August
1, 2002
lack of grace: an afterthought
I still can't explain why my friendship with Grace was
so unhealthy for me. For almost a year I experienced my first ever bout of intensely low
self-esteem.
I couldn't bear to be photographed with her, and eventually photographed at all. I tried to avoid mirrors. I was tired of guys chatting up to me and realising they were doing it because they thought I could help them get somewhere with her.
Most of the entries I wrote during that period of time would be me endlessly picking at all my faults, often contrasting me with her. So many rants of "why, why". Whenever she told me that I was beautiful, I felt worse. God, I remember that in those few months I had never felt so ugly in my life.
Come to think of it though, I was only actually mad at her a few times. What I wrote back then was mostly me, being mad at me. I, the ever-optimist was sunken in depression, and that I didn't even have it in me to love me. I fought with myself so often it was like conversations with Arianne on paper. I'm not even schizophrenic.
I even tried to alter myself with her suggestions of the
ideal proper girl. One day I realised to hell with that. Coincidentally it was the very
same day where a conversation fueled the starting
point of the both of us drifting away.
You could say our priorities shifted overnight, but then again our priorities were never on speaking terms anyway.
Grace and I still talk, but not as often as last time though and that's a good thing, so I can keep my affection for her without all those side-thoughts eating away at me.