BITE-SIZED SCRIBBLES: THE MINI-JOURNAL
20 Dec. 02, 7:16 pm
Sometimes people ask me: "If you hate
[celebrity name] so much, why do you look at her cd? His website? Why do you bother to
read interviews just to complain about him/her anyway?"
But they don't get it. I can't just blindly decide to hate someone and
spout childishly foul insults.
To hate someone and to continue hating someone, I have to get as close and know as
much as I possibly can about the person, and dislike what I find.
3 Dec. 02, 2:14 am
I have decided to hearby abbreviate all
("whatcha talking bout Li, you've only got ONE so far!") random lines of a
potential novel in my head to... um, RAPONOL. I suck at these things, what do you call
them, acronyms? It's meant to be random potential
novel line. But it sounds more like
'Rapunzel on heavy medication.'
2 Dec. 02, in Dad's
car
New Year's Resolution: to never raise
my voice in arguments. Having two people do it tends to just spin petty things out of
control. And also, the other person stops listening.
1 Dec. 02, after
watching Unbreakable
I admire M Night Shyamalan's directing. All
his angles, where the camera moves and how. There's a lot of beauty in his magnificient
simplicity.
My favourite scene was in the house of the attacked family, where at first we see
white curtains moving with the wind, only revealing slight glimpses of a room. Then
suddenly they shift to reveal a limp leg, and with another billow (do they billow?), we
see that the leg belongs to a woman tied up, and then the wind draws our - or at least, my
- attention successfully to the man in black, standing in the doorway.
The way that shot was executed was subtle. Slightly hair raising. It took my breath away.
30 Nov. 02, late early
morning
I've settled into my nocturnal holiday
routine: have dinner at 7 pm, stay up, have breakfast at 4 in the morning with Ma, and
sleep at 6 to wake up some time after noon.
I wish I could drive, and that the most vast, gorgeous, smellgasmic libraries and
bookstores were open now. Or curious and interesting plays, staged at the blind hours of
the morning. Or small and intimate shows of live music. Or all stores really, so that I
could go walking down the street in a city-that-never-sleeps kind of place. And that I was
a hot, tough guy so that I'd have more chances of surviving the night unscathed. Or
perhaps I should just wish to be with a hot, tough guy. And I also wish that
interesting local libraries, plays or live music actually exist, even in the daytime.
It appalls me sometimes how I have absolutely no interest for the nightclub dance
scene. That's the cream of the Malaysian entertainment crop.
21 Nov. 02, random
novelish line in head
The moans from next door were unbearable.
They both sounded like slow learners spouting numbers in French over and over again.
14 Nov. 02, came
back from Jenny's place
I wonder if Jennifer Lopez's video (I forgot the title, something about how she's
from the block) will be banned here. Jenny got it off Kazaa and when I was at her place
she showed it to me. I heard the song on radio some time ago.
I wonder if people who were real and humble would go around saying 'I'm real' and
insisting they knew where they came from. Especially when the video was the furthest thing
from humble. I wonder if the Bronx's poster girl even wrote the song.
3 Nov. 02, watching
MTV again(?!)
Crap. Two Christina minijournal entries in a row. You know,
she's one of those celebrities I'd love to hate. The puppeteered plastic and fake
everything. But her voice remains undisputedly good. Though she's started to warble and
lose melody, she can afford to warble and still have people admire her voice.
I just watched a TRL special, to reinforce my love-to-hate thing for her, but from the little soundbytes and two live performances I fear very greatly that (with the exception of Dirrty), I actually just might like her album. God help me.
1 Nov. 02, after
watching MTV
Dirrty! Filll-thay! Nassz-teh!
And I quote from Rolling Stone #902, Aug 8 2002 page 32:
"I wanted to make a record that
was about me completely. Nothing superficial, no hype, no gloss." (Christina) Aguilera considered Stripped
as an album title. "But we thought it could be sexually misconstrued," she says.
"We don't want to give the wrong impression."
Then, ladies and drooling germs, there was the dirty video. Oh, my bad. I meant the Dirrty video.
