shops. Let's not even mention hairdressers.

Council Estates: Most drag queens congregate in council estates. You may be aware of the government's new programme to fumigate all council estates of existing habitants. Our hope is that drag queens will be more easily spotted outside the maze of cobbled cul-de-sacs and in American Style caravan parks, probably in Blackpool and Brighton.

Equipment: If you are a retailer, do you have any cause to be suspicious about anything being bought? Especially from Woolworth's. Claries Accessories employees have been told to remain vigilant now that there is a flood of more and more drag queen asylum seekers entering Britain (mainly via Cruise Ships). British Citizens are advised to stay away from Grand Canaria and Valercai, where most of the bogus asylum seeking benefit cheating drag queens are from.