The canteen is packed with officers from A relief. The buzz of light-hearted conversation echoes around the room. The canteen area is decked out with streamers and the tables are groaning under the weight of party food. Everyone is in a state of great excitement and the female officers seem to be in a particularly chirpy mood. Tony Stamp and Dave Quinnan are pacing around the room impatiently with their hands in their pockets and frowns on their faces. They are obviously waiting for someone to arrive.

PC Stamp:

Now where could she be? She�s usually so punctual.

PC Quinnan:

I know what you mean, Tone. It takes a lot to make Polly late.

Dave chuckles to himself with a sly grin on his face. Tony turns towards his friend angrily and snaps back.

PC Stamp:

But she said she�d be here by one-thirty. We�re on duty in quarter of an hour in case you�ve forgotten. Call me a cynic but I can�t see our friendly local criminals having the day off so that A relief can sip tea with Polly Page! Besides, I get this funny feeling in my stomach when she�s running late. I just hope her plane arrived on time and she�s okay.

Dave sighs and places his hand reassuringly on Tony�s arm.

PC Quinnan:

Relax, mate. I�m sure she�s just caught in traffic. And the funny feeling in your stomach probably has more to do with the curried rice you had for lunch.

Tony winces and looks down at his stomach with a wry smile.

PC Stamp:

Yeah. I really should try to cut down on the Indian foods. It�s a bad habit I picked up from Reg.

Dave nods, fully aware of Reg�s history with curries.

PC Quinnan:

At least you can control yourself afterwards. I still remember that night I was stuck on an obbo with Reg and I made the mistake of stopping off at an Indian takeaway for two curried kebabs� Reg ended up blowing the obbo �cause he kept ducking into the pub we were watching to go to the gents. God knows what the landlord thought he was doing in there.

Tony snorts at Dave�s anecdote. However, his mind is elsewhere.

PC Stamp:

That�s our Reg.

Dave continues, oblivious to Tony�s lack of interest.

PC Quinnan:

Though I have to admit it was hilarious when the suspects arrived at the pub and Reg spotted them. I can still see him running down the road with his warrant card in one hand and his trousers in the other�

Dave trails off, finally getting the hint that Tony couldn�t care less about Reg�s trousers. Dave makes another attempt to cheer up his big friend.

PC Quinnan:

Don�t worry, Tone. You�ll be seeing your beautiful fiancée again in a matter of minutes and with a bit of luck you�ll be a Dad in a few days time. So smile!

Tony manages to smile, reassured by Dave�s words.

PC Stamp:

Yeah, I�m being silly. I mean, she�s hardly likely to crash her car is she?

PC Quinnan:

Trust me, you�ve got nothing to worry about. Polly�s a great driver! Now how about some more of those delicious cheerios while we wait?

Dave and Tony head in the direction of the nearest table, cheerfully chatting to each other. There is no sign of Polly but the party seems to be going quite well despite her absence.

*** CHEETHAM ROAD � 1:50 PM ***

A heavily pregnant Polly Page is standing by the side of her car with a sour expression on her face. There is a large dent in the front of her shiny new silver-blue Astina. A large, badly painted sign reading "Cheetham Road Girls� School" lies toppled over in the gutter and the irate headmistress of the school is tearing strips off Polly in her loud, nasal voice.

Jenny Eggins:

You silly cow! Look at what you have done to the front of my school. I have attended this institution for years as a student, teacher and headmistress but this� vandalism� is the most outrageous thing I have ever seen!

Sgt. Page:

Look, I�m sorry about the sign�

Jenny Eggins obviously loves the sound of her own voice. She continues to talk, not hearing a word that Polly says.

Jenny Eggins:

It�s a disgrace, I tell you, a national disgrace. How can women in your condition possibly think that they are fit to drive on the roads? I know that if I were ever to fall pregnant I would insist on being chauffeur-driven absolutely everywhere. But then again I doubt whether someone as scruffy as you could afford a decent chauffeur. I would wager that you are a single mother, leeching away taxpayers� money from the social security system. Wasting my money to subsidise your self-indulgence!

Polly is losing patience with the snobbish, self-centred woman but somehow manages to keep calm.

Sgt. Page:

Look, I don�t mind paying for the sign�

Jenny continues her tirade against the blonde policewoman.