29 Oct. 02, two
checklists
HOLIDAY TO-DO LIST (CIRCA NOV-JAN)
re-enrol in british council
fast another four days
start a deathbox project
buy more books to feed intense reading appetite
make house of leaves theories website
make cd covers
burn backup cds
buy coldplay's new album, among other cds
pay a visit to tower records
try to get at least one thing on the luxury list
visit libraries + interesting art galleries
take up spanish
eliminate website half-halfs already
swim twenty laps without pause
run around 5/8 of a km without pause
THE LUXURY WISHLIST
sony dcr-trv 340-e videocam
a great set of headphones
computer microphone
tmnet streamyx broadband connection
playstation 2
128mb ddr ram
lots of computer/ps2 games
the huge challenge at swensen's
a fujitsu notebook
some much-wanted snogging
28 Oct. 02, doodles in
the bedroom
within this black you know not,
know not the beast that stalks me
don't, don't leave me now, I hear it coming
stairs
the
up
another story will keep it
away.
Mommy?
28 Oct. 02,
spare time in Mr Nathan's class
I've developed a habit where I'd rub one of my palms with the fingers of the other
hand vigorously to produce dirt specks resembling eraser dust. I don't know if it's
disgusting, or clean. Is it both?
Ugh.
Differentiation is tough. Mr Nathan shortlisted three 'weak ones' in the class, and would
you believe I'm not one of them? I'm surprised that he completely overlooked me. In fact,
he overlooked me when he was shooting questions before class began. I must have really
passed for intelligent, despite my colourful report card
(of which he knows nothing).
I keep seeing faces in the smudgy whiteboard, women, men, a curve of torso, a relaxed
hand. They're surfacing beneath all those equations, beckoning my attention to stare at
their detail.
18 Oct. 02, in
my room
I know I should be in this euphoric after-exam state of mind and just bask in the freedom
like everyone else. But I can’t bring myself to think that way.
I can’t help thinking that this isn’t freedom at all, it’s this temporary
blank space of time between exam-taking, and getting my report card (a sure-fire killjoy).
What kind of freedom is that? All around me are students like excited birds, thinking the
cage door has opened and that they’re now all free to fly, but really, they just flew
out into a bigger cage.
If I’m just being paranoid, then the fact is: I’m fifteen, and already I
can’t bring myself to feel just the slightest bit care-free and… uncaged. So
really, is it me, or them?
15 Oct. 02, ecstatic
Listening to:
The Devlins - Waiting (Tom Lord-Alge Remix)
I found it! I FOUND the song! Six Feet Under's website on HBO quite conveniently lists every
song they've ever played on the series, so tracking it down was a breeze. I want to play
this on the guitar someday.
There's just something about the song and the way it's delivered, it's is this...
terrific balance of unrequited love, a dash of underlying self pity, great lyrics aplenty,
the right touch of mellow,
it all almost goes over the top yet never compromises the atmospheric coolness
(read 'not wimpy'), and the lead singer's voice... it's all good.
You might download it and think otherwise, but hey, at least I managed to get you
to listen to it.
I have to look this band up.
still 13 Oct.
02, stuck in a traffic jam
This is crazy. Cars all around us are actually turning right, over the
elevated grassy road divider, into the other lane, and then driving backwards out
of here to escape the jam. I've never seen anything like it. They're the only reason we're
moving.
I SMS-ed Mollick telling her about it and I said "I'm not worried, unless
the big bus in front of us decides to do so as well. As it is, even those tiny Kancils are
doing it."
Jinx. Almost immediately after I sent it some people came out of the bus, waved
their hands madly around to control the cars and then the huge, huge bus tried to drive
over the other lane and end up the right way around this time. What a nightmare. It looked
wobbly. The Kancil in front of me quickly beat the bus to it.
13 Oct. 02,
another thing gone unsent
I obviously knew that our drifting apart was inevitable. Should that ease
some of the shock value when it actually happens?
Well, it's happened. And I'm reeling with the punches. I guess the shock doesn't
lie in the fact that it's inevitable, but rather in the way it all happens. Kind of like
death.
And as Vergere did say : 'With freedom, comes the overwhelming sense of
aloneness.'
You talk of freedom, "finally". And how you had to make your choice between two things, and you
chose the option that made you free and celebrated your new and different self, despite
having to let go of a lot of things in the past.
Take care, Li. All the best.
All I wanted to tell you was "Yeah,
and fuck you too." In many ways I felt hurt, and insulted. And usually I know how to
deal with it. Damn.
still 11 Oct.
02, today's Friday Five :
If you could only choose 1 cd to ever
listen to again, what would it be?
Hmm... something from Miles Davis.
If you could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?
American Beauty and wow, I don't know... I
always have trouble recalling funny movies.
If you could only choose 3 books to read ever again, what would
they be?
House of Leaves, something from Jorge Luis Borges, and The
Solitaire Mystery by Jostein Gaarder. But I've always believed that I haven't read my
second most favourite book yet (first being HoL).
If you could only choose 4 things to eat or drink
ever again, what would they be?
pastry, H2O, sourspicy oxtongue, and Starbuck's Caramel Rhumba
Frappucino.
If you could only choose 5 people to ever
be/talk/associate/whatever with ever again, who would they be?
My mother, Mollick, Soren, surprisingly enough
Dante, and that one Mr Who I haven't met yet
11 Oct. 02,
short note
My exams will be over soon. They've decided to save the 'best' for last,
biology essays, physics, and additional math (calculus-related). Argh. I am so exhausted
of last-minute studying.
_ Oct. 02, found
myself watching Oprah
The talk was about miracles, and here's the one that caught me the most.
A girl who's super lonely and tired
of being the bridesmaid all the time takes a friend's suggestion (as a last resort) to try
an online matchmaking site. So in the search engine she puts in all her dream guy criteria
and hits search. Up comes 200 results and she selects 'Tall Texan Seeks Lady',
likes what she reads and writes him an email. Then he replies. He's apparently online at
the same time and sent her an instant message. They got around to chatting, and it turns
out that he's a pilot and although he IS Texan he's not currently in Texas. Here's me,
paraphrasing (but pretty accurately from their reenactment).
Him: I'm actually stationed in
Omaha right now.
Her: Oh really? i live in Omaha.
Him: Wow, small world. I'm downtown.
Her: ... I live downtown.
Him: No way! Are you serious?
Her: Yeah. Are you playing a trick on me?
Him: No, I'm not. This is a little spooky though!
Her: I know! I live at Ford Apartment.
Him: So do I.
Her: Oh my God.
Him: I'm on the second floor.
Her: I'M on the second floor.
Him: Apartment 209.
Her: 207.
Him: ... Well, nice to meet you, neighbour.
And you know what? They dated for six months and then got married.
Despite all the deeper implications of online matchmaking popularity and unacquainted
neighbours going online too often, say it with me. Holy fucking shite.
4 Oct. 02, from
a beedees teen lingerie newsletter I never asked for. an article right next to a skimpy
'flawless' supermodel swishing shiny hair mid-air:
Here are some motivators to
get negativity out of the way!
1. Put up a pix of someone with your target figure.
Hang it on the wall facing your bed, so it'll be the first thing you see when you wake up
and the last before you go shut-eye. On the flip side, put up pixes of people of
plus-sizes. As reminders to look anything but that.
2. If you jog, bring along a walkman, discman, or mini-discman to play
your own compilation of favourite songs. (all the
better to stalk you with, dearest)
3. Place a mirror at a position that only reflects
the undesirable parts of yourself (eg. at the ab level with those unwanted layers showing)
4. When you're about to fall back onto bed, think about the
dissatisfaction you'll feel for having been such a loser.
Can anyone clue me in on the latest definition of 'negativity'? Because I swear I thought it was achieved by feeling bad about yourself after following advice in stupid pink underwear newsletters. Goddamned bunch of image freaks.
15 Sept. 02
My first guitar lesson, and I feel the tingling complaints of the
pads of my left fingers, only accustomed to skipping on unobtrusive piano keys. And these
are only nylon strings. I shudder thinking about it.
With delicious anticipation, of course.
13 Sept. 02,
12:25 pm, recovered somewhat
I reached home at around 8:30 pm. Now it's almost half past midnight and I
still have yet to open the guitar case leaning on my dressing table.