Jenny Eggins:

You are not getting away that easily! You are a danger on the roads, a menace to all good law-abiding citizens and an unfit mother for a child to boot. Just look at what you have done to the front of my school, you vandal. I have called in the police to deal with you and if I have my way you will be spending the night locked up in a cell. That will teach you the proper way to behave in society!

Polly grits her teeth.

Sgt. Page:

If you would let me get a word in edgeways�

Jenny Eggins:

I think you ought to be heartily ashamed of yourself. I will inform our Parents and Citizens organisation of your criminal behaviour and demand full reimbursement from you through the courts!

Polly has clenched her fists and looks just about ready to clobber Jenny when a police car rounds the corner of the road. The panda draws up beside the two women and Sergeant Stuart Lamont gets out of the car. He walks over to Polly and the headmistress then gives them a puzzled look.

Sgt. Lamont:

What�s all this then?

Jenny Eggins:

Oh hello there, little man. Would you please arrest this� person� and escort her down to the local police station for the night?

Stuart looks none too pleased at being called a "little man". He scratches his head and sizes up the situation before turning back to the headmistress.

Sgt. Lamont:

You�re asking me to arrest this lady?

Jenny Eggins:

Yes, little man. That is correct. She has vandalised the front of my school.

Stuart gives Jenny a dubious look.

Sgt. Lamont:

This looks like an accident to me. With all due respect, I�m sure the lady didn�t maliciously set out to attack your sign, did you miss?

Polly shakes her head, wishing herself a million miles away.

Sgt. Lamont:

Well there you go. I�m sure she�ll be happy to pay for any damage done. So there�s no need to drag us into it is there?

Stuart is being perfectly reasonable. However Jenny isn�t known for her reasonable nature. She stamps her foot on the pavement and her voice grows increasingly shrill.

Jenny Eggins:

I have just reported a crime and you are refusing to act on my information. I should warn you� Sergeant� that I am a close personal friend of Chief Inspector Conway. I am sure that you wish to avoid any unpleasantness so would you kindly arrest this woman now or I will be forced to speak to your superior officers regarding disciplinary proceedings.

Stuart rolls his eyes and gestures to Polly.

Sgt. Lamont:

Well I�ll need to hear her side of the story first. Can we speak privately, miss?

Polly nods and the two officers walk some distance until they are out of Jenny�s hearing range. Stuart turns to Polly.

Sgt. Lamont:

What the hell is going on here, Poll?

Polly shrugs. She is in a very vulnerable state of mind.

Sgt. Page:

I was driving along. I swerved to miss a child crossing the road and I hit the sign instead. Quite simple really. I don�t know what all the fuss is about.

Stuart frowns.

Sgt. Lamont:

Well this woman seems to want you strung up high and dry over it. I wish I could think of a way out of this. Any ideas?

Polly shakes her head and glares miserably over at Jenny.

Sgt. Page:

There�s no way to hush this up. Either you charge me now or she�ll go and phone up Derek Conway. We�ll both end up being investigated. Maybe even demoted if this goes all the way to the top.

Polly stares at the stripes on Stuart�s shoulder, thinking about her own stripes and the difficulty she had in passing the Sergeant�s exam. Stuart follows her gaze and smiles reassuringly at his pretty blonde colleague.

Sgt. Lamont:

Don�t worry, it�s not worth getting worked up about. Besides, I have an idea on how to get out of this that just might work. Given a bit of luck.

Sgt. Page:

You�re going to arrest that woman for being a public nuisance?

Stuart smiles crookedly at Polly.

Sgt. Lamont:

Not quite. Just follow my lead and do as I say.

Polly nods and the two sergeants return to Jenny�s side.

Jenny Eggins:

Well have you decided to charge her, Sergeant? Or do I get straight on the phone to Mr Conway?

Stuart�s face takes on a serious expression and he speaks with a gravely sepulchral voice.

Sgt. Lamont:

I�ve decided to charge her with criminal damage. We�ll have to take her back to the station at once.

A look of self-righteous satisfaction creeps over Jenny�s face.

Jenny Eggins:

Excellent. That will teach her to speak back to me.

Polly looks genuinely shocked as Stuart solemnly opens the panda�s rear door and gestures inside.

Sgt. Lamont:

I�m afraid that I must ask you to accompany us down to Sun Hill station, your Grace.