13 Sept. 02,
8:46 pm
I had another fight with my dad. But, on the bright side, I have a guitar now. It
wasn't an apology present, it came before the fight. I guess verbal sticks and stones is a
tolerable price to pay for something I've wanted so badly since the beginning of this
year. I have to keep telling myself it's worth it, but I'll be alright soon. I have never
had a completely happy day anyway, so I guess this shouldn't be much of a surprise. Even
though it always is.
7 Sept. 02,
looking at the splendid view from a tea plantations in Cameron Highlands.
Sometimes people get too caught up in wanting to ‘capture the
moment’ on film. They forget to just sit down and let their senses and memory absorb
it all in instead, even though sometimes it’s better that way. There’s nothing I
hate more than looking at an old family photo and not remembering being there when it was
taken.
28 Jun. 02, a
thought while looking out the car window thinking of kindergarten friends.
I wonder what would be the right thing to do as you grow and change. Do you bring
all those old friends with you as a reminder or for history's sake? Should we just be
content with little smiles as we flashback and reminisce or should we have kept in touch
and get eventually frustrated dealing with how both of us were no longer what we both were
in those too-distant memories?
18 Jul. 02, late
on the phone with Damien
Me: (very sleepy) You know, we're all like... octopuses.
Him: ... Octopuses?
Me: Yeah. With unlimited tentacles, each gripping a friend in an entire circle of friends.
Him: That's an, interesting, concept.
Me: It is! It really is! And after awhile we change colours so often that
we realise that we can't, we can't mix with some friends anymore. Unconsciously we're both
pulling at each other to break free. Very hard.
Him: And then...
Me: The legs break. We float off away from each other. Amputated,
needless to say sore, and wondering whether you've let go of some irreversibly big part of
you. An important tentacle.
Him: Octopus tentacles, they grow back.
Me: Not necessarily with the same person on the other end.
23 Jul. 02, over
dinner
Me: Mum, when SPM finishes, on that very night, me and Mollick are
gonna run away to the US.
Ma: Did you say "run away"?
Me: Yeah. To finally see a John Mayer concert, and a Linkin Park concert.
Maybe even the aurora borealis.
Ma: So when you say "run away", it generally means you'll be
using your OWN money, right?
Me: ....
Ma: Well then, by all means, go! I'm very glad to see that you've decided
to be in control of your own future. Just don't forget to come back in two or three weeks.
*spm is the malaysian version of the O levels
29 Jul. 02, 10:55 pm.
OPERATION MAINTANENCE
sort out bookshelf
mutilate more magazines
set aside a proper drawer for art supplies
sort computer table and its tenants
dust clean + vacuum
sort current schedule and synch with calendars
all other drawers
design CD covers
bulletin board
set aside recycle bag to send to school
30 Jul. 02,
9:45 pm
Here’s a fun fact. When a tarantula gets pissed off, it’ll yank
hair from its abdomen and fling it at its prey. Frustrating.
30 Jul. 02, 11
pm
Wrapped in a filmy thin layer of moonlight, borrowed sunlight, and suddenly the
harsh cold world seems bearable and even... warm.
2 Aug. 02, 5:05 am.
I haven’t been able to sleep, tried three times already. I have however
rearranged my entire bookshelf, gone all over the room with wet and dry tissue,
sorted the art drawer I planned to make and cleaned the computer table partially. I have
also stroked the kittens to bed and waltzed around the room with a book to my chest.
4 Aug. 02, 9:42
pm. an sms to Mollick, A Genuine LP fan (plenty of fakes here), who wrote "Ah, Linkin
Park! Goodness!"
Ah yes, Linkin Park, full of goodness for your musically inclined cells! Along with
that we recommend healthy doses of John Mayer and Fiona Apple, as well as jazz and rock
for a well balanced diet. Maximizing these nutrients keeps your System full Of juicy
sweetness and A-class! So get Down with it! Head down to the nearest record store pharmacy
or mp3 grocery store today!!!
(We recommend that you avoid junk food such as Britney, BSB and A-Teens).