Polly begins to slowly walk towards the panda. She is slightly confused by Stuart�s last words but her face remains calm and serene as she approaches the police car. Jenny�s ears prick up.

Jenny Eggins:

Your Grace?

Stuart removes his hat and reverently ushers Polly inside the panda.

Sgt. Lamont:

I apologise for the inconvenience, your Grace. Unfortunately, policemen are bound to do their jobs even when dealing with people of your stature. After all, no one is above the law. Not even the Duchess of Lincolnshire.

Jenny mouths "The Duchess of Lincolnshire" in a state of shock. Stuart closes the door, walks around to the other side of the police car and nods seriously at Jenny.

Sgt. Lamont:

Thank you for reporting this crime. I just hope the media doesn�t make too big a deal out of it. They seem to love the Duchess of Lincolnshire nowadays and it might backfire on the school or even on yourself personally if they were to hear about this.

Jenny�s face turns slightly green. Stuart continues.

Sgt. Lamont:

I mean, one of the most popular, famous and well-loved women in England being arrested and hauled down to the local police station on the word of a� teacher was it?

Jenny Eggins:

Headmistress.

Sgt. Lamont:

On the word of a headmistress. I doubt whether we�ll be able to keep this quiet but we�ll do our best. I just hope it doesn�t come down to us providing you with 24-hour witness protection. But can I just say how much I admire your strong ethical stand here, ma�am. Not many women would have the courage to potentially destroy their career and make a powerful enemy into the bargain for the sake of a principle but you�ve done just that. You�re a real inspiration, y�know.

Stuart gets into the driver�s seat and turns the key in the ignition.

Sgt. Lamont:

Good luck, ma�am.

Jenny walks over to the driver�s side of the car and leans inside the window.

Jenny Eggins:

On second thoughts, the damage isn�t that bad. And I really wouldn�t want to hold her Grace up for such a trivial matter.

Jenny�s obsequious fawning gives Polly courage. She leans forward.

Sgt. Page:

But you said it was outrageous! You called me a vandal.

Jenny looks sheepish and aims a sugary smile in Polly�s direction.

Jenny Eggins:

You will have to forgive me your Grace. I spoke in haste. I had no idea that I was speaking to a woman held in such high regard by the community.

Sgt. Lamont:

So you won�t be pressing charges?

Jenny Eggins:

Of course not. Perish the thought. Everything I said was said in the heat of the moment. I did not mean a word of it.

Polly strokes her chin thoughtfully.

Sgt. Page:

Will I still have to pay for the damage to the sign?

Jenny Eggins:

By no means, your Grace. I will find the money to repair the sign elsewhere, even if it means cancelling my annual fact-finding holiday to Jamaica. It�s the least I can do for inconveniencing you this morning.

Polly is beginning to enjoy her role as a haughty Duchess.

Sgt. Page:

Very well. You may leave us, headmistress. I will ask these policemen to escort me to their station until my vehicle can be towed away for repairs. Make sure it stays exactly where it is.

Jenny Eggins:

Oh yes, your Grace. I will stay out here myself to ensure that your car is safe. Can I apologise once more for troubling you?

Polly waves dismissively at Jenny as Stuart drives away from the kerb. Both Sergeants remain stony-faced until they are well out of sight of the school, when they burst out laughing.

Sgt. Page:

That was brilliant Stu! Thanks heaps.

Stuart shrugs modestly.

Sgt. Lamont:

I have my moments.

Sgt. Page:

But how did you know that she�d fall for that trick?

Stuart chuckles and peers over his shoulder at Polly.

Sgt. Lamont:

I know her type. Flash a title and a bit of fame around and people like that always try to lick your boots for you. I reinforced it with the threat of her losing her career and pointed out how offended you were and voila! You have her eating out of the palm of your hand.

Polly shakes her head in admiration of her colleague.

Sgt. Page:

Thanks Stu. Do you think we�ll get back in time for my welcoming back party?

Sgt. Lamont:

I bloody well hope so! I�m starving.

Polly grins.

Sgt. Lamont:

Just remember that we might be equal in rank now but you can still learn a few tricks from your old Sergeant yet. Remember me when you�re Commissioner, Polly. That�s all I ask.

Polly rolls her eyes and gently rests her hands on her enormous stomach as the car continues on its journey towards Sun Hill station.

To Be Continued.....